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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your DH texted this to a friend?

207 replies

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 16:51

Before I go on I wasn't snooping! We have a load of old phones in a draw and I was going through them to recycle them. Some of them have been used by both me and DH in the past at various times. I was looking at what was on them to make sure they were wiped and to do so if not

When I opened the texts on one of them the very first conversation was one between DH and his friend. I saw the word 'wife' so naturally wanted to know what was being said about me, thinking it'd be something either innocent or sweet and having no reason to think otherwise. Yes I know I shouldn't have read on and I know I'm wrong for doing so but the curiosity got the better of me, but feel free to judge because I know it was wrong

What DH had actually said was "you need to get a wife, all your meals cooked for you and always available for sex"

His friend replied saying DH should be more respectful as I'm lovely (aw) and that was the end of the conversation. The conversation was from 2018. We've been together for 17 years, married 15 and I've never heard him speak like this before

If you saw this would you just think it was blokey banter or be worried that's how he really saw you? Would it bother you? I can't help feeling a bit let down if I'm honest. I didn't read through anything else so I've no idea if he talks like this alot. And honestly DH is not the blokey bantery sort, he's very quiet and reserved

So YABU - blokey banter, think no more of it, I'm overreacting or YANBU - it's a bit disappointing and feeling a bit sad about it is understandable

OP posts:
aristotlesdeathray · 23/01/2022 21:22

[quote maddiemookins16mum]@aristotlesdeathray oh please, I bet you never actually use that expression in real life.[/quote]
Thankfully I don't surround myself with numpties irl

You sound very immature

Fatherliamdeliverance · 23/01/2022 21:23

I think the text has brought into focus the way you really feel about your husband's expectations of you, and your role in the marriage in relation to those. And yes, you're well within your rights to feel peeved here. Also, regarding the fact it doesn't sound as though he would even entertain a discussion about amending this to feel more equal.

Of course, as a text itself with zero relevance to how you feel in your marriage, it would be inconsequential but it does correspond to how things are, so it's not inconsequential.

I think you should start having a think about how to alter the balance here so that you feel less taken for granted, and more confident in airing your wishes.

VioletOcean · 23/01/2022 21:31

If it’s true then I wouldn’t be cooking anymore for him, unless he had a job that involved him working down a mine or hard labour work, if he was sat on his arse in an office he can cook his own meals

Benjispruce5 · 23/01/2022 21:37

Only OP knows her relationship and how her DH really feels , acts etc. Tongue in cheek is one thing but the fact you’ve started this thread suggests you’re not sure.

SammyScrounge · 23/01/2022 21:48

[quote OniferousWasp]@AKASammyScrounge surely those are not the only options. Fine they don’t need to “gush about romantic stuff…” but the only alternative cannot be blatant disrespect?[/quote]
Is it blatant disrespect? Or is it just the off hand kind of communication some men use between themselves, not meant to be seen by a wife, nor to be made the object of overanalysis.So long as the man isn't saying things like that to his partner's face, he hasn't done anything wrong.
Might be an idea if the OP doesn'read histexts.

aristotlesdeathray · 23/01/2022 21:52

@SammyScrounge

Have you not bothered to read the OPs posts?

notanothertakeaway · 23/01/2022 22:06

Sounds like it's touched a nerve because, deep down, you fear that is how he sees you

I'm concerned you don't feel able to discuss it with him

Juniper68 · 23/01/2022 22:08

@maddiemookins16mum

Meh. I once said to a friend ‘one of the best bits of having a husband is never having to go into the loft, clear my car, cut the grass or put the bins out’.
I'd be embarrassed.

I can't think of many things, apart from the obvious, that dh and I don't both do.

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 23/01/2022 22:13

A very misogynistic thing to say, yanbu. I'm surprised so many think it's a fine thing to say

ldontWanna · 23/01/2022 22:14

@Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm oh crap, mossed your post where you said you don't feel you can bring it up, even in a jokey way.

Coupled with a few other things you said , joke or not, no wonder you're taking it so personally.

The way he treats you and you feel in the marriage, already has you reduced to just "wifey" in many ways. Seeing that text probably just confirmed that in your head as well as the fact that he's very aware of exactly what he's doing.

I apologise for my previous reply. Being hurt and upset is completely understandable in that situation.

mummykel16 · 23/01/2022 22:14

I don't quite get the need to discuss these things with friends so I would probably feel quite gutted especially if that was best could say about me.

