To remind Ex-MIL of ExHs role in parenting?

[Negative12hoursthenPositive]

ExH has contact with DD for 24 hours EOW. He takes her back to his parents despite not living with them, that’s his choice and I never got involved. It has obviously caused issues during lockdowns etc as he refuses to to take DD to his own house.

Both Ex-PILs are immunosuppressed for different reasons. There’s been a huge outbreak of covid in DDs class so I was testing her daily due to that but then been doing extra tests (2 times a day) in the 48 hours before contact.

DD tested positive on Monday at 5am (she’d woken up feeling awful and insisted on a test). I’d tested her less than 12 hours earlier (6pm) when she came back from contact and she was negative, not even a faint line on the test.

Ex-FIL has now tested positive.

Ex-MIL has sent me a huge ranty text telling me I am disgusting, I knew they were vulnerable and yet I still insist on contact for a break from her and I must have known DD was positive before she went to contact. Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.

Apart from the fact that I feel like I hardly see DD in term time due to contact and school and after school activities (that I wouldn’t stop as DD loves them) so would never expect a break from her, WIBU to point out that ExH knew the risks? He’s on the school mailing and test message lists just like me, he gets the same close contact emails and reminders about daily tests as I do. He is also on the class whatsapp group like me and knows that the girl DD sits next to (she’s sat next to the same child for all of Year 1 and since Year 2 started) tested positive on Friday, after DD had sat next to her all day. He knew the risk and has cancelled contact before when he felt the risk to his parents was too high.

There’s a CAO in place, the judge decided the level of contact for ExH not me or ExH. We’ve been back to court once since the order was made over another issue which Ex-MIL also blames me for.

So WIBU to reply to Ex-MIL and remind her of her sons role in all this? I’ve kept more than my side of the bargain when I agreed to test DD twice a day in the 48 hours before contact. I promise she was negative before she went and 12 hours before she tested positive. I would never let my covid positive child go to school/contact/activities.

Also WWYD about this going forwards if I am going to be blamed?

On the back on your update I would send Amandaholdenslips message

The pair of them (ex mil and ex DH) sound like a shower of arseholes.

And ExH often brings DD back after 10am, usually between 4 and 5pm, I never moan or say anything, I didn't even raise it in court when we went about the school issue.

Yeah I agree with others, I'd go back saying:

"Sorry to hear re EX-FIL, hope he is doing OK. As ExH knows, I test DD every day and twice in the run-up to her contact with him as I know he brings her to yours. She tested negative each time in the run-up so thought all was fine.
However, there will always be a risk as she is at school and lateral flows don't pick up infection immediately, so it would really be better for ExH to take her back to his own home rather than bringing her to you and FIL every time. I can't influence him in this as you know, but if you ask him I'm sure he'll agree."

It's not your fault, the risk will always be there when a child is attending school at the moment. Ex MIL is probs just panicking but hopefully this will make her see sense.

Does she actually need to contact you about anything? I'd be inclined to tell her to speak to her son about his parenting decisions if she's unhappy and then block her.

Is it worth speaking to your ex about it?

@Totalwasteofpaper

On the back on your update I would send Amandaholdenslips message

The pair of them (ex mil and ex DH) sound like a shower of arseholes.

Me too. Don’t apologise or offer to buy shopping, some of these replies are

And then block her. She’s fucking rude and you don’t need that in your life. How dare she.

@Missmonkeypenny

I'd let rip OP, how dare she talk to you like that when you've been more than proactive re testing and making sure they're safe. Quote frankly, it isn't your job to protect his parents, it's his.

This. She can take it up with her son that she enables, who is happy to put his parents' health at risk. Fuck that. I'd be furious in your place.

Would it annoy her more if you reply or don't reply?

I can see why you would want to, but she won't be interested in what you say.

@diddl

Would it annoy her more if you reply or don't reply?

I can see why you would want to, but she won't be interested in what you say.

@diddl Both, replying is further evidence to her that DD is unsafe with me, but not replying also proves that as I don't defend myself.

There is no way I could ignore such a nasty message! I would send something like the below, this is clearly not your fault!

I am sorry to hear that you have covid in the house. Your son was as aware as me that DD had been at school with a child who tested positive. It is yours and your son’s choice to have contact at your house, despite him having his own home where he could have contact with her. His contact time is not a break for me, it is judge determined. However, thank you for pointing out that I do the vast majority of parenting for DD. Please never imply that I am an unfit parent again or I will be speaking to my solicitor: your anger should be directed at your son who cannot manage his own daughter without the help of his own parents.

