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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 01/02/2022 17:31

@Bortles

Yes, but a lot earlier. Regret waiting til my mid and late 30s.
Why is that would you say?
mumof2exhausted · 01/02/2022 18:10

Yes I would. I have 3 boys and I’m absolutely shattered and often a grumpy mess trying to balance kids/ work/marriage/keeping fit/ friendships etc but yesterday I was sitting on sofa cuddling all 3 under a duvet and I felt such overwhelming love that I had a little cry (I blamed it on the film being sad). They tell me they love me all the time and that I’m the best mummy ever (even when I’m grumpy). I think it’s the unconditional love from me to them and also them to me. I was never maternal and certainly not a natural but I love them so much and its amazing to be loved so much in return

Aria999 · 02/02/2022 01:31

@RedRobyn2021 these days I often get up to 45 minutes in bed with coffee and iPad while the DCs (2 and 6) build legos together 😊

Anthurium · 02/02/2022 05:36

@LuckySantangelo35

Bortles

Yes, but a lot earlier. Regret waiting til my mid and late 30s.

Why is that would you say?

I had my son recently, 14 days shy of my 40th birthday. I agree with @Bortles.

I see it as there is now "less" time available with them, as in my I'm older and statistically less likely to be 'around'/healthy/fit although I'm fit and healthy at the moment... I most probably won't see my son potentially have his child/children (if he decides to have them as late as I did). My mother isn't able to help with childcare as she is in her 70s now and has health issues. Also, most of the people I know have had children in their 30s so I'm out of synch with my peers and socialising with them is difficult as their children are at different stages to my newborn.

Pregnancy and childbirth is statistically harder on older women's bodies. Although I've faired quite well, it remains to be seen whether my body will repair itself as well as it would have done had I given birth in my 20s. And most importantly, in my case, I really could have had a child in my 20s while doing my job/career, there was no need to 'wait', I would have had slightly less money but not by much, but in my case a series of failed relationships have led me to being single aged 38, so I did IVF which had I gone down the solo route 10 years earlier, it would have been cheaper (by doing Intrauterine Insemination IUI). And of course, had it all been as smooth and problem-free as it has been so far, I would have enjoyed looking after, nurturing and loving my son earlier, and maybe would have had another child by the time I'm 40, it's looking very unlikely now.

I hope this helps!

bengalcat · 02/02/2022 05:43

Yes but only planned/had one in my late 30’s and kept my career .

Flittingaboutagain · 02/02/2022 08:10

I also lament the age I am having finally been able to have a child. Whilst anything can happen, statistically I won't be able to know her as long and she have me in her life as long as I've had my own mother and grandmother. There was a brief window when I could have had children in my early/mid 20s and I wonder how it all could have planned out. Perhaps I could have had many more or perhaps I would have struggled being a younger mum who had not lived long as an adult herself. Who knows!

Growbean · 02/02/2022 08:54

If I’d known then what I know now, I’d have had more kids. Three or four rather than my lovely two. The hard times pass but the joy is permanent.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/02/2022 08:56

[quote Anthurium]@LuckySantangelo35

Bortles

Yes, but a lot earlier. Regret waiting til my mid and late 30s.

Why is that would you say?

I had my son recently, 14 days shy of my 40th birthday. I agree with @Bortles.

I see it as there is now "less" time available with them, as in my I'm older and statistically less likely to be 'around'/healthy/fit although I'm fit and healthy at the moment... I most probably won't see my son potentially have his child/children (if he decides to have them as late as I did). My mother isn't able to help with childcare as she is in her 70s now and has health issues. Also, most of the people I know have had children in their 30s so I'm out of synch with my peers and socialising with them is difficult as their children are at different stages to my newborn.

Pregnancy and childbirth is statistically harder on older women's bodies. Although I've faired quite well, it remains to be seen whether my body will repair itself as well as it would have done had I given birth in my 20s. And most importantly, in my case, I really could have had a child in my 20s while doing my job/career, there was no need to 'wait', I would have had slightly less money but not by much, but in my case a series of failed relationships have led me to being single aged 38, so I did IVF which had I gone down the solo route 10 years earlier, it would have been cheaper (by doing Intrauterine Insemination IUI). And of course, had it all been as smooth and problem-free as it has been so far, I would have enjoyed looking after, nurturing and loving my son earlier, and maybe would have had another child by the time I'm 40, it's looking very unlikely now.

