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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
CookTheRice · 28/01/2022 21:03

Well, I definitely would, because I adore my kids (like all Mums) and I adore motherhood (unlike all Mums!) But it is hard - very, at times.

One of my friends recently told me she and her DH won’t ever be having kids and I think that is a really bold and wise decision to make, if you’re someone who doesn’t really want them but feels like it’s the societal ‘done’ thing. Every child deserves to be wanted.

winterowl · 28/01/2022 21:03

Yes

It's not easy but the love is fierce.

HippeePrincess · 28/01/2022 21:05

It’s relentless and I revel in my weekends when they’re at their dads, I was desperate for babies but the reality is nothing like you imagine beforehand!

Darbs76 · 28/01/2022 21:06

100% I would. I had my first child at 16, he’s 28 now so I’ve been a mother a long time, youngest are 17 & 13. They give my life meaning and a purpose, everything I do is with them in mind. I can’t imagine not having children in my life nor would I want to. My oldest and I go on lots of holidays and city breaks together and are great friends too, hopefully do the same with my youngest. Love them with all my heart and yes it’s been tough in the early years but they never bring me a moments trouble now. Lucky I know

RedCandyApple · 28/01/2022 21:06

No I wouldn’t have.

TimeForTeaAndG · 28/01/2022 21:08

There's a lot of things I'd change, having DD isn't one of them. But I was so broody and have always wanted children (changed my mind and sticking at 1).

I think more people should admit they don't want kids and stick to it than it just being "the next step" or whatever. Kids deserve to be born to parents who will love and nurture them.

AppleKatie · 28/01/2022 21:08

I was desperate for babies but the reality is nothing like you imagine beforehand!

People often say this. But for me having DC was exactly like I imagined before hand! I think it depends on the quality of your imagination tbh!

Hankunamatata · 28/01/2022 21:08

I'm not maternal and really dont like other peoples kids BUT I always knew I wanted kids. I imagine totally normal to have the odd pang about having kids even if you dont want them

Fallagain · 28/01/2022 21:09

Yes in a heartbeat. But yes, it’s hard work and at times it has been traumatic.

Original poster
Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 21:09

@CookTheRice

Well, I definitely would, because I adore my kids (like all Mums) and I adore motherhood (unlike all Mums!) But it is hard - very, at times.

One of my friends recently told me she and her DH won’t ever be having kids and I think that is a really bold and wise decision to make, if you’re someone who doesn’t really want them but feels like it’s the societal ‘done’ thing. Every child deserves to be wanted.

Thanks - that's exactly how I feel. I really enjoy my life as it is and can imagine 60 more years (if I'm lucky) happily childfree. My DP feels the same. I don't know the love that a mother feels for a child... But if I don't know the feeling in the first place, then I guess I probably won't feel like I'm missing out?! ! I feel love for plenty of other things and I hope that's enough.
OP posts:
FieldOverFence · 28/01/2022 21:10

Yep, because it's a long game

I didn't enjoy baby or toddler-hood. Struggles to breastfeed, found myself isolated, just felt a shadow of myself.

But now with my kids mid-primary age, I'm so glad I did it, I love the family we are now, the cool little people they're becoming. As they get involved in sport and other activities I'm finding myself connected to the community around us in a way that I never was before kids (despite hobbies, friends etc)

Now maybe at teenage years I will loose my mind again who knows... But for right now anyway, they're the best thing I ever did

SpottyStripyDuvet · 28/01/2022 21:10

Yes I would. Although at 32 I could have written your post!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 28/01/2022 21:10

Wouldn't change them for the world. Honestly.

I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing to remain childfree either.

Original poster
Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 21:11

Thank you all so much for your honest replies so far. I respect you all, whatever your feelings are on this.

OP posts:
catfunk · 28/01/2022 21:12

Op from another perspective - I made the decision not to have kids because I didn't reeeeeeally want them. And it's so bloody hard from what I see with my friends & loved ones that you should really really want them!

BurntO · 28/01/2022 21:12

I can’t unimagine my kids, so yeah I’d still have them. But I think I’d have had a very happy life without being a parent, for many years at least. But I’m an introvert and and an only child and I am hopeful to have good relationships with my children as we grow older together. If not l, I will definitely be lonely. But me having kids doesn’t guarantee their company when I am older…. so….

