Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 14 15

Original poster

To be reluctant to be a Godparent to a child about to be adopted

373 replies

LoveMyPiano · 28/01/2022 18:32

I have previously posted about the situation with my neighbour/friend (younger than my own daughter), who - after a lengthy process - is about to lose her daughter, after the baby has spent nearly 7 months in Foster Care (starting after her birth). Earlier this month, a Final Order was made by the Court and she will be placed with an adoptive family, in the next month or so I think.

A concession (amongst others that have been made) is that she can be Christened (not sure how that will work wrt to her name after adoption), and, at the last minute (...) I have been asked to be Godmother.

In view of the adoption proceess, I am not really sure of how my being Gp would work, or have any relevance whatsoever in her future life. I AM prepared to do it for my "friend", as I feel so very very sad for her, and she does need all the support she can get.

But I am not sure of the wisom of it, and how that is affeced also by her being Roman Catholic (and I am pretty much agnostic, Methodiist at a push and Buddhist by preference.... not that ANY of that will come into it); I would hate to just pay lip service to it - but really do wish that I had not been asked.

(My daughter's Godparents have been 100% hands off, I am sorry to say.)

I would welcome any thoughts, suggestions, opinions....
(Oh yes, it so last minute that the Christening [Baptism?] is on Sunday...) Help?

OP posts:

Original poster

LoveMyPiano · 28/01/2022 19:36

[quote mathanxiety]@LoveMyPiano, the post about becoming a guardian to the baby is completely inaccurate. You would not be taking on this responsibility.

I would go ahead and become a godparent. It's likely the christening is seen by the mother as the only thing she can do for her baby now, a last gift she can give the little one.

She is probably completely aware that the baby may not be adopted by a RC family, but still wants RC baptism as a link to her. Some birth mothers give their babies a name that has a special meaning to them, some give the gift of baptism.[/quote]
Yes, I didn't think that, even adoption aside, I may end up as a guardian to her; especially as I imagine SS will have some kind of watch over her.

As I mentioned, my own daughter has had little connection with one set of Godparents; I hope I would be better - but there is no chance of that, given the overriding issue - her adoption.

I don't know about praying for her, but I will think about her. I would have liked to have someone like me as a Godmother, if they were able to be a part of my life.

OP posts:

roastingmichael · 28/01/2022 19:36

@LoveMyPiano I would do it tbh. I think it would be a lovely thing to do for this mum and will mean a lot to her.

I totally understand your worries about this but as someone who really isn't religious, I don't see the harm.

Kshhuxnxk · 28/01/2022 19:36

I would be god parent if I was staying in touch with the parents, if not, I wouldn't. Re the name change, once the adoption is complete fore and surname can be, and likely are, particularly the surname.

WonderfulYou · 28/01/2022 19:37

I would not be doing this and I would encourage this friend that she shouldn’t get the child Christened either.

she’s obviously doing it for what’s in her best interests and not her child’s.
Either she’s hoping it will allow her some form of communication or she’s just trying to be controlling.

It reminds me of the story when a child was being brought up by Muslim foster parents and the birth mum had an issue with it as she was ‘Christian’ - the DM and others had a field day over it saying how terrible it was yet failed to mention the mum abused and neglected the child - not very Christian of her.

Bouncebacker · 28/01/2022 19:37

I would do it, you are part of the mother’s support team clearly and this is a way that you can show that you care about her and the child. It’s such a horrific situation to be in. I also think that should the child, as an adult, want to look into their past, and official document like a christening record could be really important to them, both in terms of factual information, and also as it’s a sign that their birth mother, and her friends, loved her and cared for her and wanted to best for her. I’m really not at all religious - my own children are not christened - but I do think this is an act of kindness

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 28/01/2022 19:37

You don't have to be Catholic to be godparent in a Catholic baptism. And I'd do it. It's a kindness.

EdithWeston · 28/01/2022 19:39

I would do it.

If it was such a bad idea the social workers should have vetoed it

And although it's possible it'll be a hardline priest who will accept only confirmed RC (removes your dilemma) it might also be one who will accept anyone baptised.

And in terms of what you do as godparent, well I'd stick that into the 'God moves in mysterious ways' category. And then remember her, prayerfully or meditatively or mindfully

janj2301 · 28/01/2022 19:39

Re name when my daughter adopted she was told she could not change his first name (though they could change to the common spelling)

Jimjamjong · 28/01/2022 19:40

It's a nice thing to do and I don't think your religion matters at all. It will probably be a memory to cherish for the mother who won't be seeing her baby anymore.
If the child learns about it later on, I think it will only shows them that their mother cared about them.

ancientgran · 28/01/2022 19:41

Baptism is something that a Catholic is brought up to believe is very important, well if they are brought up in the faith. It is the first sacrament. I don't see why it would be a problem, if you don't believe then it is just a man pouring water on you and saying some words but for the mother it is her child becoming part of the church.

It sounds very sad, I know a woman with serious mental health problems who had a child, I think it made her mental health worse and she has never got over it. If a Baptism would give the mother some comfort and you are someone important to her I think it would be a kind thing to do.

oakleaffy · 28/01/2022 19:42

@NotsoNeurotypical

What a sad situation. Why is her baby being adopted?

Possibly because she is with a violent man, or really serious substance abuse issues- These are the only instances of babies being removed so young that I’ve heard of. Incredibly sad for all concerned.