I hope this helps![/quote]
Thank you!! It’s hard isn’t it. I mean presumably by waiting you were able to have some life experiences that you wouldn’t have been able to have (or would have been more difficult to have) should you have had a child in your twenties. I would have missed out on so much had I have had a child in my twenties

Bortles · 02/02/2022 09:03

@anthurium yes, it's that I have less time with them in thr future, my mum has less time. Body hasnt bounced back as well as it might have done. Probably would have had them with someone I had intense feelings for rather than a 'settling for' situation due to age. Sure, Ive got a lot of stories to tell from my 20s but, that's all they are. I could be traveling now, instead, when I'm old enough to perhaps appreciate time alone a bit more.

QuizzicalEyebrows · 02/02/2022 09:04

I didn't feel maternal at your age OP but then 2 years later I really did so decided it was time

RedRobyn2021 · 02/02/2022 09:08

[quote Aria999]@RedRobyn2021 these days I often get up to 45 minutes in bed with coffee and iPad while the DCs (2 and 6) build legos together 😊[/quote]
Lovely! I'll look forward to that

waterlego · 02/02/2022 09:13

I’m not sure I would.

But not because of the realities of motherhood (which of course have been really challenging at times and changed me as a person).

In my case it’s because of the state of the world. Climate change and changes in society have me very worried about the future for my children. I feel guilty for bringing them into this mess.

But I’m a massive pessimist and realise that lots of people have more hope than I do (thankfully!)

And at any rate, I can’t imagine the world without my two DCs in it. If I hadn’t had them, I’d have been depriving the world of two absolutely smashing people who I think and hope can live productive, happy lives and make a positive contribution.

TrexDrip · 02/02/2022 09:14

I have had a mix of wanting them, giving up and enjoying adult only lifestyle including some amazing holidays and then close to 40 deciding to adopt.
We adopted 2 birth siblings under age 2 together and they have now been home nearly 6 years. Best decision we ever made.
It is hard, has been harder when they were smaller but now its starting to feel easier and I can actually do stuff without having to be sat in the same room as one of them all of the time.

IsabelHerna · 02/02/2022 11:02

Different opinion here:
I'm a 40yo trying to become a single mum by choice.

If I would go back at time to when I was 32, I would do some fertility tests and freeze some eggs in case i need them in the future. It's an investment on your self. You may need those young healthy eggs one day, and if not, and you're 40+ and you still dont want children then at least you've really given yourself the choice.

AuntyJanet · 02/02/2022 20:47

@Bortles

Yes, but a lot earlier. Regret waiting til my mid and late 30s.
Agree - I could definitely do with being 10 years younger (although wouldn’t have had them at that age).
HaveringWavering · 03/02/2022 07:51

I do sometimes think it would have been nice if I had had my child a bit younger (circumstances meant I was over 40 when he came along). But then I realise that the child I would have had when I was younger would have been a completely different egg/sperm combination - even if with the same man, IYSWIM- and it blows my mind. I can’t imagine not having the one I have!

Monster80 · 03/02/2022 13:47

Definitely not! I absolutely adore our 4 year old daughter and suspected we would have another, but on balance neither me or my husband enjoy the rambunctiousness of family life: early mornings, barely any sleep, hours in the park, poo-stained pants, half chewed sandwiches and rainy trips to the park. Also feeling unable to invest the time I'd like in my much-loved career leaves me missing the focus and tenacity the old me used to possess. I honestly thought I could have it all (or most of it!) and now I'm much more skeptical about that being possible. The families with 2-3 kids I know who do seem genuinely happy have fulltime aupairs or live in grandparents to share the load, but clearly that isn't affordable or possible for many.

itsallgoingpetetong · 03/02/2022 17:05

I think about this a lot these days and i really dont know. I love my 2 boys massively( both early teens) but one has ASD and anger issues and it has affected my younger son ,my marriage and myself very badly. I found the baby stage hard, loved the primary years, but the teen years are horrific so far and i am a shell of who i used to be. Maybe i will feel different when they are adults, but the worry of it all is so overwhelming, and by the time mine are grown up i think my marriage will be in tatters. I always wanted kids but was not prepared for the teen years ,let alone dealing with additional needs.

