To be reluctant to be a Godparent to a child about to be adopted

[LoveMyPiano]

I have previously posted about the situation with my neighbour/friend (younger than my own daughter), who - after a lengthy process - is about to lose her daughter, after the baby has spent nearly 7 months in Foster Care (starting after her birth). Earlier this month, a Final Order was made by the Court and she will be placed with an adoptive family, in the next month or so I think.

A concession (amongst others that have been made) is that she can be Christened (not sure how that will work wrt to her name after adoption), and, at the last minute (...) I have been asked to be Godmother.

In view of the adoption proceess, I am not really sure of how my being Gp would work, or have any relevance whatsoever in her future life. I AM prepared to do it for my "friend", as I feel so very very sad for her, and she does need all the support she can get.

But I am not sure of the wisom of it, and how that is affeced also by her being Roman Catholic (and I am pretty much agnostic, Methodiist at a push and Buddhist by preference.... not that ANY of that will come into it); I would hate to just pay lip service to it - but really do wish that I had not been asked.

(My daughter's Godparents have been 100% hands off, I am sorry to say.)

I would welcome any thoughts, suggestions, opinions....
(Oh yes, it so last minute that the Christening [Baptism?] is on Sunday...) Help?

I would feel very uncomfortable with this, mainly because it's the Catholic faith which isn't mine. On that basis I would say no.

Current best practice is not to change a child's name and SHOULD be to encourage direct (F2F) contact with birth famIly etc. UK SWs are however very behind on this compared e.g. to US practice in children adopted from foster care.
Children need to know about their origins and these days it's a question of how and when they contact birth family, not whether. Younger is better and with adoptive family supporting them is better.

If you want to keep in touch then tell the SWs. It is likely to be very beneficial for the child.

Speaking as a semi religious person, i would do it if the church allows it as a comfort to the mother. Being christened doesn't commit the child to anything, confirmation does that. if you can contribute to whatever will be kept for the child to have when she is older then that would be a good thing to do too. I don't think there is any need for a child to be conflicted. the foster and adoptive parents don't have to do anything about raising her in her baptised religion unless they have been particularly chosen for that reason. if you don't pray then obvs you won't pray for her but you can keep the baby in your thoughts and dedicate the merit of your acts to her.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I’d say the biggest barrier here was the fact you’re not even a Christian

Methodists are Christian, and I take it this is the OP's background.

But she's also an agnostic and Buddhist as well apparently

You are way overthinking this. The mother will feel supported, the baby will not be harmed in any way, and when she is older she may see this as a gesture of blessing and protection from her birth family. The process takes only a few minutes.

So I don’t have time to read the whole thread but wanted to comment as I am adopted and was raised catholic. Just to say my daughter was christened with three ‘godparents’, one Christian but not Catholic, one Buddhist and one atheist. I mean I don’t remember the priest asking about it but I would have told him if he asked. Maybe we worded it that they would guide our daughter ‘spiritually’ or something? Anyway as an adoptee I think it would be v meaningful and lovely to have a picture of myself as a baby surrounded by people who cared about me even if they couldn’t be in my life forever. And I really feel for your friend. What she is going through is clearly devastating for her too. If it helps her feel that she has surrounded her baby with what protection she can to send her into the future that could be something she really needs. I doubt a priest would get too hung up on the details in a situation so poignant, it would be so petty and unchristian.

@IAmMyOwnWorstEnemy

(My own borther was adopted "out" of our "family", and his name was very much changed. No-one even told me about him for nearly 30 years.... But maybe things are different these days.)

Op, although it used to be the case, a baby's name is not allowed to be changed once adopted. I have a friend who has adopted a baby 4 years ago and she couldn't change her birth name. The baby had been in Foster care from birth.

This is very useful to know, thank you. She has been very emphatic about baby's name - and her double-barrelled surname. This baby has been in Foster care since she was born, with regular contact from both parents, but only 1 or 2 visits from extended family. I am happy to know that I will not have to be inwardly concerned that she will be re-named.

(I doubt I would ever have been able to find my brother - and similarly, a half-sister was adopted, and her name has been changed too. I only found out about her a few years ago.
Sadly, I did hear that, once adopted, we are actually no longer brother and sister, half- or otherwise.)

What happens to the baby post adoption is out of your hands and obviously you can’t be a hands on God parent. But this obviously means a lot to the birth mum, it’s probably the only thing she can do for her child before she loses her for ever. In your place I’d go ahead and do it and it’s not just paying lip service, you’re giving emotional support to the birth mum that she’ll be able to look back on for years. And whatever or none religion I’m sure you could use the occasion to wish the little one health and happiness, peace and safety in her new family.

But she's also an agnostic and Buddhist as well apparently

Honestly, most godparents these days are agnostic, unless the baby's family are very religious.

I'm an atheist, but Protestant background.
I'm Godmother to my Catholic nephew.
The Irish priest who baptised him was quite happy with the arrangement, and adjusted my promises.
So don't let the religious bit stop you.
It will comfort your friend.

