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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remind Ex-MIL of ExHs role in parenting?

310 replies

Negative12hoursthenPositive · 27/01/2022 13:58

ExH has contact with DD for 24 hours EOW. He takes her back to his parents despite not living with them, that’s his choice and I never got involved. It has obviously caused issues during lockdowns etc as he refuses to to take DD to his own house.

Both Ex-PILs are immunosuppressed for different reasons. There’s been a huge outbreak of covid in DDs class so I was testing her daily due to that but then been doing extra tests (2 times a day) in the 48 hours before contact.

DD tested positive on Monday at 5am (she’d woken up feeling awful and insisted on a test). I’d tested her less than 12 hours earlier (6pm) when she came back from contact and she was negative, not even a faint line on the test.

Ex-FIL has now tested positive.

Ex-MIL has sent me a huge ranty text telling me I am disgusting, I knew they were vulnerable and yet I still insist on contact for a break from her and I must have known DD was positive before she went to contact. Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.

Apart from the fact that I feel like I hardly see DD in term time due to contact and school and after school activities (that I wouldn’t stop as DD loves them) so would never expect a break from her, WIBU to point out that ExH knew the risks? He’s on the school mailing and test message lists just like me, he gets the same close contact emails and reminders about daily tests as I do. He is also on the class whatsapp group like me and knows that the girl DD sits next to (she’s sat next to the same child for all of Year 1 and since Year 2 started) tested positive on Friday, after DD had sat next to her all day. He knew the risk and has cancelled contact before when he felt the risk to his parents was too high.

There’s a CAO in place, the judge decided the level of contact for ExH not me or ExH. We’ve been back to court once since the order was made over another issue which Ex-MIL also blames me for.

So WIBU to reply to Ex-MIL and remind her of her sons role in all this? I’ve kept more than my side of the bargain when I agreed to test DD twice a day in the 48 hours before contact. I promise she was negative before she went and 12 hours before she tested positive. I would never let my covid positive child go to school/contact/activities.

Also WWYD about this going forwards if I am going to be blamed?

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 27/01/2022 16:09

I think your reply was great. But just to say don’t put up with your ex not keeping to times. And if she sends any more shitty messages I would inform her that you’re keeping printed copies in case you need to commence proceedings for harassment and that should it be necessary you will consider asking the court to specifically order that contact should not take place at her home based on the text message evidence. That would teach the poisonous witch and her lazy feckless son.

BuanoKubiamVej · 27/01/2022 16:13

Yanbu

Dear MIL

The courts have ordered that DD has contact with her father for 24 hours EOW. I have no control over that. Your son chooses to spend those 24 hours with you. I have no control over that either. I am obliged to send DD to school and it is in her best interests to go, I would have no intention of doing otherwise even if I wasn't legally obliged to send her so there's always going to be a risk. It's not my fault that your son chooses to take that risk with your health for his convenience. I have done everything I can to help by doing all the extra LFTs that we agreed but I certainly had no control over the fact that DDs infection was too early to be detected by the tests she took before the most recent visit. I really couldn't have done anything different.

I hope you are all well soon.

Best wishes

RedToothBrush · 27/01/2022 16:17

@Heronwatcher

I think your reply was great. But just to say don’t put up with your ex not keeping to times. And if she sends any more shitty messages I would inform her that you’re keeping printed copies in case you need to commence proceedings for harassment and that should it be necessary you will consider asking the court to specifically order that contact should not take place at her home based on the text message evidence. That would teach the poisonous witch and her lazy feckless son.
To be honest, I would say that given that she is accusing you of being a liar and 'endangering her' that you tell her that you think it better that you don't have any contact with her at all from now on and all contact between her and your daughter will need to be done via her son because of the position its putting you in and the abuse you are getting.

This isn't your responsibility. The decision to take your daughter to the grandparents is your ex's and grandparent rights don't exist. Thank fuck.

KangSaeByeok · 27/01/2022 16:19

I came here to say ignore the 'give both barrels' and posters suggesting inflammatory language. As tempting as it is, the grey rock approach is the way to go. Every time. But you're response is absolutely fine.

PhoboPhobia · 27/01/2022 16:21

I feel for you. I have family members who are estranged from their DIL and Granddaughter and they blame EVERYTHING on their DIL.

The fact they don't see their GD is entirely her fault apparently and nothing to do with the fact that their useless son is a waste of space as a father and will only have contact with his DD once a week, for 2 hours, in her own house.

The fact that she has blocked them on social media so they never see photos of GD is entirely DILs fault and nothing to do with the abusive messages they were posting about her nor the fact that their useless DS doesn't take or send them any photos.

I have been so disappointed in the out and out misogyny from half of my family and have had to massively distance myself from them.

You MILs message has made me rage!! Well done for such a good response and lets hope she gets the message!

AryaStarkWolf · 27/01/2022 16:22

@Alonelonelyloner

Good grief.

