Partner unhappy with botox & more

[Noname91]

Hi there
So my partner of 1.5 years reacted quite badly to me saying I may want botox and my teeth to be whitened. I'm in my 30s. I'm not super self conscious it's just something I want. I come from a long line of wrinkly foreheads.
I am financially independent- I have a decent job.
Background..
When I mentioned that my sister and I had discussed getting Botox to our foreheads, and foreheads only, she said she doesn’t want to be with someone who has Botox or anything to do with altering the way I look - inc Invisalign and whitening of teeth. She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.
W regards to the whitening that was the whole 'it's a chemical and I don't believe in it'.
I guess it's nice that my partner likes how I look naturally - I'd be upset if they wanted me/ told me to get it done but I do think Christ it's my body and also how can someone who Loves me threaten you leave me if I get it done.
I don't know what to think or feel.
I am confused by this reaction.

Anyone been through something similar/ have some advice?
Are there other treatments out there that don't include botox? Thanks x

@5128gap

I think its unfair to hold women who have procedures responsible for perpetuating ideas about women's appearance. Physical attractiveness will always be highly prized, and this will not be changed by women opting not to enhance their appearance. If everyone was completely natural, the naturally beautiful women would still be held up as a standard to aspire to, just as they were before procedures were available. Yes, it's a great pity women's appearance matters so much in our society, and if you want to distance yourself from that by not enhancing your own, fair enough. But it won't stop female beauty being prized or women being judged on their appearance, even if we all did it.

🙌🏼

I find it very interesting that so many have turned this into a defense or attack of Botox itself. It’s clear that OP’s partner has a problem with these kind of cosmetic procedures in general. It’s not a debate about the quality or results of the specific procedure. There are real societal influences at work here. This could have become a discussion of how the beauty industry preys on women. It could have been a discussion of the patriarchal standards of aging and finding a balance between fighting sexism and feeling complicit by participating. Instead, it’s a debate on whether or not Botox looks natural.

This could have become a discussion of how the beauty industry preys on women. It could have been a discussion of the patriarchal standards of aging and finding a balance between fighting sexism and feeling complicit by participating

Loads and loads of posters have addressed these issues. Did you not read the thread?

This could have become a discussion of how the beauty industry preys on women.

Did you read it?

I recall a lot when I was younger, getting jobs based on my appearance (which was then, very pretty). Naturally that improved my self confidence. As I've aged, naturally my attractiveness has waned a bit and I don't place a lot of importance on it compared to in the past but I still make an effort with my appearance to look good.

If you'd got jobs based on natural ability or qualifications that would have improved your self confidence similarly and ability is less vulnerable than appearance to the vagaries of the passage of time.

As you say - as you've got older your confidence is less linked to your appearance and ultimately looks will wane. So you've developed a more integral self confidence. But some women lose confidence as they age because their looks are impacted.

Loving all these posters who believe themselves to have the moral high ground, who don’t give a shit what they look like and who above and beyond any trifling, shallow concerns about their appearance and ageing.
Just all feels so disingenuous and actually ironically…false!

Done by a plastic surgeon, no one should be able to tell as such. You should just look "fresh"

Well, it depends. One of the people I know whose "work" is obvious actually IS a plastic surgeon! I'm assuming she has it done by another surgeon - to be fair, I don't know exactly what she's had done, it could be far more than Botox.

But it's her choice, none of my business.

OP, I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

I actually didn't take your partner's response as manipulative. I just took it to mean that she was disappointed and upset because she's realised you have different values on something that might be important to her. She was probably crying because she's scared that if you do it, she'll lose her attraction towards you, and she doesn't want to feel that way. I think it's completely possible to love someone but for certain things to still be able to change the way you think/feel about them. How much just depends on how much it matters to her.

At the same time - it's YOUR body! Absolutely do whatever you please with it. Her take on it doesn't matter. It's just that she's communicated something that's true for her: "In the past, I've lost attraction over this kind of thing".

I've been in a similar situation on both sides.

