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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your DH texted this to a friend?

207 replies

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 16:51

Before I go on I wasn't snooping! We have a load of old phones in a draw and I was going through them to recycle them. Some of them have been used by both me and DH in the past at various times. I was looking at what was on them to make sure they were wiped and to do so if not

When I opened the texts on one of them the very first conversation was one between DH and his friend. I saw the word 'wife' so naturally wanted to know what was being said about me, thinking it'd be something either innocent or sweet and having no reason to think otherwise. Yes I know I shouldn't have read on and I know I'm wrong for doing so but the curiosity got the better of me, but feel free to judge because I know it was wrong

What DH had actually said was "you need to get a wife, all your meals cooked for you and always available for sex"

His friend replied saying DH should be more respectful as I'm lovely (aw) and that was the end of the conversation. The conversation was from 2018. We've been together for 17 years, married 15 and I've never heard him speak like this before

If you saw this would you just think it was blokey banter or be worried that's how he really saw you? Would it bother you? I can't help feeling a bit let down if I'm honest. I didn't read through anything else so I've no idea if he talks like this alot. And honestly DH is not the blokey bantery sort, he's very quiet and reserved

So YABU - blokey banter, think no more of it, I'm overreacting or YANBU - it's a bit disappointing and feeling a bit sad about it is understandable

OP posts:
JigglyPiggly · 23/01/2022 17:44

Well he wouldn't be a DH if he thought a woman's job was to cook so YABU for seeing him for what he is and being surprised about that text

You married a misogynist, why are you suppressed when he acts like one?

Blessex · 23/01/2022 17:44

Oh this is blokey banter. Ignore

Ourlady · 23/01/2022 17:45

I would definitely tell him I’d seen the text. You said yourself they were shared phones and you weren’t being sneaky just trying to sort them out.
It would piss me off him not even bothering to try to cook. What would he do if you died? Find himself another wife immediately to satisfy him sexually and cook all his meals!

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 23/01/2022 17:47

I reckon it's an attempt at blokey banter that he misjudged. Using outdated stereotyping and misogyny Hmm.

I found a text from my DP to someone he knew making a comment about having to meet my family for the first time. It pissed me off a lot as he'd not been pushed into it in any way. It was clearly a blokey attempt as my DP doesn't speak like that and he has Aspergers so doesn't really know the right thing to say.
His mate replied saying it was about time he pulled himself together and made more of an effort for me and he should be at the point of wanting to become part of my family. The mate went up hugely in my estimations and it cheered me up knowing my DP had his arse handed to him for making that stupid comment.

I think in your case, OP, I'd probably mention it and say you'd found a phone with the message on and ask him to explain what the hell he was thinking and that he'd better not actually have held that view.

Original poster
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 17:47

Thing is I'd never say to a friend "you should get married, all your bills paid and sex on tap" which I suppose would be the equivalent. Even as a joke. We're both in our 40s and joking about having sex seems a bit juvenile apart from anything else if that makes sense? Not to mention it's private and I feel uncomfortable with it being discussed. Whats odd is that he's a really private person too so that was another reason I found it strange

I'm sort of wishing I'd read all the texts on the phone now but I reset it!

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 23/01/2022 17:48

you need to get a wife, all your meals cooked for you and always available for sex"

I voted YABU.
This is how a lot of men think but the reality is that in this day and age you do not have all of your meals cooked and women aren’t always available for sex, so I would say it was a joke.

watchingrnfire · 23/01/2022 17:48

Stop making his meals.

I hate that men expect this. Which is why when I got married I set boundaries. We both cook, it is not expected that he comes home to cooked food.

Mumoblue · 23/01/2022 17:49
Hmm

Surprised that people think your husband being misogynistic about you is fine if it’s “blokey banter” 🤮

It would really piss me off and I’d be expecting a sincere apology.

coop36 · 23/01/2022 17:53

My husband cooks all my meals and would hit the roof if I spoke about him in such demeaning terms

i don't think it's quite hit the roof comment.

KittyKattyFosterMummy · 23/01/2022 17:57

I'd think he was trying to be funny, but then I often say "Husbands eh? Can't live with 'em, can't open pickle jars without 'em!" I can open pickle jars by the way, it's just a flippant joke! I guess it really depends on the kind of relationship you have with your DH, whether it's a jokey one or not.

coop36 · 23/01/2022 17:57

His mate replied saying it was about time he pulled himself together and made more of an effort for me and he should be at the point of wanting to become part of my family. The mate went up hugely in my estimations and it cheered me up knowing my DP had his arse handed to him for making that stupid comment

i don't think what your dp said was stupid nor did he deserve to get his ass handed to him and the friend sounds like a patronising dick. Some people are just introvert and are terrible at meeting new people. It wasn't personal to you or your family.

