To remind Ex-MIL of ExHs role in parenting?

[Negative12hoursthenPositive]

ExH has contact with DD for 24 hours EOW. He takes her back to his parents despite not living with them, that’s his choice and I never got involved. It has obviously caused issues during lockdowns etc as he refuses to to take DD to his own house.

Both Ex-PILs are immunosuppressed for different reasons. There’s been a huge outbreak of covid in DDs class so I was testing her daily due to that but then been doing extra tests (2 times a day) in the 48 hours before contact.

DD tested positive on Monday at 5am (she’d woken up feeling awful and insisted on a test). I’d tested her less than 12 hours earlier (6pm) when she came back from contact and she was negative, not even a faint line on the test.

Ex-FIL has now tested positive.

Ex-MIL has sent me a huge ranty text telling me I am disgusting, I knew they were vulnerable and yet I still insist on contact for a break from her and I must have known DD was positive before she went to contact. Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.

Apart from the fact that I feel like I hardly see DD in term time due to contact and school and after school activities (that I wouldn’t stop as DD loves them) so would never expect a break from her, WIBU to point out that ExH knew the risks? He’s on the school mailing and test message lists just like me, he gets the same close contact emails and reminders about daily tests as I do. He is also on the class whatsapp group like me and knows that the girl DD sits next to (she’s sat next to the same child for all of Year 1 and since Year 2 started) tested positive on Friday, after DD had sat next to her all day. He knew the risk and has cancelled contact before when he felt the risk to his parents was too high.

There’s a CAO in place, the judge decided the level of contact for ExH not me or ExH. We’ve been back to court once since the order was made over another issue which Ex-MIL also blames me for.

So WIBU to reply to Ex-MIL and remind her of her sons role in all this? I’ve kept more than my side of the bargain when I agreed to test DD twice a day in the 48 hours before contact. I promise she was negative before she went and 12 hours before she tested positive. I would never let my covid positive child go to school/contact/activities.

Also WWYD about this going forwards if I am going to be blamed?

[diddl]

@Negative12hoursthenPositive

I went with

"Hi (Ex-MIL), Sorry to hear (Ex-FIL) has covid. (DD) tested negative 5 times between Thursday morning and Saturday morning when (ExH) picked her up from me. She did not test postive until 5am Monday. (ExH) is on the school mailing lists and gets the same information as me Re close contacts, I do not get to decide where he takes DD during his contact times, so it is him you need to discuss this with if you feel you both have been put at unnecessary risk. Kind regards Negative"

That'll have her raging!

[Mix56]

(Jumped to the end) I'd tell them exactly what you said in your first post.
able to test DD
I would also add, that their precious son is also able to test DD. & has no obligation to have his contact time at their property.
Are you having to buy these tests?

[Mix56]

shit, no edit on MN

[MeridianB]

@IcicleIcicle

I would message back 'Your son insists on bringing the DC to your home instead of his own during his contact time, I have no involvement in that decision. I have adhered strictly to the requested testing of DC, I'm not sure what else I could reasonably have done.' It makes it clear that it's their son who has chosen to put them at risk and points out that you've done everything you could reasonably have done to protect them.

I’d say this, despite wanting to be MUCH ruder! She is totally out of line.

[Backofthenet20]

Any reply to your carefully crafted text from mIL?

[MeridianB]

Just seen your update. Great message.

PS it sounds like DD caught it from FIL!!

[RachelGreeneGreep]

@Negative12hoursthenPositive

I went with

"Hi (Ex-MIL), Sorry to hear (Ex-FIL) has covid. (DD) tested negative 5 times between Thursday morning and Saturday morning when (ExH) picked her up from me. She did not test postive until 5am Monday. (ExH) is on the school mailing lists and gets the same information as me Re close contacts, I do not get to decide where he takes DD during his contact times, so it is him you need to discuss this with if you feel you both have been put at unnecessary risk. Kind regards Negative"

Well done.

[Santahasjoinedww]

Now block her. Let her ds become her sounding board..

[MananaTomorrow]

@LouLou789

Please don’t send an angry/emotional reply back, even though you are clearly NBU. You never know if there will be another court hearing and if so being able to submit your sensible, reasoned reply will be helpful.

