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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
Lastater · 28/01/2022 21:31

I felt like you for a long time. Changed my mind late thirties. Don't regret it but it is a slog in the early years. Relentless. I could easily have not had them too. Then life would have been much easier. But this one brings me, personally, more joy every day than a life without children.

StellaGibs · 28/01/2022 21:32

I have 3. I find this extremely difficult to type because it feels disrespectful to my children, but I would have had fewer if I could choose again now. Just because it's a lot for me as a single parent to manage with their age gaps and the fact they'll all be teens together.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/01/2022 21:32

I didn't want any. DH convinced me.

Luckily I gave birth to the world's greatest human. DD believes every mum thinks this but someone has to be right, and that someone is me.

I also think I would have been happy childless.

moomee12 · 28/01/2022 21:33

I'm late 30s and chose not to have kids because I knew I wouldn't cope well with it. I have autism and other issues.

Even some of my very capable friends have said if they could do it all over again they wouldn't have children.

I was pretty sure that my life overall would not be better for having children based on what I've seen in others lives.

VioletOcean · 28/01/2022 21:34

No.
Stress and worry differs from when they’re cute babies to teens to adults. My adult DC moved out recently and I try not to think to much about them because I would drive myself over the edge with worry

SockFluffInTheBath · 28/01/2022 21:34

No. I love my dc but parenthood has always been a complete drag with a distinct lack of those cutesy hallmark moments that are supposed to brighten the days. I don’t let myself think about what I could have done if I’d remained childfree but I’ll be mid-40s when they go to uni so that will be my time.

Blossomtoes · 28/01/2022 21:35

Mine’s 46 now and a close friend as well as offspring. I’m very glad he’s in my life.

Original poster
Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 21:35

@grandduchessromanov Thanks for speaking up - I admire all of the hard work and different emotions you must be going through whilst looking after your son every day. I'm sure he feels so loved, but it's okay to feel bitter and disappointed. Life can be fucking unfair Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 21:37

@OfstedOffred

Omg definitely would

There are hard days but massively massively outweighed by the fun, laughter, hugs, absolutely huge love that just holds you all together.

Might sneak in their rooms and kiss their sleeping little faces now Grin

Cute!
OP posts:
sharkyandme · 28/01/2022 21:38

It's beyond hard but I'd do it again. It's just worth it. I'm a different person and a better person. I feel more connected to the world and stronger. Not on bad days though. It can be absolute hell.

Flickflak · 28/01/2022 21:39

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jackfrosttoes · 28/01/2022 21:40

It's very hard to unimagine your own kids - but if you don't feel a strong urge, it is indeed a huge commitment.

Motherhood threw up all kinds of skill deficits I had, that I realised I'd learned to slowly workaround as an adult - organisational, social, time planning, emotional and the same in my partner too. It's been exhausting and sometimes I wonder whether we are good enough parents.

toppkatz · 28/01/2022 21:40

I never felt maternal at all pre-DC, and I was never one who wanted babies, but I did want children and no, I wouldn't change my decision.

Original poster
Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 21:42

For those that said they didn't feel maternal before having kids... What made you have them if you didn't feel maternal? Just curious!

OP posts:
shedevill · 28/01/2022 21:42

I don't want kids either. I feel like the purpose of my life isn't to keep the cycle going, but to live for my own sake, to have adventures and to care about my passions, not to dedicate my best years to creating and bringing up someone else, with all the mundanity and chaos (and no doubt crazy emotional love) that would bring

Footnote · 28/01/2022 21:42

I would have twice as many.

DoTheMerengue · 28/01/2022 21:44

Yes, I would, but there are times when it’s a repetitive, relentless drudge, and it certainly isn’t the be all and end all and I’d have been happy childfree.

DD is 18 months old. If you’d asked me six months ago, I’d have definitely said no. However, in the last few months she’s really come into her own - sleeping better, talking (sort of), walking, responding and reacting to things. She’s great to be around and I love her in a way that I can’t even think of the words.

MuchTooTired · 28/01/2022 21:44

I absolutely would have them, yes. However, I’d like to have a do over and go back to being 19 armed with the knowledge I have to really set myself up career wise to run alongside my DTs rather than pissing the time away until I became a mother. I’d change many things about my life (both past and present) but not for a second would I consider changing or undoing my kids.

VestaTilley · 28/01/2022 21:46

I am off sick from work, long term, with PND.

I am still in pain from my forceps delivery nearly three years later. He didn’t sleep for 7 months. Breastfeeding went badly wrong. Weaning was hard. The pregnancy was bad. My relationship with DH nosedived. I take a lot of antidepressants and have had therapy. I regretted having him for about a year. Becoming a Mother has broken my body and my brain; I’ve never been the same. If you’re not 100% sure you want children I’m not sure I’d advise it.

Would I undo any of it? Never. I’ve never loved anyone or anything like I love that little boy. He’s worth it all.

bluebird3 · 28/01/2022 21:46

I desperately wanted children and love my daughter (age 3) so incredibly much
BUT I can definitely see how wonderful life could have been childfree as well. If you don't desperately want children, I'd say don't do it.

I also seriously underestimated how much a support system is needed as a parent to make life easier and enjoyable. My friend who has 3 kids lives a stones throw from both sets of retired grandparents who are happy to help has it much easier than we do - having only one child but living literally thousands of miles from any family or close friends due to an unexpected move when dd was 1. I did not anticipate having to parent without a 'village' or during covid for that matter.

PlainJaneSuperbrainthe2nd · 28/01/2022 21:47

I definitely would. I desperately wanted children to the point that I wasn't sure I would want to go on living if I couldn't have them. So, so far, having children has been easier than not having them would have been.

Of course it is hard, but overall I am very happy and content (although always anxious about them). I do think having a really wonderful DH helps (a quick flick through the Mumsnet relationships board reminds me how lucky I am) and also being an older mum. I partied so hard when I was younger that it was a relief to have a baby and stay in for a few years Blush

SD1978 · 28/01/2022 21:47

A hundred times yes. I don't regret it and never will. My only regret is she's an only child.

imsorryihaventaclue · 28/01/2022 21:47

Yes. I never planned to have children…neither of us wanted them and we had a very full life. When I got unexpectedly pregnant in my late thirties, I was devastated but decided to have the baby. It’s totally changed my life and my priorities and I’ve never regretted it for a moment. I had low expectations of parenthood, which probably helped, but it’s brought me much joy.

CrueTrimeGal · 28/01/2022 21:50

I often think about this, because the job is relentless, but being a mum is the best thing I have done. Even on the days when I feel like I am not doing it very well, or they push me to near on insanity, it really is a love I wouldn't want to be without.

rhowton · 28/01/2022 21:50

If I could go back, I would. I love my kids but without them, my life would be far easier and I would be far richer.

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