To remind Ex-MIL of ExHs role in parenting?

[Negative12hoursthenPositive]

ExH has contact with DD for 24 hours EOW. He takes her back to his parents despite not living with them, that’s his choice and I never got involved. It has obviously caused issues during lockdowns etc as he refuses to to take DD to his own house.

Both Ex-PILs are immunosuppressed for different reasons. There’s been a huge outbreak of covid in DDs class so I was testing her daily due to that but then been doing extra tests (2 times a day) in the 48 hours before contact.

DD tested positive on Monday at 5am (she’d woken up feeling awful and insisted on a test). I’d tested her less than 12 hours earlier (6pm) when she came back from contact and she was negative, not even a faint line on the test.

Ex-FIL has now tested positive.

Ex-MIL has sent me a huge ranty text telling me I am disgusting, I knew they were vulnerable and yet I still insist on contact for a break from her and I must have known DD was positive before she went to contact. Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.

Apart from the fact that I feel like I hardly see DD in term time due to contact and school and after school activities (that I wouldn’t stop as DD loves them) so would never expect a break from her, WIBU to point out that ExH knew the risks? He’s on the school mailing and test message lists just like me, he gets the same close contact emails and reminders about daily tests as I do. He is also on the class whatsapp group like me and knows that the girl DD sits next to (she’s sat next to the same child for all of Year 1 and since Year 2 started) tested positive on Friday, after DD had sat next to her all day. He knew the risk and has cancelled contact before when he felt the risk to his parents was too high.

There’s a CAO in place, the judge decided the level of contact for ExH not me or ExH. We’ve been back to court once since the order was made over another issue which Ex-MIL also blames me for.

So WIBU to reply to Ex-MIL and remind her of her sons role in all this? I’ve kept more than my side of the bargain when I agreed to test DD twice a day in the 48 hours before contact. I promise she was negative before she went and 12 hours before she tested positive. I would never let my covid positive child go to school/contact/activities.

Also WWYD about this going forwards if I am going to be blamed?

Some people just love a fight.

Disappoint them.

@Negative12hoursthenPositive

The reason we've been in court since the order was because ExH wanted to change DDs Nursery and School so they were closer to his parents house, he got laughed out of court. But Ex-MIL says it's my fault because I could of "Just agreed it to keep the peace" despite the fact that the school they wanted is over 3 miles from me, yet the one she goes to is on the same road we live on.

He has her 2 weekend a month.

And wanted her to attend a school weekdays near him and 3 miles from her home?

Bet you're glad he's an ex?!

Honestly don’t give it your headspace. Just ignore it and maybe go one step further and block her.

@AmandaHoldensLips

"Please direct your angry message at your useless son who brings daughter to you because he cannot be bothered to spend time with her on his own. And I don't need a "break" from my daughter. It is her contact time with her father."

Send this for sure.

She would 100% get a message back from me reminding her that her shitty son is the one that posed the risk as you have and will continue to test your Dd.
Also inc what you said re him getting the school alerts.
Remind her that its her shitty son that insists bringing DD to theirs and never to his and that EOW wasnt your choice but that of court.
Then I would tell her that if she contacts you again, you will take it as evidence to court against ExH.

YWNBU to reply but I would think about how her further response to you may impact your mental health. You won't change their mind and they will have a response that won't consider your PoV at all.

I have almost this exact situation. ExP and his family push for contact but then take when the shit hits the fan it's all on me. I had to block him for a few days after I tested positive as the things they said around me being unfit to have him really affected me when I was so unwell.

"I did not make the decision to bring my daughter into your house. I am obliged to allow ExH contact unless he cancels it, and would have been happy to have her this weekend, or he could have had contact at his own house. I have been testing DD twice a day, in order that ExH has the best possible information with which to make his own decisions."

yet I still insist on contact for a break from her

'Oh, so you're saying ExDH has changed his mind and no longer wants contact, even though he insisted on it? I'll see when the next available court date is so we can change the arrangement accordingly'

‘Dear ex MiL, I do understand that it’s easier to paint me as the villain of the piece rather than face up to the fact that your son is a feckless loser who chooses to take his daughter to his vulnerable parents’ house every week because he can’t be bothered to look after her for even 24 hours himself. It must particularly sting that he knew how high risk she was for covid, from all the many pieces of information he has had from school about the issue, and yet he still chose to put you at risk. It must be mortifying and hurtful for you, I understand that and would feel the same if my child turned out so awful. But I cannot allow you to direct that rage at me, the one decent and present parent that DD has, any longer and will be blocking your number. Might I suggest that in future you allow yourself to put your grandchild’s interests first before harassing and abusing her mother with no justification. Otherwise it almost starts to look like (feckless father) learnt his own appalling behaviour from you. Warmest wishes, best regards etc etc’

Why are you even considering dignifying this silly behaviour with your time by responding? She's full of shit. She knows her son is to blame. You know your son is to blame. Just ignore, ignore, ignore.

