Partner unhappy with botox & more

[Noname91]

Hi there
So my partner of 1.5 years reacted quite badly to me saying I may want botox and my teeth to be whitened. I'm in my 30s. I'm not super self conscious it's just something I want. I come from a long line of wrinkly foreheads.
I am financially independent- I have a decent job.
Background..
When I mentioned that my sister and I had discussed getting Botox to our foreheads, and foreheads only, she said she doesn’t want to be with someone who has Botox or anything to do with altering the way I look - inc Invisalign and whitening of teeth. She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.
W regards to the whitening that was the whole 'it's a chemical and I don't believe in it'.
I guess it's nice that my partner likes how I look naturally - I'd be upset if they wanted me/ told me to get it done but I do think Christ it's my body and also how can someone who Loves me threaten you leave me if I get it done.
I don't know what to think or feel.
I am confused by this reaction.

Anyone been through something similar/ have some advice?
Are there other treatments out there that don't include botox? Thanks x

While atm I don't think botox or surgery is for me, I can't say for certain that if I do start getting wrinklier I wouldn't consider it. I don't think it's good for women to be pressured into having it, but I don't demonise the women who do.

You should get it if you want to - and if she isn't attracted to you, then she can leave. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone so superficial that a minor cosmetic procedure would force them to stop being attracted to me, or that my desire to have it was considered unattractive. Does she similarly have an issue with women on the hormonal pill (that isn't natural)? Or women who wear make up? Or women who gym regularly to change their body composition? What are the boundaries of natural and why should someone else get to decide it for you? What about hair removal?

Of course, she can find whatever she wants unattractive, but if she is willing to dump you over it, or threaten to (when she hasn't even seen the end result), that doesn't make her a particularly reliable partner. If you were in a terrible disfiguring accident and wanted to have cosmetic surgery to improve it - would she kick off because she thought your natural look was fine? Point being, it's your body, it's your money and it's your choice. Her crying over it shows some psychological issue with how she associates botox with personality - and that's her problem, not yours.

Maybe she's crying as she feels bad for you that you feel the need to have it? Perhaps in her head that signals self hatred as she sees changing your appearance as an extreme thing.

Not to excuse it, but just wondering if there is a different angle here. When I'm really hormonal I can get super empathetic and sometimes get upset for people to a heightened degree. Tends to be about stuff like their family member dying though, not them wanting teeth whitening ;)

She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.

What a beacon of unselfish care for you OP ... CRIED? Fucksake I'd sack her off for the pointless melodrama, let alone anything else.
Also stupidity. Saying "self conscious about looks" is the surest way to make anybody start feeling .. .self conscious!

I don't agree with botox either.
But it's none of my beeswax what you or anyone else wants to inject into their forehead. I wouldn't have the gall to even comment in real life, let alone shame or control anyone about it - it's their own choice.

As your partner has seen fit to issue an ultimatum also how can someone who Loves me threaten you leave me if I get it done. frankly I'd take her up on it. Pre-empt it even, dump her for the ultimatum, if not the botox row.
Or what's next? "If you wear those trousers, I will leave you." "If you don't do the washing up I will leave you".

Fuck that noise.
You do you, OP - if these small cosmetic enhancements are going to make you feel good about yourself, you bloody well go for it.

Sorry your partner was such an arse to you. Hope you kick her to the kerb. She sounds like a controlling nightmare.

The fillers I am getting are just a wee bit under my eyes - that areas is sunken and dark, concealer covers the colour but the fillers will just even the surface out. Tiny bit of Botox at the side of my eyes.

She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.

As manipulative as it is hypocritical and pointless. You won't change the way you feel about your looks by bowing to her emotional blackmail, so what's she really attracted to?

Obviously your choice, but I disagree with pps about her being controlling. I really don't like the pressure to look younger/prettier/more polished than is natural. Botox, surgery etc all make me feel uncomfortable, so I think I would feel upset if someone I was in a relationship with wanted to do these things. With a friend I wouldn't care, you can just avoid talking about it, in fact I do have friends who've had various procedures.

To me, this is fundamental to how I view ageing. It can feel like a person who has procedures to avoid looking their age is casting a judgement on people who don't do that and age naturally. In a long term relationship you'd be ageing with that person, so I can understand they could feel unhappy and insecure if they felt their natural ageing wasn't good enough for you.

Not sure if that makes sense? I'm not questioning your right to decide for yourself, or saying that my view is the right one, just trying to explain why someone could feel upset about it without it being a big red flag showing they're manipulative, controlling, etc. They might just be upset that values they thought you had in common turn out to be different. So if you want a future together you'd need to work through those feelings and come to some compromise.

@Moonface123

It would put me right off too, l am a strong believer we need to teach our younger generation there is no shame in growing old. Instead of feeding this belief we need to turn the tide and embrace it. We dont need more plastic looking faces, we need a different healthier attitude. Don' t play the competative game of who looks the youngest, nobody with an ounce of intelligence cares. Imagine the difference in our young girls self esteem if we taught them true beauty has nothing to do with looks.

If only

Read all the threads from women over 50 and how unemployable they have become and tell me no one cares

@jeaux90

Honestly no one knows I have Botox or fillers they just tell me I look really well.

Just do it, it's your money. Make sure it's a really reputable place though.

That’s one of the weirdest expressions ever, imo. “Oh you look well!”. As opposed to looking ill?

