How would you feel if your DH texted this to a friend?

[Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm]

Before I go on I wasn't snooping! We have a load of old phones in a draw and I was going through them to recycle them. Some of them have been used by both me and DH in the past at various times. I was looking at what was on them to make sure they were wiped and to do so if not

When I opened the texts on one of them the very first conversation was one between DH and his friend. I saw the word 'wife' so naturally wanted to know what was being said about me, thinking it'd be something either innocent or sweet and having no reason to think otherwise. Yes I know I shouldn't have read on and I know I'm wrong for doing so but the curiosity got the better of me, but feel free to judge because I know it was wrong

What DH had actually said was "you need to get a wife, all your meals cooked for you and always available for sex"

His friend replied saying DH should be more respectful as I'm lovely (aw) and that was the end of the conversation. The conversation was from 2018. We've been together for 17 years, married 15 and I've never heard him speak like this before

If you saw this would you just think it was blokey banter or be worried that's how he really saw you? Would it bother you? I can't help feeling a bit let down if I'm honest. I didn't read through anything else so I've no idea if he talks like this alot. And honestly DH is not the blokey bantery sort, he's very quiet and reserved

So YABU - blokey banter, think no more of it, I'm overreacting or YANBU - it's a bit disappointing and feeling a bit sad about it is understandable

That's pretty disgusting.

Why is it okay if it’s blokey banter?

It’s vile misogyny

YABU for saying draw instead of drawer
Your DH IBU for being a misogynistic arse

Start making jokes about only having a dh to put the bins out...

Well, doesn't show much love there does it?

I’d see it as blokey banter, but I’d feel a bit let down nonetheless because it’s disrespectful and sounds twattish.

His mate on the other hand, would go up in my opinion

I would take it as blokey banter myself.
Shit blokey banter

I couldn't find the energy to get particularly worked up about it. I know I'll probably get abuse but YABU.

I thought you were going to say he'd been sexting your friend.

I would imagine it was a joke … from 4 years ago.

Rather than worry about it, reflect on how he actually treats you, do you have a happy an equitable relationship ?

Personally, it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, I’ve probably said similar about my husband to my girlfriends.

If this is the biggest issue in your relationship, you are probably doing quite well.

It's not great, is it?

You've been with him 17 years.
I'd presume you have a pretty good idea if he's a misogynist prick who doesn't respect you or not. Bit weird if you don't 🤷🏼‍♀️

YABU for saying draw instead of drawer

Oh bloody hell so I did

What is his friend like? Sounds like a better option to be honest...

You should leave him and go off with his friend - he sounds nice at least

I would think it's just an ill thought out statement but be a little annoyed he'd said it.
If its very not him, I'd let it go, if it plays on your mind, mention what you'd been doing and what you'd come across and ask him if it's how he really feels. If it's not typical behaviour of him, he probably won't even remember and will be a bit mortified.

I suppose it depends what went before and if you do actually fill that role for him.

I couldn’t worry about this.
Do you cook for him (and he returns the favour) and do you have a mutually enjoyable sex life?
If so, then it sounds like excellent advice for his friend!

If you have a good relationship and he is kind and respectful towards you, don’t go looking for trouble.
Alternatively, pull him up on it and have a discussion about how you feel. I’m sure he’d apologise is he’s a decent man.

It was one text, four years ago. I wouldn’t be going amateur dramatics about it. If you’ve been together so long, just ask him?

I'll probably get shot down for being a "cool wife" 🙄 or some other mn garbage, but it sounds like a jokey comment that wasn't particularly well thought through. It isn't anything I'd deem horrendously rude, it wasn't a horrible attack on your character or similar, it just sounds like a joke to a friend. I'd probably say similar to my friends - get a husband, always takes the bins out, back rubs on tap and brings home the money!

Leave your husband, shack up with the friend.

I'd be incredibly annoyed that he was familiarising your and his sex life together with a friend. Of course the friend knows you have sex but your DH doesn't need to be explicit about it. It's almost like he's saying 'look at me, I have a lovely wife with whom I have sex'. He sounds immature in that respect.

Wouldn't bother me. It sounds like wishful thinking anyway, as I take it you are not providing quite the 24/7 services he describes.

Yanbu either way, “blokey banter” is grim and is an attempt at wrapping up misogyny as a joke that women couldn’t possibly understand at best and pure toxic at worst.

Pretty even so far

Yes I do think the comment was misogynistic and no he doesn't really act that way on the whole. He is quite old fashion wrt women's roles though, he's never learned to cook or cooked a meal for example which is why the comment about meals hit home a bit

But he doesn't use sexist language or anything like that

I do feel like it was a crappy attempt at being blokey and one of the lads which is odd because neither him or his friend are like that at all. But it still made me feel a bit yuck and wonder of on some level that's how he thinks of me

Obviously I can't have it out with him because I've read something that I wasn't meant to read and he'd have every right to be pissed off!

At least his mate sounds decent and called him out on his misogyny. Sounds like your DH doesn't really respect you though