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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner unhappy with botox & more

259 replies

Noname91 · 26/01/2022 10:25

Hi there
So my partner of 1.5 years reacted quite badly to me saying I may want botox and my teeth to be whitened. I'm in my 30s. I'm not super self conscious it's just something I want. I come from a long line of wrinkly foreheads.
I am financially independent- I have a decent job.
Background..
When I mentioned that my sister and I had discussed getting Botox to our foreheads, and foreheads only, she said she doesn’t want to be with someone who has Botox or anything to do with altering the way I look - inc Invisalign and whitening of teeth. She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.
W regards to the whitening that was the whole 'it's a chemical and I don't believe in it'.
I guess it's nice that my partner likes how I look naturally - I'd be upset if they wanted me/ told me to get it done but I do think Christ it's my body and also how can someone who Loves me threaten you leave me if I get it done.
I don't know what to think or feel.
I am confused by this reaction.

Anyone been through something similar/ have some advice?
Are there other treatments out there that don't include botox? Thanks x

OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 26/01/2022 10:29

None of her business, unless you're asking her to pay. Your money, your teeth, your face. Why are you even discussing this with her?

PleasantBirthday · 26/01/2022 10:30

For reference, I have had botox in the past, never told anyone other than my mum, who also does it and doesn't tell anyone. There's no need to be broadcasting your business.

Nobody needs to consult all around them before getting their hair done.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/01/2022 10:32

Your body, your money, your choice.

She can theb decide whether she wants to be with you.

Shoxfordian · 26/01/2022 10:34

She has no right to tell you what you can do with your body. I don’t like how she was crying and making your choices all about her either. She sounds very manipulative

Stompythedinosaur · 26/01/2022 10:36

This isn't really about botox. Your partner is unreasonable to feel they have any say or control over your body, and crying that they are "only attracted to people who aren't self-conscious" is manipulative and controlling.

Tal45 · 26/01/2022 10:40

People who did botox and whitened their teeth wouldn't appeal to me either. She doesn't get to decide what you do to your body but she does get to decide if she wants to be with you or not.

SmolCat · 26/01/2022 10:42

My DP is also very strongly against me having Botox (I don’t have it, we were just talking hypothetically). Mostly because of the, albeit very low, risks.

But the difference is she would never cry and threaten to leave me over it and she wouldn’t think she can control my body and my choices. It sounds like your DP needs to drastically work on managing and regulating her emotions. Or that she’s being manipulative and controlling.

Rosebuud · 26/01/2022 10:48

That’s a very weird reaction and thing to say. And all the crying and threatening is very controlling and manipulative. I’d tell her you’re not self concious about your looks and you’re not attracted to people who try to emotionally blackmail and threaten you. And if she can’t be with you after, then you’re sad thr feelings were so shallow, but it’s her choice.

I guess she feels threatened by it, as in you’ll look better so will dump her for someone else.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 26/01/2022 10:51

The thing is what you’re proposing is fairly low key (whitened teeth and Botox) may just lightly life what you already look like depending on how subtly you have it done, presumably you aren’t proposing to turn you into Katie Price?

V controlling from her. Also both will fade, it’s not like a high stake decision??

Maunderingdrunkenly · 26/01/2022 10:51

*lift

gobbledygoook · 26/01/2022 10:51

"She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.
W regards to the whitening that was the whole 'it's a chemical and I don't believe in it'."

This is screaming red flags to me.

Whitening is a chemical - everything is a bloody chemical! Hope she doesn't drink fizzy drinks, use household cleaners or toothpaste. All chemicals. 🙄

The only attracted to people who aren't self conscious is completely ridiculous, it sounds to me like she doesn't want you being confident with yourself, your idea of self improvement is nothing to do with her imo. Do what makes you feel good, and if she can't handle it then that's her issue. You making changes to make yourself happier (at no detriment to her) shouldn't be an issue.

I've had both - Botox, Invisalign and whitening. No one has ever noticed my Botox (my best friend didn't!) and I've been having it done for years. It makes me feel good. Invisalign and whitening was because I wanted a nice smile - I wasn't self conscious about my old one, I smiled all the time. However I had the money and time to do it, so I did. I enjoy the results too!

girlmom21 · 26/01/2022 10:53

She's crying about the idea of you making yourself feel more confident but isn't attracted to people who feel self-conscious - so surely she should want you to do what you want to feel better about yourself?

