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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
LadyGAgain · 28/01/2022 22:10

@Blossomtoes

Mine’s 46 now and a close friend as well as offspring. I’m very glad he’s in my life.
This is a wonderful statement Grin
GingerFox2021 · 28/01/2022 22:11

I’ve never felt maternal, never talked to kids, was not interested in them even visiting my friends who had them.. zero, nada as we say… like I ignored them. until I got mine at 39 💕trying for number two now. If I knew this feeling I would have started TTC much earlier than 38.

VikingOnTheFridge · 28/01/2022 22:11

Yep, no question. There are a lot of things I'd do differently in retrospect, but I wouldn't change having DC.

HikingforScenery · 28/01/2022 22:11

I 100% would have had them. My children are fairly ‘easy’ though (well they’ve been so far). They get on beautifully too. Even though we don’t really get much help, apart from the early days due to lack of sleep, it’s been great.

I can’t imagine not wanting to have children because I’ve always loved children and wanted to have my own.
Irl, I don’t know anyone who is childless by choice.

LadyCleathStuart · 28/01/2022 22:11

I didn't want kids. The suddenly I did and ended up with two. It's not been easy by any stretch but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 28/01/2022 22:12

Yes. 100% yes. They’re the best thing I’ve ever done by a long stretch. That’s why I had three. It is hard work but also hugely fun and full of love and joy. Pretty much exactly as I thought it would be.

Rosebud100 · 28/01/2022 22:12

Nope.
Toddler diagnosed ASD and an 18 month old (no idea of siblings challenges when decided to have another child).
Life is hard. Doesn't feel like there is much to look forward to and lots to worry about. Barely any support and it's a constant fight to get anything. We used to have a great life pre-kids and i miss it a lot.

Hmum0fthree · 28/01/2022 22:14

@Waifwafer the only way to explain a mothers love is this

I would give every single thing I have for them to be healthy and happy, I would sleep on a floor and go hungry so they would never have to! I'd cut my own leg off to stop them getting seriously hurt! You love them so much its hurts from the inside out, it is so so strange Blush

UltraVividLament · 28/01/2022 22:15

Yes, I'd have started younger and had at least one more than I do have. I have one who has been easy and one who has challenges, but both are wonderful in their own ways.

WhiteJellycat · 28/01/2022 22:15

I gave up everything for my kids. my career, my dreams. I would do it all again. I dont want my life back. They are my life. Nothing has made me happier ever and two are disabled so its never been easy.

Echobelly · 28/01/2022 22:16

I'd still have them but we have had pretty 'easy' kids - slept well, were 'nice' toddlers, no serious health issues, etc. For most people, it goes well enough. Some children, through no fault of their own, throw up issues that can trash marriages and upend parents lives, and sometimes (but I think it's pretty rare) parents really do regret it.

Time wise, parenting is more schlepp than joy, but the moments totally make it. But kids aren't a prerequisite for meaningfulness or joy in life by any means - I've loved having kids but I'm not going to give my kids some big sell about it, I want them to do what's right for them when they're older.

Aarti96 · 28/01/2022 22:17

Once you hold that child, you would never wish they didn’t exist. The level of love I feel for my DS is beyond anything I could’ve imagined pre-kids.

Becoming a parent has been the hardest thing I have EVER done but has also changed me for the better. Putting another life before your own shows you what real selflessness is. I also appreciate and understand my own mother on a much deeper level. Mothers are truly amazing!

One thing my grandmother said to me though, was that once you have kids you will never have a peaceful sleep again or a worry free life. Even when they are 40 years old you will be worrying about them and I can 100% see what she means since having my DS haha!

I don’t judge anyone who chooses not to have kids. If you feel you’ll be an unhappy person and regret it then enjoy your life child free! Some people (myself included) just have the urge to become a parent, and some people don’t. And there’s nothing wrong with that!

ChocolateButtonsOfShame · 28/01/2022 22:19

I'm only 6 months in to motherhood. I love it. But - you're brutally displaced from the centre of your own universe. The child(ren) become the centre instead. It's disorienting and changes your identity.

