To be reluctant to be a Godparent to a child about to be adopted

[LoveMyPiano]

I have previously posted about the situation with my neighbour/friend (younger than my own daughter), who - after a lengthy process - is about to lose her daughter, after the baby has spent nearly 7 months in Foster Care (starting after her birth). Earlier this month, a Final Order was made by the Court and she will be placed with an adoptive family, in the next month or so I think.

A concession (amongst others that have been made) is that she can be Christened (not sure how that will work wrt to her name after adoption), and, at the last minute (...) I have been asked to be Godmother.

In view of the adoption proceess, I am not really sure of how my being Gp would work, or have any relevance whatsoever in her future life. I AM prepared to do it for my "friend", as I feel so very very sad for her, and she does need all the support she can get.

But I am not sure of the wisom of it, and how that is affeced also by her being Roman Catholic (and I am pretty much agnostic, Methodiist at a push and Buddhist by preference.... not that ANY of that will come into it); I would hate to just pay lip service to it - but really do wish that I had not been asked.

(My daughter's Godparents have been 100% hands off, I am sorry to say.)

I would welcome any thoughts, suggestions, opinions....
(Oh yes, it so last minute that the Christening [Baptism?] is on Sunday...) Help?

Thank you for supportive remarks, I am so grateful.

The pictures are what I did regarding gifts for her - I did not have enough time to research poperly for poetry, and needed a Waterstones or similar, and there was not enough time. I did get the books from a small independent shop (especially for children) though, and she recommended them both as nice Christening gifts, to keep "forever". The necklace came from a small jeweller's in my nearest small market town, and of course, the symbol should speak for itself (although I have probably made another religious mis-step).

I hope she will like them when she has an awareness, but all of this is just a layer of sadness over everything.

Beautiful gifts, all well chosen. I'm not surprised you feel like that after the rollercoaster but I hope in time the feelings of hope for the baby's future remain.

Your letter is beautiful. X

Lovely gifts. You did really well.

@LoveMyPiano

It is done now - as strange and happy and sad as it was. Even with my doubts and reervations, it felt best to go ahead, and I was happy to support in the small way that I did. The Priest was lovely, and I had the job of bring the Light from a candle at the back of the Church to light a Baptismal Candle that will go with baby. (Another unlit one will stay with mother.) No-one asked this heathen about beliefs, thank goodness. But I have learnt such a lot from the responses on here, and am grateful - and ashamed of my own ignorance.

The carefully chosen gifts wre not opened as they went off with the Foster Carer, which made me a bit sad. I will attach a photo to another post. I also wrote this letter;

"I am writing this letter on the day of your Christening, 30th January 2022.

It is a very important day, even though you are unlikely to remember it.

You are very much loved by your parents, and everyone who is here today will hold you dear in their hearts.

I am very sorry that I will not see you when you take the next steps in your life, as much I would hope to - but I feel sure that you will embark on a path into a lovely life, and that you will know how much you were loved right from the start, and that this love will stay with you forever, like gentle and warm hug to remind you that you are a very special girl.

It is an honour to be a part of this day, and I shall treasure the memory - keeping you always close to my heart.

With love always."

What a lovely message OP. You did a good thing.

@SandysMam

I will probably be flamed for being judgemental but a baby being removed from it’s mother does not happen lightly. Even if she was mentally/physically unwell they would likely try to keep the link for hope of recovery. Adoption is usually very final for mother’s failure to safeguard child and I would struggle to be friends with someone who was in this situation (unless massive non fault backstory). Would need further information as to why the child is being taken away before being able to advise but understand that could be outing so you might not be able to provide!

@SandysMam

I assume you don't work with people whose children are removed from their care

Please know that the majority of them have had horrendous experiences in their own life resulting in trauma which adversely affects their parenting capacity. They're not bad people. They do the best they can with the cards they were dealt

@LoveMyPiano

I think you've hit exactly the right note with your letter and your gifts. I'm sure the mother feels comforted and that if the child receives your letter & gifts she will know that she was cared about.

It's very different from when I was adopted decades ago. Keepsakes and letters just weren't a 'thing' back then. Adoption was a door that was slammed shut and locked between the bio parent and the child. I was very lucky in that my mother met my bio mother a couple of times during the process and so was able to 'get my story' and ask the questions she thought I'd want answers to as I grew older.

My God, that's made me cry. How beautiful and perfect.