I am sure some can live a happy and full life without kids even into older age. Especially with friends and siblings and nieces and nephews around. And many would’ve happy without all of that too Smile

Original poster
Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 21:15

@catfunk

Op from another perspective - I made the decision not to have kids because I didn't reeeeeeally want them. And it's so bloody hard from what I see with my friends & loved ones that you should really really want them!
Thank you - good to hear from this side too! Smile
OP posts:
GeorgiePorge · 28/01/2022 21:15

I definitely felt like you.. and didn't have my baby untill I was 37.

He is only 4months old so maybe my opinion would change in the future but to surmise
yes, so far is has been really hard and I have a babynthatbsleeps at night!
yes, ATM, I would do it again
No I didn't complete me/fill in a missing piece in my life and if I had never have had him I think I would have continued to revel in my childfree life.

Northernsoullover · 28/01/2022 21:15

I don't really think I can answer that fairly though. Can anyone? Because obviously those of us with children can't imagine life without them. I ended up a lone parent and life was shit for a long time. Mainly due to money worries. But now I'm out the other side its better. I'll pay the price in terms of a shit pension though. Due to my sons disability I only went back to work full time this year. He's 16.

Strokethefurrywall · 28/01/2022 21:17

100% yes. I’m very maternal but also very independent so I can fully appreciate why many don’t want children or are ambivalent about having them as my desire for them was 100% biologically driven. If that desire isn’t there, don’t do it!

Yes my life changed, yes I adore them with every fiber of my being, but it can also be relentless, thankless and can wreak havoc on your sense of self if you don’t have a supportive network around to remind you that you’re still you and not just “mum”.

So yes id absolutely have kids again, but if I didn’t have the biological urge, I definitely wouldn’t. Even when it’s the “greatest thing that ever happened”, it’s still fucking hard.

Mayhemmumma · 28/01/2022 21:18

Without a shadow of doubt, all the 'hassle' - the crappy sleep, the mess, the chaos, the financial pressure, the drudgery - it's all amidst the most immense love, pride and joy I've ever felt.

UsernameNotAvailableHmm · 28/01/2022 21:18

For me, definitely.

DrSbaitso · 28/01/2022 21:19

Yes, although in the first two years I'd have said no. I definitely say yes now.

Rewritethestars1 · 28/01/2022 21:20

Yes I would. My eldest child has a disability and medical conditions which means I have an added pressure/stress/appointments etc but she has changed me as a person and made my life everything it is now. She has given me the strength and fight to achieve more than I could have ever imagined and has showed me what true happiness is. The love and protection I feel for her is so raw and primal and I truly feel without her I would have died a long time ago. She has me in tears often because she is relentlessly strong and resilient in the face of crippling medical and mental health issues.
My youngest is just the biggest sweetheart and brings out my softer side. I love that she is so cute she turns heads, little blonde chubby thing.

That said, its been harder than I could ever have imagined. It is the most heartbreaking and tiring thing I have ever experienced. I admit i have not loved every bit of motherhood and had some dark times along the way.
I think its perfectly fine and totally understandable to make the choice to remain childfree. I can 100% see why people do.

babybythesea · 28/01/2022 21:21

Yes.
But I knew I wanted kids from the age of about 14. I waited and waited until the time was right, but even though waiting was the right thing to do and an active decision, I was so jealous of friends who fell pregnant. I travelled and had the career I wanted but I always felt something 'missing'. I have given up the career, but I don't mind. I feel like I have had it all - I had my career and loved it and now I have my kids.

I have two. There have definitely been moments where it is has been really tough but to be honest, not many. Mine were both relatively easy babies, and toddlers. And I love little kids anyway (just as well, I work in a school) - I genuinely enjoy being around them. I love the things they say, I love the random unsolicited cuddles because it shows a child trusts you, I love that the children tell me things because they are excited and want me to share that, or because they are upset and trust me to fix it. So being around my own is the best. My eldest is now a teen and I miss the little girl she was but I love the person she has become - she's quite a deep thinker so we have some really long in-depth conversations.

It has been pretty much exactly how I thought - there was no shock of how hard it is because I wasn't expecting it to be easy. Without kids, I would have felt a hole in my life forever. It was a very, very strong pull and I lived with it for about 20 years - I cannot imagine how hard it would have been to live with it forever.

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