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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Manners - am I living in the past?

221 replies

NellyDElephant · 27/01/2022 18:14

AIBU to expect my children to say, at the very minimum, thank you for dinner, please may I leave the table? Or something along those lines, after they have finished the meal I have just made them, straight after coming home from a long day at work?
Children are 7, 10, 12, 13.
Surely I’m not expecting the impossible here? Or am I living in the past and trying to help them to have the same manners I was expected to have at that age is just not going to happen?
12yr old is my DSD and it is evident these rules are not in place at her DM’s house - as there’s no evidence of any manners displayed here either. Now I’m questioning whether I’m BU!

OP posts:
saveforthat · 27/01/2022 18:18

No please carry on teaching manners to your children. While sadly a lot of parents don't bother, I agree manners are very important. I hope you make them clear and load dishwasher or wash up.

jackstini · 27/01/2022 18:19

YANBU

They ask to leave, they shouldn't leave before others have finished unless it's something urgent and they should take their plates with them!

Did they do it before, is this lack of it recent?

Panicmode1 · 27/01/2022 18:19

My four (17,16,14,12) ask to leave the table after a meal, say please and thank you and are expected to have reasonable table manners. That is the bare minumum in this house. So if you are living in the past, we are too Grin.

In fact, I had a big argument with my 17 year old last week when I said that people DO still notice manners - table manners particularly - and they WILL judge you if you have poor ones, however unfair/anachronisitic he thinks that is.

Giraffesandbottoms · 27/01/2022 18:20

I had a friend come round and her 3 year old didn’t say thank you once, and when I asked her about it (because) my then 2 year old was very good with his pleases and thank yous she said “I can’t be bothered with all that you have to keep nagging them”. 😳

I despair. Your children sound delightful and are welcome at mine any time!

IWanderedLonely · 27/01/2022 18:20

My daughters have taught my grandchildren table manners and to ask ease may I leave the table. Good manners cost nothing.

Fairylightsongs · 27/01/2022 18:21

I think please and thank you yes, but not please can I leave the table, simply it’s polite to wait till thr last person has finished and if you need to leave before just say, that was lovely and excuse me.

Momicrone · 27/01/2022 18:21

Of course everyone should say thanks, but you sound a bit passive aggressive about your sd, why single her out

ParkheadParadise · 27/01/2022 18:22

Both my dd's asked to leave the table.
My mum had 6 of us and we ALWAYS had to ask to leave the table.
My niece has kids the same age as Dd2 they never ask to leave the table the two of them laugh when I tell them to ask they also don't know please and thank you 🤷‍♀️

Fairylightsongs · 27/01/2022 18:23

@IWanderedLonely

My daughters have taught my grandchildren table manners and to ask ease may I leave the table. Good manners cost nothing.
Do your daughters say please may I leave the table too to their kids or spouses? I never quite understand why people think children should say this but never do it themselves as adults. For me you teach them manners by example.
HeyUpits2022 · 27/01/2022 18:27

I drilled manners into my DD from her being very small, and while she does ocassionally forget, a raised eyebrow elicits the magic words. Manners cost nothing, but they make a big difference.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 27/01/2022 18:31

Very outdated to ask permission to leave the table imo.

SeasonFinale · 27/01/2022 18:32

I voted YABU because if your own kids do jot have manners it is because you are not teaching them to have them or calling them out when they don't use them.

So therefore whilst it is not unreasonable to expect them to use manners if they are not then it is on you to ensure you call them out until they do.

Minniem2020 · 27/01/2022 18:34

I drill manners into my kids. DSSs however obviously haven't had this and I'm constantly checking them for it. My thinking is if it was one of my own I'd be expecting it so I don't know why I shouldn't from them

QuornSausagesAreTheDevilsPenis · 27/01/2022 18:35

I still ask to leave to table when I'm at dparents' house and I'm 45 😂
My dc may be otherwise slovenly ingrates but they always as to leave the table!

DelurkingAJ · 27/01/2022 18:35

@Fairylightsongs I would ask to get down as an adult (although it might be phrased another way). And my DC do so too, we model what we expect them to do. I might just calmly say ‘excuse me’ if I were nipping to the loo and coming back but otherwise if anyone was still eating I’d always check saying something like ‘you’ll have to forgive me I need to do xyz’.

Sprig1 · 27/01/2022 18:36

I am v hot on manners but I don't make my son ask for permission to leave the table. He knows that we all stay at the table until everyone has finished. Then everyone is free to leave. Likewise he does not thank me daily for making dinner but is expected to help if I ask him and say thanks if, for example, someone passes him something/hands him a drink etc.

Isaw3ships · 27/01/2022 18:36

Of course not - everyone appreciates polite, respectful children and by bringing them up to say please, thank-you, being appreciative of what’s done for them you are making their path in life much easier. They’ll be welcome at other people’s houses and be invited over to play of for meals etc.
I know the kids that we have here most frequently are the well-behaved, polite ones. Always happy to have them for a sleepover or to help a parent out.
But the rude little shits who don’t clear their plates, don’t say please or thank you, grab for snacks or treats, don’t pick up after themselves … they generally don’t get asked back.

cherrytopcake · 27/01/2022 18:40

Insist on those manners Smile
This is not old fashioned. You're really not asking for much but you'll have to ask them to say thanks regularly and consistently to see some small improvements... I have to remind my pre schooler daily and every time to say please and thanks. Just how it is. I won't give up. She will be well mannered.

Allsorts1 · 27/01/2022 18:40

@Fairylightsongs

I think please and thank you yes, but not please can I leave the table, simply it’s polite to wait till thr last person has finished and if you need to leave before just say, that was lovely and excuse me.
I think this is a better approach - as adults don’t have to ask to leave the table. You’re better off teaching the reason behind the manner, e.g it’s not polite to leave people eating alone so you can only leave once everyone is finished - or if there is a specific reason and you need to leave you need to politely excuse yourself, and say something like “that was lovely, please excuse me I have to get back to exam prep now” and take your plate and put in the dishwasher.
Maybe83 · 27/01/2022 18:41

Please and thank you yes. Not permission to leave the table. I dont view that as manners but control. I dont need them to sit at the table for me to finish my meal. If they are finished first they can go and do what ever it was before we sat down.

If we are at a restaurant they don't leave until we all do at home I don't expect the same.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/01/2022 18:42

Well, they're your kids so you're the one to teach them surely? If they aren't saying it, that's on you.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/01/2022 18:44

Oh, my apologies, I think I read it wrong. Your kids are saying it, but your step child is not? Is that right? Tell her that's how it works in your house then.

PlanetNormal · 27/01/2022 18:49

YANBU.

Manners matter. Rightly or wrongly they are still an important class signifier in adult life. People will notice. They might not say anything, but they will judge.

Benjispruce5 · 27/01/2022 18:49

Mine are 17 & 21. They always say thank you after a meal and load the dishwasher with their plate etc. I don’t expect them to ask to leave the table but I think that’s because they don’t leave until everyone is finished. We have sat at the table every night forever and at breakfast for many years until they were teens.
I work in primary school and it’s noticeable that some children always say please and thank you and some never do.

VeronicaBeccabunga · 27/01/2022 18:50

To my great amusement my 30 year old son asked, slightly absent-mindedly, 'Please may I leave the table' when he was last here for a meal.

I'm proud to say that people tell me what a nice young man he is, and as he's very tall and huge, but of the 'gentle giant' variety, I think nice manners help stop him being seen as intimidating.

He's training his pup to be an impeccably well-mannered dog, too!

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