Do you think you would still have had kids...

[Waifwafer]

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

Absolutely, but definitely agree it's a long game. I found the baby and toddler years really, really hard, but now at almost 9 & 11 they're brill. Self sufficient for the most part and really good company. I suspect I'm in 'the good bit!'

Kids probably. I'd choose their father much more wisely.
And do a lot of therapy to sort out my own stuff before the kids in a second life.

I was desperate to have my one, and it’s been way harder than I imagined. But it’s the strongest love I have ever felt and the deepest joy.

I was very unhappy at the idea of never being able to try to get pregnant. Once I was pregnant, the rest followed. There were desperately hard parts and I think if I could have been happy without children, life could have been easier, maybe even better. But for me, I found it impossible to let go of the idea and I'm grateful I didn't have to.

@Waifwafer

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

Yep I felt exactly like that until I did it 10 years later. The best thing that ever happened to me. I was utterly and completely I would never do it. Everything changed. All I am saying is just go with the flow wherever it takes you don’t try to decide anything final about not having them. I am so glad I didn’t miss out.

Yes. I had my first at 18 and it's been fucking hard. Was very depressed after my second and have nothing had my third. I wouldn't say I've a very maternal person but if it was feasible I would have another 3 or 4 🤣.
I have a lot of respect for people who make the decision not to have children just to conform.

I am
Not sure I would have had 4dc.

But I couldn't ever imagine not having the last two.

We have no savings and we don't own our own house but we manage a couple of holidays a year. They are worth every penny and bring us so much joy.

I don't think I will lie on my deathbed and regret them.

To answer you question: yes would do it again knowing what I know. Just would have done it more than 10 years earlier. That is the only regret in my life.

I don't have any idea what I'd have done or how my life would have looked without children. I do know that I have fallen quite short as a parent and that my children are somewhat screwed up individuals (partly due to me, but they are their own odd selves). Perhaps we weren't a good match. But for me, being a mother has been a combination of worrying and failing every day, and I could have done without that for the last 20 years. I do love them, and wouldn't wish them out of existence, though!

Yes - in retrospect perhaps we'd have started sooner and had 2 instead of one.

I always wanted to be a mum but put it off as I was scared of how horrible labour would be and how hard it would be being a mum. I wish I'd done it earlier so I could have lots more (will hopefully have one more). It's actually everything I ever wanted. And the labour was fine too.

I'm glad I had them, they're all young adults now (18,20,22) and it's not been easy, but, playing the long game, I hope I have the relationship with them that I have with my dad and lovely step-mum now I'm in my 50s. They're for a lifetime.

YABU - I think I would still have had them

(On mobile - can't vote)

With glorious hindsight, I would have done some things differently - particularly noticing my dcs' SNs so that they could get their diagnoses and interventions earlier, and looking after myself better.

But absolutely I world have had them, just as they are.

TBH I had serious doubts about having dc - until I met the right man.

On the contrary, I wish I’d had my son 5 years earlier as we’d have had a second.
I never wanted them, then changed my mind quite randomly and by the time we managed to get DS here I was over 40.
I love him more than anything. I’m not in the slightest bit maternal and never have been.

Oh but also, and this is massively important. DH is 50:50 with everything relating to house and childcare. I have one other friend with a DH like this, most of the others I know are fucking useless. One of them has never even changed a nappy. So yes, do it with the right man!

I love them unconditionally. I couldn't change it as I would never ever want them to not be here.
But. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. For 9 years I have considered someone else before myself. In every decision they come first (and rightly so) and that can be very tough at times. They bring me joy. They make me laugh. I love their innocence and giggles. They love me so much. I love them so much. They bring me stress, rage, tears, exasperation, exhaustion, loss of identity, the juggle is real (I work FT in a demanding role). I had no idea how hard this would be. Physically and mentally. I would never ever not want these little people that I know and love. But, before they were here, if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have opted to not have any.
Just writing that makes me feel so awful. But it's not personal. I adore them. The reality of children - I've written my experience above.

@Waifwafer Thank you, you are very kind. Thing is it's the little things that hurt the most. It's DH's birthday tomorrow and I have just sat and written a card from DS as he cannot even hold a bloody pen.

Stupid, silly things like that that so many take for granted.

I feel doubly terrible now, the guilt is horrendous.

@Rewritethestars1

Yes I would. My eldest child has a disability and medical conditions which means I have an added pressure/stress/appointments etc but she has changed me as a person and made my life everything it is now. She has given me the strength and fight to achieve more than I could have ever imagined and has showed me what true happiness is. The love and protection I feel for her is so raw and primal and I truly feel without her I would have died a long time ago. She has me in tears often because she is relentlessly strong and resilient in the face of crippling medical and mental health issues. My youngest is just the biggest sweetheart and brings out my softer side. I love that she is so cute she turns heads, little blonde chubby thing.

That said, its been harder than I could ever have imagined. It is the most heartbreaking and tiring thing I have ever experienced. I admit i have not loved every bit of motherhood and had some dark times along the way.
I think its perfectly fine and totally understandable to make the choice to remain childfree. I can 100% see why people do.

What a lovely post.

No. I love them but I have realised that I did it all due to family and society pressure. I am from an Asian background so the pressure is relentless.

I've only recently found out who I am. A real introvert who loves lots of silence and me time. Having kids rips you open.

I have also discovered that emotionally and psychologically it brings up unexpected things. I have ended up reliving things through my kids that have been surprising and not always nice. It's fascinating.

I remember hearing Chris Packham talking about not wanting kids and he said something like "why would I want another me". It was almost like he was saying he was a freak and found the idea of reproducing disturbing. I think I'm also one of the freaks.

Sorry. Rather dark post from me !

Oh and two is a fuck ton harder than one. It's not twice the work. It's way more than that.

Definitely. Our DC are the best things in our lives.

Yes aspects of parenthood can be hard but each phase is relatively short.

Now that our DC are older and at Uni, DH and I can have our independence back, which is nice, but things like holidays are much more fun if they are there.

@Waifwafer

For those that said they didn't feel maternal before having kids... What made you have them if you didn't feel maternal? Just curious!

Next step and age.

99.9% of the time, yes.
When we have disastrous days, I tend to daydream about my life pre-kids.

At the end of the day though, they bring me so much joy and I love them soooo much. I couldn't imagine a life where they're not with me.

Same as @CookTheRice wouldn't give my children up for the world they are the whole reason for living.

The only thing I would add is how hard it is when your children get sick, its scary and its hard. I couldn't even begin (or want to) to imagine how some parents feel watching their child go through what some have to.

If you don't have the urge to have DC then don't parenting is hard enough when you had the complete desire/urge to have them!

Yes I would, the baby and toddler years were hard. But honestly they are just so much more than I ever dreamed they could be, I’m better for them. And they are just the funniest people ever. But we did have a difficult journey, one of our DC was stillborn which is difficult to live with every day, and I had several miscarriages, so I would say if your comfortable not having them then don’t be afraid of that, it’s absolutely ok. I new from being a kid that I needed to have children, it wasn’t a decision for me. But you don’t no what sort of journey you would be entering into if you decided to have children, and then there’s the worry of the world you are leading them into with climate change etc, it’s such a responsibility. Enjoy your life OP, don’t give in to peer pressure, and don’t second guess yourself, people love the ‘norm’ that they are used to, doesn’t mean they are right.