My last ex liked to get Botox and other things done. It was a turn-off for me. But that's NOT because these things are weird. For me, it was reflective of a bigger compatibility issue - which was that she was very insecure, unhappy with her life overall, and quite obsessed with youth and beauty and materialism. I felt like... what happens when I'm 50, 60, 70? Will she find me repulsive? What about 35? 40? Will she be turned off by the lines on my face? It just made me uncomfortable. It just made me realise we were on different pages. I've just always liked natural ageing lines and stuff like that. I find it really attractive.

On the other hand, my ex before her hated tattoos and made it clear that if I got more than one, she'd have a problem with it. I understood, but got as many tattoos as I wanted anyway. It's my body. I don't regret it one bit.

At the end of the day, I think it's completely ok for a person to express what they do and don't find attractive. It would be way worse if they said nothing, you got something done, and then they aired their feelings after the fact.

@dustofneptune

OP, I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

I actually didn't take your partner's response as manipulative. I just took it to mean that she was disappointed and upset because she's realised you have different values on something that might be important to her. She was probably crying because she's scared that if you do it, she'll lose her attraction towards you, and she doesn't want to feel that way. I think it's completely possible to love someone but for certain things to still be able to change the way you think/feel about them. How much just depends on how much it matters to her.

At the same time - it's YOUR body! Absolutely do whatever you please with it. Her take on it doesn't matter. It's just that she's communicated something that's true for her: "In the past, I've lost attraction over this kind of thing".

I've been in a similar situation on both sides.

My last ex liked to get Botox and other things done. It was a turn-off for me. But that's NOT because these things are weird. For me, it was reflective of a bigger compatibility issue - which was that she was very insecure, unhappy with her life overall, and quite obsessed with youth and beauty and materialism. I felt like... what happens when I'm 50, 60, 70? Will she find me repulsive? What about 35? 40? Will she be turned off by the lines on my face? It just made me uncomfortable. It just made me realise we were on different pages. I've just always liked natural ageing lines and stuff like that. I find it really attractive.

On the other hand, my ex before her hated tattoos and made it clear that if I got more than one, she'd have a problem with it. I understood, but got as many tattoos as I wanted anyway. It's my body. I don't regret it one bit.

At the end of the day, I think it's completely ok for a person to express what they do and don't find attractive. It would be way worse if they said nothing, you got something done, and then they aired their feelings after the fact.

Thank you for this message - I really appreciate your view on it and I totally agree with you. We're both not wrong and both entitled to opinions/ changing the way we look etc. I think it comes down to communication tbh. I totally get the worry she would have and it must be upsetting if she thinks/ feels like she may not find me attractive or less attractive in the future. Her thoughts and feelings weren't communicated very well and I think actually that's been difficult to deal with, so I think after reading all these comments (even the negative ones) it's time to look at what's really going and take it from there!

Lots of you should read 'women don't owe you pretty' by Florence Given. Especially what she writes about not giving women grief about grooming.

@LuckySantangelo35

Loving all these posters who believe themselves to have the moral high ground, who don’t give a shit what they look like and who above and beyond any trifling, shallow concerns about their appearance and ageing. Just all feels so disingenuous and actually ironically…false!

Interesting that your only understanding of scepticism of cosmetic procedures = not caring what you look like.

Could be that caring what you look like = not wanting to distort your face?

Interesting also that being relaxed about ageing must be 'false'.

@AuntMasha

Botox is actually used in all kinds of ways. For example, it can be used to treat excessive sweating and has been found to be very effective for tremor due to Parkinsons.

Don't forget migraine. I found this to be a brilliant side effect.

@LuckySantangelo35

Loving all these posters who believe themselves to have the moral high ground, who don’t give a shit what they look like and who above and beyond any trifling, shallow concerns about their appearance and ageing. Just all feels so disingenuous and actually ironically…false!

@LuckySantangelo35 i agree. In my experience these are the most judgey people.

My DH said he'd never want me to get Botox. He knows I get lip filler and said he was ok with this but not Botox.

