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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my friend is being ridiculous?

357 replies

qwerty1129 · 25/01/2022 15:41

DS is 5, 6 next week and I've been with my boyfriend for over a year but he doesn't live with us yet, he stays over a few nights a week and he always puts DS to bed when he does (DS asks).

On Saturday, my friend was here and so was my boyfriend. Boyfriend went to put DS to bed and I was with my friend, he had been a while so I went upstairs and he was asleep with DS cuddled up to him so I let them sleep.

I told my friend and she said it was ‘weird’ and I shouldn't let DS get attached to boyfriend as he isn't his real dad and he sees his dad (only once a month, sometimes not at all so he sees boyfriend more often).

Aibu here or is my friend being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Hb12 · 25/01/2022 16:04

Way inappropriate for a boyfriend of that long. You're allowing boundaries to be blurred all over the place.

BertieQueen · 25/01/2022 16:04

Would you think it was ok if This was the other way round and it was dad girlfriend?

Your friend is right.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 25/01/2022 16:07

Your friend is right

lunar1 · 25/01/2022 16:07

It's really inappropriate for an unrelated adult to be in bed with your child, I'm not really sure why you can't see that.

You need to do some work on appropriate boundaries and child safeguarding.

AllAmericanGirl · 25/01/2022 16:09

I would never ever allow this, your friend is right.

Mummytobe93 · 25/01/2022 16:10

@lunar1

It's really inappropriate for an unrelated adult to be in bed with your child, I'm not really sure why you can't see that.

You need to do some work on appropriate boundaries and child safeguarding.

This.

Even if your boyfriends intentions were completely innocent, all it takes is your DS mentioning this at school and you might find yourself in big trouble.

How long did he stay in bed with him?

CandyMan89 · 25/01/2022 16:12

Another one that also agrees with your friend.

CovidForChristmas · 25/01/2022 16:12

He shouldn't be cuddling your child in bed. Full stop
I agree.

SailingNotSurfing · 25/01/2022 16:13

This kind of closeness after a year of dating is worrying. Plus, if the relationship goes belly up, your son will be bereft that his night time storyteller has gone.

Don't be the parent that introduces numerous strangers into their child's life, and grants them almost immediate access to all areas. There are men who date single parents purely to interact with their children, so be wary.

WhenTheyComeForYou · 25/01/2022 16:13

I wouldn't feel comfortable, YABU.

Unfortunately child abuse is much more common than you'd think.

I'm not saying your partner would ever do that, but equally you can't say, after 12 months, that he wouldn't.

You need to be in the room or doing it yourself. If you want him to continue then make sure the doors open. But it's not a coincidence that everyone thinks it's inappropriate.

Puffflashpuffflashbang · 25/01/2022 16:14

YABU, your friend is completely correct and speaking sense.
It's not at all appropriate for many reasons.

sofakingcool · 25/01/2022 16:17

I'm wondering if this is a reverse? Are you the friend?

I wouldn't be allowing this to happen, regardless that you were friends before, you don't really know this man and it is your duty to protect your little boy. It's probably all perfectly innocent, but you can never be too careful

MajorCarolDanvers · 25/01/2022 16:17

I don't think there's anything wrong with your boyfriend putting DS to bed.

It's a steady relationship of over a year. It's great they have a good relationship.

Prinnny · 25/01/2022 16:17

Do you not find it a bit strange your newish boyfriend wants to do bedtime? I think it so weird!

I mean worst case scenario he could be abusing your son but equally your friend is right, this massive blurring of boundaries could leave him emotionally scarred if this relationship doesn’t work out and this man just disappears from his life.

blyn72 · 25/01/2022 16:18

I agree and I think it is too soon for your boyfriend to be taking on that role - though I don't doubt there's no harm done.

Skeumorph · 25/01/2022 16:20

My God. Your friend is right. It's totally inappropriate and shows a real lack of boundaries on your part.

Your bf could be the nicest guy in the world. You are still completely failing to safeguard your son appropriately, physically and emotionally.

Bethany7 · 25/01/2022 16:22

I think this is fine O.P.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 25/01/2022 16:22

YABVU, for all the reasons PPs have stated.

Skeumorph · 25/01/2022 16:22

And yes I'd be well on the alert at the speed at which this pattern has become established and how willing your bf is to do the bedtimes.

Your DS asks? Hear yourself - no. It's been facilitated and therefore, he asks. Really I would expect an aware and unrelated man to be very careful at overstepping boundaries. This guy certainly isn't.

crosbystillsandmash · 25/01/2022 16:23

Jeez, you urgently need to address this, totally inappropriate in such a new relationship.

And before you start, I was a single parent when my dc were young. My dc were with me almost constantly (their dad moved away) yet I kept my dp totally separate from them for a long long time and even if they had wanted him there at bedtime it wouldn't have happened for many years!

I do despair at some of the stuff I read on here!!!

DysmalRadius · 25/01/2022 16:24

I agree with everyone else - your friend is showing more concern for your son's wellbeing than you are. By allowing someone this much access to him (putting him to bed half the time, by himself) you are leaving yourself and your son open to a whole world of heartache. He might be 'the one' and you might stay together forever, but he might not and it might break your son's heart. And, let's be realistic, that isn't even the worst case scenario here.

I can understand wanting your son to have a father figure and enjoying seeing your boyfriend and him having fun together, but a relationship this new, when your son is this young, seems like an awfully big risk for all of you.

FoamBurst · 25/01/2022 16:24

On the fence. Dh and I were great friends prior a friendship circle for many years. We saw each other weekly so ds knew him he was 8. Ds used to go to football and play pool with him and others in the group.

So when we 'got together' he actually moved in within a few weeks. But put ds to bed / story after a few months when ds asked but he'd sit on end of bed and read or next to him but knelt on floor.

His dd was 3 and always wanted me to bath her and put her to bed, brush hair etc. (daddy does rubbish hair brushing apparently)

We have never had any issues all the years down the line

EmpressSuiko · 25/01/2022 16:25

I’m sorry but I also think your friend is right. I wouldn’t even have introduced them to each other yet, at least not in the sense that I was in a relationship with them.
Children need stability and there’s also safeguarding issues here. I think your boyfriend needs to take a step bag and you need to look at this from a different perspective.

CannelloniMacaroni · 25/01/2022 16:25

I think this is a reverse, but the friend is obviously right.

Original poster
qwerty1129 · 25/01/2022 16:26

We've been together for 16 months and before we into a relationship he would occasionally come on days out with me and DS.

He didn't offer to do bedtime, DS always asks him for a story whenever he's over. I don't think he fell asleep on purpose and he did come back downstairs when he woke up

OP posts: