To think that my friend is being ridiculous?

[qwerty1129]

DS is 5, 6 next week and I've been with my boyfriend for over a year but he doesn't live with us yet, he stays over a few nights a week and he always puts DS to bed when he does (DS asks).

On Saturday, my friend was here and so was my boyfriend. Boyfriend went to put DS to bed and I was with my friend, he had been a while so I went upstairs and he was asleep with DS cuddled up to him so I let them sleep.

I told my friend and she said it was ‘weird’ and I shouldn't let DS get attached to boyfriend as he isn't his real dad and he sees his dad (only once a month, sometimes not at all so he sees boyfriend more often).

Aibu here or is my friend being ridiculous?

I wouldn't be letting my boyfriend of a year put my child to bed to be honest. Was he already in his pyjamas?

How long have they known each other?

Too much too soon your friends right

I think your friends right too.

YABU Your friend is right, it's weird and inappropriate.

I've known so many people to split up around the 18 month mark and the children left upset that I agree. It's such a big part of parenting, ignoring that you've let a man you've known less than a year in bed with your son. If you split, that a messed up bedtime for quite a bit.

Your friend is right

I don't want to pile on but I also agree with PP and your friend. While over a year (but presumably less than 18 months) might be long term when 22 with no kids I think him staying over half the week and putting your child to bed might be a bit much. I gather you see a future with him or you wouldn't have involved him (although many seem to involve men after an alarmingly short time) but we are seeing abuse by new partners more and more often in the news. I do think in light of everything we've seen over the last year people will be more cautious in general when introducing new partners to children.

It's your life and your child, I do think putting to bed at this stage is a little soon as it's very very private and involved but you know both your boyfriend and your child.

Your friend is right. You don’t live together.

I agree with your friend. A year doesn't seem long enough for them to have that kind of a relationship.

Sorry OP but your friend is right, this is a bit weird.

YABU

Your friend is 100% correct

After only a year he is playing such an active role in your child's life and sleeping with him on the odd occasion?

It's weird and inappropriate

Shame on you

I agree with your friend.

Your friend is right & YABU.

Way too soon. My kids know I date, they get to meet someone about a year in, if I’m happy with the idea. No one has ever moved in. I grew up with both parents dragging different ‘partners’ in to our lives, I refuse to do that to my kids. FYI you can have a great personal life, great sex life, great relationship without dragging a bloody stranger in to your kids lives. It’s been a decade since my divorce and my kids have met two people - I keep my personal life out of theirs.

Your friend is right, just think how devastated your son would be if you split up...

DS was already ready for bed as I help him with his pyjamas and do his teeth but whenever boyfriend is here he wants him to read to him.

DS has known boyfriend since before we got into a relationship as we were friends previously so he isn't a stranger to DS.

He shouldn't be cuddling your child in bed. Full stop.

Why didn't he come back down to spend time with you?

I agree with your friend. My boyfriend has been in mine and my DDs life (doesn't live with us but is around a good bit and came on holiday with us last summer) and he doesn't do childcare activities. He could collect her from school in an emergency but certainly wouldn't do bedtime...

I'd not be ok with my relatively new boyfriend putting my young child to bed and certainly not comfortable him being upstairs for long enough for you to go up wondering what was talking so long.
I also need to ask the question -Are you sure he was asleep and not pretending? I find it a bit creepy.

While I think "shame on you" posted above is a bit strong I do think YABU and your friend is right to be concerned. Like others have said, a year is nothing in the grand scheme of relationships. It's very early to be settling into those sorts of routines with your young child who will have to endure huge emotional upheaval if the relationship ends. This isn't even factoring in the risks of an adult you don't know that well being in intimidate situations, alone, with a child who is still learning about boundaries, consent, bodies, etc.

And the drip feed about him being a friend before you were in a relationship changes nothing.

I agree with your friend.

I think its fine OP, i think its lovely that they are so close.

@qwerty1129

DS was already ready for bed as I help him with his pyjamas and do his teeth but whenever boyfriend is here he wants him to read to him.

DS has known boyfriend since before we got into a relationship as we were friends previously so he isn't a stranger to DS.

Statistically, your son is most at risk from someone known to him.

Nothing wrong with your boyfriend doing the occasional bedtime story but you should be there too! And any sensible bloke would sit on the floor or a chair and actually want you there too.

I'm of the camp that I wouldn't even introduce a boyfriend to my dc until nearer the 1 year mark so to then let them spend time unsupervised in the bedroom together is playing fast and loose with your sons safety.

Your friend is right in principle but wrong on the reason why.

It's not that your boyfriend isn't his real dad, it's that you haven't been with him long enough. Even as a friend first, you don't know him enough - it's not even that he's a threat, just that he might not be the right man for you in the long run, and it's hard for children to lose important people.

If it was me he probably would only be starting to meet my child after a year of dating. He wouldn't be such a fixture that he'd be doing the bedtime routine.