I'd just do it. It won't do any harm, but. More harm may come by not if that makes sense.

Its heartbreaking that it in this day and age- a mother who wants to keep her baby, cannot.

@2holibobssofar, no, RC godparents are not undertaking to be guardians to a baby they are godparents to.

This is a separate, secular matter.

It is also completely moot in this case.

So this child is being removed because of lack of support absolutely despicable in this day and age. I think I would offer to be godmother to a complete stranger under the circumstances feels like the very least you could do as a fellow human being religion has nothing to do with this

I know your friend is a catholic but I googled christenings recently (work related!) and the Church of England website seemed to be suggesting that while it’s not actually that much of an issue to have a child christened if the parents aren’t hugely religious, the godparents do need to be. I would be surprised if you would be ‘permitted’ to be a godparent, but I’d be very happy to be told I’m wrong.

Having said that, I would certainly agree to it if I knew it would be possible. It would show your support to your friend and it’s really not harming anyone.

@PatriotCanes

If it is a Catholic baptism, only confirmed Catholics can be godparents. Other people can be listed as "Christian witnesses" underneath, but there needs to be at least one confirmed Catholic. Not that any priest asked to see a confirmation certificate but they are usually quite strict.

I have 4 children and I've never been asked if the god parents were Catholic, confirmed or anything else. I think alot of priests don't ask, I know my parish priest has always said if people want a child to be Baptised he will do it.

@LoveMyPiano, the post about becoming a guardian to the baby is completely inaccurate. You would not be taking on this responsibility.

I would go ahead and become a godparent. It's likely the christening is seen by the mother as the only thing she can do for her baby now, a last gift she can give the little one.

She is probably completely aware that the baby may not be adopted by a RC family, but still wants RC baptism as a link to her. Some birth mothers give their babies a name that has a special meaning to them, some give the gift of baptism.

Me and my husband were brought up Catholic, though neither of us practise and in fact we would describe ourselves as anti Catholic.

My 11 year old niece was christened Catholic. There were to be 4 godparents, us, my 15 year old nephew, and my sister's oldest friend. At the last minute, my nephew wasn't able to, as he wasn't christened Catholic.

@Bringsexyback

So this child is being removed because of lack of support absolutely despicable in this day and age. I think I would offer to be godmother to a complete stranger under the circumstances feels like the very least you could do as a fellow human being religion has nothing to do with this

It is such a shame; given her limitations, and the volatility of the relationship, it is probably the "best" decision that SS/the Court could have made. But it would have been so much nicer if this could have played out differently - and the lack of professional, agency/family support has played a huge part in the outcome.

@IAmMyOwnWorstEnemy

(My own borther was adopted "out" of our "family", and his name was very much changed. No-one even told me about him for nearly 30 years.... But maybe things are different these days.)

Op, although it used to be the case, a baby's name is not allowed to be changed once adopted. I have a friend who has adopted a baby 4 years ago and she couldn't change her birth name. The baby had been in Foster care from birth.

I'm sorry but this information isn't correct. An adoption certificate is sufficient evidence that the child's surname has changed to that of the adopted family, and there is nothing to stop adoptive parents changing the child's forename(s) by deed poll.

YYY to godmum56's excellent post.

I am RC and would see standing as a godparent for this baby as an act of charity.

On the name change, I think they would change the surname (at least all adopted children I know share a surname with their parents), but I do know of one family who adopted a baby who were encouraged to change the name because the family (not the parents, I think, but extended family) had made threats around the child. The thought was that it would make it harder for the family to find them.

I don't know though whether this is official or whether they just use a different name. The child isn't old enough for that to be a worry yet.

@IAmMyOwnWorstEnemy

(My own borther was adopted "out" of our "family", and his name was very much changed. No-one even told me about him for nearly 30 years.... But maybe things are different these days.)

Op, although it used to be the case, a baby's name is not allowed to be changed once adopted. I have a friend who has adopted a baby 4 years ago and she couldn't change her birth name. The baby had been in Foster care from birth.

I'm sorry but this isn't true, adoptive parents can and do change children's names regularly. It does depend on the age of the child and I imagine it wouldn't be recommended for older children but almost all of the babies I have seen be adopted have had their name changed.

Being a Christian is about your own beliefs and observance. You are not ‘a Methodist’ because your parents were, or because you were brought up that way. Baptism is a holy sacrament in which parents and godparents make pledges about the life they will provide for the child. I am very surprised that any church would consider this under the circumstances.
As a Christian, I would not do this, although I would pledge to pray for the child and would try to support the friend.
Churches can provide a service of blessing which would be much more appropriate here.

I’d do it in a heartbeat to make a friend happy. I’m an atheist but I had my DD baptised to make my grandparents happy. It has had no bearing on her life and I’ve never regretted it. No one ever asked what religion the godparents were (only one was catholic).

You can be a godparent if you are not Catholic but the child must have one Catholic godparent.