AhNowTed · 23/01/2022 18:04

@coop36

My husband cooks all my meals and would hit the roof if I spoke about him in such demeaning terms

i don't think it's quite hit the roof comment.

Judging by your reply to another poster, and this reply to me, I won't be taking any advice from you. Your standards on what's acceptable in a relationship seem very low.

Original poster
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 18:06

I think the fact there was a grain of truth there (that I do cook all his meals for him) is what bothered me. If we shared that equally or he even cooked sometimes it would've sounded more like a throwaway comment. So it sounds like it's his opinion based on fact if you see what I mean? Or at least partially

Like if he'd said "get a wife, all your socks darned" or whatever it wouldn't have felt so personal because that's not a thing I do. If that makes any sense!

OP posts:
BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 23/01/2022 18:06

It makes your marriage sound transactional, but then again a lot of marriages are totally transactional.

Nancydrawn · 23/01/2022 18:07

I'm not sure I'd continue to be a stay at home mom with a partner who viewed my contributions as either negligible, mockable, or inevitable.

Actually, my guess, OP, is that he does respect you as an individual. And if it's out of character, he probably felt really chastened by what his friend said. Nevertheless, I think it's predicated on a gut, basic level that doesn't fully respect women, or at least not "women's work." Doesn't mean he doesn't respect individual women (including you), but that there's part of him that doesn't truly view women as equal or as partners.

It's up to you whether you talk to him or not. I'm not giving any advice in that direction. But I know that for me, it'd fester until I'd talked to him. And it would certainly inform how I thought about the divide of normal household responsibilities.

danascully96 · 23/01/2022 18:09

No decent man I’ve ever known has spoken like that to his friends. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for men not to hold such disgusting thoughts about women even in jest.

JigglyPiggly · 23/01/2022 18:11

@Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I think the fact there was a grain of truth there (that I do cook all his meals for him) is what bothered me. If we shared that equally or he even cooked sometimes it would've sounded more like a throwaway comment. So it sounds like it's his opinion based on fact if you see what I mean? Or at least partially

Like if he'd said "get a wife, all your socks darned" or whatever it wouldn't have felt so personal because that's not a thing I do. If that makes any sense!

He sees the entire comment as truth

That's the issue

To him you're nothing more than a cook and cleaner he gets to fuck when he wants.

Raise your standards

underneaththeash · 23/01/2022 18:12

Meh. wouldn't bother me. I like cooking and sex.

AhNowTed · 23/01/2022 18:16

@Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I think the fact there was a grain of truth there (that I do cook all his meals for him) is what bothered me. If we shared that equally or he even cooked sometimes it would've sounded more like a throwaway comment. So it sounds like it's his opinion based on fact if you see what I mean? Or at least partially

Like if he'd said "get a wife, all your socks darned" or whatever it wouldn't have felt so personal because that's not a thing I do. If that makes any sense!

Yes I get it. It also reeks of him taking your contributions completely for granted. And mocking them. Hard to explain but yes I'd feel disparaged and belittled.

KatyRebecca84 · 23/01/2022 18:16

Sounds like a joke. Wouldn’t bother me..

Justilou1 · 23/01/2022 18:17

Honestly, he’d be sorting himself out for meals and sex until he’d sorted out his attitude. (After I’d explained that I’d found the phone and message of course.)

SunshineInMyTea · 23/01/2022 18:18

I have no patience for men’s ”banter”.

YANBU

Also, I know MN is pretty full of women with low standards when it comes to men, but I always find myself suprised when they pop-up in comments.

Men of course are responsable of their behaviour, but if women keep dating the problematic one’s, how the hell is anything going get better?

blyn72 · 23/01/2022 18:18

@Keepitonthedownlow

YABU for saying draw instead of drawer Your DH IBU for being a misogynistic arse
That.
StanleyGreen · 23/01/2022 18:20

@Keepitonthedownlow

YABU for saying draw instead of drawer Your DH IBU for being a misogynistic arse
If you're going to be a pedant about grammar, you may consider adding full stops to your own sentences.
Buildingthefuture · 23/01/2022 18:20

Would depend how my relationship was in general. If he’s a good guy over all, I’d be a bit “meh” about it and write it off as juvenile, man shite.
If he’s a dick in every day life, that would be a different matter. I work almost solely with men and have done for 25+ years. The SHITE they come out with is unbelievable, but, anecdotally, the ones who chat this type of shit are the ones who are the most subservient to their wives when it comes to the works Christmas party and who wouldn’t ever dream of saying it when she could hear…..they know what they have to lose, but they also want to be “one of the lads” (yawn) I long ago formed the belief that most men stop maturing at around 15 yrs old. Nothing in the last 25+ years has changed my opinion!