To be reluctant to be a Godparent to a child about to be adopted

[LoveMyPiano]

I have previously posted about the situation with my neighbour/friend (younger than my own daughter), who - after a lengthy process - is about to lose her daughter, after the baby has spent nearly 7 months in Foster Care (starting after her birth). Earlier this month, a Final Order was made by the Court and she will be placed with an adoptive family, in the next month or so I think.

A concession (amongst others that have been made) is that she can be Christened (not sure how that will work wrt to her name after adoption), and, at the last minute (...) I have been asked to be Godmother.

In view of the adoption proceess, I am not really sure of how my being Gp would work, or have any relevance whatsoever in her future life. I AM prepared to do it for my "friend", as I feel so very very sad for her, and she does need all the support she can get.

But I am not sure of the wisom of it, and how that is affeced also by her being Roman Catholic (and I am pretty much agnostic, Methodiist at a push and Buddhist by preference.... not that ANY of that will come into it); I would hate to just pay lip service to it - but really do wish that I had not been asked.

(My daughter's Godparents have been 100% hands off, I am sorry to say.)

I would welcome any thoughts, suggestions, opinions....
(Oh yes, it so last minute that the Christening [Baptism?] is on Sunday...) Help?

I was going to suggest buying a notebook and writing in it every so often when you think of the baby as she grows.

Then if (when?) she contacts you it could be a starting point for conversation and show her that there were people who loved her and missed her even though they weren't in a position to look after her themselves.

I adopted my son 9 months ago.

If the final order has been made, adoption is clearly the plan and in that case being godmother would purely be symbolic action. You wouldn’t be expected or even be able to have an active godmotherly role in her life.

Our son wasn’t christened, but if he was, I’d imagine we’d probably just have a photo and a bit of writing about how his birth mum had chosen X to be his godmother so we could tell him when he was older.

You could write her a letter and ask for that to be passed on. That could be kept with her life story book so when she’s older she would have an idea of who you are, why you were chosen, what you knew about her as a baby. All these things are important for adoption children. I know we really cherish all the photos and letters we have to help DS when he is older.

ConfusedBear has a lovely suggestion there.

Slightly controversially, I'm not sure about whether it's a good idea for you to be a godparent. Part of the process involves promising to God that you'll take responsibility for the spiritual guidance of the child, and this is something that you can't do, because of the very sad circumstances here. You're not going to be in the baby's life, and so you can't really make genuine vows to do the things that a godparent will do. It's a tough call though.

If you don't want to do then you shouldn't do it, however if you don't have any major objections, religiously speaking, then I think I would probably do it just to offer some support and kindness.

It is, after all, just going through the motions. The birth mother probably is trying to have that very last link with her child and is grasping at as many ways to do it. Regardless of why the baby has been removed, she is still a woman who is grieving the loss of her child and coming to terms with the fact that her future will be forever changed now.

My kids are adopted. As much as I despise the choices birth parents made, they still grieved for their child. Neither set of birth parents put up any sort of fight for my kids and as much as I am pleased the court case was plain sailing, part of me wishes they had fought a bit harder so that I could tell my kids that despite not being able to look after them safely their birth parents did fight for them. Maybe this is her way of showing she does care.

@Haffdonga

You won't be allowed any ongoing contact with this child after she's adopted. Letterbox is for close birth family only at the discretion of the child's adoptive parents, not next door neighbours (even if they're god parents). You might be allowed to write her a letter that her parents can choose to show her if they feel it's appropriate at some stage in her life (you could explain your relationship to her, say you'll always keep her in your thoughts, remember her and wish her well). I think you need to decide what to do based on what's best for the child in the long run. As one adopter has said on this thread, having their dc christened into a different faith may cause the child to be uncomfortable, question their identity etc. On the other hand perhaps it could help the child to know there are people in their young life who cared about them.

I never thought that I would; I certainly know what adoption means. It is the parents only who can have the Letterbox contact, and I do know that it goes though some kind of intermediary process. Even, given who the parents are, the Letterbox contact is not guaranteed.

Yes, it interesting to see different perspectives. Heck, I am not too sure I was even christened (they didn't bother getting me vaccinated, I do know that), and once away from my parents, was pushed onto the Methodist path (or LDS as I mentioned), but am not sure how I would feel if I had been pigeon-holed by people who I knew only in some hypothetical manner. And, the other side of the complication for the adoptive parents..... it could be so difficult for them, especially with a strong reliigion like Catholicism.

