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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner unhappy with botox & more

259 replies

Noname91 · 26/01/2022 10:25

Hi there
So my partner of 1.5 years reacted quite badly to me saying I may want botox and my teeth to be whitened. I'm in my 30s. I'm not super self conscious it's just something I want. I come from a long line of wrinkly foreheads.
I am financially independent- I have a decent job.
Background..
When I mentioned that my sister and I had discussed getting Botox to our foreheads, and foreheads only, she said she doesn’t want to be with someone who has Botox or anything to do with altering the way I look - inc Invisalign and whitening of teeth. She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.
W regards to the whitening that was the whole 'it's a chemical and I don't believe in it'.
I guess it's nice that my partner likes how I look naturally - I'd be upset if they wanted me/ told me to get it done but I do think Christ it's my body and also how can someone who Loves me threaten you leave me if I get it done.
I don't know what to think or feel.
I am confused by this reaction.

Anyone been through something similar/ have some advice?
Are there other treatments out there that don't include botox? Thanks x

OP posts:

grapewine · 26/01/2022 11:04

She can't decide what you do, but it's her right to leave the relationship if she doesn't like it.

Taoneusa · 26/01/2022 11:06

So many people now look a bit weird, with filled lips and pumped up apple cheeks and eyebrows that are a bit Spock like. Maybe your partner is scared that you’re on the path to a generic look that loses ‘you’?

PattyPan · 26/01/2022 11:07

Her reaction is very weird and OTT. Also I can understand being against Botox on principle but who tf can be against Invisalign?

thingymaboob · 26/01/2022 11:09

I don't think the crying etc is trying to be emotionally manipulative- I think your partner is probably genuinely distressed that you might get Botox which means they'll be forced to make a decision as to whether to leave the relationship.
You can do whatever you want with your face, your choice but I absolutely understand your partners reaction.
So many people I know are now having fillers, Botox etc in their 20s and 30s and it is a real turn off IMO.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/01/2022 11:09

She actually cried over this? Talk about manipulative. Red flags all over the place.

Original poster

Noname91 · 26/01/2022 11:12

@thingymaboob

I don't think the crying etc is trying to be emotionally manipulative- I think your partner is probably genuinely distressed that you might get Botox which means they'll be forced to make a decision as to whether to leave the relationship. You can do whatever you want with your face, your choice but I absolutely understand your partners reaction. So many people I know are now having fillers, Botox etc in their 20s and 30s and it is a real turn off IMO.

I hear you on this. It didn't seem manipulative at the time but I guess hard to understand the reaction when someone so against a decision you want to make for your own body. She said that when she'd found people attractive in the past, just knowing they had Botox completely put her off them. Don't know what to think. It's a big decision for me also I guess

OP posts:

JustFrustrated · 26/01/2022 11:13

To get the best benefits you're actually meant to start Botox young, it also prevents the frozen look.

Done by a plastic surgeon, no one should be able to tell as such. You should just look "fresh"

The whole "chemicals are bad" thing is bullshit tbh. Literally EVERYTHING is a chemical. EVERYTHING.

No one has the right to lay this kind of guilt trip.

Saying "I'd find it deeply unattractive and against my personal belief, I'd have to consider the future of our relationship" is honest and okay.

Crying, wailing and laying that level of guilt on you, for considering doing something to YOURSELF with YOUR OWN money is where the manipulation comes in.

BurntO · 26/01/2022 11:14

That’s really manipulative and controlling OP. I’d be really unimpressed with them. Especially as such procedures can be really subtle, enough to make you feel a bit better about yourself but not so much it’s really changing your appearance. Massive red flag that they would react so strongly

TillyTopper · 26/01/2022 11:16

This isn't about her not wanting you to use chemicals... this is about your partner being scared of your confidence and improving your looks. Your body, face and teeth - do what you want with your money!

jeaux90 · 26/01/2022 11:18

Honestly no one knows I have Botox or fillers they just tell me I look really well.

Just do it, it's your money. Make sure it's a really reputable place though.

RainbowBridge21 · 26/01/2022 11:20

OP it's your body, and quite honestly if your partner finds it so easy to threaten to leave you if you make your own decisions about your body then I would question the relationship. You haven't even done anything yet and your OH is already saying they'll go. If it's that easy to leave over an injection to the forehead how strong is their love? In a relationship you won't always approve of each others choices or agree on things but there has to be a mutual respect, 'I don't agree but I support you' should be what your OH is saying.

Original poster

Noname91 · 26/01/2022 11:21

@jeaux90

Honestly no one knows I have Botox or fillers they just tell me I look really well.

Just do it, it's your money. Make sure it's a really reputable place though.

Ah this makes me feel so much better

how did you know they were reputable? Just lots of research/ reviews?

OP posts:

MindyStClaire · 26/01/2022 11:23

@JustFrustrated

To get the best benefits you're actually meant to start Botox young, it also prevents the frozen look.

