Do you think you would still have had kids...

[Waifwafer]

... If you knew, back then, everything you do now about having them?

Possibly a stupid or impossible question, but I hope it makes sense.

I'm 32 and I'm 90 percent sure I will remain childfree. I love kids but don't feel maternal in the slightest and I'm not sure if I ever will. Every so often, though, I do feel curious about what motherhood would be like. I thought it would be good to get some perspective from those that have kids. I think that if I did have them, I'd regret having them far more than if I didn't have them and had a slight pang of regret here and there. From what I can see, it looks fucking hard. Of course there is lots of good stuff and I'm sure you all love your kids and wouldn't change them for the world now thay they're here. Do you think you still would have done it, armed with your knowledge and experience of parenthood?

YABU - I think I would still have had them
YANBU - I don't think I would have had them

I was on the fence. DH was on the fence. We discussed it at length and decided that on the balance, we'd like children, could be good parents, etc. We decided to not take precautions and see what happened. I was adamant there would be no fertility treatment or anything if it didn't happen 'naturally'.

Even when I was pregnant I'd have moments of 'what have we done?'

DD is 5 and absolutely fantastic. Watching her turn into a person is amazing. The love is on another level.

It's hard, especially the baby stage. I had a rough pregnancy, and we did decide not to have any more.

If it hadn't happened we'd have more money (and probably more dogs), but I think we would still be happy, just differently happy.

I had to answer this one because at 32, I was like you. I was determined I didn't want children.
At 35 I had some overwhelming biological urge to have a baby. I ended up going through fertility treatment and was lucky enough to have two children in my late 30s.
They are now older teenagers and I have enjoyed having them in my life so much. Yes, there are difficult times and there will be in the future, but not a week goes by when I don't think how lucky I am to have them in my life.
I don't think you know what kind of a parent you or your partner will be until you have children. I'm lucky my partner is equally hands on and devoted to them.

I think bring an older mother has meant I was further on career wise and had already done a lot of things I wanted to do in my life, plus we were more financially stable so this has made things easier.
My only regret is that I didn't start wanting children earlier so I could have had more. But perhaps I wouldn't have felt the same way about them if that had been the case?
Go with whatever feels right for you. Whatever decision you make is the right one for you. Try to live through that decision without regrets and live your best life with or without children.

There has not been one moment in the thirty years of fatherhood that I've wished I weren't a father.

Yes.... but I wish their lives had been easier. I think I should have done better by them and didn't think about things enough.

It's hard, especially the baby stage

I feel the opposite. If you asked me when they were tiny if I regretted it, I'd have definitely said no. It's teenage hood which has made me regret it. It's absolutely hideous and the stakes are so much higher if they make a mistake.

I would, because it is the only really meaningful/useful thing I have ever done. I had a fancy career pre-children, but it was essentially meaningless (to me). I have found teenagers very hard going, but the happiest times of my entire life were spent with my DC when they were all toddlers - and before I had them, various things that had happened which made me think happiness was over for me. I was so wrong.

Yes but I would protect my career and pension. I would ensure that whoever I had them with was not a child themselves and could co-parent effectively. I would make them do half of everything. So, the regrets are not about having children even though it can be hard - rather, who I had them with.

Yes, but:

• I have a huge support system around me. Very involved grandparents. A lot of people don't.
• DD has on balance been easy. Yes there's periods where sleep is disrupted. But she was sleeping through from early on, it's sporadic now
• We have money. This makes it easier.

I was on the fence about having children (erring towards not) when I had a contraceptive failure and fell pregnant at 29. I couldn’t even contemplate a termination so continued the pregnancy and now I have my DS, who is nearly 3.

I felt the strongest regret when he was first born; I think it was the shock of how significantly my life had changed, however, once I adjusted to the idea, the regret turned to acceptance. I wouldn’t say that i’d do things differently if I had my time again because there’s no saying that child free life would be a bed of roses, either. Just different challenges.

On the plus side, DS is bright, sparky and brings so much joy to me, my husband and my wider family. I’ve also broadened my own interests like spending lots of time in the great outdoors.

Parenting can be relentless but I make sure I have time for me each day, even if it’s 30 mins. I also build in things to look forward to each day, even as small as reading a chapter of a book I’m enjoying or watching a favourite TV show. Going back to work after a year helped and I still pursue my own interests and hobbies to maintain the sense that I am still ‘me’.

Having a child has added a new dimension to my life, not taken anything away. That said, I’m one and done 🤣

@tiktokontheclock

Yes, but:

• I have a huge support system around me. Very involved grandparents. A lot of people don't.
• DD has on balance been easy. Yes there's periods where sleep is disrupted. But she was sleeping through from early on, it's sporadic now
• We have money. This makes it easier.

Yes these are the key points imo.

Support
Money
The child you have

A woman with a big support network, enough money and a nt healthy, well behaved child is going to have a vastly different experience of motherhood compared to an isolated single mum on benefits with a disabled child. Absolutely world's apart

Hi
OK, the truth is I found the first few years v hard.
I was in a very bad marriage, after my DD I had four miscarriages and was then diagnosed with hypothyroidism.
I subsequently stopped at one.
My only regret is that I didn't have her later and with someone else.
Which is a very odd thing to say I know.
I loved her the moment I saw her, I enjoyed our time together when she was younger, but I was a zombie. I had no idea what day of the week it was most of the time and it was only when she hit five. When I was starting my divorce & had my diagnosis that I was really ready to be a mum.
I don't regret motherhood, I regret rushing into it at 31 because I was too scared to miss the boat.
I feel my 'desperation' my 'unstable situation' affected her early significantly and I feel guilty that I put her through that.
So yes I'm glad I had a child, I think she's happy now. 😊
Follow your gut feeling, get a fertility assessment see how you feel after that. If you don't want children, don't do it xx

It's teenage hood which has made me regret it.

Absolutely this. I found the early years hard but they do not compare to teens. If you have lovely, happy, sensible teens you will not get this at all but I would not choose to go through this again. It's brutal, heartbreaking and confusing.

I've no idea who I am anymore.

@dayswithaY. It's so tough isn't it and objectively I know my teenager could be worse. Thank god he never gets into trouble outside of the house..he's just so rude and defiant at home. It has affected my mental health more than looking after babies and toddlers ever did!

Agree about the teen years. My DC were an absolute dream until then...