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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be reluctant to be a Godparent to a child about to be adopted

373 replies

LoveMyPiano · 28/01/2022 18:32

I have previously posted about the situation with my neighbour/friend (younger than my own daughter), who - after a lengthy process - is about to lose her daughter, after the baby has spent nearly 7 months in Foster Care (starting after her birth). Earlier this month, a Final Order was made by the Court and she will be placed with an adoptive family, in the next month or so I think.

A concession (amongst others that have been made) is that she can be Christened (not sure how that will work wrt to her name after adoption), and, at the last minute (...) I have been asked to be Godmother.

In view of the adoption proceess, I am not really sure of how my being Gp would work, or have any relevance whatsoever in her future life. I AM prepared to do it for my "friend", as I feel so very very sad for her, and she does need all the support she can get.

But I am not sure of the wisom of it, and how that is affeced also by her being Roman Catholic (and I am pretty much agnostic, Methodiist at a push and Buddhist by preference.... not that ANY of that will come into it); I would hate to just pay lip service to it - but really do wish that I had not been asked.

(My daughter's Godparents have been 100% hands off, I am sorry to say.)

I would welcome any thoughts, suggestions, opinions....
(Oh yes, it so last minute that the Christening [Baptism?] is on Sunday...) Help?

OP posts:
figuringoutmylife · 30/01/2022 00:26

I would do it for your friend. The reality is her adoptive family will bring her up in their faith most likely. This is the baby's last special connection to their parent by birth. To me godparent isn't as much about religion as care and concern. Feel honoured to be asked and let your friend have this last special day.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2022 00:28

This is a baptism put together at short notice, so the choosing of the godparents with being RC as one of the hurdles to cross has not been possible.

I disagree that the godparents have not been chosen with care. The OP clearly means a lot to the mother.

The RC baptism is clearly important to the mother, or she wouldn't be having her child baptised.

My point is that a religious baptism isn't the same as a naming ceremony. The adoptive parents can have one of those if they wish.

CPL593H · 30/01/2022 00:36

@mathanxiety

This is a baptism put together at short notice, so the choosing of the godparents with being RC as one of the hurdles to cross has not been possible.

I disagree that the godparents have not been chosen with care. The OP clearly means a lot to the mother.

The RC baptism is clearly important to the mother, or she wouldn't be having her child baptised.

My point is that a religious baptism isn't the same as a naming ceremony. The adoptive parents can have one of those if they wish.

And that will depend on the priest, and whatever the OP decides it will be his call as to whether it goes ahead or not. We don't know if or who are the other godparents and whether they are baptised/confirmed RC, which as far as I know would possibly make a difference.

My point was about conducting a Christian baptism where lying about your belief is involved. I have not suggested that is the case with the birth mother in this situation.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2022 00:44

It would be highly unlikely that a priest would refuse baptism in any of the circumstances described by the OP.

@CPL593H
The mother wishes baptism for her child. The baptism has been scheduled for Sunday. The rest is window dressing, and there is no impediment to the priest himself being named as godparent.

CPL593H · 30/01/2022 00:51

@mathanxiety

It would be highly unlikely that a priest would refuse baptism in any of the circumstances described by the OP.

@CPL593H
The mother wishes baptism for her child. The baptism has been scheduled for Sunday. The rest is window dressing, and there is no impediment to the priest himself being named as godparent.

Yeah, OK, I will bow to your clearly superior knowledge of what this priest will think and do, up to and including being named as godfather.

@LoveMyPiano , I wish you, the mother and the baby the very best, whatever happens.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2022 01:06

@CPL593H

Maybe you missed the bit about the baptism already being scheduled.

This involves calling the priest to discuss it, talking about the circumstances, and getting his agreement to it, not just rocking up to the church on the day and expecting him to go ahead with it.

CPL593H · 30/01/2022 01:11

[quote mathanxiety]@CPL593H

Maybe you missed the bit about the baptism already being scheduled.

This involves calling the priest to discuss it, talking about the circumstances, and getting his agreement to it, not just rocking up to the church on the day and expecting him to go ahead with it.[/quote]
Fine, but I think you're missing the fact that the OP is not sure herself what to anticipate, and was actually asking earlier today if she should talk to the priest.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2022 01:12

This is because the OP is not RC and knows nothing about RC baptism.

SirVixofVixHall · 30/01/2022 09:43

@LoveMyPiano

"It’s not so much that a priest wouldn’t want to allow it, it’s just that as you can’t be ‘rebaptised’, the child and adoptive parents would need to use the original baptismal certificate etc with the child’s birth name and the birth mother’s name etc —generally after the adoption certificate (which functions as a birth certificate) is issued, all admin relating to the child’s birth identity is decoupled from their new one (NHS stuff, for instance)."

Sorry - I can't seem to quote properly.....

This is something that worries me, or my friend - as I do fear that she is being a wee bit "controlling" for the future as well. IF the only future communication is Letterbox - which I undertand does not include identities - then the child is not to know who her birth parent are - and yet that information will be available due to this Baptism?