110APiccadilly · 28/01/2022 22:19

Yes I would, but I've always known I wanted kids. I've always had lots to do with small children, and love the time I spend with them, so I had a reasonably realistic idea of what having one was like - though I wasn't quite prepared for the first months of sleep deprivation! But that doesn't last for ever.

wanderlove · 28/01/2022 22:21

I love my children so much they have added so much to my life. I have really enjoyed motherhood from the off and feel very lucky to have had that experience with my three. My life before them was also really happy but it doesn’t really compare with the same depth of emotion. My sister is child free by choice and has a really fulfilling life. I would definitely do it again and my only regret is not starting earlier so I could have fitted in another

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 28/01/2022 22:24

I'd have started earlier and had more. They're fucking fabulous.

chillied · 28/01/2022 22:25

I would have kids knowing what I do know, yes. I'm so proud of who they are. They are my priority like the north of a compass.

At the same time, I can imagine, sort of glimpse, who I might be if I hadn't had them. Someone who doesn't have to compromise so much, who can follow their own path. And someone who is considerably richer. But I wonder whether that person would realise that they had all this freedom or whether they'd be a little lost.

Heartofglass12345 · 28/01/2022 22:29

No I wouldn't. I still miss the life I had before. I love my kids so much, but if someone had given me a crystal ball to show me what it would be like, I would've changed my mind.

My son is autistic, comes across as 'high functioning' but needs a lot of support, has anger issues and takes it out on his younger brother. I get torn between protecting my 6 year old and supporting my 8 year old when he's so angry that he can't control it. It's so hard.

They are so close, and love each other so much and it's lovely to hear them together (until the arguing starts Grin) which does make it worth it.

I think my advice would be to anyone thinking of having kids, is if you don't think you could look after a child with disabilities/ health problems then you shouldn't have one, as you never know what will happen.

Wow, that was deep!

FirstTimeSecondTime · 28/01/2022 22:29

If I knew then what I know now, I would have had kids earlier and had more of them.

I never wanted kids but had one in 2006 when I was 28 and my second in 2012 when I was 34. Now I know how much energy they need and I would love for them to have more siblings 😢

SnowWhitesSM · 28/01/2022 22:29

I used to answer these threads with YANBU and go into how I would have been perfectly happy without dc if I had never known my dc.

But now they're teenagers I adore them and am feeling quite melochic that they won't be living with me forever at the ages that they are. I will miss them and miss being a full time live in mum. I hated the drudge of the primary years (I liked them as babies and toddlers). I hated the school run, the different clubs they went to and having to have their annoying friends over. Now I like their friends and encourage sleepovers.

But I had my dc very young. I always felt that I didn't belong at the school gates, or assemblies and felt awkward at the beavers/rugby and gymnastics. I had other young single mum friends and family, but I was so desperately lonely and miserable at those ages.

RaginaPhalange · 28/01/2022 22:30

Yes I would mine are only 6 and 1 though. They are opposites of each other 6 year old has always been chilled out, one year old not so much, he's in at everything, always up to something and I wouldn't change them. They're both hilarious in their own way. Also the love they have for each other is unbelievable.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 28/01/2022 22:30

I absolutely would and don’t feel my life would be complete without them. But if I hadn’t felt like that I wouldn’t have had them just because. For me, I’d choose motherhood over career or any other relationship if I could only have one thing, iyswim.

Adropofink · 28/01/2022 22:31

I wouldn’t. Not because I don’t love them with all my being but because I do love them too much and this world is crap. 9 years on from choosing to get pregnant, I’ve changed and my view of the world has too - climate change is one part but people are just not kind. We’re starting to deal with bullying, nastiness- why would you want to bring a child into this world?

WaningMoon · 28/01/2022 22:31

Once you hold that child, you would never wish they didn’t exist. The level of love I feel for my DS is beyond anything I could’ve imagined pre-kids

This sums it up really well.

The love you have for your children is incomparable to anything else.

It still amazes me really.

SilverOtter · 28/01/2022 22:31

Yes. Also, if I'd known how much I'd love them, I would've had them sooner (and more intentionally!).

My first baby was an accident, and if he hadn't happened I don't think I ever would have planned to have kids. I just wasn't maternal at all.

I shudder to think how easily it could have all been so different.

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