Partner unhappy with botox & more

[Noname91]

Hi there
So my partner of 1.5 years reacted quite badly to me saying I may want botox and my teeth to be whitened. I'm in my 30s. I'm not super self conscious it's just something I want. I come from a long line of wrinkly foreheads.
I am financially independent- I have a decent job.
Background..
When I mentioned that my sister and I had discussed getting Botox to our foreheads, and foreheads only, she said she doesn’t want to be with someone who has Botox or anything to do with altering the way I look - inc Invisalign and whitening of teeth. She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.
W regards to the whitening that was the whole 'it's a chemical and I don't believe in it'.
I guess it's nice that my partner likes how I look naturally - I'd be upset if they wanted me/ told me to get it done but I do think Christ it's my body and also how can someone who Loves me threaten you leave me if I get it done.
I don't know what to think or feel.
I am confused by this reaction.

Anyone been through something similar/ have some advice?
Are there other treatments out there that don't include botox? Thanks x

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

I have botox and have had my teeth whitened.

I am not into my looks but I found I wouldn't smile in photos as I didn't like how my teeth looked. I have a very wrinkly forehead (the joys of having an expressive face!) so have botox there. There's a huge difference before and after but if its done well people don't think ooh shes had botox! I don't have the bit above my brow done as I find it looks a bit more natural that way.


With my teeth, I've always had yellowish teeth. I had an accident years ago and the crowns from then were yellow and that's the colour they were when they were fitted. I had my teeth whitened and the crowns replaced. It cost more than I care to think about but was worth every penny. I don't try to cover my mouth when I'm talking anymore. It's not about being obsessed with how I look or anything like that.

If someone was pitching a fit because they didn't want me to do something to my face or my teeth then they could quite frankly fuck off.

[Everydaydayisaschoolday]

I haven't worked for some time. My DH earns our entire household income. He thinks I'm nuts to be so worried about my appearance that I spend money on Botox and other treatments. That being said he very much sees any money that comes into the house as joint money and if I choose to spend money we can spare on these things he never questions it. He also never notices any difference, nobody does except me because the treatments I have are subtle and natural and that's how I like it.

IMO this is definitely a case of 'my body my choice'. Listen to her opinion but don't let other people control your body or make decisions for you.

[Noname91]

@HunterHearstHelmsley

I have botox and have had my teeth whitened.

I am not into my looks but I found I wouldn't smile in photos as I didn't like how my teeth looked. I have a very wrinkly forehead (the joys of having an expressive face!) so have botox there. There's a huge difference before and after but if its done well people don't think ooh shes had botox! I don't have the bit above my brow done as I find it looks a bit more natural that way.


With my teeth, I've always had yellowish teeth. I had an accident years ago and the crowns from then were yellow and that's the colour they were when they were fitted. I had my teeth whitened and the crowns replaced. It cost more than I care to think about but was worth every penny. I don't try to cover my mouth when I'm talking anymore. It's not about being obsessed with how I look or anything like that.

If someone was pitching a fit because they didn't want me to do something to my face or my teeth then they could quite frankly fuck off.

I love this ♥️

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

@AlternativePerspective

While the crying is OTT, someone having Botox does change my opinion of them. It doesn’t matter whether I can c
See them, it’s the vanity and self obsession which surrounds it.

I hope you let them know so they can stop bothering with you.

Changing your opinion of someone because they've done something to make then feel better about themselves is weird.

I'm assuming you walk around dressed in a potato sack, trying to look nice would obviously be vain and self obsessed.

[VestaTilley]

I don’t like Botox or intrusive work being done to women - I also don’t like the society we live in which makes a lot of women feel they ought to do this.

But your body, your money, your choice- your partner shouldn’t dictate what you do or try and guilt trip you out of it.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

I was chatting to my aunt the other day and I mentioned someone I know who does Botox and she said "oh I go to her!"

Never once though that she had had botox and I've known her my whole life,her face is naturally beautiful, and there are zero signs she ever has it.