This is the only thing she can control now. The bleakness of that, when she is the baby’s mother, is painful to read. I would help to allow her to be able to have this one thing, as she may never see her baby again.
KentdonMum · 30/01/2022 09:58

If you aren’t Christian you shouldn’t really do it. Certainly in the Church of England, godparents need to be Baptised and I would imagine in the Catholic Church it would be the same if not stricter (e.g actually be Catholic). That also provides you with a reason not to enter into something you don’t feel comfortable doing

ancientgran · 30/01/2022 10:07

@mathanxiety

During the baptism you and the parents will be asked to renounce Satan and all his empty promises, and also do you believe in God the father almighty. Are you able to do this in all honesty? Or would it make feel awkward and uncomfortable? Hmm Or would you be willing to put yourself out for a few minutes in order to give this immense gift of support to the young mother who has been let down by everyone else in her life?
I'm sure the OP would feel OK about renouncing Satan, she isn't a Satanist afterall. She has spiritual beliefs so does it matter if she calls God something else, God the father almighty is a way of naming God.

There is a spectrum in the Catholic faith like anything else. The nuns who taught me taught tolerance. One of their sayings was, "Prayer is like smoke, it all goes up." Meaning even if you pray to Allah or Yahweh God will understand.

I hope the mother finds some comfort in the sacrament.

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 30/01/2022 13:49

It is done now - as strange and happy and sad as it was. Even with my doubts and reervations, it felt best to go ahead, and I was happy to support in the small way that I did.
The Priest was lovely, and I had the job of bring the Light from a candle at the back of the Church to light a Baptismal Candle that will go with baby. (Another unlit one will stay with mother.)
No-one asked this heathen about beliefs, thank goodness. But I have learnt such a lot from the responses on here, and am grateful - and ashamed of my own ignorance.

The carefully chosen gifts wre not opened as they went off with the Foster Carer, which made me a bit sad. I will attach a photo to another post. I also wrote this letter;

"I am writing this letter on the day of your Christening, 30th January 2022.

It is a very important day, even though you are unlikely to remember it.

You are very much loved by your parents, and everyone who is here today will hold you dear in their hearts.

I am very sorry that I will not see you when you take the next steps in your life, as much I would hope to - but I feel sure that you will embark on a path into a lovely life, and that you will know how much you were loved right from the start, and that this love will stay with you forever, like gentle and warm hug to remind you that you are a very special girl.

It is an honour to be a part of this day, and I shall treasure the memory - keeping you always close to my heart.

With love always."

OP posts:
MeredithGreyishblue · 30/01/2022 13:53

You did a good thing, OP

Yika · 30/01/2022 14:01

What a lovely message for the little girl to take forward into her new life.

gogohm · 30/01/2022 14:02

What a beautiful message, perfect for her memory folder

redfairy · 30/01/2022 14:06

You did the right thing. Absolutely.

Peachandpearl · 30/01/2022 14:07

Beautiful, what a lovely letter and send off into her adopted life.

CuriousCassie · 30/01/2022 14:18

@LoveMyPiano

It is done now - as strange and happy and sad as it was. Even with my doubts and reervations, it felt best to go ahead, and I was happy to support in the small way that I did. The Priest was lovely, and I had the job of bring the Light from a candle at the back of the Church to light a Baptismal Candle that will go with baby. (Another unlit one will stay with mother.) No-one asked this heathen about beliefs, thank goodness. But I have learnt such a lot from the responses on here, and am grateful - and ashamed of my own ignorance.

The carefully chosen gifts wre not opened as they went off with the Foster Carer, which made me a bit sad. I will attach a photo to another post. I also wrote this letter;

"I am writing this letter on the day of your Christening, 30th January 2022.

It is a very important day, even though you are unlikely to remember it.

You are very much loved by your parents, and everyone who is here today will hold you dear in their hearts.

I am very sorry that I will not see you when you take the next steps in your life, as much I would hope to - but I feel sure that you will embark on a path into a lovely life, and that you will know how much you were loved right from the start, and that this love will stay with you forever, like gentle and warm hug to remind you that you are a very special girl.

It is an honour to be a part of this day, and I shall treasure the memory - keeping you always close to my heart.

With love always."

How lovely. You've made me cry.
saraclara · 30/01/2022 14:21

I have just put my little granddaughter down for her nap. I then read your message for this child and immediately teared up. It's absolutely beautiful.

Mr heart hurts for her birth family and those who've loved her during this first stage of her life. I hope that she will loved by, and loves in turn, those who will be there for her in the future.

Original poster
LoveMyPiano · 30/01/2022 14:27

I don't mean to make anyone sad; thank you for such kind words. It seemed to flow quite easily, even though I was writing it well after midnight....
I only hope she does get to read it someday Sad

OP posts:
jackfrosttoes · 30/01/2022 14:30

What a lovely letter - glad it went well. The candle and bringing light is my favourite bit!

ancientgran · 30/01/2022 14:35

OP your letter is beautiful. I'm so glad you felt able to do it and I'm sure the mother must be very grateful for your support. I'm sure the baby will be very touched when they are old enough to read and understand it.

As a Catholic I am so glad that you met a lovely priest and that he really involved you in the whole process.

I can't speak for anyone else but although your letter did make me tear up I feel very positive about what you have done and I hope your friend and the baby both do well. She is lucky to have you.

roastingmichael · 30/01/2022 14:40

That's a beautiful letter and I'm glad that you decided to go ahead today.

saraclara · 30/01/2022 14:51

Don't feel bad about making any of us sad! It's a beautiful kind of sad, even though I feel for her parents and for you.

Hopefully this baby will have a bright and loving future. It's the right thing for her, and thanks to your letter, shell know she was always loved.

Winchestercollege · 30/01/2022 14:57

So beautiful

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