IncompleteSenten · 26/01/2022 10:55

If you really want it done and she hates it, she has the choice to leave the relationship.

Flickflak · 26/01/2022 10:56

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

2022booklover · 26/01/2022 10:58

Translated to “I don’t want you looking more attractive to other women/men

HotPenguin · 26/01/2022 10:58

I find it strange that she was crying, but she's right about whitening, it damages your teeth. Its up to you what you do with your body but it sounds like you might have incompatible views.

Deadringer · 26/01/2022 10:59

Crying about it is way ott. She either likes you or she doesn't, is attracted to you or she isn't. At your age you probably don't need botox, well no one ever really needs it tbf, but you should do whatever you want to do, life is short.

trumpisagit · 26/01/2022 10:59

I wouldn't be very impressed if DH wanted to get botox, but it would be his decision.
I suppose I know that he is not the type of person to "waste" money like that or be so vain, so it would be a massive surprise.
I wouldn't prevent him from doing it, but I wouldn't be supportive either.
I have no strong feelings about teeth whitening.

ginandgarlands · 26/01/2022 11:00

I find this really complex, because I’d love to have a tiny bit of Botox but my partner is incredibly against it. He thinks it’s dangerous and that it won’t be good for my self esteem, and that it’s not a good use of our joint money (about to get married). My mum is also very against it and has said if she finds out I’ve “messed around with my face” then she won’t give me a penny more of her money (I get a fair bit from her ad hoc for things like our wedding/house/car and will have a sizeable inheritance as an only child). I think their reactions are very strange and extreme, but it does put me off as I know it would cause massive drama.

My body, my choice, but I suppose I’d rather keep the status quo around me at the moment. I do always wonder if they’d even notice though! But I’d feel very guilty keeping the secret.

So no advice, just you’re not the only one with a partner who reacts extremely to this scenario.

AlphabetStew · 26/01/2022 11:00

I would worry that if you acquiesce to this the controlling may increase. Until it gets to the point where she's 'only attracted to people who do as I say'

MindyStClaire · 26/01/2022 11:01

She has absolutely no right to dictate what you do with your body.

But anyone getting botox or fillers does change my opinion of them, so I understand her feeling like it changes things for her. She's not obliged to stay in the relationship.

TurtleBackUp · 26/01/2022 11:01

She is trying to control you. Massive red flag.

1.5 years you say, yeah I'd be leaving this relationship.

PainterMummy · 26/01/2022 11:03

This is really rather controlling behaviour. Crying about you possibly wanting this in the future? Crying that it’s chemicals and she’s against it? So does that mean also no face creams or serums? If your hair goes grey, you can’t colour (or even gone) it? What happens if you lose a tooth - no implant? I think you may want to consider how you feel about this level of control over your own body.

Original poster
Noname91 · 26/01/2022 11:03

@ginandgarlands

I find this really complex, because I’d love to have a tiny bit of Botox but my partner is incredibly against it. He thinks it’s dangerous and that it won’t be good for my self esteem, and that it’s not a good use of our joint money (about to get married). My mum is also very against it and has said if she finds out I’ve “messed around with my face” then she won’t give me a penny more of her money (I get a fair bit from her ad hoc for things like our wedding/house/car and will have a sizeable inheritance as an only child). I think their reactions are very strange and extreme, but it does put me off as I know it would cause massive drama.

My body, my choice, but I suppose I’d rather keep the status quo around me at the moment. I do always wonder if they’d even notice though! But I’d feel very guilty keeping the secret.

So no advice, just you’re not the only one with a partner who reacts extremely to this scenario.

Hey lovely, we really are in the same boat. I guess there is a huge stigma around that sort of 'botched' look. I just want it for my forehead.. there might be very very little difference but I'll notice - if that makes sense? It's such a hard one. I cannot get my head around it.
OP posts:
inheritancetrack · 26/01/2022 11:04

Perhaps she feels insecure about the relationship and that if you have these things done you will look outside it. just reassure her and have it done.