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

@crazyjinglist

I'm pretty anti the idea of Botox, fillers and cosmetic surgery, partly because I don't like the expectationthat women shouldn't look like they've aged, and partly because there are so many people who look worse after various procedures (not necessarily Botox though). That means I wouldn't have those procedures myself - othdr people can do what they like!

But... your partner's reaction seems unreasonable to me. If it were something extreme which was going to drastically alter your appearance I could understand it more, but a slightly smoother forehead and whiter teeth...? Not the biggest deal really.

I agree it's a problem if anyone feels they have to do it to look a certain way, or because they shouldn't look older.

I went through a phase of wanting lip fillers. Luckily I realised I was just looking at others and thinking my lips looked thin before I did it! I don't need filler, my lips are fine as they are.

It is sad that people don't do it for them, but for how they feel they should look.

[CupOfNiceTea]

Can’t really blame her.
Someone so insecure about aging is unattractive in itself.
I don’t she is wrong, of course she can’t tell you what to do/not to do, but she is allowed to have feelings and thoughts about.
And also say it out loud to you.

[Beautiful3]

I've just said the same thing to my husband last week. For my 40th I fancy having my teeth whitened and maybe a little botox, to starve off the wrinkles. He said "You don't need it, but it's up to you." I wouldn't be happy if he said I couldn't, as I view that to be controlling behaviour. I think you should treat yourself, why not, life's too short. You could go with your sister foe the day, and get them done together. Don't tell her.

[missingeu]

It's your body, your choice.

My DH has a tattoo's I'm not a lover of tattoos but it's his body and his choice, I love him for him, and if tattoo make him happy who I am to stop that.

[Bellexx]

I have Botox in my forehead and is e whitening kits and nobody has noticed 😂

I feel better about myself, my head was starting to form hard lines and I did get tension headaches both of which has gone.

I have whitening trays and tend to do them if and when I fancy it. The red Colgate whitening tooth paste is amazing and you can get in home bargains.

Reality is your been honest, she’s projecting some form of feelings on to you. I’d suggest trying to have an open conversation to see if there some deeper issue to what you have said, if not it was come across controlling.

[Kotatsu]

I've been thinking about just a little botox for the forehead wrinkles too - it's not like it's something moisturiser can do anything about (is your partner against moisturiser? Hair brushes?) - I wouldn't consider myself even slightly obsessed with my looks, but sometimes, just like it's nice to have a nice outfit, it's nice to do something little to polish up what you have.

Straightening teeth, a bit of whitening (not glow in the dark, but just fresh-looking) etc. I can't see the problem (and bear in mind, I don't even shave my legs, rarely wear makeup, and only get my hair cut every 6 months after years of doing it myself)

There is a world of difference between a little bit of botox for forehead wrinkles, and immobilising your face.

[CustardySergeant]

"W regards to the whitening that was the whole 'it's a chemical and I don't believe in it'."

How ridiculous. Everything's a bloody chemical! Tell her you drink dihydrogen monoxide (also known as hydric acid) regularly so she'd better leave you for that too. In fact, buy yourself one of [[https://www.amazon.co.uk/Science-Dihydrogen-Monoxide-Periodic-Aluminum/dp/B074NBBC9H/ref=sr_1_2?crid=SV0O1BV1GEOO&keywords=dihydrogen%2Bmonoxide%2Bbottle&qid=1643197132&sprefix=Dihydrogen%2Bmonoxide%2Caps%2C53&sr=8-2&th=1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
these]] and see how she reacts when you drink from it .

[MananaTomorrow]

Well… thee has been quite a few threads in here about Botox and actually many people say it’s visible and it does change the way you look, not in a good way. So on that respect, I think your partner has a point.

On the other side, it’s your body so really up to you to decide what to with it.

The fact your partner is also again invisiline makes me think there is more to it than just the Botox. I mean I have never come across someone who is against their partner wanting to straightened their teeth. Quite the opposite.

So I’d say there is more going on there.

