To think that my friend is being ridiculous?

[qwerty1129]

DS is 5, 6 next week and I've been with my boyfriend for over a year but he doesn't live with us yet, he stays over a few nights a week and he always puts DS to bed when he does (DS asks).

On Saturday, my friend was here and so was my boyfriend. Boyfriend went to put DS to bed and I was with my friend, he had been a while so I went upstairs and he was asleep with DS cuddled up to him so I let them sleep.

I told my friend and she said it was ‘weird’ and I shouldn't let DS get attached to boyfriend as he isn't his real dad and he sees his dad (only once a month, sometimes not at all so he sees boyfriend more often).

Aibu here or is my friend being ridiculous?

Yikes. I’m very surprised you needed your friend to point out the inappropriateness of this to you. Your maternal instincts should be screaming at you that it is very abnormal that a man would willingly be completely alone in a bedroom and fall asleep with someone else’s small child.

Hugely inappropriate.

I can't believe you think this is okay

Yeah… no. It’s not necessary or appropriate. Your friend is right.

I think if it were a female friend putting your son to bed, nobody would mind

Maybe it’s got something to do with the stone cold fact that almost 100% of the people that sexual assault children are men? Mainly men who are ‘known’ and trusted by the mother/family?

With all due respect….you can’t say that anybody “wouldn’t” ever. Wether you are with somebody for 12 months or 12 years. Nobody really knows anybody. 9 times out of 10 you only ever really know what people wants you to know.

Same goes with the relationship breaking down….it would be just as hard (harder!!!) for a child to adjust to a break up if the relationship is 12 years long..

I’m not sure I even have an opinion on OP’s personal situation, however, I think it’s really unhealthy to have this negative mindset.

Would everyone who say 'no' say same about the actual father? As pp stated, men who are known to family are the most likely to hurt children, but no one ever doubts a dads involvement. Sounds like OPs partner has stepped into stepfather role well, and in real life no one i know would think like all the posters on here do

@NotQuiteHere

I don’t think putting to bed by a non related person (such as Ford , babysitter, whichever gender) is an issue in itself but getting INTO bed with a child is another level of intimacy in my option, only reserved for the parent

First, we don't know if getting INTO bed happened. It may well be that the guy was sitting on the chair next to the bed.

Second, if parent is ok, then so must be a grandparent, an aunt, an older sibling etc

It is up to the OP to decide, nobody else.

You clearly didn’t read OP post

Firstly, they did in fact fell sleep together

Secodnly, no, aunties and grandparents are not ok either - I don’t know about you but neither me nor my sister ever shared a bed with ayone else but our mum if we had a bad dream at night.

Yabu and flippant with your son's safety. After only a year they should just start to be introduced now! How well can you really know somebody after a year?

Your friend is right.

For two reasons:

It’s a short term relationship and too early for your DS to be bonding with a man who may not be a constant.

A recent study indicated that 1/6 girls had been abused by their stepfather.

So how did you meet this man? Did you know him before you had a child? Seems odd he was going on days out with you and your DS before you started dating. Has he always shown a keen interest in getting to know your DC? I think you need to educate yourself around risky behaviours from adults before allowing a boyfriend to fall asleep in your sons bed. There is a risk you have been groomed to allow access to your vulnerable DC. Guard is down and now your DS asking for stories etc means you think its all safe.

Not saying your partner is a paedophile but I would be having a word with my friend is she was allowing what you are.

Yabu

are you going to put an end to him being around your son unsupervised or at tbe very least create some distance/boundaries?
It kind of seems like you’re making excuses. Has anyone made you think this is probably not a good idea?

Trust your gut, if it was a woman everyone would be saying aw cute

Truthfully I’d have seriously considered phoning social services after I left your house if I were your friend and I’m not even kidding.

OP - you have come on here to ask if you’re being unreasonable.

It’s quite clear you don’t think you are. 98% of people are telling you you are, and the couple that have said it’s fine are probably also the type to rush into a ‘happy families’ scenario themselves, prioritising their new (because it is) relationship over the long-term wellbeing of their children.

The only person who stands to be really hurt by what’s happening here is your DS.

A little bit of self-reflection, maybe?

Your friend is right.

Not sure about the UK, but statistics from the States show that abuse of a child is 40 times more likely to occur at the hands of a mother’s boyfriend.

I’m sure your boyfriend is a lovely guy, but you need to be hyper-vigilant for the sake of your child.

@SE123

Trust your gut, if it was a woman everyone would be saying aw cute

Do you let women in your 5 year old sons bed?

I don’t quite understand the a year isn’t ‘one enough.
In theory, the OP could have met her boyfriend and married him 3 weeks later....in which case, I’d assume that whilst the DS wouldn’t know the husband very well, but they’d be sharing a house and parental responsibility.

@Verbena17

I don’t quite understand the a year isn’t ‘one enough. In theory, the OP could have met her boyfriend and married him 3 weeks later....in which case, I’d assume that whilst the DS wouldn’t know the husband very well, but they’d be sharing a house and parental responsibility.

And that would be incredibly irresponsible. A year still wouldn't be enough. And marrying someone doesn't give you parental responsibility for their child.

And my post above isn’t saying not to be wary, it’s saying that time isn’t a factor.

I don’t agree. Children form relationships easily and if this is a stable relationship it’s a good thing. People on Mumsnet have so many oddball views about the world.

@Lazypuppy

Would everyone who say 'no' say same about the actual father? As pp stated, men who are known to family are the most likely to hurt children, but no one ever doubts a dads involvement. Sounds like OPs partner has stepped into stepfather role well, and in real life no one i know would think like all the posters on here do

You do realise that ‘known to the family’ almost always means - step-father, uncle, grandfather, family friend?

It doesn’t usually mean ‘actual parent’.

@Verbena17

I don’t quite understand the a year isn’t ‘one enough. In theory, the OP could have met her boyfriend and married him 3 weeks later....in which case, I’d assume that whilst the DS wouldn’t know the husband very well, but they’d be sharing a house and parental responsibility.

She could. Having a man she barely knows in her child's life would be an equally bad idea, regardless of their marital status.