I’ve never used that expression and don’t know how to respond when someone says it to me. I just smile and move the conversation on.

Very controlling. I'd just crack on and do it, she probably won't even notice, and think about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

I find it odd that she doesn’t want you to have Invisalign - I didn’t even ask my partner when I had this done, I just booked it.

Is she worried that you are going to be more attractive to others and may be a jealousy thing?

@feemcgee

Exact same thing happened to me! I was really excited about getting fillers and Botox, I'd booked in with a female GP who has set up her own aesthetics clinic. I'm 46 and had never considered it until I saw the GP at the consultation and her face looked amazing up close. I only told DH in case I had bruising and he was so cross. It was so disappointing, and I was annoyed with myself for bowing down. Anyway, I cancelled it but have rebooked and won't tell him, I'll just use concealer to cover any bruising.

That’s just sad. Do it and tell him you made that choice yourself, for your body.

She sounds incredibly controlling. I'm in my early 30s and, touch wood, don't currently need any botox but when I raise my eyebrows, there is more movement in my forehead than there was five years ago. I would 100% get botox as soon as I feel it's necessary. The women in my family also end up with quite deep lines at the side of their nose/mouth - I'm not sure what they're called but it's the vertical line that gives people that Droopy Dog look. Those will be dealt with too when the time comes.

I have naturally straight top teeth but my lower ones have become slightly crowded over the years. I'm considering Invisalign and afterwards I will work with my dentist for whitening.

Personally, I'm grateful that these subtle things are so readily available to make people feel better about themselves. You do you and if she dumps you, she wasn't right for you anyway.

I understand she may have concerns and it's fine for her to raise these concerns with you, but manipulating you into changing your mind by crying and threatening to dump you is not on at all.

I want to have a breast enlargement this year as I have virtually no boobs at all after having two children. I only want to go up 1-2 sizes which would take me to a c cup maximum. My dh is very much against it as he doesn't like the thought of unnecessary surgery and we've had a lot of long discussions about it where I've listened to his concerns and he's listened to my reasons for wanting it done. But ultimately it's my decision to make and he'll support me either way. Sometimes you've got to do what will make you happy.

My DH never even notices when i have my Botox and I don’t tell him, it’s none of his business. I’d say she’s the one with issues not you. Have it, it’s fabulous!! I have great self esteem and the Botox makes me feel even better.

Your face, your choice. Her intense attempt to manipulate you is frightening.

she cried a lot

This speaks volumes! It’s just not the reaction you would expect from a sane, rational person having a conversation about potential cosmetic procedures.

Why do you think she reacted like this? Does she do this a lot? Is it her way of getting what she wants? Whatever the answers are, as others have said it’s 100% your call and your right to do as you choose/what makes you happy.

I’d be calling her out on such manipulative and childish behaviour in what should be a normal discussion between two adults.

I’ve got Botox and lip fillers and I’m 37 - I LOVE them!!

Your body, your money, your choice.

I am one of the least fuss people I know in regards to preening, but I had a brace on my teeth as a teenager and had my nose straighted and my teeth whitened as a adult. Why would it put people off if you want to present yourself the way you choose. Is your partner against ear pearcing or tattoos, or is that different?

FFS bin the whiny bitch and run. It won't stop there. She's either a deluded idiot obsessed with 'wellness' grift (you might have some fun, if you are so inclined, pointing out the growing connections between the wellness grift industry and fascism), or a controlling abuser motivated by a wish to keep you 'unattractive' so you can't appeal to anyone else.
Neither is a good option. Run.

Haha, you’re meant to start Botox as young as possible for full benefits! JustFrustrated are you being paid for peddling this line straight from a cometic clinic brochure or is that just your way of feeling better about your choices?

Each to their own, but let’s not pretend the industry isn’t set up to capitalise on women’s insecurities around ageing.

It's your choice what you want to do with your body, but she also has a right to her feelings.

I can relate tbh, I would find it unattractive if my partner felt he needed to alter his appearance using chemicals.

I’ve get Botox and very subtle fillers as I have thin lips and shadows under my eyes. My husband didn’t know initially, because it’s not his face and it’s not his money. I’m extremely happy with them results and that is all that actually matters. He’s never told me what I can and cannot do, and if he doesn’t like the idea of something he’s certainly never voiced it to me.

It is your choice.
It also says something about your values. Your partner may be reevaluating your relationship in light of this new information. That could be extremely upsetting if the partner thought you were the one and now isn’t sure anymore.

Your body your choice. Just go somewhere not super cheap with lots of good reviews, I get Botox maybe once or twice a year on forehead and 11s but sometimes I end up with a dropped brow which makes me look stern or spoke eyebrows it can be adjusted and always wears off but if something like happens can be a bit embarrassing, luckily I have fringe.

As for teeth whitening you won't get Ross white teeth you may change a couple of shades at most unelss they really coffee n wine stained, most people won't even notice.

@thingymaboob

I don't think the crying etc is trying to be emotionally manipulative- I think your partner is probably genuinely distressed that you might get Botox which means they'll be forced to make a decision as to whether to leave the relationship. You can do whatever you want with your face, your choice but I absolutely understand your partners reaction. So many people I know are now having fillers, Botox etc in their 20s and 30s and it is a real turn off IMO.

She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.

How is this not manipulative? Seriously?
Its fine to not like botox (or short hair, or red lipstick) but its not ok to cry about it. It is very manipulative and childish