Done by a plastic surgeon, no one should be able to tell as such. You should just look "fresh"

The whole "chemicals are bad" thing is bullshit tbh. Literally EVERYTHING is a chemical. EVERYTHING.

No one has the right to lay this kind of guilt trip.

Saying "I'd find it deeply unattractive and against my personal belief, I'd have to consider the future of our relationship" is honest and okay.

Crying, wailing and laying that level of guilt on you, for considering doing something to YOURSELF with YOUR OWN money is where the manipulation comes in.

For me it's not the look of it, it's the idea that someone has had injectibles just because they don't want to look like they're aging. It doesn't matter whether I can tell or not, it changes my opinion of them that they had it in the first place.

TatianaBis · 26/01/2022 11:24

I have to say I do find Botox and fillers very offputting in people’s faces. Being married to a man, means I don’t have the concern that he might do it, but I honestly don’t know how I would feel if he did.

MzHz · 26/01/2022 11:25

This is someone you’re with for a very short period of time telling you what you can and can’t do with your own body.

She’s threatening to leave you if you don’t do what she wants you to do?

Hold the door open for her so it doesn’t slam on her arse on the way out and find someone who wants you to be happy with yourself

She’s got a nerve, you know this. Don’t tell her anything else.

Tell her you’re going to make your own decisions and she’s free to make hers.

thisplaceisweird · 26/01/2022 11:26

I understand that it's a huge turn off, for example I would hate for my husband to get a tattoo.

Her reaction was a bit extreme. How do you feel about it now you know how she feels about it?

MzHz · 26/01/2022 11:27

And I’m NOT a fan of Botox myself, each to their own but the lip filler thing always looks craps. Your teeth straightening and whitening will definitely make you feel so much better about yourself

We all need to make the effort with ourselves, and not just about physical appearance, in all aspects. It’s the way to be as content as we can be with ourselves

loloballlolo · 26/01/2022 11:27

botox i kind of get. i think it's a slippery slope leading to other potential surgical intrusions! but invisalign fair enough, teeth whitening up to you.

I do get why people don't want to be in a relationship with someone who looks fake though.

that said it's not up to her really, maybe you're not suited and it's time to leave.

crazyjinglist · 26/01/2022 11:28

I'm pretty anti the idea of Botox, fillers and cosmetic surgery, partly because I don't like the expectationthat women shouldn't look like they've aged, and partly because there are so many people who look worse after various procedures (not necessarily Botox though). That means I wouldn't have those procedures myself - othdr people can do what they like!

But... your partner's reaction seems unreasonable to me. If it were something extreme which was going to drastically alter your appearance I could understand it more, but a slightly smoother forehead and whiter teeth...? Not the biggest deal really.

QuirkyTurtle · 26/01/2022 11:28

I mean, I kind of get where she's coming from? My SO wants to tattoo his legs and chest, which I find unattractive so when he asks for my opinion I tell him that. However, I wouldn't love him any less or ever threaten to leave him. It is ultimately his body. But he would then have to accept the fact that I may be slightly less attracted to him than when I met him?

In any case crying and threatening to leave someone for making a personal decision like that is unacceptable in a loving long term relationship. But I also see her point of view.

Andacherryonthetop · 26/01/2022 11:29

I’ve just had Botox and it’s great. No one else has noticed but I feel so much better. I also got a teeth whitening kit from the dentist last year. You get a mould of your teeth and you put some gel in it and wear it overnight for a week. Then your teeth are whiter and you just do it again whenever you need. Maybe a year later. I feel happier with my whiter teeth and my smoother forehead and to be honest had my oh said he didn’t want me to do that I would have been really annoyed and done it anyway. It’s your body and if it will make you happier your partner should be happy for you

oakleaffy · 26/01/2022 11:30

@2022booklover

Translated to “I don’t want you looking more attractive to other women/men

This was my first thought! @Noname91 Go ahead if that's what you want to do. But I expect deep down your partner is insecure in your relationship.

AlternativePerspective · 26/01/2022 11:30

While the crying is OTT, someone having Botox does change my opinion of them. It doesn’t matter whether I can c
See them, it’s the vanity and self obsession which surrounds it.

SpilltheTea · 26/01/2022 11:32

Crying and threatening to leave over something so ridiculous would have me running for the hills.

Original poster

Noname91 · 26/01/2022 11:35

@AlternativePerspective

While the crying is OTT, someone having Botox does change my opinion of them. It doesn’t matter whether I can c See them, it’s the vanity and self obsession which surrounds it.

Hi thanks for your reply. I just wanted to know what your opinion is in people who have Botox? That they're self obsessed/ vain? I'm confused because I am neither. Is it vain and self obsessed to get your hair or nails done? They are ways we alter ourselves to feel good/ look better. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but this seems a little harsh.

OP posts:

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