To be reluctant to be a Godparent to a child about to be adopted

[LoveMyPiano]

I have previously posted about the situation with my neighbour/friend (younger than my own daughter), who - after a lengthy process - is about to lose her daughter, after the baby has spent nearly 7 months in Foster Care (starting after her birth). Earlier this month, a Final Order was made by the Court and she will be placed with an adoptive family, in the next month or so I think.

A concession (amongst others that have been made) is that she can be Christened (not sure how that will work wrt to her name after adoption), and, at the last minute (...) I have been asked to be Godmother.

In view of the adoption proceess, I am not really sure of how my being Gp would work, or have any relevance whatsoever in her future life. I AM prepared to do it for my "friend", as I feel so very very sad for her, and she does need all the support she can get.

But I am not sure of the wisom of it, and how that is affeced also by her being Roman Catholic (and I am pretty much agnostic, Methodiist at a push and Buddhist by preference.... not that ANY of that will come into it); I would hate to just pay lip service to it - but really do wish that I had not been asked.

(My daughter's Godparents have been 100% hands off, I am sorry to say.)

I would welcome any thoughts, suggestions, opinions....
(Oh yes, it so last minute that the Christening [Baptism?] is on Sunday...) Help?

@IAmMyOwnWorstEnemy it's based on individual case. You are encouraged to keep the name but once adoption has legally gone through the child's name can be changed by the legal parents and absolitely nothing can be done about it. I speak as an adopter.

I would do it if you can. If you think it will mean a lot to your friend. You sound like such a lovely person and how can it be wrong to have you connected to the child, however tenuously, in your friend’s mind.

If the adoptive family has a problem with it - they may not - they should remember that many adopted children feel a great tie to their birth family no matter how much the new family might wish otherwise. I’m sorry to hear that your siblings were denied the chance to contact you OP. Their loss, sadly.

I thought you had to be Christened and confirmed to be a godparent. Certainly we’ve refused requests because we’re not believers. So I think you’d be wrong to say ‘yes’.

@Zippy1510

Take “religion” out of it and stick to the actual facts. Are you willing to look after and take responsibility for this child?

That’s not the godparent’s role.

It is also offically the line of the catholic church that priests must be celibate and unmarried, didnt stop them bending the rules when a large number of married c of e vicars wanted to defect to them over women becoming vicars. So they can and do bend the rules when it suits.

In this case I suspect a sympathetic priest has decided that the need of the mother to have this ceremony is more important from a spiritual pov than the religious beliefs of any godparents......has common sense in other words.

@PatriotCanes

If it is a Catholic baptism, only confirmed Catholics can be godparents. Other people can be listed as "Christian witnesses" underneath, but there needs to be at least one confirmed Catholic. Not that any priest asked to see a confirmation certificate but they are usually quite strict.

This isn't true.

If it is a Catholic baptism, only confirmed Catholics can be godparents. Other people can be listed as "Christian witnesses" underneath, but there needs to be at least one confirmed Catholic. Not that any priest asked to see a confirmation certificate but they are usually quite strict

Nope. Depends on the priest though. My priest cousin has the pov that getting people through church doors is the important bit, and has no issue with anybody, as long as they take what they are promising seriously.

My own priest specifies godparents must have “a religion”, and at least one must be catholic, but the rest can be muslim, buddhist, anglican, pagan, whatever.

Non of my childrens godparents are confirmed catholics. Two were christened catholic, two not.

I desperately wanted to christen my daughter. I wanted to give her Godparents who would cherish her, love her and mean something to her as she grew up.
Well it wasn’t to be because guess what some random person who means absolutely nothing to her and who she doesn’t even know got there first.
Don’t do it op.

