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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be reluctant to be a Godparent to a child about to be adopted

373 replies

LoveMyPiano · 28/01/2022 18:32

I have previously posted about the situation with my neighbour/friend (younger than my own daughter), who - after a lengthy process - is about to lose her daughter, after the baby has spent nearly 7 months in Foster Care (starting after her birth). Earlier this month, a Final Order was made by the Court and she will be placed with an adoptive family, in the next month or so I think.

A concession (amongst others that have been made) is that she can be Christened (not sure how that will work wrt to her name after adoption), and, at the last minute (...) I have been asked to be Godmother.

In view of the adoption proceess, I am not really sure of how my being Gp would work, or have any relevance whatsoever in her future life. I AM prepared to do it for my "friend", as I feel so very very sad for her, and she does need all the support she can get.

But I am not sure of the wisom of it, and how that is affeced also by her being Roman Catholic (and I am pretty much agnostic, Methodiist at a push and Buddhist by preference.... not that ANY of that will come into it); I would hate to just pay lip service to it - but really do wish that I had not been asked.

(My daughter's Godparents have been 100% hands off, I am sorry to say.)

I would welcome any thoughts, suggestions, opinions....
(Oh yes, it so last minute that the Christening [Baptism?] is on Sunday...) Help?

OP posts:
MooSakah · 28/01/2022 18:34

Ask if you're still allowed to be a godparent given you are a Buddhist?

IsolaPribby · 28/01/2022 18:35

In this situation I would just do it for your friend. It sounds like she needs support right now.

NotsoNeurotypical · 28/01/2022 18:37

What a sad situation. Why is her baby being adopted?

RussianSpy101 · 28/01/2022 18:37

Put everything else aside and do this one thing for your friend who is about to loose her daughter and have her life ripped apart.
Yes, she will of made some mistakes to get here, but she needs you.

LittleBearPad · 28/01/2022 18:39

I would do it for your friend.

Dogdayafternoonz · 28/01/2022 18:39

If it will help her feel even a tiny bit better I would do it. I can't imagine the horror of her situation.

ApolloandDaphne · 28/01/2022 18:39

I would do it as a loving gesture for your friend. She will get to remember the christening for years to come and you will have been a part of that story. Wrt the name - most adopted children retain the name given to them by their birth parents. It is part of their identity and views as very important for adopted children.

TabithaTittlemouse · 28/01/2022 18:40

I would just say thank you but you are not religious and that you feel that you would be lying.

NotsoNeurotypical · 28/01/2022 18:40

I would absolutely do it, regardless. It's an act of kindness and compassion for the mother, so even if it is not a religious alignment it's an opportunity to share in your humanity.

I doubt you will have any subsequent part in the child's life or be called upon as a godparent if the adoption goes ahead (is there any chance it won't?)

SandysMam · 28/01/2022 18:41

I will probably be flamed for being judgemental but a baby being removed from it’s mother does not happen lightly. Even if she was mentally/physically unwell they would likely try to keep the link for hope of recovery. Adoption is usually very final for mother’s failure to safeguard child and I would struggle to be friends with someone who was in this situation (unless massive non fault backstory). Would need further information as to why the child is being taken away before being able to advise but understand that could be outing so you might not be able to provide!

georgarina · 28/01/2022 18:41

I would just do it. Not sure about the 'wisdom' or how any of that is relevant? It's just a symbolic gesture.

The only way I wouldn't is if you're no longer in touch because she was horrifically abusive to DD.

2holibobssofar · 28/01/2022 18:42

If she’s catholic, the god parent would be required to be catholic, as you are assuming the role of ensuring and supporting her spiritual education. Also, usually, taking her in should her parents die.
Which you won’t be able to do if she’s being adopted, so maybe the priest is letting this slide if he knows she’s being adopted.

Theunamedcat · 28/01/2022 18:43

Just do it she will appreciate the gesture

PatriotCanes · 28/01/2022 18:43

If it is a Catholic baptism, only confirmed Catholics can be godparents. Other people can be listed as "Christian witnesses" underneath, but there needs to be at least one confirmed Catholic. Not that any priest asked to see a confirmation certificate but they are usually quite strict.

