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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remind Ex-MIL of ExHs role in parenting?

310 replies

Negative12hoursthenPositive · 27/01/2022 13:58

ExH has contact with DD for 24 hours EOW. He takes her back to his parents despite not living with them, that’s his choice and I never got involved. It has obviously caused issues during lockdowns etc as he refuses to to take DD to his own house.

Both Ex-PILs are immunosuppressed for different reasons. There’s been a huge outbreak of covid in DDs class so I was testing her daily due to that but then been doing extra tests (2 times a day) in the 48 hours before contact.

DD tested positive on Monday at 5am (she’d woken up feeling awful and insisted on a test). I’d tested her less than 12 hours earlier (6pm) when she came back from contact and she was negative, not even a faint line on the test.

Ex-FIL has now tested positive.

Ex-MIL has sent me a huge ranty text telling me I am disgusting, I knew they were vulnerable and yet I still insist on contact for a break from her and I must have known DD was positive before she went to contact. Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.

Apart from the fact that I feel like I hardly see DD in term time due to contact and school and after school activities (that I wouldn’t stop as DD loves them) so would never expect a break from her, WIBU to point out that ExH knew the risks? He’s on the school mailing and test message lists just like me, he gets the same close contact emails and reminders about daily tests as I do. He is also on the class whatsapp group like me and knows that the girl DD sits next to (she’s sat next to the same child for all of Year 1 and since Year 2 started) tested positive on Friday, after DD had sat next to her all day. He knew the risk and has cancelled contact before when he felt the risk to his parents was too high.

There’s a CAO in place, the judge decided the level of contact for ExH not me or ExH. We’ve been back to court once since the order was made over another issue which Ex-MIL also blames me for.

So WIBU to reply to Ex-MIL and remind her of her sons role in all this? I’ve kept more than my side of the bargain when I agreed to test DD twice a day in the 48 hours before contact. I promise she was negative before she went and 12 hours before she tested positive. I would never let my covid positive child go to school/contact/activities.

Also WWYD about this going forwards if I am going to be blamed?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 27/01/2022 15:04

@AmandaHoldensLips

"Please direct your angry message at your useless son who brings daughter to you because he cannot be bothered to spend time with her on his own. And I don't need a "break" from my daughter. It is her contact time with her father."
I don't know if you've responded yet @Negative12hoursthenPositive, but if you haven't, I think what @AmandaHoldensLips has said is nearly bang on.

I'd have to tweak the last bit about the contact time with her father by saying something like "It's the court-ordered contact her father has with her. I suggest that you take it up with him if you're not happy with what he's doing with that"
or something along those lines. Point out really clearly that it's court-ordered time, not "mum wants time to get her hair and nails done" time, or a "girls boozy afternoon session time".

He's probably given her a misguided impression of what that time is supposed to be for.

Goldbar · 27/01/2022 15:05

I would keep it short and simple.

'Please refer these comments to your son/ the judge. It's up to him what he does during his parenting time which is court-ordered. Nowt to do with me.'

Hope ex-FIL is better soon.'

AuntieStella · 27/01/2022 15:07

I'd keep it very short and factual

"I made DD available for contact with her father as specified in the court order. She tested negative negative twice in the 48 hours befor his contact. It is not up to me to decide how XH uses his contact time. He receives the same information as I do from the school. I suggest you ask him about the decision to bring her to your house during his contact time"

ChargingBuck · 27/01/2022 15:07

Ex-MIL has sent me a huge ranty text telling me I am disgusting, I knew they were vulnerable and yet I still insist on contact for a break from her and I must have known DD was positive before she went to contact. Apparently this is further evidence that DD should be living with them as I can’t “risk assess or think of anyone but myself”.

Jeeze, OP. Thank Dog you are (mostly) out of that awful dynamic.
Yeah, I think you need to clear it up with her as Ex may be telling her porkies. Something like:

MiL, I don't allow DD to spend 24 hours at your house each fortnight because I want to. I do so because it is Court-ordered. Where her father decides to take her for this 24 hours is also not my decision, so I'm at a loss to understand why you are asking me about it, rather than your son, who is obviously more intent on handing off childcare to you than protecting your health by having contact at his own house.
Very sorry to hear that FiL is poorly, so trust you will talk to your son now about the importance of him testing both himself & DD, & of course not visiting you if he is positive or has any kind of infection.
Regards, Negative.

If she comes back at you with any more nonsense - don't bother to reply. You have given her the basic courtesy of the facts, no need to bother engaging further.

Fallagain · 27/01/2022 15:07

@ClawedButler

You don't need to explain anything.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get covered in sh1t, but the pig likes it.

What an amazing phrase!
SituationCritical · 27/01/2022 15:11

Also agree with the AmandaHoldensLips answer. Short, to the point and factually correct. I'd block after that so she can't have the satisfaction of another reply. Strange how blind some people can be to the uselessness of their offspring (usually male). I suppose it's also your fault that you broke up, poor lad Wink

DreamerSeven · 27/01/2022 15:15

@LannieDuck

I would say.

"I didn't send DD to you. I make her available for court-ordered contact with Ex-H, and he decides where to take her during that time. He receives all the information available from DD's school about Covid exposures. I suggest you take this up with your son."

I’d send this word for word. Keep it factual and don’t justify yourself by explaining the testing you’ve done etc.
ChargingBuck · 27/01/2022 15:18

@AuntieStella

I'd keep it very short and factual

"I made DD available for contact with her father as specified in the court order. She tested negative negative twice in the 48 hours befor his contact. It is not up to me to decide how XH uses his contact time. He receives the same information as I do from the school. I suggest you ask him about the decision to bring her to your house during his contact time"

Some great suggested replies by PP, but @AuntieStella's is the one I'd go for - it covers everything, keeps all the emotion out & is unimpeachably "Court-friendly", should things ever come to that again ...
Aderyn21 · 27/01/2022 15:19

I'd send the reply that contact is court ordered so dd can see her dad and that it's up to ex h what happens during that time.

