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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do you think you would still have had kids...

439 replies

Waifwafer · 28/01/2022 20:58

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff Smile and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

OP posts:
FurbleSocks · 28/01/2022 22:32

It took over a year of preparing ourselves to be parents before we even tried for a baby. If you don't want them definitely don't have them! They are much harder work than I ever imagined. Refereeing, peace maker, nagging, relentlessness. I absolutely love them to the moon and back but they are hard work! I couldn't imagine my life without them but I could imagine my life having never had them (a close friend will remain childless and she isn't sure whether that's an issue or not and when I see her we have a 'pre child life'). So I would say if you don't really want them then don't. They completely blitz the life you had before.

FirstTimeSecondTime · 28/01/2022 22:33

@Heartofglass12345, this is the reason I won’t have anymore. I grew up with a disabled brother and I am so grateful for my children. I know how much energy, love and patience it takes to raise a child with additional needs. My heart goes out to you and I am in awe of anyone who has the ability to raise a special needs child.

alibee26 · 28/01/2022 22:34

Being a mum is just one of those things you don't know how amazing it is until you are a mum, it's tough but worth it

diamondpony80 · 28/01/2022 22:34

Yes I’d have had them. And I’d have planned my life better and probably had 1 or 2 more! I wasn’t maternal at all when I had my first at 23 (unplanned) although I did like the idea of having a family eventually. The maternal instincts kicked in for me a few weeks after he was born (first few weeks were really hard) and have been strong ever since.

Aria999 · 28/01/2022 22:34

Yes. We kind of knew what we were letting ourselves in for, it hasn't been much of a surprise.

But yes it's seriously hard work so if you don't feel a burning desire to then it might make sense to give it a miss!

Catsstillrock · 28/01/2022 22:35

Yes, I would.

I’ve found it better than I thought before. In lots of ways.

I always wanted kids and knew I’d be a good mum.

I wasn’t looking forward to the baby years which from the outside look awful and gruelling. They can be that, but I was completely surprised by how magical they are, too. Small moments, big moments, my three year old commented on the sunrise this morning and it was just…

Yes it’s demanding, but indeed it’s a deep fierce love. It’s also freed me and strengthened me in ways I find hard to describe. I’ve felt like a lioness since the moment I gave birth. Strong and powerful.

So much of the bullshit women are subjected to (and we put ourselves through) turned to dust and fell away.

I’m so busy that when a single relative voiced their fears of three months of isolation in the first lockdown I had to bite my tongue not to say I envied them.

But my life has a sparkling clarity.

I wish I’d started sooner, and had more.

Motherhood isn’t for everyone and I fully agree too many women end up as mothers through societal expectation when it’s not right for them.

But it has empowered me to be the truest version of myself. I am fearless and deeply fulfilled.

Cuddlemequick · 28/01/2022 22:35

I am a lone parent to kids with additional needs so....no

Selok · 28/01/2022 22:36

I have one DD, I would have again but one is enough

Daphneadonis · 28/01/2022 22:37

It's hard op, that transition into becoming more selfless (well relatively I mean) but happens unconsciously while you're too exhausted and busy. I thought like you, and discovered, much to my surprise that I was in fact very maternal. Had no idea! Partly because no kids were around me, didn't know how to deal with them. Now though, love mine so much, can't put it into words. It's a very different kind of love than you can imagine, and fulfills you in a different way. Now that I know how it is, my only regret is not having them sooner. But if you choose not to (and that's entirely OK of course) , you won't feel real regret op, because you won't really know how being a mum would feel. It'd be curiosity mostly.

whirlycarly · 28/01/2022 22:39

So difficult. Honestly, if I'd known I'd be doing it alone from the early years I likely wouldn't have had dcs. I still can't process how much of a dick xh was back then despite being the broody one.

I adore them. But the toddler and teen years are hellishly hard as a single parent and I cannot bloody wait to regain some freedom of choice about my own life. I'm exhausted.

captainmajor · 28/01/2022 22:39

I've never wanted kids , by around 8 years old I had made up my mind , I think you need to really really want them to have them and can afford them financially. the world is already overcrowded .

Rrrob · 28/01/2022 22:40

Yes I would. I sometimes wonder what life without DC would be like. It IS harder than you can imagine. The sleep deprivation is a killer. But I honestly can’t imagine a life without children, and I say that as someone who’s first child died suddenly and made the decision to start again.

It is an overwhelming feeling of love.

fuckyourpronouns · 28/01/2022 22:41

I can't vote as on the app. But I absolutely would have them again.

I never got the pangs of desperately wanting a child. I just knew that when I pictured my life at 40-50-60, I had a family in that picture. So working backwards, I had to do something to make that happen!

I wasn't ecstatic when I fell pregnant either time. I didn't have these "bonding with bump" moments and I didn't have the sudden rush of love either time as soon as they were born.

What I did have was an innate feeling of wanting to know that they were ok as soon as they were born and an acceptance that things just are how they are. Getting stressed helps no one. Easier said than done at times, but I try and remember that even if I don't always follow it!