I’d put ‘it looks like we’re both sorry that your son is too lazy and incompetent to take care of his own child twice a month. x was tested before he took her to your house and she was negative. And contact was ordered by the court for her to spend time with her dad, not for me to ‘have a break’. If it’s too much and you and your son think I should have less ‘breaks’, then by all means let me know and we’ll have the order changed and I’ll have her 100% of the time. Hope you’re all feeling better soon.

AmandaHoldensLips
"Please direct your angry message at your useless son who brings daughter to you because he cannot be bothered to spend time with her on his own. And I don't need a "break" from my daughter. It is her contact time with her father."

I would use this reply and then block the ex in laws.

I know of an ex-MIL to a friend of mine. Totally blind to her son's faults, thought the mother (my friend) was unfit etc. The MIL reported my friend to social services. Social services turned up, took one look at the living situation and agreed that yes, the child had an unfit parent - the father. Divorce is proceeding uncontested. The father has been granted access to his son IF he can provide negative drug tests. So far, he hasn't managed it once in a year.

Every day we thank heaven for his deranged mother - it got my friend out of a horrible situation that she thought she couldn't afford to escape.

"I didn't send DD to you. I make her available for court-ordered contact with Ex-H, and he decides where to take her during that time. He receives all the information available from DD's school about Covid exposures. I suggest you take this up with your son."

So far I like this one best. It's very concise, clear and unemotional. There's nothing to argue with in it at all.

@ClawedButler

I know of an ex-MIL to a friend of mine. Totally blind to her son's faults, thought the mother (my friend) was unfit etc. The MIL reported my friend to social services. Social services turned up, took one look at the living situation and agreed that yes, the child had an unfit parent - the father. Divorce is proceeding uncontested. The father has been granted access to his son IF he can provide negative drug tests. So far, he hasn't managed it once in a year.

Every day we thank heaven for his deranged mother - it got my friend out of a horrible situation that she thought she couldn't afford to escape.

Blimey I bet she didn’t plan that

Just ignore her. She’s stressed and lashing out. No good will come of escalating it.

YANBU. I'm not sure that this is your exes fault either though. They choose to see your DD knowing that she could easily get infected at school. I don't necessarily disagree with that choice but they shouldn't blame other people for their decision. Many ECV have children at school and they just have to live with the risk. At least there are antivirals now and presumably your FIL is eligible for them.

@LannieDuck

I would say.

"I didn't send DD to you. I make her available for court-ordered contact with Ex-H, and he decides where to take her during that time. He receives all the information available from DD's school about Covid exposures. I suggest you take this up with your son."

this.

when dealing with arseholes its best not to give them ammo, only facts.

Wouldn’t even give it headspace - ignore her and don’t reply. She’ll either calm down and realise that ExDH is responsible for your DD being at hers not you or continue to blame you because that’s they way things work with them.
Either way there’s nothing to be gained by engaging with her.

Yes the ex-MIL in question was well and truly hoist by her own petard on that one. Thought she'd be malicious and ended up doing my friend a massive favour!

You should address your anger to your useless son. I don’t want a break from my daughter and contact is court ordered. The school inform all parents of the covid numbers and close contacts. Armed with this information, he still chose to bring my daughter to your home. She tested negative before collection. What happens after that point is not under my control.

"Dear MIL. Lol you're so funny. Kisses, Negative12"

I would completely ignore the message. They sound just as lovely as my ex in laws! You won't be able to change their perspective whatever clever reply you send. It's not worth the energy!

I wouldn't reply, having nothing to attack presents her a blank wall. You do not need to defend yourself, you do not need to reply.

An argument cannot exist if you back away. I'd simply let your ex know that you are not entering into communication unless it specifically refers to DD, e.g. pick up and drop off times.

You don't need to explain anything.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get covered in sh1t, but the pig likes it.