It might be worth saying to her 'sorry I think you need to send it to x (son), I'm sure he loves to spend time with his own child it's not so I can get a break. I can't control where he takes y when he has contact, you need to speak to him. As it happens I had tested y in the run up to their contact with their father. Please have a chat with your son about this.'

Agree with blocking her. Let rip by simply telling the truth, and block. You don't need contact with her.

I'd e-mail back:

I test my daughter daily and she was negative before contact.

I follow the court order and make DD available every second weekend between 10am Sat and 10am Sun where your son does that contact is beyond my control.

Your son has access to same school e-mails as I have so was fully aware of the covid risks.

I have more than done my part with testing before contact and find the tone your e-mail very offensive - if you have issue with my DD being at your property that is something to take up with your son.

I'd keep it factural but firm it's nothing to do with you and in fact you've made more effort than needed- and keep all e-mails in case needed for future.

I don't think you have to reply in a way that's defending yourself, simply state the truth:

• your sons responsiblity
• your sons choice to take her to yours
• my court approved hours 'not a break'
• I'm holding up my end of the agreement

I would say.

"I didn't send DD to you. I make her available for court-ordered contact with Ex-H, and he decides where to take her during that time. He receives all the information available from DD's school about Covid exposures. I suggest you take this up with your son."

@diddl

Would it annoy her more if you reply or don't reply?

I can see why you would want to, but she won't be interested in what you say.

She may not be interested, but she may well clock the fact that this one has backfired on her useless son and keep quiet the next time she wants to moan.

Okay final verdict from me 😬

@AmandaHoldensLips is what I would desperately want to send
@Calennigs note (or a slight tweak on it) is what I would send.

Défend yourself on this. IMO this is one worth fighting for. What a cheeky cow blaming you. I would also take the opportunity to point out what a deadbeat her son is to insist on roping PIL in to assist with contact as presumably he is useless and can’t do it on his own.

Please don’t send an angry/emotional reply back, even though you are clearly NBU. You never know if there will be another court hearing and if so being able to submit your sensible, reasoned reply will be helpful.

Something along the lines of “I’m sorry to hear you have Covid in the house. I tested DD at Xpm on date X and again at 6pm on date X when she returned, Both tests were negative and it was only on Monday (Date X) that a positive result occurred. I understand that your time with DD is arranged by ExDH during his contact time and I’m sure he will be able to keep you up to date with any health news in the future”

Then IGNORE further rants

Block, block, block.

If it helps remember that she wants a big fighty drama. So blocking will be worse for her.

If you think it might later help your case re court etc then reply first to say 'I am not engaging with your messages anymore. All discussion re contact will go through Fuckwit Ex H. Please don't contact me again' and then block immediately.

Block her on everything and don’t reply to her at all.

What do you care what he thinks.

She’s a toxic old hag who bought up a shitty man to be a shitty excuse of a father. She has no basis whatsoever to cast judgment over your parenting.

Block her and ignore. It will do your blood pressure wonders.

Contact isn't for you to have a break it's so your DD can form a relationship with her father. The risks re his parents is for them as adults to judge and has absolutely nothing to do with you!

"Sorry you have covid. I cannot foresee dd getting voice in the future if she's tested negative. As for her attending your house. I'm sure you can tell your DS you don't want him having his court ordered contact at yours if that's your decision"

Whilst I'm sure a nice ranty "Shove it up your dusty rectum you sour old trout" sort of reply would feel great for a few seconds, as PPs have said it doesn't actually change anything and could look bad if ever used in court. Facts and grey rock are your friends here.

"Where your son, who has access to the exact same information as me, chooses to take his daughter during his court-mandated hours is entirely out of my control."

What an absolute bunch of cunts they are. Go for it, OP. I like @AmandaHoldensLips message, too.

She genuinely thinks her granddaughter is unsafe with her mother, yet the court only awarded her failure of a man son 24 hours contact a fortnight night, or 26 days a year….

@Justmuddlingalong

I'd give her both barrels.

this.

altho she should bloody know your kids in school, she has access to a TV and knows the risks in schools.

why is she looking after the child the father isnt dead just lazy, you are within your rights not to even bother giving them your child if you know the father is just dumping them on relatives.parental rights stop with the parents