Oh. Lots of tears here. Well done. You've really done the best anyone possibly could.

OP I'm an adopter. I was turned down for a child because the birth mum wanted him to be brought up Roman Catholic (I am not).
Birth parents - and children baptized into a religion - do have some say (requests) about their future adoption. Do tell birth mum she can ask for a Roman Catholic family if she wants that for her child.

You did a nice thing for your friend. All the special items should stay with the little one as she goes from foster carer to adoption placement, and will one day hopefully know how loved she was.
As an adopter it's something my kiddies would have cherished.

I hope you and your friend can find peace.

[quote AcrossthePond55]@LoveMyPiano

I think you've hit exactly the right note with your letter and your gifts. I'm sure the mother feels comforted and that if the child receives your letter & gifts she will know that she was cared about.

It's very different from when I was adopted decades ago. Keepsakes and letters just weren't a 'thing' back then. Adoption was a door that was slammed shut and locked between the bio parent and the child. I was very lucky in that my mother met my bio mother a couple of times during the process and so was able to 'get my story' and ask the questions she thought I'd want answers to as I grew older.[/quote]
Thank you. I do hope that will be the case, I really do....

Adoption sems to have changed very much, dont you think? And as I understand it, there are different types/?levels, and a "door slammed shut" is nowadays closed more gently, and sometimes left open a little....
It is so good that your birth mother could pass on information about you, and good that you came to know that. I am sure that you have an interesting story x

(I was - unfortunately - not adopted, and had some sort of ties still to my birth family [in the end, not a good thing] - I had only one toy when I was removed at about 2.5 years - a doll called Jane. No-one would ever tell me anything else.)

@Dithercats

OP I'm an adopter. I was turned down for a child because the birth mum wanted him to be brought up Roman Catholic (I am not). Birth parents - and children baptized into a religion - do have some say (requests) about their future adoption. Do tell birth mum she can ask for a Roman Catholic family if she wants that for her child.

You did a nice thing for your friend. All the special items should stay with the little one as she goes from foster carer to adoption placement, and will one day hopefully know how loved she was.
As an adopter it's something my kiddies would have cherished.

I hope you and your friend can find peace.

Thank you - and such a shame, as adoption must be just as harrowing in a different way for potential adoptive parents, I hope all is OK for you now.... I am still so conflicted about the day, and my part - but know that I could not have done anything other than try to be supportive in these circumstances, even though of course, and as pointed out earlier, a case of adoption like this does not happen lightly. So he instruction I have received through replies and the benefits of others' experiences has been so so valuable to me, as I would have talked myself into and out of it a thousand times over.

It was not about me at all, but I did and do have strong feelings and thoughts about it, that will definitely linger.

OP i cried at your beautiful letter to the baby. I think you have been a wonderful friend and Godparent, and have done the right thing.

@SirVixofVixHall

OP i cried at your beautiful letter to the baby. I think you have been a wonderful friend and Godparent, and have done the right thing.

Aw, thank you x

(I was - unfortunately - not adopted, and had some sort of ties still to my birth family [in the end, not a good thing] - I had only one toy when I was removed at about 2.5 years - a doll called Jane. No-one would ever tell me anything else.)

@LoveMyPiano, this along with your perfect letter of love have brought a tear to my eye.

You did absolutely the right thing, with so much grace and kindness.

Wishing you every good thing in life, and the young mum and her baby too, along with the new parents.

Well done, OP. Any decent deity would bless you for your kindness here.

I was adopted as a baby myself. I was born in the early 60s and adoptions were very different then - my birth mother was unmarried and adoption was what usually happened in those days.) In a drawer in my bedroom is a faded and battered little fluffy duck, which my (adoptive) mum gave to me some years ago, having rediscovered it in the attic or something, saying 'This came along with you, you should keep it.' Apparently, when my parents went to collect me from the adoption charity, they had been advised to bring a bag as there would be 'some' baby clothes and they were presented with several bags' worth, many of them not just new but handmade.
You did a lovely thing. I wish you, that baby and that poor mum all the best.

I think you did absolutely the right thing and your letter brought tears to my eyes. What a kind heart you have.

wreath21 that's such a beautiful story.

@Wreath21

Well done, OP. Any decent deity would bless you for your kindness here.

