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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
RockAndHardPlace1 · 28/01/2022 21:21

I love my kids, but with what I know now about the sorry state this country/world is in... no I wouldn't have.
This planet is fucked and I regret burdening them with growing up in a world like this.Sad

TinyTickler · 28/01/2022 21:21

I have a happy life, a great job, plenty of money to do whatever I like. But without my daughter my life wouldn't have the same meaning. I would have enjoyed my life still without her but goodness me it wouldn't have been half as full.

Normando91 · 28/01/2022 21:21

I’m 31 and have never felt maternal at all. Didn’t necessarily like kids, didn’t have any real experience with them and found most to be a pain in the arse.
I had my little boy 7 months ago. I’d say honestly, the first 4 or so months were unbelievably difficult. It’s damn hard to adjust to motherhood. But the past couple of months have been great. His little personality is coming through and he is an absolute delight to be around. I also think I’ve proper taken to being a mum and would move heaven and earth for my little one. There’s still tough times and I’m sure there’ll be many more in the future but I would never go back to not having him. He really is the best part of my life and has genuinely made me a better, happier person.

That being said, I definitely would have liked to have waited a little longer and built up some decent savings if I had a do-over. Maternity pay is excruciating!!

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 28/01/2022 21:22

I wouldn't have had them if I could have known. The trials and tribulations have been so huge. The responsibility is almost unbearable. I would have loved to sponsor a deprived child throughout its life though instead.

poppaloo · 28/01/2022 21:23

No, definitely not. I've been through a lot of grief and trauma with my children and I'm not the person I was.

If you're not sure, definitely don't have any.

Whatthefrigisthis · 28/01/2022 21:24

It's beautiful but fuck me it's tough.

craftyminer · 28/01/2022 21:24

Definitely. My kids are brilliant. I was very lucky (in my opinion) to be a SAHM for 5 years and put my heart and soul into it. Yes to the drudgery and relentlessness of small children and being knackered for a few years but even that wasn't that bad (she says looking back with rose tinted glasses). I had my two close together though so the hard years weren't drawn out. I love every single thing about them.

Socialcarenope · 28/01/2022 21:24

No I wouldn't.

Shmithecat2 · 28/01/2022 21:24

No, probably not.

SomethingSuss · 28/01/2022 21:24

Motherhood has been the best thing I have ever done in my entire life and my husband feels the same. There is nothing more satisfying and completing to us than being parents to our three. It was hard with our firstborn initially (where our lives exploded and changed massively in almost every way) but then it's been a breeze for the last 15 years.

That said, everyone is different and not all people are like us. It wasn't until I became a mum that I found my life purpose. I decided to be a sahm and not pursue a career. My sister however thrives in work and has climbed to near the top of the ladder. We are both happy and have no desire to change places even if she does have a house worth nearly half a million and I.... well let's just say my rental isn't as fancy.

If you don't want kids then you don't want kids.

Gardeningcreature · 28/01/2022 21:25

I agree with others do not have them unless you absolutely want them.
I do worry about the physical damage done to my body. I had a very long, painful delivery which resulted in forceps and my bladder has never been the same since.
I'm glad I had my dc though.

MargosKaftan · 28/01/2022 21:25

Yes I would. However, for me I was a need, not a want. I wasn't holding some rose tinted idea of motherhood, I felt a craving/need for a child. Proper instinct driven. I adore my kids and I've been surprised how much I'm enjoying slightly older stages. There's so much said about the wonder of the early years (which were fabulous, if messy and sleepless), but this middle bit, late primary/early secondary school is so great.

If you dont feel the urge to have dcs, I would say its not for you.

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 28/01/2022 21:26

The planet is screwed anyway OP. You've made a very sensible decision.

Original poster
Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 21:27

@RockAndHardPlace1

I love my kids, but with what I know now about the sorry state this country/world is in... no I wouldn't have. This planet is fucked and I regret burdening them with growing up in a world like this.Sad
I can completely understand why you'd feel like this. Thanks for bringing it to light.
OP posts:
SmellyWellyWoo · 28/01/2022 21:28

Yes because I just wanted them. It wasn't a logical rational decision, it was pure biological instinct that I couldn't override. I realise not everyone feels like this.

AliasGrape · 28/01/2022 21:29

I’m only 18 months in but yes - it’s been both harder and easier than I imagined, better and worse in different ways, but my dd is incredible.

I guess I wasn’t really prepared for how vulnerable it makes you, that whole thing about your heart suddenly existing on the outside of your body, total cliche but I know what it means now. I’m much more worried about the future than I ever used to be.

Croissantly · 28/01/2022 21:29

Yes I would, the world has always faced challenges- I wouldn't have fancied having children during medieval times for example, but there's a lot of beauty and I think good does still outweigh bad. That said, of course everyone is different, I loved my life before children as well as have no doubt that path would have been filled with just as much joy and just as fulfilling, just in a different way.

alwayslearning789 · 28/01/2022 21:29

Without a shadow of a doubt, my dc is the best thing that has happened to me.

I would do it again in heartbeat.

Do you think you would still have had kids...
JenniferWooley · 28/01/2022 21:30

@RockAndHardPlace1

I love my kids, but with what I know now about the sorry state this country/world is in... no I wouldn't have. This planet is fucked and I regret burdening them with growing up in a world like this.Sad

This is exactly how I feel & I advise my children (& anyone else who will listen) not to have kids.

Hasn't worked though as DD1 is currently pregnant & while I'm happy for her I can't help but worry about the life the child will lead & the world they will have to live in.

alwayslearning789 · 28/01/2022 21:30

I would do it again in a heartbeat.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 28/01/2022 21:30

No and it's bloody hard to admit that.

DS is almost 17 has severe learning difficulties, ASD, partially sighted among other challenges. Totally non verbal, cannot feed himself, is doubly incontinent, cannot dress himself etc, etc.

Not a day goes by that I don't rage at the unfairness of it all.

He is an only child so every day is a constant worry about what will happen to him when DH and I are no longer around.

Mumoblue · 28/01/2022 21:31

Yup. I’ve had a lot of experience with kids in my life. I was responsible for my younger siblings growing up, I’ve worked with kids on and off since I was a teenager and I was very aware of what I was signing up for.

Of course being a parent is different to looking after other peoples kids, but I feel like I was as prepared as I could reasonably be.

OfstedOffred · 28/01/2022 21:31

Omg definitely would

There are hard days but massively massively outweighed by the fun, laughter, hugs, absolutely huge love that just holds you all together.

Might sneak in their rooms and kiss their sleeping little faces now Grin

Couchbettato · 28/01/2022 21:31

Also not particularly maternal. I fell pregnant on the IUD!

I love my son to pieces though. If I knew this back then, I probably would have been more open about having a kid.

I don't think I'd welcome any more into the world, I'm happy with my one. It's definitely been a challenge, pregnancy wasn't exactly a walk in the park either.

But if I knew how happy my son would make me and I could go back and tell myself that it just changed my perspective on what was actually important then I'd do it in a heartbeat.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/01/2022 21:31

Yes, absolutely certain. Had ours when I was late twenties then second at nearly 40.

Equally sure though we would have had a lovely life had we not had children, just in different ways.

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