LadyPropane · 23/01/2022 22:24

It's a crass and horrible joke, but it was said years ago in private to a close friend and I'm assuming he's an alright guy generally otherwise you wouldn't be married to him, so I probably wouldn't really care about this.

TooManyPJs · 23/01/2022 22:38

My DH and I make jokes like that all the time. It really depends on the context as to whether it was a funny joke or horrible misogynistic.

CuriousCassie · 23/01/2022 22:39

[quote Benjispruce5]@CowboyJo if it’s serious, yes. What if it’s a joke?[/quote]
Just bants? Really?

I can not believe the number of women in this thread willing to defend the indefensible.

Or who maybe are in stereotyped and toxic relationships themselves? (Until the men they defend decide they want a change of cook and bed companion).

Seems to me the OP is concerned because she sees herself becoming not a person but a role.

And as for the YABU votes... unbelievable.

aristotlesdeathray · 23/01/2022 22:44

@LadyPropane

It's a crass and horrible joke, but it was said years ago in private to a close friend and I'm assuming he's an alright guy generally otherwise you wouldn't be married to him, so I probably wouldn't really care about this.
Read the OPs comments before posting

Will save you looking foolish

LadyPropane · 23/01/2022 23:22

@aristotlesdeathray

At the risk of making myself appear even more "foolish", I have to ask - which part of the OPs posts/updates have made my original comment seem foolish?

DaveGahansRealWife · 23/01/2022 23:31

@CuriousCassie

I'm really surprised at the number of captured women saying "that's just the way things are." Yuk. No it jolly well isn't. My partner might say things behind my back (actually I'm not sure he would) but he would never be sexist, or demeaning of women - and least of all, me. It is only in toxic environments where men are brought up in very clubbable male circles (men from all backgrounds of society), are allowed to feel proud and special on account of their masculinity, and do not get called out for their bad behaviour by their fellows ( why does the Conservative party come to mind as I write this?) that such language can flourish. In the OP's post it is clear her DH was not in such an environment because he was called out by his friend. Good on the friend. The DH however comes out poorly. It is possible this DH was trying to sound like a Manly Man to impress his friend, but I would be horrified if I found my partner had used such words. The OP has every right to feel disappointed. At the very least. If that were my DH, he would be on cooking duty for the foreseeable future and be lying lone and lorn in bed night after night while a vibrator hummed happily beside him. But maybe that's just me? YANBU
As you say "that is just you" - that is your opinion.

Why the bit about "captured women" because they disagree with you? Are they not allowed to have their opinion?

Oh wait it's wrong because it is different from yours. Imagine if these women were to talk about the number of strident harridans there are on here.

CuriousCassie · 23/01/2022 23:46

@DaveGahansRealWife
Dearie me.
Seem to have hit a nerve there haven't I?
Don't worry, you can be as strident as you like defending your position. It clearly releases some inner angst, and it doesn't bother me ☺️

ImSoMagical · 23/01/2022 23:51

Oh gosh don't waste any brain power on it. He was having a laugh.

DaveGahansRealWife · 24/01/2022 00:07

[quote CuriousCassie]@DaveGahansRealWife
Dearie me.
Seem to have hit a nerve there haven't I?
Don't worry, you can be as strident as you like defending your position. It clearly releases some inner angst, and it doesn't bother me ☺️[/quote]
Don't be silly - you are the one with the inner angst it would seem as yet again you drop to the level of insults because you have to be the one and only one that's right. No other opinions allowed. 🙄

billy1966 · 24/01/2022 00:08

He has let himself down badly and exposed what he thinks.

His friend is definitely the classier man.

He would be hugely diminished in my eyes.

It seems to have hit a nerve with you OP, but the worst part is your feeling its best not to bring it up.

I would be returning to work FT and I would be re evaluating the balance in the relationship.

You sound very vulnerable which is NOT a good thing.Flowers

Flowers
GiftWrappingLikeItsXmasEve · 24/01/2022 00:16

I’d think it was a joke if it was my DH with a friend who would understand it was a joke.

I’d be perplexed if he sent it to someone who wouldn’t understand/ would take it at face value.

thehourwaslate · 24/01/2022 00:34

That wouldn’t bother me at all and I’d just see it as a joke (having said that, it wouldn’t be true, so maybe that’s why I’d know it was a joke!).

WorstXmasEver · 24/01/2022 02:48

Banter.

Chocaholic9 · 24/01/2022 05:44

I wouldn't let it bother me if you've had a good marriage otherwise, but I would let hubby know that you want him to cook some meals in future.