For example, another child [connected to the same family] that I know of, recently (as he has got older and more aware) asked to be moved from a placement where they did not celebrate Christmas themselves, even though they did get a tree and decorate etc etc for him. Once he made the requst (he is 9), he was moved quite speedily.

A large part of my decision would also depend on if she practices her religion.

@IAmMyOwnWorstEnemy

(My own borther was adopted "out" of our "family", and his name was very much changed. No-one even told me about him for nearly 30 years.... But maybe things are different these days.)

Op, although it used to be the case, a baby's name is not allowed to be changed once adopted. I have a friend who has adopted a baby 4 years ago and she couldn't change her birth name. The baby had been in Foster care from birth.

This isn’t true. Adopters can change a child’s name. I am an adopter and I changed my child’s middle and surname. I could have changed their first name if I’d wished to but I didn’t. Adoptive parents can do anything a birth parent can do as we have the same legal rights.

My dc were baptised the rule was one of the godparents had to be catholic.

This was what my friend and I were told. As a non-Catholic I had to have a couple of 'meetings' with her and the priest to be sure I understood the importance of the sacraments to the Church and the priest needed to feel assured that I would be willing to see them carried out if need be.

Your beliefs do not matter. God parents - are guide people who loved the child and or parents. My children have an atheist, a Protestant and no religion at all - they all vowed to see them one a year and be there if the child wanted advice.

Your friend will have photos of the day that she might want to show her daughter if she was older.

Fathers family can fuck off if that’s how they talk to her I’m not surprised she is badly affected by them. Fuckers.

Go support your friend and love her and her child through this difficult child. Write to the child supply your details when they are old enough.

So shocking if the support your friend needed wasn’t given to her - but thank her new parents for welcoming her and help your friend.

I think it could be very comforting to the child when they become an adult, to know that their mother cared enough to christen her. And on top of that, someone cared about her so much that they wanted to be GP to a child that was about to be given up for adoption. They will feel loved and cared for by BM, despite the situation of parent being unable to care for them as a parent must.

It’s an act of compassion for the future adult. I would do it.

Before agreeing I would check whether you are eligible. The point of a godparent being Catholic in the Catholic church is that they will help/guide the bringing up of someone in the Catholic faith. Which is not really discriminatory; the rule just serves its own purpose.

Very awkward situation for you to be put in op.
As others have said the child's name 100% can be changed I know this for absolute fact.
Once the child is adopted then the birth certificate becomes obsolete and an adoption certificate (with what ever name the new parents choose) will be issued.
Don't feel bad whatever you decide to do op.

If you become this child's godparent, you could just keep her in your heart and thoughts wherever she is and wish her well.
Maybe privately acknowledge her birthday and remember her as she grows, wishing her happiness.

As a Godparent you are declaring that you are a Christian yourself. You make public statements about what you believe, that you "turn to Christ". You are promising to support that child in their future spiritual development as a member of the church.

In this case, you don't have a faith yourself, and will not have the opportunity to be involved in the child's life after the adoption. So for these reasons I don't believe you should go ahead.

I understand you want to support and comfort your friend, and
realise that for many a christening ceremony is a celebration of the child. However, it is actually far more than that. Can you find a way to be there for your friend and to mark how special this child is, without going through a ceremony in which you don't believe and making promises you can't keep

I can't help thinking God would see why you'd done it and not get in the least bit arsey about it. It might be a kind thing to do.

The people who've made up rules about what you can and can't do in order to be worthy to God might be less so.

Do what you feel is right. I can't imagine it will be of huge consequence to the child later in life but might make your friend feel better.

I've just checked the affirmations a godparent has to make at a Catholic christening. These are solemn promises made before God and not to be taken lightly. The priest begins by asking if you believe in God, the Father almighty. 'Do you believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord....Do you believe in the Holy Spirit?'
You are expected to say "I do".
It's important to support your friend and to show her love and compassion. As I understand it, you say you have no faith. Even if you believe there is no God to lie to, perhaps it's worth considering if telling a lie to the priest and listeners in public on a solemn occasion will actually benefit your friend in the long run...Will she be able to trust you in future?

There’s so much misinformation here.

An adopted child’s name can be changed. It’s usually discouraged unless there are particular issues around the child being easily traced and birth family pose a risk. But once the order is made, adoptive parents can change it if they wish.