I was adopted as a baby myself. I was born in the early 60s and adoptions were very different then - my birth mother was unmarried and adoption was what usually happened in those days.) In a drawer in my bedroom is a faded and battered little fluffy duck, which my (adoptive) mum gave to me some years ago, having rediscovered it in the attic or something, saying 'This came along with you, you should keep it.' Apparently, when my parents went to collect me from the adoption charity, they had been advised to bring a bag as there would be 'some' baby clothes and they were presented with several bags' worth, many of them not just new but handmade.
You did a lovely thing. I wish you, that baby and that poor mum all the best.

So lovely for you to know these bits and pieces from your very early life, especially as I think adoption was far more regimented "back then".

I was told that my brother's adoptive parenst had originally wanted a girl, so he was dressed in pink for a few weeks after going to them as a 6 week-old.

Your sweet story - even with elements of sadness - has lifted my sad heart this morning. Thank you x

@LoveMyPiano

^Adoption sems to have changed very much, dont you think? And as I understand it, there are different types/?levels, and a "door slammed shut" is nowadays closed more gently, and sometimes left open a little....
It is so good that your birth mother could pass on information about you, and good that you came to know that. I am sure that you have an interesting story x^

It has, but not enough where I live in the US (rules are different in the different States). 'Open adoptions permit contact between child and bio parent, but there are still 'closed' adoptions where there is a permanent 'severing' of contact. Adoption records for 'closed' adoptions are still permanently sealed and it takes a 'good reason' and a court order to unseal them. I'm in my 60s, chances are my bio parents are both dead as they were in their 30s when I was born. But I cannot see those records. I've never had a burning need to do so, but I expect if I could have easily accessed them when I was younger, I probably would have.

I can understand it to a point if the child is a minor or say under 30, but I would think that they should have a time limit and an 'agree to release' ability. Meaning that the bio parents and the child both have the ability to 'append' the closed order that they wish to be reunited if the other comes looking. Or that once the adoptee reaches a certain 'responsible' age, the records can be unsealed without having a 'good reason'.

Interestingly enough my parents were told that at age 18 I would be able to access the records. But when I tried I was told that no, the 'contract' for adoption had nothing to do with me it was between my bio mother and my parents. Thus, the need for a court order, to 'break' the contract.

My story is a bit untypical as my mother was not a young unmarried woman nor was I removed by social services. I was the product of an affair. She was in her 30s and married, just not to my father. He was away on 'the County Farm' for a minor drug offense (I assume weed, this was in the 50s) during the period of conception so he would have known he wasn't my father. What I don't know is how 'instrumental' he was in my being given up. Did she decide on her own because it was best for me or did her husband force her into it? That, I'll never know. Although my mom told me that she wept at the hearing when she had to physically hand me over to my parents, so she obviously had some regret.

Yes, as Mr Stephen King says, "Done bun can't be undone...", and once you have the knowledge, a state of blissful ignorance can never be achieved again. It is a good thing that you had little desire to look into your very early history and had a good life - or, I "assume" so, as it is more likely those who are unsettled, or seeking something look to the past for answers, or maybe something more...

Either way, it is still a technical and emotional minefield, I would think, and I am not to sure that even being given the "choice" is always a good thing.
My brother was adopted "straight out the incubator" is the way I was told, as he was incerdibly tiny when he was born. I think my mother made the decision alone, as my father had already left her (us?). I think he had little to no say in the adoption decision, and in fact denied parentage for - well, ever.... I wonder if your mother had to make the decision alone, and yet had pressure from all angles - being the era that it was...?
It would b nice to think that mothers and fathers who give their children up for adoption are doing so in the hope of better life for their child, but am sure that it is not always so altruistic.
I, as I have said, remained in sporadic and unpleasant (forced, when he feltlike it...) contact with my father, and didn't see my mother for many years - all of which has left me with a skewed view of family - and my parents WERE very young, so are still alive and kicking, although thousands of miles apart, and I am in touch with neither of them. I do find myself wishing that I HAD been adopted, rather than kept around as some kind of (metaphorcal) punchbag.

The little gil (my now God-daughter) who will soon be on her way to a new family will, apparently, be given the chance to at some point, seek out her parents, so who knows how that will play out in years to come.

Thank you for sharing your story with me - I am so pleased that everything did turn out well for you, and hope as well that your birth mother recovered from the loss of you x

Beautiful, OP. You are a good person.

@JeffThePilot

Beautiful, OP. You are a good person.

Thank you....