Partner unhappy with botox & more

[Noname91]

Hi there
So my partner of 1.5 years reacted quite badly to me saying I may want botox and my teeth to be whitened. I'm in my 30s. I'm not super self conscious it's just something I want. I come from a long line of wrinkly foreheads.
I am financially independent- I have a decent job.
Background..
When I mentioned that my sister and I had discussed getting Botox to our foreheads, and foreheads only, she said she doesn’t want to be with someone who has Botox or anything to do with altering the way I look - inc Invisalign and whitening of teeth. She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.
W regards to the whitening that was the whole 'it's a chemical and I don't believe in it'.
I guess it's nice that my partner likes how I look naturally - I'd be upset if they wanted me/ told me to get it done but I do think Christ it's my body and also how can someone who Loves me threaten you leave me if I get it done.
I don't know what to think or feel.
I am confused by this reaction.

Anyone been through something similar/ have some advice?
Are there other treatments out there that don't include botox? Thanks x

[jeaux90]

@Noname91 to answer your question about how did I decide where to go it was just online research then reading the reviews.

Landed on one who has two practices, one 25 mins from me and another in Harley Street. So reputable and location was a factor.

It's a tricky one as I'm a feminist and don't like us having to monitor our looks as we age BUT this was about how I felt about myself and as a 50 year old single menopausal mum I need to ensure my career is long and fruitful, no matter how good you are you get judged for your looks as a woman. I'm in tech, it's brutal and male dominated. As I hit menopause my face looked bloody dreadful and I physically felt run over, Botox and HRT sorted me out.

Your money, your body, your choice.

If you have more questions about the procedure head over to style and beauty, lots of posts on there and maybe some helpful advice.

[whynotwhatknot]

My youngest dsis wants botox same thing lines on her forehead

she looks so young though she still gets id for alcohol-ive told her i dont tlike it and shes an addictive person so i doubt this would be a one off but what can you do-crying over it seems ott

whitening doesnt mean anything

[AgathaMystery]

Despite my DH purporting to have very very strong viewers about Botox & commenting on every frozen face he sees, he does not notice mine. I have Botox twice a year, have done for 3 or 4 years. Go to a good practitioner WITH A MEDICAL DEGREE & you should get a lovely result if that’s what you want.

[BowlofRamen]

I'm almost in the exact same place OP, minus the crying.

I have been considering fillers for a while (also don't considering myself vain) but my dw HATES me even talking about it and says she finds all that very unattractive. I don't know if she specifically means the "done" stereotypical look or more just that she doesn't like that I would even consider having something injecting into my skin, purely for my looks. She has really made it clear she'd hate me to go ahead, but the tears seem a bit much OP.

Other than this, is the relationship going well?

[Isthatthebestyoucando]

In the end you need to fancy someone to be in a relationship with them. I'm not attracted to many people, I find a lot of things a turn off, I hate when people wear obvious designer labels or clothes that everyone else can see are very expensive, I hate when people are dependent on having a certain social media image, or crowd pleasers in general. It's perfectly reasonable that someone would look at me and say 'she's not my type, I prefer someone who dresses nicer'.
I was in a relationship with someone who I felt was mature and self confident, over the years and with the start of FB etc he started to be more involved with his own image and my attraction to him went.
Your partner isn't wrong to have things that put her off of being attracted to someone and I suppose she's just being honest, but you are not wrong to do what makes you happy either. You just might not be very compatible.

[2022success]

She cried? Really? Sounds very manipulative.

[iamnlhfss]

Her reaction is really off.
Also she said she's not attracted to people who are self-conscious about their looks. That's really odd.
So you have to be completely happy with the way you look or she's not attracted to you?
If she'd said she doesn't find the over-botoxed look attractive or doesn't like really fake bright white Hollywood smiles then I could understand that a bit - I don't like those looks either, but if a partner wanted to have those treatments done then it's up to them.
I don't really understand what she's getting at. Is she worried you'd become more attractive to other people? Why would she say being self-conscious about your looks isn't attractive? If you are self-conscious and want to get something dealt with then surely that would help you?

There's something else going on here....

If you want to have botox and invisalign and tooth whitening then go for it.
The invisalign in particular is good as straighter teeth are easier to clean between - it's improving your health.
The tooth whitening is chemical but that's up to you to decide. If she doesn't agree with it she doesn't have to have her own teeth whitened.

[milkyaqua]

Are there other treatments out there that don't include botox?

Get a fringe?

[pastypirate]

I've left my partner and this is one of the reasons. I want my eyebrows bladed amongst other things. I can't be with someone who has the audacity to think they can exercise control over the body of a partner.

[mummykel16]

Not enough Botox in the world to improve me.

[pastypirate]

I've had my teeth whitened. No regrets it was great and lasted years! It has a top up with strips now occasionally. It was v cost effective actually!

