To think that my friend is being ridiculous?

[qwerty1129]

DS is 5, 6 next week and I've been with my boyfriend for over a year but he doesn't live with us yet, he stays over a few nights a week and he always puts DS to bed when he does (DS asks).

On Saturday, my friend was here and so was my boyfriend. Boyfriend went to put DS to bed and I was with my friend, he had been a while so I went upstairs and he was asleep with DS cuddled up to him so I let them sleep.

I told my friend and she said it was ‘weird’ and I shouldn't let DS get attached to boyfriend as he isn't his real dad and he sees his dad (only once a month, sometimes not at all so he sees boyfriend more often).

Aibu here or is my friend being ridiculous?

I’m in agreement with the majority of posters on this thread. This is how grooming looks; we’re not saying that it’s necessarily what’s happening here, but there are clear red flags. Including the fact that the OP’s DS is asking for her bf to put him to bed.

And yes, abusers can be very convincing. My DSis and I were sexually abused by our F. She thought him to be a wonderful father because he was very hands on, particularly in the bedtime routine. She only found out a few years ago, long after he passed away, and it was totally devastating for her. (And we’re both badly damaged as a result.)

The undertone of the boyfriend being a child abuser on this thread is quiet shocking though.

That doesn't make it inaccurate or untrue though. During my childhood, Rolf Harris and Jimmy Savile were seen as good guys, children's entertainers, people who did good work for charity. But they weren't, were they? They were hiding in plain sight. So many people have been abused. Pretending it's rare or unusual isn't helpful.

Added to which, whatever this man is up to, it's part of the OP's job as a parent to teach her child about boundaries. So he needs to know that he can say no to adults he's not related to curling up in bed with him. And under some circumstances that wouldn't be appropriate with relatives either. He needs to understand the complexities of relationships and how important it is for him to have bodily autonomy. Whether or not the OP's partner has good intentions is besides the point - the OP is failing to teach her child about safety.

The undertone of the boyfriend being a child abuser on this thread is quiet shocking though.

It shouldn't be.

It's exactly how I would think.

You honestly think women, and those responsible for children's safety, don't HAVE to think like that?

Look around you. Then ask if you would take a chance with your child.

No one is saying that OP shouldn't have partners, relationships, her own life.

They ARE saying - you keep your child safely out of it until you are damn sure about him and you have time built up to prove this, and you supervise. None of that should be hard.

@oviraptor21

I've got friends that I've known for 20+ years, I still wouldn't want them cuddling my son to sleep. It's about boundaries.

Nor relatives either? Babysitters? Nannies?

Never used a babysitting service in my life and never would. At any rate, a babysitter shouldn't be cuddling the child to sleep.

Relatives don't do it either. I don't want DS thinking it's fine for just anyone to get into his bed and cuddle him. Only myself or his father have ever done it.

Surely if a child has been brought up to understand boundaries and communicate any doubts, a trusted friend should not be viewed as a potential threat? Snuggles like this are, or should be, among the joys of childhood.

@Alcemeg

Surely if a child has been brought up to understand boundaries and communicate any doubts, a trusted friend should not be viewed as a potential threat? Snuggles like this are, or should be, among the joys of childhood.

What makes you think this child has been brought up with good boundaries?

Why are you putting the responsibility onto the child?

I despair. Again another thread where it's clear people have moved too quick.

YABU. Your friend js right.

@Alcemeg

Surely if a child has been brought up to understand boundaries and communicate any doubts, a trusted friend should not be viewed as a potential threat? Snuggles like this are, or should be, among the joys of childhood.

A 5 year old does not understand these things. It's up to the adults to act appropriately.

From a child sexual abuse survivor please, please safeguard your child.

Also your boyfriend should not be putting himself in a situation where he could be accused of abuse.

And please believe your child if they disclose anything to you.

You and your boyfriend need to get some boundaries. Please protect your child, he is relying on you to do so. He deserves protection from potential abuse.

YABU and your friend is right. I am disturbed that your bf is putting your child to bed and even more so that he was asleep in the same bed as him. Please, please put a stop to it and do the night time routine yourself. You could let your bf read your DC a story with you present but everything else should be done by you alone. Your bf might be perfectly innocent but the being in bed asleep with your DC is a red flag to me. Please put your child first and take over from today onwards!

fucking yikes. your friend is right, listen to her

I wouldn't even introduce someone to my children as my boyfriend after a year. Your friends heartbisnun the right place.

@Alcemeg

Surely if a child has been brought up to understand boundaries and communicate any doubts, a trusted friend should not be viewed as a potential threat? Snuggles like this are, or should be, among the joys of childhood.

Snuggles with new men in mummy's life? Snuggles with swim coaches, and sporting coaches, and teachers, also?