My question thus is:
Is there any other area where your partner is telling you what is or isn’t ok to do? Controlling your behaviour/clothes/what you do etc…

[OnwardsAndSideways1]

This is a very strange reaction. Invisalign and teeth whitening is really not an invasive cosmetic procedure, I have never heard of anyone who, if their partner had the money and wanted to do it, would prefer them to have crooked more yellow teeth! I had it done a few years ago, wish I'd done it ages ago, so don't let her put you off (I think it's a her, not sure, her or him).

As for Botox, I don't love the look but it's absolutely your body and none of her business. I also think small amounts to fix one problem such as forehead lines can look fine.

She wants someone who doesn't care about their looks at all- fine, let her go find someone. Crying over that is bizarre.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

I had invisalign a few years back and it made no end of difference to my self confidence. I didn't even think to ask my ex husband's permission first! I earned my own money and am an adult so didn't need to run it past him first.

SInce we separated I've also had botox twice on my frown line. My dp didn't bat an eyelid but it's none of his business if he did. No-ne even noticed the botox anyway unless I told them - it was for me.

[AgathaX]

I don't like that she sounds so controlling. Where does she draw her line about what you do to your face or body? Can you wear make-up? Colour your hair? Does she?

[Moonface123]

It would put me right off too, l am a strong believer we need to teach our younger generation there is no shame in growing old. Instead of feeding this belief we need to turn the tide and embrace it. We dont need more plastic looking faces, we need a different healthier attitude. Don' t play the competative game of who looks the youngest, nobody with an ounce of intelligence cares.
Imagine the difference in our young girls self esteem if we taught them true beauty has nothing to do with looks.

[OnwardsAndSideways1]

But why would the partner have a point if the Op's face changed? We have the right, in our relationships, to get different glasses, change our hair, grow a beard (if a man, usually), do all kinds of things. People also put on weight. People change over time and nice normal people don't seek, if they love their partner, to massively control this by sobbing they don't want people to care about their looks.

Usually the issue is the partner does care about the person's looks, say wanting them to lose weight. Sobbing that they are superficial for having their teeth straightened is unusual to say the least.

[OnwardsAndSideways1]

I would also point out that straighter teeth mean less gum disease, which is linked to heart disease! My teeth have far less gum disease now straightened as the way they crossed caused it and no amount of flossing etc could help.

Having straight, healthy teeth is optimum for future health as we age.

[Aprilx]

I think I would be put off somebody that started Botox in their 30s, seems like excessive vanity to me and I generally don’t like the idea of it at all. I am bemused about the teeth whitening though and your partner does appear to be over reacting.

[WhyYesYABU]

@2022booklover

Translated to “I don’t want you looking more attractive to other women/men

This.

I can understand her voicing her concerns but the theatrics are worrying.

[HikingforScenery]

It’s a bit dramatic for her to actually cry but I agree with her; I wouldn’t want to be with someone who got Botox.
I’d like to have my teeth whitened though

[BadLad]

She cried because you are considering having this done? That's pathetic.

She's so wet she should come with her own lifeguards.

[Piffle11]

I’ve been having Botox injections and fillers for around seven years, and my DH has had his teeth whitened. Neither of us is vain or self obsessed.

In my case, I just look as if I’ve had a good night’s sleep. I get what I suppose you would call a little tweak… I never overdo it.

There is a huge difference between what I get, and DH’s teeth (that look beautifully clean rather than dazzling white), and what you might see on one of those trashy reality programmes.

No bright white fake teeth, no frozen forehead and big lips. I started searching online in the local area and found a really good practitioner. She refuses to do the overdone look. I still have small lines when I smile at the corners of my eyes, and I can still raise my eyebrows – the lines are just fewer more minimal than they used to be.

Hopefully your partner is merely worried that you are going to overdo it, and doesn’t want you ending up looking like something from TOWIE – although the crying and threatening to leave you is way over the top. On the other hand,, this could be the signal of controlling behaviour. Her arguments don’t really stack up, do they?