To be reluctant to be a Godparent to a child about to be adopted

[LoveMyPiano]

I have previously posted about the situation with my neighbour/friend (younger than my own daughter), who - after a lengthy process - is about to lose her daughter, after the baby has spent nearly 7 months in Foster Care (starting after her birth). Earlier this month, a Final Order was made by the Court and she will be placed with an adoptive family, in the next month or so I think.

A concession (amongst others that have been made) is that she can be Christened (not sure how that will work wrt to her name after adoption), and, at the last minute (...) I have been asked to be Godmother.

In view of the adoption proceess, I am not really sure of how my being Gp would work, or have any relevance whatsoever in her future life. I AM prepared to do it for my "friend", as I feel so very very sad for her, and she does need all the support she can get.

But I am not sure of the wisom of it, and how that is affeced also by her being Roman Catholic (and I am pretty much agnostic, Methodiist at a push and Buddhist by preference.... not that ANY of that will come into it); I would hate to just pay lip service to it - but really do wish that I had not been asked.

(My daughter's Godparents have been 100% hands off, I am sorry to say.)

I would welcome any thoughts, suggestions, opinions....
(Oh yes, it so last minute that the Christening [Baptism?] is on Sunday...) Help?

@Jellybearlovescake

I adopted my child, she was baptised into a different religion from ours just before she moved in with us. I feel uncomfortable about it as think she will feel conflicted when she is older. It feels like it was for the benefit of the birth family not her and lip service to the religion as social workers knew she wouldn't be growing up following it.

That’s exactly what I’d have thought.

@AddingMustard

Is she hoping it means that you will be allowed regular contact with the child?

I don't think so..... The only contact will be "Letterbox" once per year and I am sure there is no circumventing that.

@2holibobssofar

If she’s catholic, the god parent would be required to be catholic, as you are assuming the role of ensuring and supporting her spiritual education. Also, usually, taking her in should her parents die. Which you won’t be able to do if she’s being adopted, so maybe the priest is letting this slide if he knows she’s being adopted.

This is a pile of rubbish.

I'm Catholic and I'm godmother to an Anglican protestants child. It didn't seem to be a problem, although I don't know about the other way around.

I think that although purely symbolic, it sounds as though this iis very important to your friend. It might well be her way of showing her baby how much she cares for her as her adoptive parents may well tell the baby that she is christened in the future.

Catholic churches must differ in their requirements, as I'm not Catholic (not even Christian) and the priest was fine with me being godparent.

A god parent being a legal guardian is nonsense. I'm godmother for my friends son.. my friend died when he was young and the boys grandmother became his legal guardian

I wouldn't do this as I don't think it is in the best interests of the child long term. I also think there should be no contact, which sounds mean to the birth parent, but I feel the child's wellbeing is better served if the adopted family becomes their complete and only family. It's only a personal opinion of course, but I was adopted myself and I feel that nowadays the best thing for the child is not as central to the process as it perhaps should be. I would still make an effort to be available and support my friend of course, but not in this way.

Hm - yes, some food for thought. I DO wish she had not put me in the position to be honest - BUT, in it's simplest form, it is a way to be of some support - but I do question the "wisdom" when I consider the religious aspect of it (Methodist upbringing, but not really faithful to it as as soon as I could escape) and that it might be an issue for baby herself in future years - both positively and negatively, although MY small part is hardly the be-all and end-all, I know that.

I do think that everything is trumped by the fact she will be adopted soon, and yet this is what presents the quandry, for me at least.
I have been trying to extricate myself from this since 2020, and have obviously failed. I do want to treat it with the seriousness it warrants, hence looking for some thoughts from you all.

(My own borther was adopted "out" of our "family", and his name was very much changed. No-one even told me about him for nearly 30 years.... But maybe things are different these days.)

I will not be outed from this...... No-one connected goes on Mumsnet.

being a godparent does not give you any rights or responsibilities in relation to the child. Certainly you wouldn't be responsible for the child in the event of the patents dying.
As a lapsed Catholic, I would do it for your friend. It is really just a ceremonial gesture

I would do it just to be supportive to your friend.

(My own borther was adopted "out" of our "family", and his name was very much changed. No-one even told me about him for nearly 30 years.... But maybe things are different these days.)

Op, although it used to be the case, a baby's name is not allowed to be changed once adopted. I have a friend who has adopted a baby 4 years ago and she couldn't change her birth name. The baby had been in Foster care from birth.

Just dug out the card I got given when I became aGodparent 25 years ago (C of E).