I get Botox regularly in my forehead and he's never noticed. None of his fucking business. My head, my money 🤷🏻‍♀️

For everyone hating it, why? We live in a society that values freshness and youth, as sad as this is. How about you concentrate on undoing that instead of being grumpy about those who opt to get fillers and Botox. Don’t hate the players, hate the game.

Totally agree with your partner.You are incompatible.Your partner prefers a natural,unaltered,not fake look.People who alter their face,teeth or any other bodypart are superficial and most of all unhappy people.find someone with the same attitude towards a female body and let your partner find a natural beauty!

The biggest critic of women's appearance is other women.

@Chuechebache

Totally agree with your partner.You are incompatible.Your partner prefers a natural,unaltered,not fake look.People who alter their face,teeth or any other bodypart are superficial and most of all unhappy people.find someone with the same attitude towards a female body and let your partner find a natural beauty!

I hope you have a wonderful Thursday 😘 xxxx

@Chuechebache

Totally agree with your partner.You are incompatible.Your partner prefers a natural,unaltered,not fake look.People who alter their face,teeth or any other bodypart are superficial and most of all unhappy people.find someone with the same attitude towards a female body and let your partner find a natural beauty!

I have botox and fillers. I am interested in my appearance and enjoy enhancing it for my own pleasure and at my own expense. I am also interested in politics, social justice and environmental issues and work full time in a role where i make a difference. This is because I am capable of holding more than one thought in my mind at any given time, so am able to somehow take an interest in my appearance AND contribute meaningfully to society and my community. I would consider any partner who lacked the intelligence to understand that my cosmetic choices did not make up the entirety of my character to have a very superficial outlook themselves.

@Chuechebache

Totally agree with your partner.You are incompatible.Your partner prefers a natural,unaltered,not fake look.People who alter their face,teeth or any other bodypart are superficial and most of all unhappy people.find someone with the same attitude towards a female body and let your partner find a natural beauty!

The irony of commenters like this thinking others are the one's who are superficial and appearance focused, and yet even in an established, long term partnership, not having "natural beauty" is a deal breaker for them.

I have no interest in botox but you really need to look a bit closer to home with comments like this.

5128gap 💪🏼💪🏼

I wouldn't have shared this information.

Botox to me is my business only, it's private.

I'd put it in the same category as other very personal interventions such as a smear test or laser hair removal and certainly I wouldn't be asking or broadcasting if I wanted or had a treatment. It's no one's business at all.

You are now in a difficult position as you have raised this issue and clashed. That's your partners right to have an opinion it's also your right to get on and do what you want to your body.

I think it now depends on whether it's a hard line you can't cross without compromising your relationship.

Loving all these posters who believe themselves to have the moral high ground, who don’t give a shit what they look like and who above and beyond any trifling, shallow concerns about their appearance and ageing. Just all feels so disingenuous and actually ironically…false!

I think both sides are claiming the moral high ground. In reality isn't it just different values, different opinions? I don't think anyone is saying they 'don't give a shit what they look like' are they? I'm in my 50s, no botox, no procedures at all. I wear make up, have a nice hair cut, buy nice clothes. I care what I look like but I don't particular want to look 40, because I don't think ageing is unattractive. I'm not sure why you think someone who doesn't share your views is being false?

FFS bin the whiny bitch and run. It won't stop there. She's either a deluded idiot obsessed with 'wellness' grift (you might have some fun, if you are so inclined, pointing out the growing connections between the wellness grift industry and fascism), or a controlling abuser motivated by a wish to keep you 'unattractive' so you can't appeal to anyone else

Wow. Bitch? Deluded idiot? Fascism? Controlling abuser? Or maybe just someone who doesn't share the wish to look younger, or equate attractiveness with youth?

My DP hates botox too. Which is why I've never told him I've been having it for three years.

These people who are 'against unnatural procedures' really mean 'I think the people on Love Island look ridiculous'.

But think about it. All the orthodontists, all the skin clinics etc, working all the time all over the country. If entering their premises made you look like a Kardashian then our population would look very strange.

I've had my teeth straightened with invisalign, now I look like a normal 50 year old woman with straight teeth.

Do what you like with your own face and body. Nobody will notice.