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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my friend is being ridiculous?

357 replies

qwerty1129 · 25/01/2022 15:41

DS is 5, 6 next week and I've been with my boyfriend for over a year but he doesn't live with us yet, he stays over a few nights a week and he always puts DS to bed when he does (DS asks).

On Saturday, my friend was here and so was my boyfriend. Boyfriend went to put DS to bed and I was with my friend, he had been a while so I went upstairs and he was asleep with DS cuddled up to him so I let them sleep.

I told my friend and she said it was ‘weird’ and I shouldn't let DS get attached to boyfriend as he isn't his real dad and he sees his dad (only once a month, sometimes not at all so he sees boyfriend more often).

Aibu here or is my friend being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Loveisthere · 25/01/2022 17:13

Oh no op this is wrong your friend is right stop it now

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 25/01/2022 17:14

@Verbena17

I don’t quite understand the a year isn’t ‘one enough. In theory, the OP could have met her boyfriend and married him 3 weeks later....in which case, I’d assume that whilst the DS wouldn’t know the husband very well, but they’d be sharing a house and parental responsibility.
And that would be hugely inappropriate and a massive red flag.
Verbena17 · 25/01/2022 17:14

girlmom21. Parental responsibility as in would probably cook him meals and take them to school/park etc.

The OP would hardly share a home with her child and new husband and not expect/allow the new husband to not lift a finger to help with the DS.

oviraptor21 · 25/01/2022 17:15

Seems OK to me as long as he's not in the same bed. He didn't mean to fall asleep. I also think it's OK to give him cuddles, just like it would be OK for an uncle or similar as long as DS wants this.

I think it's lovely that your DS feels that secure with him that he requests the story. Be alert for any change in what your DS asks for.

girlmom21 · 25/01/2022 17:15

@Verbena17

girlmom21. Parental responsibility as in would probably cook him meals and take them to school/park etc.

The OP would hardly share a home with her child and new husband and not expect/allow the new husband to not lift a finger to help with the DS.

But it would be preposterous to marry someone so soon when there are young children to consider. Their marital status would make no difference to how irresponsible this is.
RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 25/01/2022 17:16

@Musmerian

I don’t agree. Children form relationships easily and if this is a stable relationship it’s a good thing. People on Mumsnet have so many oddball views about the world.
‘IF’ it’s a stable relationship. You say it yourself. ‘If’.

It’s still new - and exactly as you say - children form relationships easily.

So a child gets close to someone, the couple split, and who’s left upset and missing the person they’ve formed a relationship with? The child….!

How are you not getting it?

worriedatthemoment · 25/01/2022 17:16

In some peoples minds its too soon in others not some people have a child with someone within a year of knowing them and many will leave there child with a babysitter
Its your call to make really but always be careful as yes another father figure leaving can be tough

DoubleShotEspresso · 25/01/2022 17:17

Sounds like a good friend OP.

She's 100% right. Your judgement and boundaries is way off here, no way should this be happening.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 25/01/2022 17:17

No. Far too much. He shouldn't be cuddled up in bed with your child. He should know that's inappropriate and you should be setting better boundaries to protect your child.

user1958493 · 25/01/2022 17:18

I hope for your child's sake that you listen to what people on here are saying.

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 25/01/2022 17:19

@oviraptor21

Seems OK to me as long as he's not in the same bed. He didn't mean to fall asleep. I also think it's OK to give him cuddles, just like it would be OK for an uncle or similar as long as DS wants this.

I think it's lovely that your DS feels that secure with him that he requests the story. Be alert for any change in what your DS asks for.

He is in the same bed.
maggiemuff · 25/01/2022 17:19

Your friend is right. Whilst your boyfriend might be a lovely man with good intentions your child only has you to protect him. Why can't your boyfriend read the book downstairs with you there in the room.

worriedatthemoment · 25/01/2022 17:22

@RussiasGreatestLoveMachine is an 18 month relationship still new ? Especially if they know each other beforehand, many people are married in that time or have a dc together
Yes there are abusive people around but these can also be a family member or friend you have known for years its not so black and white and OP knew him as a friend before as well

Wafflesnsniffles · 25/01/2022 17:24

Story, playing downstairs in the lounge etc fine.
cuddling up in ds bed nooooooooo

Your friend is right.

worriedatthemoment · 25/01/2022 17:26

@hairymorag she said he wAs already a friend at least read the OP before criticising

PrayingandHoping · 25/01/2022 17:26

A story is one thing and fine.

But how did that turn to in bed cuddling your son to sleep?

I'm sorry but your friend is right. He's not related to your son. He shouldn't be in bed cuddling him.

Suretobe · 25/01/2022 17:27

We were at a friend’s for dinner and our friend (boyfriend) put his girlfriend’s daughter to bed including reading her a story and falling asleep beside her. We thought nothing of it at all. Except to think she was up super late and obviously exhausted, yet her mum made zero move to put her to bed.
My partner did wake him up to drag him back to the table!

Suretobe · 25/01/2022 17:27

(Daughter is 6)

worriedatthemoment · 25/01/2022 17:28

Yet many on here will hire a nanny who will have sole charge of a child unsupervised , oh yes they may dbs checked but so could the OP boyfriend as part of his job
That only means not known of
In this day and age you need to be careful of course

Tdcp · 25/01/2022 17:28

Taking out the whole thing of child safeguarding, the kid seems very attached to someone who op has only been in a relationship with for 16 months, that in itself is enough reason to be concerned, without all the added possibilities. My mum had a lot of middling-term boyfriends and it did screw me up in a lot of ways if I'm honest.

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 25/01/2022 17:29

I’m now assuming the DP lugs rocks for a living, to fall asleep at 7 or 8pm….

JuergenSchwarzwald · 25/01/2022 17:30

I don't think your friend is being ridiculous, but I think the pile-on here that a man cuddles a child he knows well must be dodgy is a little extreme.

But - a great number of abuse cases are by step-fathers/mothers' boyfriends (although I suspect in the vast majority of cases that they are also abusing the mother in some way too).

I would more worried about you splitting up and the upset that would cause your son.

I don't think your friend was wrong to flag the issue. But ultimately you know him and your child.

JazzHandsYeah · 25/01/2022 17:31

You’ve got a good friend there, I don’t think she’s being ridiculous at all. YABU

EarringsandLipstick · 25/01/2022 17:31

Friend is 100% right. You are creating a dependency based on (in terms of your DC) a short relationship.

It makes it so much harder if you split up.

It's the emotional upheaval, potentially, that would concern me.

tootiredtospeak · 25/01/2022 17:32

I think its fine to put him to bed. Read him a story ect but to cuddle up together and fall asleep seems a bit too much. My current DP met my son when he was 6 and did join in with bed times read the story sometimes. What your saying is too personal and could easily be misconstrued. Your protecting him and DS by not letting this happen.