@SandysMam

I will probably be flamed for being judgemental but a baby being removed from it’s mother does not happen lightly. Even if she was mentally/physically unwell they would likely try to keep the link for hope of recovery. Adoption is usually very final for mother’s failure to safeguard child and I would struggle to be friends with someone who was in this situation (unless massive non fault backstory). Would need further information as to why the child is being taken away before being able to advise but understand that could be outing so you might not be able to provide!

then you’re bloody lucky to have led a life that hasn’t led to these circumstances

I’m practicing RC and normally feel quite strongly anti people who ask/take on godparenting roles without any intention of supporting the child’s faith development. But in this case, given that I take from the OP that you don’t think the birth mother is vile, I think you should do it. As others suggest, I’d just think of it as a goodbye ceremony that you have been asked to take a central role in.

When I split up with my X he told anyone that would listen I was mad.
His Mother was a modern matron at the local hospital. A SW came and took my son away.

I was utterly destroyed. I walked around holding a cushion as I was utterly shell-shocked. It took far too long to get him back. SW let his Mum take my son to Cornwall. SW didn't think she'd bring him back.
I too wondered. Realised her husband had too much too lose by kidnapping.

On the day she was meant to bring him back she seemed to lose it. She didn't bring him back when she should of. I had to ring the emergency sw and the police and put a report in.

She rang after I'd contacted (I guess they'd both been in touch re kidnapping) "Do you want him back? Me: Yes and now please. I said we'd either come to hers or she had 15 mins to bring him back.
She came with him, crying. My Ex (total plank) told me she cried every day for months after.

She continued calling Social. After the 80th call, they told her if she didn't stop then they would press charges. They rang me and told me.

It was like having your soul torn from your still living body. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Imagine a living death. You miss your baby and can't cuddle them.

Please OP she's going through hell. I got him back. It took a lot of time and work. My solicitor was fantastic. She told me what to do and what not. She told me to get married & apply for residency(think it's new name now).

I've a lovely hubby and more kids. But the fear of ss is real

@AddingMustard

Is she hoping it means that you will be allowed regular contact with the child?

That would be my worry; that she hopes or intends to use you as a go between contact post-adoption.

If the adopters want their daughter baptised they will surely want to choose the godparents themselves? You're a stranger to them. If they wanted you as her godmother, they'd surely have asked to meet you.

I'm astonished a priest has agreed to this. Or the child's social worker.

PS give her a massive hug from me. Lord knows she needs it x

@Zippy1510

Take “religion” out of it and stick to the actual facts. Are you willing to look after and take responsibility for this child?

I do believe that SS want the baby away from her parents, and alsoconnected people who may then have the mother playing a part in her life, when the whole point is that the baby may come to harm if she stays with one or both of her parents, I am sorry to say. Which is also why the extended family (such as it is) backed off fromttaking baby on. And me too, I am ashamed to say.

I suppose it is "easier" for me to be a Gp if I am unlikely to ever be called on in that sense, and since she is to be adopted, there is probably zero chance of that happening.

It is the murky water between "simply" supporting her mother, and committing myself to the child if required, although I may be ruled out due to my own beliefs anyway. Thinking about it, that is a wee but disciminatory of the RC Church..... Because it would be (heathen) me or no Gp at all.

At no point did I say it was a legal thing, but taking the children after the parents die (which would be written in the parent’s will and obviously thoroughly vetted by authorities before any legal decisions were made) is the intended purpose of being a godparent at a catholic baptism (alongside the removal of original sin from the child’s soul) but most people aren’t deeply religious and don’t understand this, hence all the comments saying it’s rubbish.

She still has parental rights until the court removes them. It isn't set in stone that the child will be removed. (Yes, it's not looking good).

Why on Earth would a priest not perform a baptism? Baptism is a sacrament - to welcome a child into the Church & to free from original sin. The Catholic Church believes that baptism is required to give eternal life.

I'm assuming the SW wants to give the birth mother some happy memories and she's still entitled to raise her child in her Catholic faith.

Just a thought, but many years ago my DH and I were asked to be godparents to a child. We couldn't even agree what to do about our own DC vis a vis christening, so it was a bit difficult, but we stepped up and rather than gift a "dust gatherer" present, we set up a small policy with a friendly society (google them) and paid in the minimum a month. That was so that, whatever happened, we could always pay it. At the time it was £3 a month, it will be a little more now but not tons. We also did it for our own DC.