Something along the lines of “I’m sorry to hear you have Covid in the house. I tested DD at Xpm on date X and again at 6pm on date X when she returned, Both tests were negative and it was only on Monday (Date X) that a positive result occurred. I understand that your time with DD is arranged by ExDH during his contact time and I’m sure he will be able to keep you up to date with any health news in the future”

Then IGNORE further rants

That’s a good reply apart from the fact it’s your ex that will be kept in the loop not the exMIL (up to him to then deal with risk assessment etc… one can wonder for example why he isn’t doing a LTF with dd BEFORE going to see his parents)

[Whatsonmymindgrapes]

Good response

[MananaTomorrow]

Sorry missed your update.

Good!!

[givemepiece]

Perfect response

[3scape]

That's unlikely. Unfortunately it takes a few days for a test to be positive after contracting. But you are infectious before the test picks it up. So it is likely that the DD caught it from her close contact and over the weekend became infectious herself. But that is nobodies fault but the adults who took that risk with the compromised health (so the ex who knew the facts and his parents who still supported overnight visits to someone being exposed regularly to COVID at school).

[RandomMess]

Please enforce the court order with regards to him returning DD on time. It is so unfair on you and DD that you get so little quality time together.

How are you supposed to have any plans if you can't rely on DD being back in time.

Now she is older perhaps it's time to request EOW for 2 nights for their contact time.

[3scape]

None of that is on the op though. The MIL is an idiot.

[Fallagain]

@Negative12hoursthenPositive

I went with

"Hi (Ex-MIL), Sorry to hear (Ex-FIL) has covid. (DD) tested negative 5 times between Thursday morning and Saturday morning when (ExH) picked her up from me. She did not test postive until 5am Monday. (ExH) is on the school mailing lists and gets the same information as me Re close contacts, I do not get to decide where he takes DD during his contact times, so it is him you need to discuss this with if you feel you both have been put at unnecessary risk. Kind regards Negative"

Good message.

[ittakes2]

Your ex sounds like twat but I must admit if I knew my daughter had sat next to a covid positive child all day on the friday, I would have pointed this out to her immunosuppressed grandparents if she was seeing them the next day.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

@ittakes2

Your ex sounds like twat but I must admit if I knew my daughter had sat next to a covid positive child all day on the friday, I would have pointed this out to her immunosuppressed grandparents if she was seeing them the next day.

Which is what the girls father should have done.

[PastMyBestBeforeDate]

ittakes2 the OP would have left herself open to accusations of interfering in the ex's contact time and trying to prevent the ILs seeing their gd if she'd done that.

[NellieWellietheEllie]

YADNBU but some people are just unreasonable and trying to reason with them leads to madness. Could you just block ex-MIL and just arrange contact with your ex-H? I can't imagine I'd keep in contact with my MIL if me and DH split up.

[Allpenguinsarepingus]

That was a very measured and calm response OP. Well done.

[NellieWellietheEllie]

Good response!

[Negative12hoursthenPositive]

@ittakes2

Your ex sounds like twat but I must admit if I knew my daughter had sat next to a covid positive child all day on the friday, I would have pointed this out to her immunosuppressed grandparents if she was seeing them the next day.

@ittakes2 ExH knew she'd tested positive on Friday night, the mum put on the class whatsapp group that she had, and ExH knows DD sits next to this girl in class.

[ChargingBuck]

Well done OP your reply was perfect.

Even better, you rose to no bait, so she can't even get a little thrill out of seeing your frustration & rage :)

[Negative12hoursthenPositive]

@RandomMess

Please enforce the court order with regards to him returning DD on time. It is so unfair on you and DD that you get so little quality time together.

How are you supposed to have any plans if you can't rely on DD being back in time.

Now she is older perhaps it's time to request EOW for 2 nights for their contact time.

@RandomMess I have EOW with her in term time, and all the school holidays as I only work 3 days a week, it just feels like in term time I don't see much of her because she does 3 activities in the week - I wouldn't stop her activities though as she absolutely loves them.