[pastypirate]

@Aprilx

I think I would be put off somebody that started Botox in their 30s, seems like excessive vanity to me and I generally don’t like the idea of it at all. I am bemused about the teeth whitening though and your partner does appear to be over reacting.

Some vanity is ok? Or none? What an odd view

[pastypirate]

@BadLad

She cried because you are considering having this done? That's pathetic.

She's so wet she should come with her own lifeguards.

Really agree with this!

[5128gap]

Its like anything to do with physical appearance, weight gain, hair cuts etc we have the right to do as we please with our appearance, and our partners have the right not to be attracted to us if we do. Procedures are controversial, and a lot of women feel strongly against them as a point of principle. Personally I feel very strongly that I want to have them, and I would have to risk any repercussions to my relationship. But only you can decide for you. And sadly, no, there is nothing comes close to botox. Though silicon patches to wear when you sleep are useful to prevent worsening of lines and give a temporary smoothing effect. LED devices help a bit too.

[OfstedOffred]

My partner has never given any indication of being self conscious about appearance stuff, so I'd be quite alarmed if they suddenly said they wanted botox.

It would be their decision, but it would worry me that it was a substantial shift in the sort of person they had held themselves out to be, and that it would lead to an expectation that I needed to be more fussed about my own appearance - I would never in a million years get botox or teeth whitening

[LittleKitten1]

Do it!

Sounds like she is insecure or low key controlling.

It's not like you are really altering your appearance much.. it's just a little botox. And teeth whitening?! Come on now, everyone does it and it looks 100 x better.

[Gonnagetgoing]

@MananaTomorrow

Well… thee has been quite a few threads in here about Botox and actually many people say it’s visible and it does change the way you look, not in a good way. So on that respect, I think your partner has a point.

On the other side, it’s your body so really up to you to decide what to with it.

The fact your partner is also again invisiline makes me think there is more to it than just the Botox. I mean I have never come across someone who is against their partner wanting to straightened their teeth. Quite the opposite.

So I’d say there is more going on there.

My question thus is:
Is there any other area where your partner is telling you what is or isn’t ok to do? Controlling your behaviour/clothes/what you do etc…

@MananaTomorrow - see that's the thing - I may not be able to tell offhand if someone's had Botox if I don't know them - but if I see a 50 year old (my age) I know with a very smooth forehead then of course unless she has great genes she'll have had Botox. A friend of mine had Botox etc and you could tell she'd had it done but she was quite open about it.

The invisalign - totally up to the person - what's wrong re straightening teeth?

I wouldn't want my partner telling me what to do but would take their views on board but then they're crying about it, that would put me off them to be honest. No need to make a drama out of it and would wonder what else they'd create a drama out of.

[FlamingRoses]

I had an ex who wouldn’t hear of me having highlights. Once we split, I realised how controlling he was in other ways too.

[BedisBliss]

@Rosebuud

That’s a very weird reaction and thing to say. And all the crying and threatening is very controlling and manipulative. I’d tell her you’re not self concious about your looks and you’re not attracted to people who try to emotionally blackmail and threaten you. And if she can’t be with you after, then you’re sad thr feelings were so shallow, but it’s her choice.

I guess she feels threatened by it, as in you’ll look better so will dump her for someone else.

This. Is she insecure and thinks you will look 'better' than her?

[midsomermurderess]

'She cried a lot': I don't think I'd want to be with someone so blatantly manipulative.

[Gonnagetgoing]

I'm incredibly lucky - I look young for my age...

But, I went into a salon the other day to see about something for under eye area which has always been the bane of my life - it's not fillers but something else and the manager said he'd had his done but not all of it.

I'm against plastic surgery and Botox for me generally and I can generally tell fillers etc - but it's up to them. I think it's a bit sad that for lots of younger people they seem to think there's a generic look they should aim for (pouty lips, sharp cheekbones, amazingly full, long eyelashes, smooth forehead) rather than just be themselves.

[Gonnagetgoing]

@FlamingRoses

I had an ex who wouldn’t hear of me having highlights. Once we split, I realised how controlling he was in other ways too.

@FlamingRoses - now that is controlling!

[girlmom21]

I love that your original concern was her feelings but now we've agreed she's being daft you just want advice on how to go about it

[BungleandGeorge]

Do you need Botox in your 30s? If I was your partner I would be worrying that perhaps you were going for a look that I don’t find attractive. You can tell when people have Botox, even if it’s done well and some people won’t find that attractive. It’s a bit like if a partner becomes very overweight. It does seem very superficial to care but you can’t really control if you’re not attracted to them anymore

[feemcgee]

Exact same thing happened to me! I was really excited about getting fillers and Botox, I'd booked in with a female GP who has set up her own aesthetics clinic. I'm 46 and had never considered it until I saw the GP at the consultation and her face looked amazing up close. I only told DH in case I had bruising and he was so cross. It was so disappointing, and I was annoyed with myself for bowing down. Anyway, I cancelled it but have rebooked and won't tell him, I'll just use concealer to cover any bruising.