She sent you a ranty text blaming you. Just send her one back saying;

'Hi, sorry you have Covid in the house. I test my daughter daily. I have at no point made the decision to send her into your home. Ever. I kindly suggest you take this up with your feckless son. Regards, Disgruntled EXDIL.

Perfect.
Grandville · 27/01/2022 16:23

Good response although I'm sure she will a) take great offence and b) see it as further evidence against you.

You can't argue with crazy.

Booklover3 · 27/01/2022 16:25

Dear Ex MiL,

Piss off and stop enabling your feckless son.

Sincerely,

@Negative12hoursthenPositive

Original poster
Negative12hoursthenPositive · 27/01/2022 16:26

@Grandville

Good response although I'm sure she will a) take great offence and b) see it as further evidence against you.

You can't argue with crazy.

@Grandville She absolutely will see it as further evidence against me. I don't care at this point, got too much to do like actually raising my DD to bother anymore. She was way worse than this when we first split up.
OP posts:
pictish · 27/01/2022 16:32

Fantastic response. Factual, polite and nothing for her to argue with.
She’ll be furious at that text. Hahaaa.
She can get well to fuck eh?

I don’t think you’ve got anything tangible to fear from this combative and stupid woman. Let her create, you stay pleasant and indifferent.

RosiePosieDozy · 27/01/2022 16:34

Your reply was good. However, I wouldn't even speak to her. Ever again. I would block her number. She is abusive. And the only person you need to be speaking to about your DD's contact is your ex-H.

I don't think you should have even gone to the lengths of all those tests for the sake of your ex-parents-in-law. If your ex-H wanted to see vulnerable people when he had DD, it's up to him to make sure it's safe. You could have maybe made sure he'd seen the class messages and given DD a test before seeing him but test after test was very accomodating.

MadeForThis · 27/01/2022 16:38

If she contacts you again just advise her to go through her son from now on.

pictish · 27/01/2022 16:39

I agree. Now that you have received her bullshit abusive text you are well within your remit to dismiss her entirely. I think you should keep her number simply because your daughter spends a lot of time there and there might come the occasion you need to speak to her…an emergency or something. Otherwise just ignore the hateful cow. This is your ex’s gig.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/01/2022 16:42

I disagree with blocking her… all her BS messages may come in handy down the line as it’s first hand evidence of the general nitwittery.

Hope your DD isn’t too poorly and keep living your best life…

BMIbum · 27/01/2022 16:45

@LannieDuck and @calennig have got the perfect replies. Choose one, send, ignore and delete any replies without reading them

Tonkerbea · 27/01/2022 16:45

Great response OP, your ex and ex in law's sound ridiculous. Good for you no longer doing the wife work by pointing out the obvious to your ex. He should have done the risk assessment and not seen his parents with your DD, but sounds likes he's inept/ couldn't be bothered to parent solo even though it jeopardised his parents' health. Your ex MIL knows this on some level, but it's easier to blame you than her son.

FreedomFaith · 27/01/2022 16:46

Oh boy she'd be for it if I was her ex dil. I'd remind her that her son is an equal parent, is the one that took his daughter there, and that maybe if mil had done a better job in parenting him then he wouldn't dump his kids on her all the time because he can't be arsed.

Nanny0gg · 27/01/2022 16:46

@LannieDuck

I would say.

"I didn't send DD to you. I make her available for court-ordered contact with Ex-H, and he decides where to take her during that time. He receives all the information available from DD's school about Covid exposures. I suggest you take this up with your son."

Somehow I would want to get in there that you follow the court order, unlike her piece-of-shit son.
Nanny0gg · 27/01/2022 16:48

Sorry, cross-post

Now ignore her

MeridianB · 27/01/2022 16:50

@Santahasjoinedww

Now block her. Let her ds become her sounding board..
Great idea!
IncompleteSenten · 27/01/2022 16:52

If she comes back with more ranting, tell her
This is happening on X's court ordered contact time.
The fact he sends her to you instead of being with her in his home is not my fault.
I suggest you tell him to step up as a father and stop blaming me for his failings.

Fuck them. Seriously.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 27/01/2022 16:53

Good response OP.

Much as it is tempting, keep the rude replies for a vent on MN.

Keep her ranty insulting messages and your calm replies. You never know when you need to prove how reasonable you are, in comparison to them.

Bonbon21 · 27/01/2022 16:53

Ingore her completely.
I wouldnt honour her with a reply.
It is the X who is taking Dd into their house and company not you..
Ignore ignore ignore.... you ARE the better person...

Pompom2367 · 27/01/2022 16:54

Could you block her op?

TempName01 · 27/01/2022 16:57

Your tosser of an ex should see responsibility for testing your dd before he visits his parents, I would stop doing it now if I were you. Totally his choice to visit them (because he can’t be arsed to parent), does he leave her there while he goes out?

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