Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Original poster

To remind Ex-MIL of ExHs role in parenting?

310 replies

Negative12hoursthenPositive · 27/01/2022 13:58

ExH has contact with DD for 24 hours EOW. He takes her back to his parents despite not living with them, that’s his choice and I never got involved. It has obviously caused issues during lockdowns etc as he refuses to to take DD to his own house.

Both Ex-PILs are immunosuppressed for different reasons. There’s been a huge outbreak of covid in DDs class so I was testing her daily due to that but then been doing extra tests (2 times a day) in the 48 hours before contact.

DD tested positive on Monday at 5am (she’d woken up feeling awful and insisted on a test). I’d tested her less than 12 hours earlier (6pm) when she came back from contact and she was negative, not even a faint line on the test.

Ex-FIL has now tested positive.

Ex-MIL has sent me a huge ranty text telling me I am disgusting, I knew they were vulnerable and yet I still insist on contact for a break from her and I must have known DD was positive before she went to contact. Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.

Apart from the fact that I feel like I hardly see DD in term time due to contact and school and after school activities (that I wouldn’t stop as DD loves them) so would never expect a break from her, WIBU to point out that ExH knew the risks? He’s on the school mailing and test message lists just like me, he gets the same close contact emails and reminders about daily tests as I do. He is also on the class whatsapp group like me and knows that the girl DD sits next to (she’s sat next to the same child for all of Year 1 and since Year 2 started) tested positive on Friday, after DD had sat next to her all day. He knew the risk and has cancelled contact before when he felt the risk to his parents was too high.

There’s a CAO in place, the judge decided the level of contact for ExH not me or ExH. We’ve been back to court once since the order was made over another issue which Ex-MIL also blames me for.

So WIBU to reply to Ex-MIL and remind her of her sons role in all this? I’ve kept more than my side of the bargain when I agreed to test DD twice a day in the 48 hours before contact. I promise she was negative before she went and 12 hours before she tested positive. I would never let my covid positive child go to school/contact/activities.

Also WWYD about this going forwards if I am going to be blamed?

OP posts:

Juststopamoment · 28/01/2022 19:25

She is a bt*h!

Franklyfrost · 28/01/2022 20:03

Here’s the thing with useless exhs. Don’t organise their lives. Don’t be messaging your expil covid information. Do the tests because your dp can’t do them when you’ve got dd. And don’t get involved. The pil blame you because you are the responsible one. Don’t be. If they ask you for information or things that the ex could or should be doing then just tell them to ask him. You shouldn’t be blamed for this situation but it’s inevitable that they chose you as the scape goat.

Violinist64 · 28/01/2022 20:06

@Alicenwonderland

Well done for a calm, measured response. Going forward I would only correspond with ex. There is absolutely no need for her to be messaging you and you are well within your rights to block her. I would be tackling the late drop offs too. Every time he's late (even by 10 minutes) you need to message asking where they are. Keep messaging until she's back. Keep a record of this as he is breaching a court order and this is taken seriously if it ends up back in court. At the moment you will be seen to be allowing extra contact and if he takes it back to court he'll say you were happy with her staying with him longer. If he took it back to court there is a good chance he'll get lots more contact unless there are major safeguarding concerns. This is from a women who's been taken back to court 3 times in 4 years by my abusive ex and he's got more contact every time. 😔 Try and do everything via email and everytime you write an email, imagine it being read by a judge. I know it's tempting to go at him with both barrels but it really doesn't go down well.

Absolutely this. You must keep a visible record of every minute he is late returning your daughter.

MrsPetty · 28/01/2022 20:28

I wouldn’t bother replying to the ex-mil. She already has her view if you being the unreasonable one - why waste your energy and time you could have with your daughter? I had the same with exh’s family. I just blocked them. I don’t need to make an effort for them anymore or for my children to have a relationship with them. That’s my exh’s job.

Mollymoostoo · 28/01/2022 20:34

This is not about covid and you know it. No matter what you do, nothing will be right because they want to see you as a bitch and their son as a victim. If DD lived with them the same would have happened, unless they home educate.
You don't have to justify anything regarding contact, it isn't their business into the whys and wherefores.
Ignore, block and communicate with her dad only. You are doing your best in extraordinary circumstances. They didn't raise children in a pandemic so they have no room to pass comment. Xx
Don't engage with them, just have contact going through your ex.

Viviennemary · 28/01/2022 20:34

Just say what your son does with DD on his contact days is up to him. If you have a complaint take it up with him. Its nothing to do with me.

Mum198000 · 28/01/2022 20:35

Notice she didn’t ask how her granddaughter with a potentially deadly disease is?

Londoncallingme · 28/01/2022 20:39

I’d just tell her to speak to her DS and block her. You don’t need that crap.

mellicauli · 28/01/2022 21:09

You need to step away from this and ignore her. She needs to think its your fault because the alternative is so unbelievably awful.

Your ex knew about this - I am sure they would have talk about it a lot - but still he let your daughter go theirs having sat unvaccinated next to someone with COVID all day. What does it say? At best that he doesn't care? At worse that it might suit him if they died?

I just can't imagine how it would feel for your son to do that to you. It's the sort of scenario where your brain lies to you to protect yourself.

Darbs76 · 28/01/2022 21:20

Oh yes I’d be letting her have it. It’s on her son taking your daughter there when cases are high in school. No doubt he goes there so their dinner is cooked to save him the effort. He is the one in the wrong not you

Jimjamjong · 28/01/2022 21:20

You are so patient and mature with them, it shows you have your DD's well being at heart.
I would just block the ex-MIL (and tell her beforehand), nothing she writes you is worth reading, she is just continually blaming you.

CallmeBadJanet · 28/01/2022 22:32

@Negative12hoursthenPositive Remind your ex MIL, that for her safety and her husband's, you repeatedly carried out invasive, unpleasant lateral flow tests on their grand daughter over a short space of time. The lack of communication was down to your ex-H, a purposeful dick move on his part.

Tigger1895 · 28/01/2022 23:33

Could your ex not test the child himself? They take a maximum of 30 minutes. He could walk in the park whilst awaiting the results. MIL needs to be told to her son holds as much responsibility as you

mavi5davi5 · 29/01/2022 08:38

@Alonelonelyloner

Good grief.

She sent you a ranty text blaming you. Just send her one back saying;

'Hi, sorry you have Covid in the house. I test my daughter daily. I have at no point made the decision to send her into your home. Ever. I kindly suggest you take this up with your feckless son. Regards, Disgruntled EXDIL.

This ⬆️

I've been in a similar situation and sent a text back highlighting I had mentioned to their darling son that they should not be having contact with ex in-laws but he took them anyway. Therefore no fault lay at my door. They begrudgingly responded with a half arsed apology.

Let them have it.

SwoopingDown · 29/01/2022 11:06

Sounds like she's very upset and extremely worried. As an earlier poster suggested, i'd reply calmly saying youre sad/sorry to hear about the illness, and assuring them that you do test your DD daily, han never had a positive, and never suggested to your ex that he take DD there.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/01/2022 13:16

@SwoopingDown

Can I suggest to you @SwoopingDown, that you read the whole thread before coming back with a suggestion like that?

GrannytoaUnicorn · 29/01/2022 15:48

@SwoopingDown

OP already replied that.....days ago

GrannytoaUnicorn · 29/01/2022 15:56

@Negative12hoursthenPositive Never your fault?!?!?!?!

OP you CANNOT let her get away with saying that by not replying! That implies that she's right and you can't argue with it!

You must say something along the lines of:

"How in GOD's name could this POSSIBLY be my fault?! I'm legally bound to make DD available for contact. She's done a million LFT tests as I said before. That's it. Those were my actions..... It was YOUR useless son who chose to bring her to your house. Not me.
STOP falling over yourself to incriminate me!
Besides, it sounds very much like it was FIL who gave COVID to DD - not the other way around! For goodness sake! There could literally be CCTV evidence of your precious son committing a crime ON HIS OWN and you'd STILL deny he was in the wrong and most likely try to blame me for whatever it was. Open your eyes.......
Please do not text me again or I will be blocking you"

Calennig · 29/01/2022 16:14

[quote GrannytoaUnicorn]@Negative12hoursthenPositive Never your fault?!?!?!?!

OP you CANNOT let her get away with saying that by not replying! That implies that she's right and you can't argue with it!

You must say something along the lines of:

RedToothBrush
Reply:
All future correspondence re: DD must go through your son.

Is a much better response.

She's never going to change her mind about anything - so minimise contact and give her as little head space as possible.

Not replying to bat shit charges doesn't mean you accept them just mean you are not engaging tham with at all.

Aderyn21 · 29/01/2022 17:13

My two pennies worth is that you should just send the text suggested upthread that future contact re dd is to go through her father. Then block.
It's short and civil and it will absolutely drive her nuts.

Lulu49 · 29/01/2022 17:20

What IcicleIcicle said

Lulu49 · 29/01/2022 17:26

Did you register all the LFT? If you did you will have evidence of that in text or email form or both. You could send that to her to prove you were doing your bit regarding keeping them safe. Also tell them it’s her dads choice to take her to their house instead of his. Why does he do that by the way? Do you know?

gumball37 · 29/01/2022 17:32

Why do you even have contact with her? I'd say that as she is not your child's other parent that you have no reason to speak further as all she does is be disrespectful. Then block her. All contact can go through your ex since he is your dds other parent.

billy1966 · 29/01/2022 18:04

@AmandaHoldensLips

"Please direct your angry message at your useless son who brings daughter to you because he cannot be bothered to spend time with her on his own. And I don't need a "break" from my daughter. It is her contact time with her father."

No brainer to send this and block.

Awful woman with a waster son.

strawberry2017 · 29/01/2022 22:13

Did you ever get a response?

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Swipe left for the next trending thread