Cryalot2 · 28/01/2022 19:43

Sad situation , your poor friend.
I would do it out of kindness and support for your friend.

You could write a letter to your GD to be given to her at some point .

Original poster

LoveMyPiano · 28/01/2022 19:43

@AnGofsMum

Being a Christian is about your own beliefs and observance. You are not ‘a Methodist’ because your parents were, or because you were brought up that way. Baptism is a holy sacrament in which parents and godparents make pledges about the life they will provide for the child. I am very surprised that any church would consider this under the circumstances. As a Christian, I would not do this, although I would pledge to pray for the child and would try to support the friend. Churches can provide a service of blessing which would be much more appropriate here.

OK. So, at this point in time, I "observe" no religion of any kind. And my Methodist upbringing is all I have to go on. I narrowly escaped being taken on by LDS extended family, hence my agnosticism, scepticism and general lack of a firm path to follow.

I don't suppose that a Service of Blessing was considered - baby's mum is adamant about the RC Baptism (and knowing her the way I do, don't actually think that a deep religious belief has much to do with it) - but it probably would have been the perfect option.

OP posts:

SquirrelG · 28/01/2022 19:45

I also would do it to support my friend. She is going through an awful time, and if this brings some form of comfort to her I would do all I could to help her. Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and do things we are not comfortable with, and you are not being asked to do anything onerous. I'm sure it would mean a lot to your friend.

Bear65 · 28/01/2022 19:45

What an emotional and complex decision to make: trying to balance your personal spiritual beliefs, the emotional and very present need for comfort from a fragile mother, and the potential feelings of belonging and sense of love for an adult in the future looking back at their early, pre adopted life.

Whilst Christening are, of course, spiritual affairs, they are also a celebration of life and recognition that the child - or adult - have a community who want them to live a happy and full life.

If you didn't feel able to commit to be a godparents, could you offer to share a reading - perhaps something that has meaning to you, or could offer comfort to their mother?

ancientgran · 28/01/2022 19:46

@WonderfulYou

I would not be doing this and I would encourage this friend that she shouldn’t get the child Christened either.

she’s obviously doing it for what’s in her best interests and not her child’s.
Either she’s hoping it will allow her some form of communication or she’s just trying to be controlling.

The Catholic church believes that Baptism cleanses the soul of original sin, if the mother does believe then I think she can very definitely be doing it for the baby.

drpet49 · 28/01/2022 19:46

If it is a Catholic baptism, only confirmed Catholics can be godparents.

^Rubbish. My friend was a Godparent for my DS, was not Catholic and the priest was full aware.

Cindie943811A · 28/01/2022 19:47

The requirement for a godparent in the Roman Catholic Church is
Must be over 16 years, a Catholic who has received Holy Communion and been Confirmed, not under any church penalty or sanction and not the biological parent.
So OP you are disqualified from being a godparent to the child.
In my experience the officiating priest will need to know that the proposed godparents are eligible.

Gonnagetgoing · 28/01/2022 19:48

My DB is godfather to his best friend’s youngest daughter both of whom are Catholic. DB is Christian but non practicing, not an issue.

I’m not sure I’d be a godmother if I didn’t have a relationship with the child but I don’t see or know where my godmother is anyway.

WitchWithoutChips · 28/01/2022 19:51

@drpet49

*If it is a Catholic baptism, only confirmed Catholics can be godparents.*

^Rubbish. My friend was a Godparent for my DS, was not Catholic and the priest was full aware.

It's not rubbish. It is the official line of the Catholic Church.

The variation comes with the individual priests, who are variously located along a scale from the dogmatic to the pragmatic.

CherryAndAlmond · 28/01/2022 19:52

@IAmMyOwnWorstEnemy

(My own borther was adopted "out" of our "family", and his name was very much changed. No-one even told me about him for nearly 30 years.... But maybe things are different these days.)

Op, although it used to be the case, a baby's name is not allowed to be changed once adopted. I have a friend who has adopted a baby 4 years ago and she couldn't change her birth name. The baby had been in Foster care from birth.

It's not true that it isn't allowed. Once an adoptive parent is legally the parent, they have exactly the same rights as any other parent. Changing the name is frowned upon, because it is part of the child's history and identity, as pps have said. Doesn't mean it can't be done.

ancientgran · 28/01/2022 19:53

@Cindie943811A

The requirement for a godparent in the Roman Catholic Church is Must be over 16 years, a Catholic who has received Holy Communion and been Confirmed, not under any church penalty or sanction and not the biological parent. So OP you are disqualified from being a godparent to the child. In my experience the officiating priest will need to know that the proposed godparents are eligible.

Depends on the priest. My children were Baptised by different priests and they weren't in the slightest bit bothered about the status of the godparents.

Grapesavocado · 28/01/2022 19:53

This is clearly symbolic and about a life that would have been. I would do it in that spirit.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/01/2022 19:54

I would do it op but seperate it out in your head from being a christening and you being a god mother. This is a ceremony where she gets to do one last thing for her child before saying goodbye. You'll be by her side to support her doing that and the words are a part of that ceremony but are like reading out a reading rather than making a promise

Zippy1510 · 28/01/2022 19:54

Take “religion” out of it and stick to the actual facts. Are you willing to look after and take responsibility for this child?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 14 15