Then I'd stop testing dd before contact. Twice before each visit is too much and if they do get covid from dd then so what? Fuck em!

TurquoiseDragon · 27/01/2022 15:21

@saraclara

"I didn't send DD to you. I make her available for court-ordered contact with Ex-H, and he decides where to take her during that time. He receives all the information available from DD's school about Covid exposures. I suggest you take this up with your son."

So far I like this one best. It's very concise, clear and unemotional. There's nothing to argue with in it at all.

I would send one factual response, simply for the paper trail, then block. I like this one, clear, concise and witout emotion.

The one response for the paper trail is simply because of the comments about DD living with them. No court is going to side with them, it's just handy to have that paper trail.

BoredZelda · 27/01/2022 15:22

I would simply reply with "I assume you actually meant to send this to your son?"

mugoftea456 · 27/01/2022 15:22

@Justmuddlingalong

I'd give her both barrels.
I would do the opposite.

People like you ex mil love a reaction and and argument.

I wouldn't even dignify it with a response

Bellyups · 27/01/2022 15:24

Hi ExMIL
Your son Insists on contact taking place at your house, despite having his own home. He is aware of the risks at this time, and thought it tight to continue taking our daughter to your home.
So I am confused as to why you are taking aim at me, especially as I test dd multiple times before contact.
You need to take this up with him.
I’d appreciate it if you never contact me in such a rude and antagonistic tone again.
Regards
Negative

Your ex mil is a fucking twat.

Drinkingallthewine · 27/01/2022 15:25

One thing that strikes me when I see posters give excellent sample responses is the word "sorry" is used in all of them. It's really worth getting into the habit of only using that word in an actual apology.

When you use that word - as in, 'sorry you have covid' or 'sorry I did test DD' or even ' sorry, what?' it has unconscious connotations that you, somehow are at fault and even though TABU, because you say that word they begin to think they are justified. We were taught in my call center job years ago to avoid using the word if at all possible for this reason.

This is perfect, and sums up everything you need to say, but doesn't sink down to her level:

I didn't send DD to you. I make her available for court-ordered contact with Ex-H, and he decides where to take her during that time. He receives all the information available from DD's school about Covid exposures. I suggest you take this up with your son.

Chloemol · 27/01/2022 15:26

Dear ExMil

Please do not send emails like this to me again. I am advising you I will now be keeping all such emails for any future court cases,

As regards the current issue that is solely down to your son, who chooses to have contact at your house rather than his own. He is included in all communications from the school and is well aware of the current situation,, and that she was in close contact with someone at school, but chose to still go ahead with contact, despite cancelling contact previously if he thought the risk to great.

Xx goes through the distressing process of testing daily with two daily tests in the 48 hours before she sees her father ( at his instance there is no guidance this has to be done) She was negative on all tests, including when she returned on Sunday

I suggest you take the matter up with your son

Do not contact me again about anything, all contact is to be via her father moving forward

JustALittleHelpPlease · 27/01/2022 15:26

Don't explain, apologise or justify. This is absolutely nothing to do with you and engaging just gives her fuel. If you want to respond try;

"Unfortunately I am not able to dictate where takes during his contact time with her. Feel free to discuss this further with him if you have any concerns. K.R. Negative"

Coughee · 27/01/2022 15:28

I completely agree with those who say block her. The great thing about her being an ex mil is that you never need to see her or speak to her. If she can't be respectful and courteous then she doesn't get to communicate with you. Send a brief reply explaining that and either block her or ask her to only contact you in the case of emergency in the future.

Original poster
Negative12hoursthenPositive · 27/01/2022 15:28

I went with

"Hi (Ex-MIL), Sorry to hear (Ex-FIL) has covid. (DD) tested negative 5 times between Thursday morning and Saturday morning when (ExH) picked her up from me. She did not test postive until 5am Monday. (ExH) is on the school mailing lists and gets the same information as me Re close contacts, I do not get to decide where he takes DD during his contact times, so it is him you need to discuss this with if you feel you both have been put at unnecessary risk. Kind regards Negative"

OP posts:
QuicklyGoSlowly · 27/01/2022 15:29

You're all giving her too much of your time.

I would simply reply with "go fuck yourself" then block her. Let her take it up with her deadbeat son it's nothing to do with you.

3scape · 27/01/2022 15:29

I wonder if this was me? (Story above) My exMIL also "summoned" social services during my divorce. They visited. They assessed. They found my children to be happy, well cared for at home. They found my ex to be far more chaotic than I'd appreciated his living situation to be and advised me to reduce my expectations with regard to his access time, which I took on board and he still never managed to stick to and constantly involved the MIL, she now moans about his incompetence to me Hmm. On my side, it's grey rock with her.

3scape · 27/01/2022 15:30

I do like your response. Factual firm but clear you give no fucks. Well done op.

saraclara · 27/01/2022 15:30

Perfect, OP.

sazzy5 · 27/01/2022 15:31

Great response, best not to stoop to their low level.

ClawedButler · 27/01/2022 15:33

I think your response was perfect, OP. "Sorry to hear....xyz" is true, you aren't saying "Sorry I did xyz", no hint of accepting any blame.

Factual, to the point, and unemotional.

You can rant all you want on here instead, let off the steam.

Dsisproblem · 27/01/2022 15:34

Perfect OP. Well done.