One godparent one a Catholic baptism needs to be baptised Catholic. The Priest may choose not to ask.

I can only see that the Baptism could be beneficial to the child. I can’t see any benefit in saying no and I can see lots of harm from that. I can’t see any harm from saying yes, only benefit.

And the poster being so judgemental clearly lacks experience of children’s services and care proceedings.

I think that anyone who would split hairs over religious beliefs / godparent role in these circumstances is seriously lacking in compassion.

This

@jenniesgame

As a Godparent you are declaring that you are a Christian yourself. You make public statements about what you believe, that you "turn to Christ". You are promising to support that child in their future spiritual development as a member of the church.

In this case, you don't have a faith yourself, and will not have the opportunity to be involved in the child's life after the adoption. So for these reasons I don't believe you should go ahead.

I understand you want to support and comfort your friend, and
realise that for many a christening ceremony is a celebration of the child. However, it is actually far more than that. Can you find a way to be there for your friend and to mark how special this child is, without going through a ceremony in which you don't believe and making promises you can't keep

I’m a Catholic. My dc were baptised as catholic’s and I’m pretty sure that the godparents I chose may have meant to support my dc spiritually but none of them ever did.

OP if you can bring some sort of comfort to the child’s mother by going through a ceremony whether meaningful or not is it really such a big deal?
She’s losing her dc, all your doing is paying lip service to a belief that you don’t particularly have.

I would be the god mother regardless of religion, that will help your friend. I think its a very good point that the baby might change religion so I would write a card for the baby to look at when they are older, saying

Dear xx
You are a precious baby and is is my honour to be your Godmother today.
I wish you happy times in your life.
There is an x flower on this card which is my favourite, I hope you like it too.
There are many religions and I hope you learn about them all as you grow. The main thing, I think, is to be kind to yourself and those around you.
Sending love and positive thoughts into the universe for you.
Nails x

@RonCarlos

Before agreeing I would check whether you are eligible. The point of a godparent being Catholic in the Catholic church is that they will help/guide the bringing up of someone in the Catholic faith. Which is not really discriminatory; the rule just serves its own purpose.

I agree with this.

I am concerned that this is happening all at the last minute.

The role in being a good Christian witness remains central in baptism. Godparents should be a role model and continue to practice the Catholic faith with a lot of commitment.

The whole point of a Godparent is that they help the spiritual development of the child which apparently you won't be able to do.

I think that anyone who would split hairs over religious beliefs / godparent role in these circumstances is seriously lacking in compassion

I agree. The Catholic church might not though. So it is worth checking they are not going to require a Catholic godparent before worrying about whether to say Yes. Which I personally would.

I'd do it if I were you OP. While a child being permanently removed from birth parents does not happen lightly I can't imagine it will be easy for your friend & this will give her some comfort albeit there will be no further requirements for you to carry out typical godparent duties.

As to the do you have to be catholic question - I'm Church of Scotland Protestant & godmother to 4 catholic children, their godfather is catholic, the only requirement was that one godparent be catholic but he is no more a godparent than I am. In the event of the parents untimely death it will be me who becomes guardian of the children because I've been friends with their mother forever & she knows I'll raise them as she & her husband wish - not because I'm their godmother.

I'm the godparent for my best friend's son - we went to Catholic school together and I'm technically Catholic but 100% an atheist. My friend knew this but she still wanted me there for support and I guess to mark a solid presence in her son's life.
I think as long as your friend is okay with your beliefs and knows you're doing it more to support her, then it would be a decent thing to do for her during such a heartbreaking and difficult time. It may also be nice for the child to have some pictures of the Christening stored for them, then if they make contact in the future, they'll know their birth family had celebrations with and for them. It sounds important to your friend and like she really needs it.

I was brought up catholic.
When my first child was born I spoke to the priest. I told him I didn't practice and no longer believed but I knew what mum wanted and 'the ball is in your court'.
He told me that

1. the baptism was like a passport and my child may want to use it sometime in the future and
2. I daren't say no to your mum either.

Godparents were my sister - still nominally catholic, and her husband who was/is Jewish and never ever saw him again from that day forward as it wasn't much later that they split up.

Neither of my kids (now in their 40s) have any interest in either religion or knowing who their god ps are.

Growing up I knew my own gp as a friend of my Mums. She has never ever had anything to do with me other than as a friend of Mums