To remind Ex-MIL of ExHs role in parenting?

[Negative12hoursthenPositive]

ExH has contact with DD for 24 hours EOW. He takes her back to his parents despite not living with them, that’s his choice and I never got involved. It has obviously caused issues during lockdowns etc as he refuses to to take DD to his own house.

Both Ex-PILs are immunosuppressed for different reasons. There’s been a huge outbreak of covid in DDs class so I was testing her daily due to that but then been doing extra tests (2 times a day) in the 48 hours before contact.

DD tested positive on Monday at 5am (she’d woken up feeling awful and insisted on a test). I’d tested her less than 12 hours earlier (6pm) when she came back from contact and she was negative, not even a faint line on the test.

Ex-FIL has now tested positive.

Ex-MIL has sent me a huge ranty text telling me I am disgusting, I knew they were vulnerable and yet I still insist on contact for a break from her and I must have known DD was positive before she went to contact. Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.

Apart from the fact that I feel like I hardly see DD in term time due to contact and school and after school activities (that I wouldn’t stop as DD loves them) so would never expect a break from her, WIBU to point out that ExH knew the risks? He’s on the school mailing and test message lists just like me, he gets the same close contact emails and reminders about daily tests as I do. He is also on the class whatsapp group like me and knows that the girl DD sits next to (she’s sat next to the same child for all of Year 1 and since Year 2 started) tested positive on Friday, after DD had sat next to her all day. He knew the risk and has cancelled contact before when he felt the risk to his parents was too high.

There’s a CAO in place, the judge decided the level of contact for ExH not me or ExH. We’ve been back to court once since the order was made over another issue which Ex-MIL also blames me for.

So WIBU to reply to Ex-MIL and remind her of her sons role in all this? I’ve kept more than my side of the bargain when I agreed to test DD twice a day in the 48 hours before contact. I promise she was negative before she went and 12 hours before she tested positive. I would never let my covid positive child go to school/contact/activities.

Also WWYD about this going forwards if I am going to be blamed?

[SarahAndQuack]

YANBU.

I wonder if your ex-H has been entirely honest with his parents. Is it perhaps possible she has been given to understand that it's you who wanted DD to go to them?

[Justmuddlingalong]

I'd give her both barrels.

[Alonelonelyloner]

Good grief.

She sent you a ranty text blaming you. Just send her one back saying;

'Hi, sorry you have Covid in the house. I test my daughter daily. I have at no point made the decision to send her into your home. Ever. I kindly suggest you take this up with your feckless son. Regards, Disgruntled EXDIL.

[Soontobe60]

I’d ignore her. Also, it’s absolutely pointless testing your dd so much! You’re going to make her paranoid!!!
All you need to be doing is testing her once just before she goes to her father. Any more is a total waste of time.

[Willyoujustbequiet]

I'm so done with the bar being set so low for men.

Give her both barrels for enabling a deadbeat.

[Spanglemum]

I would remind her that the CAO is in place for DD to see her father, not for you to have a break. Her father chooses to do contact at his parents house, that's his choice. He has the same information re Covid at her school as you do.

[forlornlorna]

Yeah rip her a new arse!

[cornflakegirl]

Ignore.
If she were normally reasonable and there was a relationship to preserve, then maybe a brief factual response. But from your OP, I'm assuming not.

[PinkArt]

I would say to her pretty much what you have here. Keep it very factual though, absolutely nothing emotional - that the judge decided the contact, that your ex has the same info from the school that you do, that your daughter had tested negative.
I would say ignore her - not your circus, not your monkeys - other than this line 'Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.' which suggests there may be threats from your ex's side about going back to court and therefore a paper trail may help down the line.

[debbs77]

Everyone above said exactly what I was thinking. How dare she!!!

[IcicleIcicle]

I would message back 'Your son insists on bringing the DC to your home instead of his own during his contact time, I have no involvement in that decision. I have adhered strictly to the requested testing of DC, I'm not sure what else I could reasonably have done.' It makes it clear that it's their son who has chosen to put them at risk and points out that you've done everything you could reasonably have done to protect them.

[Missmonkeypenny]

I'd let rip OP, how dare she talk to you like that when you've been more than proactive re testing and making sure they're safe. Quote frankly, it isn't your job to protect his parents, it's his.

[Allpenguinsarepingus]

She’s scared and is blaming you because you aren’t family. It’s not your fault. At all. In any way. You know that. Your ex knows that. Your MiL knows that really.
I would send a reply. ‘I’m going to pretend you didn’t send this because I’m sure you’re already regretting it. Wishing FiL a swift recovery. Let me know if you need any help sorting shopping.’ (if that’s something you’d do for them).

[Allpenguinsarepingus]

And if she replied back anything in any way implying it’s your fault Then I would lose it.

[bigbeatmanifesto]

100% I'd be telling her wtaf is that all about?
My DS also caught covid from school this week I tested him at 1pm on the Tuesday he came home from school sick, he was negative like you not even a faint line, tested myself at 4pm as I felt off, I was positive tested him again because he was still complaining of a headache and he was positive.
You can test positive within a matter of hours there's nothing you could of done.

[AmandaHoldensLips]

"Please direct your angry message at your useless son who brings daughter to you because he cannot be bothered to spend time with her on his own. And I don't need a "break" from my daughter. It is her contact time with her father."

[Grapesavocado]

I'd send her dated pictures of all the tests and, if feeling super tactful, assume that she's speaking out of fear and ignore the tone.

[Totalwasteofpaper]

“ I still insist on contact for a break from her”

Yeah… you are diva and demand “a break… absolutely nothing to do with your daughter… I don’t know…having some semblance of a relationship with her deadbeat dad (who had NO need to take her to his parents)

[Fallagain]

I would write a very factual message and then wait until tomorrow and redraft it if needed to remove any angry comments and send it tomorrow. Ex MIL is probably understandably very worried but she shouldn’t be taking out on you.

In the message I would be clear that ex doesn’t have to have contact at their house but that’s his and their choice - I wonder if he has told them otherwise.

[Totalwasteofpaper]

@AmandaHoldensLips put ot more eloquently than my angry ramblings 😂

[Negative12hoursthenPositive]

@AmandaHoldensLips

"Please direct your angry message at your useless son who brings daughter to you because he cannot be bothered to spend time with her on his own. And I don't need a "break" from my daughter. It is her contact time with her father."

@AmandaHoldensLips I do love this response thank you

[Negative12hoursthenPositive]

The reason we've been in court since the order was because ExH wanted to change DDs Nursery and School so they were closer to his parents house, he got laughed out of court. But Ex-MIL says it's my fault because I could of "Just agreed it to keep the peace" despite the fact that the school they wanted is over 3 miles from me, yet the one she goes to is on the same road we live on.

[LaMontser]

I’d say that she tested negative before she visited and positive on her return so it looks like they gave her covid. Then tell her to go fuck herself. It’s hardly going to sour a good relationship and it might make you feel better.

[diddl]

Is there anyway you can use the email to stop your twat of an ex taking your daughter to his horrible mother's?

[Negative12hoursthenPositive]

@diddl

Is there anyway you can use the email to stop your twat of an ex taking your daughter to his horrible mother's?

@diddl Unfortunately not, the court order doesn't actually say where contact will take place, it just says that I will make DD available every second weekend between 10am Sat and 10am Sun.