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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your DH texted this to a friend?

207 replies

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 16:51

Before I go on I wasn't snooping! We have a load of old phones in a draw and I was going through them to recycle them. Some of them have been used by both me and DH in the past at various times. I was looking at what was on them to make sure they were wiped and to do so if not

When I opened the texts on one of them the very first conversation was one between DH and his friend. I saw the word 'wife' so naturally wanted to know what was being said about me, thinking it'd be something either innocent or sweet and having no reason to think otherwise. Yes I know I shouldn't have read on and I know I'm wrong for doing so but the curiosity got the better of me, but feel free to judge because I know it was wrong

What DH had actually said was "you need to get a wife, all your meals cooked for you and always available for sex"

His friend replied saying DH should be more respectful as I'm lovely (aw) and that was the end of the conversation. The conversation was from 2018. We've been together for 17 years, married 15 and I've never heard him speak like this before

If you saw this would you just think it was blokey banter or be worried that's how he really saw you? Would it bother you? I can't help feeling a bit let down if I'm honest. I didn't read through anything else so I've no idea if he talks like this alot. And honestly DH is not the blokey bantery sort, he's very quiet and reserved

So YABU - blokey banter, think no more of it, I'm overreacting or YANBU - it's a bit disappointing and feeling a bit sad about it is understandable

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 23/01/2022 20:19

As it is difficult to judge without context, it may have been in reply to a conversation/joke they had in person I would just shrug it off. Especially if he otherwise never had a similar attitude.

DH managed to wipe my texts when trying to install a joint calendar. I texted a friend about something we talked about the day before and in its own I think it looked like I hate DH and would want to leave him immediately.

TheVolturi · 23/01/2022 20:21

I'd not be offended. I'd think it was a shitty bloke joke that missed the mark.

Juniper68 · 23/01/2022 20:23

I'd be getting him to do cooking tbh. Stop being a mug.

RamblinBoy · 23/01/2022 20:23

I think it has hurt YOU op because of your role in your marriage. Other people may be able to brush it off as a shit joke because they know that it isn't really how their DH views them. I wouldn't say that is the same for you.

Part of your role in the home, the marriage, part of your identity is that you do all the cooking. You have obviously accepted that role, and on some level felt valued for it, and for what you brought to the table (literally and metaphorically!). The text is totally dismissive of that and demeaning towards the very valuable and necessary position you have of feeding the bloody bloke! So you feel your role has been totally devalued as it's just 'a wife's job' and he doesn't appreciate YOU and the fact that YOU are doing it for him, because you love him.

That's my take on it anyway. The kernel of truth in it is what hurts, and I'm not surprised.

SquirrelG · 23/01/2022 20:25

If this is the biggest issue in your relationship, you are probably doing quite well.

This. Honestly, why are people so easily offended these days? No wonder there are so many who can't cope with life if this is the sort of thing they obsess over. I coulldn't have cared less if I had read this text - I probably would have had a chuckle myself, but then I am of a generation who didn't take themselves so seriously.

PrincessPaws · 23/01/2022 20:26

@RamblinBoy

I think it has hurt YOU op because of your role in your marriage. Other people may be able to brush it off as a shit joke because they know that it isn't really how their DH views them. I wouldn't say that is the same for you.

Part of your role in the home, the marriage, part of your identity is that you do all the cooking. You have obviously accepted that role, and on some level felt valued for it, and for what you brought to the table (literally and metaphorically!). The text is totally dismissive of that and demeaning towards the very valuable and necessary position you have of feeding the bloody bloke! So you feel your role has been totally devalued as it's just 'a wife's job' and he doesn't appreciate YOU and the fact that YOU are doing it for him, because you love him.

That's my take on it anyway. The kernel of truth in it is what hurts, and I'm not surprised.

Yeah, actually this is a really good point and well articulated
Sheis · 23/01/2022 20:35

Jokey male banter. Women have jokey female banter as well, and slag off men.

aristotlesdeathray · 23/01/2022 20:37

This thread is baffling

This isn't a joke, it's true

He treats the OP like a cook, upholds 'traditional' roles in their marriage and generally seems to not respect the OP

The fact the friend made a point to disagree with this 'joke' shows it's definitely not simple banter

If someone made the same comment but didn't live out this situation it would be a joke, this clearly isn't as he does treat his wife as he said in that message

aristotlesdeathray · 23/01/2022 20:40

@SquirrelG

If this is the biggest issue in your relationship, you are probably doing quite well.

This. Honestly, why are people so easily offended these days? No wonder there are so many who can't cope with life if this is the sort of thing they obsess over. I coulldn't have cared less if I had read this text - I probably would have had a chuckle myself, but then I am of a generation who didn't take themselves so seriously.