I did get the love feelings for the kids and I am so so proud and fiercely protective of them. They enrich our lives more than I could ever have imagined possible. There is not one thing that I wouldn't do again.

I suppose what I'm saying is, not all women are the same. No human is. We have our different ways of coping and enjoying our lives. But what is your bigger picture? Do you see yourself at 50 with children/grandchildren in your life? Or is it just you/OH? There's nothing wrong with either scenario. But if you're waiting for the sudden maternal pang to make your decision about having a family you might be too late by the time that arrives.

Do you want the decision taken out of your hands?

EveningOverRooftops · 28/01/2022 22:42

No I would not. I wouldn’t have kids. Mine has significant health issues and I’ve lost every bit of myself. Im a shell if a person doing it solo.

CatherinedeBourgh · 28/01/2022 22:43

I was like you, didn’t particularly want dc, and when we were diagnosed with infertility decided I would do nothing to try for children.

Nature had other ideas and I unexpectedly got pg in my mid 30s. Dc1 was very unwell when he was born, and his first year of life was the hardest I have ever been through.

15 years and another dc on, I can genuinely say that if I had had any clue just how wonderful having dc would be, the sheer happiness they would bring to me and the love I would feel, I would have felt totally different from what I did, and would definitely have had them, and maybe if I could have, another one or two more.

They are the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Sinuhe · 28/01/2022 22:44

I never wanted kids and DC1 was a surprise... I certainly find having kids hard at times- who doesn't?
But the love I feel for them, their smiles and sparkly eyes, their curiosity and natural happiness are so unique and wonderful that regrets or what if's never croses my mind.

Hugoslavia · 28/01/2022 22:45

Crikey, I feel for all those kids whose parents have said that they made the wrong decision!
It is hard. For me I had no option. I was so broody that I simply couldn't have imagined life without children. And they have been amazing. Do I often want a break - god yeah, but do I also miss them the moment that they are away from me - also yeah! I personally don't know any of my friends who felt like they made the wrong decision, however tough it has been. I've also had friends who weren't that bothered, until the right man came along and then suddenly they changed their minds. I've also got friends who were adamant that they didn't want children. They are mostly single, but enjoy their lives and their freedom. They lead busy fulfilling lives. If you are absolutely certain that you really don't want kids, then don't have them. If you're not sure, then there is no need to decide. That decision will take care of itself. If you do have them, imo, you're unlikely to regret it.

fuckyourpronouns · 28/01/2022 22:45

Also adding in, I won't ever know if I would've regretted it if we didn't have children. But I went into trying accepting that I was happy regardless. If it didn't happen, I don't know if I would've done something else, ivf or adoption. I just don't know. I do know enough about myself to know that I always make peace with my own decisions.

If I was 10 years younger I absolutely wouldve had more. My 2 are now at school and I totally get why people want more once their youngest starts school. I'm too old really now. 10 years ago I'd have just been 30.

I don't regret having them at 33 & 35 but if I had my time again I'd probably turn that back 5 years.

Heartofglass12345 · 28/01/2022 22:46

@FirstTimeSecondTime thank you, I feel bad for complaining about him as he can be such a lovely, loving child and he adores me but also takes it out on me when he is angry as well (I would rather that than his brother though)
It's just the constant worry about his future, how will he manage and it affects everything we do, down to days out, jobs i can do etc.
I love them both so much though and I'm constantly in my own head thinking I should be grateful and shouldn't be feeling like this as they didn't choose to be born. It's tiring lol

georgarina · 28/01/2022 22:50

Yes, absolutely
It is very hard but as a pp said it's a long game - baby years are lovely but intense but then after that it's easier, life affirming, and connects you to others in the community a kind of stable ever-present way.

Yes it's tiring and hard. But so is everything.

CatherinedeBourgh · 28/01/2022 22:51

@Waifwafer

For those that said they didn't feel maternal before having kids... What made you have them if you didn't feel maternal? Just curious!
Didn’t think we could so never made the decision iyswim. When I became pg I knew this was likely to be dh’s one and only chance to have a dc, and that he desperately wanted one, so never even considered not continuing the pg.

Then after dc1 I really knew we wanted another!

Whatinthelord · 28/01/2022 22:53

I’d still have had them, but maybe stopped at 1 and not had a second.

FruHagen · 28/01/2022 22:56

I'd definitely have had them but I would have started much earlier and had 4 not just 2.

Bloody brilliant having kids. I listened way too much to all that stuff about how they tie you down and ruin your life. I gave my 20's to work and 30's too.

Stookeen · 28/01/2022 22:58

@Waifwafer

For those that said they didn't feel maternal before having kids... What made you have them if you didn't feel maternal? Just curious!
Curiosity. I was 39, and it was a thing I hadn’t done.
Anthurium · 28/01/2022 23:02

I wanted a family so yes, I would.

The alternative child free life didn't look fulfilling or meaningful in my case. It would have most likely been the repeat of my 20s (going out/drinking/holidays) and I feel like I've done all of that and it was getting a bit boring/same.

It is a completely different life 'project'/direction and it is lifelong.

Do you consider the idea of a 'family' to consist of just a partner?