Socks12 · 03/02/2022 18:09

Yes
I was not material, never thought babies were cute and spent alot of time googleing if other women had this confusion.
When was 32 I was rly unsure on what to do and my sister had a v serious discussion with me about it all. I loved my comfortable life with lots of holidays and weekends away or out. But thinking about myself as an older woman I cannot imagine not having my own immediate family around me, also selfishly if anything happened to my partner I wouldn't want to be alone with my siblings having their own families.
I now have a one year old, and would love a 2nd. Even during pregnancy I had panic moments if I'd done the right thing. It can be hard at times, but I 100% made the right choice for me. He has changed me into a more kinder and patient person. My life now does belong to him complelty, and that's fine by me. I couldn't live without him. The adventures we will go on and even day to day life I love it. The love for him is crazy, and I love my partner even more seeing him as a father. We have naturally lost some friendships, while strengthened others and made new ones. Financially it's harder, but a good plan always helps.
As much as reading all the replies may comfort you or freak you out only you can really know what's best for you. Good luck x

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 03/02/2022 19:22

well as both of mine we tried for and not "accidents" i would do it all again

i was 23 and 30 having them and the only thing i would do is have more but as i have sever pcos and no periods (never started and never had 1)having the 2 i had was impossible but it somehow happened

youngest was 4 years of fertility tablets

also both have many special needs each and ive been a 24/7 carer for 17 years and will never not be

i wouldn't change them or my life if i could

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 03/02/2022 21:54

It's tough when you're undecided, isn't it, OP? I was the same, and felt envious of people who 'just knew', one way or the other.

All I will say is please don't fall for the "You never regret a child once it's here" crap. There is a massive amount of evidence - quite a lot on this thread alone - that that is not true. Most people don't regret parenthood, of course, but some do.

Good luck with your decision and, whatever it is, try to make peace with it. It's impossible to choose both parenthood and being childfree so you have to choose one and do your best to enjoy that choice. You can never know whether the other choice would have made you happier.

kc431 · 03/02/2022 22:08

I’ve noticed in the answers that it’s all about what parenthood was like for YOU. I hear my own mum say, oh, it fulfilled ME, it made MY life better, I felt so great….but what about the child?

I can’t say I enjoy loads of my life. I hate working (and tried many jobs, all crap), got bullied at school, daily life seems like pointless drudgery. The only great bit I would relive was uni (and my dad was paying for it!). Have any of the “I love parenting” people ever considered whether their children actually enjoy being alive? My mum bangs on about her 30s being amazing because she had a young family - I hated that same decades, school was shit, hated having a toddler brother while I was a teenager just wanting to sleep.

That’s one of many reasons I could never have a child. Knowing I’m sentencing them to a lifetime of 9-5, unless they win the lottery or become a prostitute. My child might have depression or MH problems and there is nothing you can do about it. The entire concept of creating a life because you’re feeling unfulfilled/curious/a hormonal urge seems really selfish.

kc431 · 03/02/2022 22:09

Like, if I’m feeling unfulfilled my first thought is to change job, try a new hobby or volunteer. Not “I must have a child!”

KittyMom · 03/02/2022 23:21

I have two children, and they wear me out. They are college age, but I’m still dealing with stuff related to them. One of them is particularly difficult, and has brought me sadness. I often feel like I made a big mistake having children. Honestly, if I could’ve just had my second child, I would be content. My first child is too difficult.

alwaysmovingforwards · 03/02/2022 23:53

Hard to say.
I’ve got kids and love them dearly, no regrets at all.
But if I hadn’t had them, I can also envision a different but equally happy life.