But you'd laugh it off because you knew it was lighthearted

This isn't the case for the OP, as it rings true and it shows a general disrespect for his wife.

timeisnotaline · 23/01/2022 20:50

The dads I know with senior jobs still do stuff at home, even if they are a partner in a big consulting firm and never get home in time for dinner on weekdays they do the Sunday roast, for example. Perhaps you need to tell your dh it’s about time he could cook a meal or not. I married young and told dh he needed to be able to cook healthy meals and pull his weight and insisted he learn. What if you got hit by a bus? What happens when you’re ill? I barely cooked for months after having my first baby, it was all dh.

TheGrinchsDog · 23/01/2022 20:54

Sorry @Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

The message would really anger me and on top of that with everything else you've said I actually think your husband isn't nice at all and has some really dodgy views on women.

Personally I couldn't be with someone who thought and treated me so disrespectfully.

You aren't his maid or cook. Your body is not his property.

Benjispruce5 · 23/01/2022 20:54

If everything else is ok I your relationship and he’s not a misogynist then I’d think it’s just a joke.

Benjispruce5 · 23/01/2022 20:55

This is the difficulty with texts, you can’t detect the sarcasm.

CowboyJo · 23/01/2022 20:55

Surprised anyone is voting YABU that kind of talk is degrading 🤢

Benjispruce5 · 23/01/2022 20:57

@CowboyJo if it’s serious, yes. What if it’s a joke?

aristotlesdeathray · 23/01/2022 21:05

@Benjispruce5

If everything else is ok I your relationship and he’s not a misogynist then I’d think it’s just a joke.
At least read the OPs posts if not the entire thread
GrannytoaUnicorn · 23/01/2022 21:07

@Tailsyflugbun

I'd be incredibly annoyed that he was familiarising your and his sex life together with a friend. Of course the friend knows you have sex but your DH doesn't need to be explicit about it. It's almost like he's saying 'look at me, I have a lovely wife with whom I have sex'. He sounds immature in that respect.
Right so you don't discuss your sex life with any of your female friends then, no? It's exactly the same!
CowboyJo · 23/01/2022 21:07

[quote Benjispruce5]@CowboyJo if it’s serious, yes. What if it’s a joke?[/quote]
Joke or not, it's still a dehumanizing thing to say about your own wife Sad

Timeforachange22 · 23/01/2022 21:11

That's terrible! I don't think you're overreacting at all! Honestly couldn't cook a meal or have sex with him again without thinking about it and getting pissed off.

Sunnytwobridges · 23/01/2022 21:11

This would hurt my feelings, especially because my ex actually wanted a relationship just for the sex on tap, cooked meals, and maid/personal assistant reasons. He didn’t really care to connect emotionally or want companionship from his partner.

maddiemookins16mum · 23/01/2022 21:13

Meh. I once said to a friend ‘one of the best bits of having a husband is never having to go into the loft, clear my car, cut the grass or put the bins out’.

MumofPsuedoAdult · 23/01/2022 21:13

YABU for overthinking something that happened 3 years ago if there are no other indicators of an issue

aristotlesdeathray · 23/01/2022 21:14

@maddiemookins16mum

Meh. I once said to a friend ‘one of the best bits of having a husband is never having to go into the loft, clear my car, cut the grass or put the bins out’.
Do you really not see the difference between that and saying to a friend your wife is always available for sex

Worse yet the OPs DH does treat her like a live in cook

Give your head a wobble

CuriousCassie · 23/01/2022 21:17

I'm really surprised at the number of captured women saying "that's just the way things are."

Yuk. No it jolly well isn't.
My partner might say things behind my back (actually I'm not sure he would) but he would never be sexist, or demeaning of women - and least of all, me.
It is only in toxic environments where men are
brought up in very clubbable male circles (men from all backgrounds of society), are allowed to feel proud and special on account of their masculinity, and do not get called out for their bad behaviour by their fellows ( why does the Conservative party come to mind as I write this?) that such language can flourish.
In the OP's post it is clear her DH was not in such an environment because he was called out by his friend.
Good on the friend. The DH however comes out poorly.
It is possible this DH was trying to sound like a Manly Man to impress his friend, but I would be horrified if I found my partner had used such words.
The OP has every right to feel disappointed.
At the very least.
If that were my DH, he would be on cooking duty for the foreseeable future and be lying lone and lorn in bed night after night while a vibrator hummed happily beside him. But maybe that's just me?
YANBU

maddiemookins16mum · 23/01/2022 21:21

@aristotlesdeathray oh please, I bet you never actually use that expression in real life.

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