AddingMustard · 28/01/2022 18:43

Is she hoping it means that you will be allowed regular contact with the child?

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 28/01/2022 18:45

@NotsoNeurotypical

What a sad situation. Why is her baby being adopted?
She (baby) would be in an unsafe environment, whichever way you look at it - by herself, in the relationship.... Literally NO family support (was adopted herself, and her "parents" have almost washed thei hands of her, she has some mental "disorders"....). Mother & Baby Unit declined. Other family members (on father's side) will not take on baby, due to too much involvement with mother.

It has been death-by-a-thousand-cuts to reach this point.

OP posts:
wildseas · 28/01/2022 18:45

There is an adoption board here and it would be worth posting there I think.

A lot of parents who have adopted their kids really treasure things from their family of origin to use in life story work.

It might be nice to get their recommendations of what you could do for the child. Maybe a christening gift and a letter which they can take on to their new family?

I think this sort of care would also be a huge support to your friend.

AppleKatie · 28/01/2022 18:45

I would imagine in practical terms it will mean nothing- if the child’s name is to be changed it will be changed.

I would have thought it would go into baby’s story as a part of their life before adoption and having a record of a baptism with godparents will ‘prove’ to the baby/child/adult (as s/he) grows that even if her birth mother couldn’t look after her she did love her enough to arrange something like this. If I was the adopted child that would bring me comfort.

It will bring comfort to your friend.

If you’re worried about not actually doing anything as a godparent perhaps consider saying you will pray for the child as it grows. This may mean nothing to you, but again would probably comfort your friend.

In short. Yes I would do it. In practical terms for you it’s a couple of hours out of a Sunday, for the mother and child it may mean an awful lot (or not- but there’s a chance…)

Cocomarine · 28/01/2022 18:46

@2holibobssofar

If she’s catholic, the god parent would be required to be catholic, as you are assuming the role of ensuring and supporting her spiritual education. Also, usually, taking her in should her parents die. Which you won’t be able to do if she’s being adopted, so maybe the priest is letting this slide if he knows she’s being adopted.
A random baptism does not grant de facto kinship adoption rights!

I’d say the biggest barrier here was the fact you’re not even a Christian Confused

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/01/2022 18:47

I would do it, and I am really not religious. I would do it so the friend feels that she had a solid person willing to do this for her and her daughter, and also because at some point the baby will look into her past and also be able to see that she had this.

Once she is adopted you won't have any significant role in her life (many unrelated godparents don't anyway tbh). It really isn't a big commitment.

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 28/01/2022 18:47

@2holibobssofar

If she’s catholic, the god parent would be required to be catholic, as you are assuming the role of ensuring and supporting her spiritual education. Also, usually, taking her in should her parents die. Which you won’t be able to do if she’s being adopted, so maybe the priest is letting this slide if he knows she’s being adopted.
That' is what I wondered. But also thought that the adoption of the baby might cancel out the need for this.... (which sounds a bit casual, I don't mean it that way).
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/01/2022 18:48

I wouldn’t do it. No way. And I think it’s very unfair of her to ask and try to involve you like this.

You can definitely say no and not feel bad about it.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/01/2022 18:48

I’d say the biggest barrier here was the fact you’re not even a Christian

Methodists are Christian, and I take it this is the OP's background.

Jellybearlovescake · 28/01/2022 18:49

I adopted my child, she was baptised into a different religion from ours just before she moved in with us. I feel uncomfortable about it as think she will feel conflicted when she is older. It feels like it was for the benefit of the birth family not her and lip service to the religion as social workers knew she wouldn't be growing up following it.

NotsoNeurotypical · 28/01/2022 18:49

That's so sad @LoveMyPiano and what a shame about the mother and baby unit. I know they are so limited for places, but can be truly transformative for women who lack support and confidence. It is so hard for people to break out of a generational pattern of child removal. Death by a thousand cuts sounds about right.