It turned out to do very well, and as luck would have it was a very timely little lump sum for our GC. Far better than a dust gatherer present.

Just a thought if that would help. Sounds like the poor child could do with a tiny leg up along the way?

@2holibobssofar

At no point did I say it was a legal thing, but taking the children after the parents die (which would be written in the parent’s will and obviously thoroughly vetted by authorities before any legal decisions were made) is the intended purpose of being a godparent at a catholic baptism (alongside the removal of original sin from the child’s soul) but most people aren’t deeply religious and don’t understand this, hence all the comments saying it’s rubbish.

She couldn't take an adopted child. The birth mother's rights would have been terminated at the court.

@Coronawireless

I would do it if you can. If you think it will mean a lot to your friend. You sound like such a lovely person and how can it be wrong to have you connected to the child, however tenuously, in your friend’s mind.

If the adoptive family has a problem with it - they may not - they should remember that many adopted children feel a great tie to their birth family no matter how much the new family might wish otherwise. I’m sorry to hear that your siblings were denied the chance to contact you OP. Their loss, sadly.

Oh, that is so lovely. Thank you. Even though I am trying not to let it, this situation IS affecting me a little, whilst at the same time, I need to disregard my own feelings and think of the other people who are far more affected by this process. I am not sure if SS are just placating her - and it would certainly have been better to suggest something less religious. But I do believe she wants to make something of a permanent mark, and is not really considering how adoptive parents may deal with it, or baby herself. Which is understandable, I suppose.

What does the priest who is conducting the baptism say OP, because a great deal will hinge on that. He will presumably have asked about the status of the godparents around religion. I have know priests who would probably be prepared to go ahead with a non RC godparent in these circumstances and also those who wouldn't.

As all this is happening on Sunday, you don't have much time to find out.

I would definitely do this OP. It will mean a huge amount to your friend who is going through an unimaginably awful time. She will probably remember that ceremony and the people who supported her and her daughter on that day forever. It will potentially also mean a huge amount to that child in the future - to know that this was an important thing her birth family organised for her, and that people cared enough to stand alongside her birth mother as godparents. I don’t know much about how adoption works, but can you give an appropriate gift that the child can keep for the future as a memento of this special event?

Turning this down is likely to be experienced as yet more rejection by your poor friend. What will be required from you on the day will be very little I would expect? Don’t overthink this.

You won't be allowed any ongoing contact with this child after she's adopted. Letterbox is for close birth family only at the discretion of the child's adoptive parents, not next door neighbours (even if they're god parents).
You might be allowed to write her a letter that her parents can choose to show her if they feel it's appropriate at some stage in her life (you could explain your relationship to her, say you'll always keep her in your thoughts, remember her and wish her well).
I think you need to decide what to do based on what's best for the child in the long run. As one adopter has said on this thread, having their dc christened into a different faith may cause the child to be uncomfortable, question their identity etc. On the other hand perhaps it could help the child to know there are people in their young life who cared about them.

@PatriotCanes

If it is a Catholic baptism, only confirmed Catholics can be godparents. Other people can be listed as "Christian witnesses" underneath, but there needs to be at least one confirmed Catholic. Not that any priest asked to see a confirmation certificate but they are usually quite strict.

My dc were baptised the rule was one of the godparents had to be catholic.

I think you’re overthinking it. The term ‘god parent’ is fairly meaningless, as has been proved by the fact your own DD’s godparents gave no input into her life. For most people a christening is just a nice ceremony that lets the parents celebrate the birth of their child with others and god parents are just a way to mark out a couple of special friends/ relatives. The baby won’t remember the christening and clearly if she’s being adopted she won’t maintain any relationship with you but being ‘god mother’ is a nice way of helping your friend make some memories and showing your support. Seeing as the child will then be adopted

I think you need to decide what to do based on what's best for the child in the long run

I don't think OP wouid necessarily have the information or experience to make that call. Social Services have said it can go ahead.