The fact the OP is miffed and incredulous that her friend pointed out this is not a good idea suggests this child will not have been modeled boundaries at all.

@milkyaqua
This was hardly a "new man" or a random stranger.

[quote Alcemeg]@milkyaqua
This was hardly a "new man" or a random stranger.[/quote]
It is new in terms of introduction to small children who may become easily attached. Usually, considerate parents wait a fair while before introducing a new partner to such children. They certainly don't have the doing bedtime rituals or curling up in bed with them.

A woman I knew vaguely had a relationship with a young, handsome, gentle-seeming and intelligent man. He molested her little children. When she threw him out and told everyone she could, no-one seemed to believe her. He then moved in with another woman in that circle, and molested her toddlers. She couldn't cope and killed herself after she found out.

This and many memories of my own informs my comment.

@milkyaqua
Ugh, of course I know these dreadful things happen. We all have the stories about the woman we knew vaguely who... etc etc etc. It's just that if we allow the sickness of perverts to dictate everything we do in life, they win, don't they? There must be better approaches than a blanket ban on all contact. I'd hate to deprive my child of genuine snuggles on the basis that there are certainly some maniacs around.

Re kids getting attached, I can understand that a rapid succession of "daddys" isn't the best idea, but I don't understand this "ah, but you must wait xxx years before introducing them" because no one can guarantee the outcome of any relationship, can they? (Even with the original "daddy"?!) It reminds me a bit of my dad refusing to let us have pets when we were kids, on the basis that it would be too upsetting for us if a much-loved animal died. There's an argument for that being a good way for children to learn about death... and maybe, along similar lines, there is no harm in learning about how human relationships can change over time (handled maturely, obvs). Over-protection can result in a kind of sterile isolation.

I think the most useful thing we can show our kids is not to pretend that life is simple and easy, but to maintain emotional stability in the face of all the difficult and unpredictable challenges that arise.

We all have the stories about the woman we knew vaguely who...

Actually, I'm just trying to maintain a level of privacy over the internet.

I don't think we do all "have the stories"... Clearly all the women minimising this behaviour by the OP's boyfriend do not have any idea of the potential for this sort of thing, or the prevalence of it.

It's just that if we allow the sickness of perverts to dictate everything we do in life, they win, don't they?

Well no, they don't.
They win if we let them molest our children. Not if we keep our children safe.

YABU - friend is spot on.

Completely inappropriate l, also find it odd that he prefers a man of 16 months to put him to bed instead of his mum and primary caregiver.

It reminds me a bit of my dad refusing to let us have pets when we were kids, on the basis that it would be too upsetting for us if a much-loved animal died.
It's not even vaguely the same. Apart from 'child doesn't get what child asked for'. It's not the same as not letting them climb a tree in case they fall out.

Adults don't go to bed with children unless they are their parents. Or at least their primary care givers. You don't blur lines like that.

"Surely if a child has been brought up to understand boundaries and communicate any doubts, a trusted friend should not be viewed as a potential threat? Snuggles like this are, or should be, among the joys of childhood."

And you don't put the responsibility of not being molested by an adult in a child. Are you saying there is no such thing as grooming? Are you saying a child should push past a man who tries to get in his bed in his own bedroom in his own home and race to tell his mother! And if he doesn't he wasn't listening when he was being taught about boundaries?

I'd not freak out about it being creepy, but I would think it's not ok for your DS to bond with your boyfriend so closely after less than 2 years. If you break up he will feel bereft, he should be shielded from that by not getting too close

There must be better approaches than a blanket ban on all contact. I'd hate to deprive my child of genuine snuggles on the basis that there are certainly some maniacs around.

It's not a blanket ban. And no-one's depriving him of snuggles. He can snuggle with his actual parents. What he shouldn't be doing is snuggling with his mum's boyfriend. This isn't a hardship. It's a way to teach him to have boundaries and a sense of his own bodily autonomy. Not only will he then be able to avoid any maniacs, he'll also be able to deal with the common or garden creeps, of which there are many. He'll have a better respect for the bodily autonomy of others as well.

Why such binary thinking? Why the assumption that ensuring appropriate behaviour from the boyfriend is somehow depriving this child of something? It's not that there are just a few maniacs and everyone else is fine. There are many points in between those two states and it helps to be able to spot what you're dealing with and put measures in place to stay safe.

@girlmom21

It's just that if we allow the sickness of perverts to dictate everything we do in life, they win, don't they?

Well no, they don't.
They win if we let them molest our children. Not if we keep our children safe.

Once again for those of the hard of thinking persuasion

Stop letting men who are not your childrens father into their lives!!! Please stop.

Good men exist that can help raise children who aren't their own.