Responsibilities include

1. praying regularly for her
2. set an example if Christian living
3. help her to grow in faith of God

It’s a lifetime commitment.

I guess you can still do 1) but can’t really do the other two if you are not in her life.

I guess your friend wants an occasion to remember her daughter by.

I'd do it for the mother's sake - it's clearly important to her. It's not like you're going to be asked to turn up to every birthday party.

It's also good for the baby to know someone in the birth family cared enough to do this for them. In future, I suppose there's a small chance the child will reappear and want to speak to you - if something were to happen to her in the next 20-30 years you might be the only traceable person who knew and had contact with her at this time. But it's not a big commitment.

Honestly? In this instance I would suck it up and do it.

I once a lost a friend who, despite knowing my firm atheist stance, asked me to be GP and got massively offended when I (very kindly) said I couldnt. I explained that I couldnt stand in front of people with a very strong faith and lie that I would support the child in growing up in that faith (I didnt mention the fact that ex-friend had no faith either!). I have respect for the faithful even if I dont agree with them and she has always known this. But she got the MASSIVE hump, took it totally personally and cut me off. I was happy with that decision and would do the same again if asked.

However.....this is not the same situation at all. Even if you did have faith then it would be of no consequence as the promises made in baptism could not be carried through for more than a month. So you wouldnt be lying, you can promise to support the child in its spiritual journey as long as you are able, its just sad that you wont be able to for very long.

I say just do it, if you are allowed to by the Church. You do have to promise that the child will be brought up Catholic if they should fall to your care (not likely), so if you can make that (pretty much moot) promise with good conscience, I don't see a problem.

I'm an adopted child, and I'd be glad if such a gesture brought comfort to my bio mother, regardless of why and/or how she gave me up. It's not for me to judge her whys and wherefores. Only to be grateful that she 'gave' me such loving 'real' parents and the wonderful life I've had.

I’d do it for the mother

Och, I think just do it, give the young mother something, perhaps for her it is more a symbolic gesture that she has friends (deep down). I don’t think it’s a meaningful thing in law (though will admit to being clueless as atheist) but I would imagine this is not religion as a spiritual thing but more of a community/solidarity thing. I don’t think it matters what you believe, just that you believe in her.

Also....I cant see the priest being too bothered about who the GP's are if he knows the situation. Its clear that this is a salve to the mothers soul, nothing more, so the church would probably ignore standard protocols in this case.

@Ionlydomassiveones

You can’t be a God parent if you’re not a Christian so I think even from that point of view it’s disingenuous. The whole point of baptism to introduce a child to the Christian church family and god parents vow to uphold that. It’s a sacrament. As none of you are going to be part of this child’s future life I think the whole thing is misguided and a bit wrong. Poor kid. What a start to life.

Well, this IS what I thought, and part of why I have my concerns. Baby's mother has pushed for this Baptism, as a way to leave some imprint I think - and Social Services/the Court have (probably reluctantly) agreed to her wish. In return though (it seems) they have only given her a few days to arrange the service. I do think that some things can be done as a gesture that the child MAY possibly be made aware of at some point (they are creating a memory book for example - bearing in mind that this has already gone on since June last year) and if she chooses, but this feels as though it has added complications due to the religious aspect of it - regardless of my involvement.

The father's mother - who is also a friend of mine - is sometimes so thoughtless that someone needs to compensate for the fact that she continually comes out with cruel remarks, under the guise of "being honest" and feeling sorry for her. But I do have to be careful that Idon't OVER-compensate. Fo example, she has said that [baby's mother] must not get upset the last day, so that baby doesn't remember, and so that her son (the father) doesn't have to deal with her. Honestly, I could cry.

I'm not sure your religious views matter that much to the narrow context of choosing to be god parent. We went through it all just because it was expected in our families and important to our parents. We made that quite clear to the godparents. Was just a nice day with a buffet and a cake. That's how I would view this, something for her to remember and feel she has done for her child.

I would absolutely do this. It's an act of compassion for the mother and may mean a great deal to her. It may also bring some comfort to the little girl in years to come if she looks into her past, to know that her mum cared about her and that there were other, supportive people around her.

Way back before Social Services the godparents WERE supposed to take in the child if the parents died. It was so serious that your godchild could not marry your own child - they were siblings in the eyes of the Church, even tho' actually unrelated.

I would do it. Your friend maybe wants her child to know she cared enough to do this for her. It doesn't matter if the child is brought up in another church, or none.