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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your DH texted this to a friend?

207 replies

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 16:51

Before I go on I wasn't snooping! We have a load of old phones in a draw and I was going through them to recycle them. Some of them have been used by both me and DH in the past at various times. I was looking at what was on them to make sure they were wiped and to do so if not

When I opened the texts on one of them the very first conversation was one between DH and his friend. I saw the word 'wife' so naturally wanted to know what was being said about me, thinking it'd be something either innocent or sweet and having no reason to think otherwise. Yes I know I shouldn't have read on and I know I'm wrong for doing so but the curiosity got the better of me, but feel free to judge because I know it was wrong

What DH had actually said was "you need to get a wife, all your meals cooked for you and always available for sex"

His friend replied saying DH should be more respectful as I'm lovely (aw) and that was the end of the conversation. The conversation was from 2018. We've been together for 17 years, married 15 and I've never heard him speak like this before

If you saw this would you just think it was blokey banter or be worried that's how he really saw you? Would it bother you? I can't help feeling a bit let down if I'm honest. I didn't read through anything else so I've no idea if he talks like this alot. And honestly DH is not the blokey bantery sort, he's very quiet and reserved

So YABU - blokey banter, think no more of it, I'm overreacting or YANBU - it's a bit disappointing and feeling a bit sad about it is understandable

OP posts:
Bywayofanupdate · 23/01/2022 18:56

I'd put it down to banter too. I often say my husband is only useful for doing the dishwasher and putting the bins out but of course I don't mean it

HelloFrostyMorning · 23/01/2022 19:00

@JigglyPiggly

PMSL you really believe that don't you? That YOUR man doesn't do it! Grin

I feel for YOU! How deluded you are.

me4real · 23/01/2022 19:05

So it sounds like it's his opinion based on fact if you see what I mean?

Well he was making an attempt at humour, but then again, you know it is how he thinks, at least with regards to cooking.

As to him asking why should he learn to cook while he has you as he doesn't need to- I think he should be cooking some meals as him saying that's taking you for granted.

No, not all blokes talk like this, I'm sure. I have a low opinion of men but they're not quite all equal- or might be twats in different ways. Some can say all the right things to everyone (at least outside the home) and still be bellends.

CollieCali · 23/01/2022 19:10

@HelloFrostyMorning

Blokey banter, but still fucking grim.

Anyone who believes their man doesn't talk this way when they're not there is deluded.

How depressing you think all men do this

You need to raise your standards or at least stop pretending all men are pigs

JamieNorthlife · 23/01/2022 19:12

@Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

The fact that you are scared of opening a can of worms by even telling him you know -means you have no self confidence or self worth

This really resonates

I know he would be a) angry with me for snooping as he would see it (fair enough even though I definitely wasn't snooping, but I can see why he'd be pissed off that I read part of a private conversation) and b) would tell me I was overreacting and it was a joke and I was being ridiculous. It would most likely end up as an argument I think either way. I don't feel like I can talk to him about it even if I presented it in a sort of light hearted way like 'what's this I found/that's a bit cheeky' or whatever

So yes. I'm too worried about opening a can of worms to let him know I saw it

So yes. I'm too worried about opening a can of worms to let him know I saw it

Unfortunately, if you are worried about discussing this issue with him, maybe you already sensed that something was not right.

HelloFrostyMorning · 23/01/2022 19:15

@CollieCali #deluded Grin

Hertsgirl10 · 23/01/2022 19:15

My husband wouldn’t give a shit if I Looked in his phone, old or new he wouldn’t think it was snooping and I don’t think you did anything wrong so stop feeling guilty about that, why are people so precious about partners looking in their phones?
It’s not a dear diary situation.

And the text situation I wouldn’t think too much about it, I don’t know why this has bothered you so much. I thought it was going to be something awful like he was texting your friend some dick pics.
Honestly it’s just a stupid comment trying to be funny, I mean it wasn’t funny and his mate didn’t get into it, which shows what kind of company he keeps and suggests he’s not some horrible pig of a man too.

LondonQueen · 23/01/2022 19:16

At least his friend is nice. Maybe you should go and make a joke around him about how you only have a DH to do all the DIY.

CollieCali · 23/01/2022 19:17

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@CollieCali #deluded Grin[/quote]
No, I just have standards

And a husband who is more of a feminist than I am 90% of the time

Do you think the DHs friend in this instance isn't a man? As there was one clear example of one who doesn't engage in this shit

Bollindger · 23/01/2022 19:18

Not nice, but your DH is bragging about you in a stupid way, as he has something his friend doesn't.
Don't make a mole hill into a mountain if he never normally says things like this,

Dibbydoos · 23/01/2022 19:19

@Keepitonthedownlow

YABU for saying draw instead of drawer Your DH IBU for being a misogynistic arse
Funking English police on here again. Seriously!

OP, I'd be upset too. It's nit acceptable and demean the wife. However in interpreting what it means, I'd realise it's out of context - I mean I would have no idea what the conversation was before the wife description. BTW, DHs mate sounds like a sound bloke!

You probably need to
a. Ignore it, laugh and put it behind you
b. Talk to DH about it.

Which ever option you take, remember you are not the wife described. Your DH would nit be with you just cos his meals are made and you're available for sex. There is so much more to marriage than that for men and women!

Nowayoutonlydown · 23/01/2022 19:19

TBF, I'd not get worked up about it, but I'd say that I saw those texts, and I'd like him to demonstrate that he doesn't feel that way by cooking dinner tonight, and pencilling in when he wants to have sex, you'll get back to him with your availability. Grin

Bonnealle · 23/01/2022 19:19

It’s not great, but I’ve said something similar in a jokey way to a friend (I’m a woman).

Freecuthbert · 23/01/2022 19:20

I think it's a vile misogynistic thing to say, blokey banter or not it's not okay. However it could just be a very poor attempt at a joke. I guess it depends on context, how your relationship is and how he treats you, but given that he thinks cooking and cleaning is women's work it's not looking good for him...

You say you are a SAHM, was that something you were enthusiastic about and wanted to do, did you dislike having a career? Or was it simply obligatory in your marriage for your work to take a backseat to enable him and his career to shine?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2022 19:21

He says while he has me he has no reason to learn to cook anyway

Your husband meant every word he wrote to his friend. The lack of respect for you is shocking. What a prick.

HelloFrostyMorning · 23/01/2022 19:22

@CollieCali

No, I just have standards.

😂

and

I have a husband who is more of a feminist than I am 90% of the time.

🤣

HelloFrostyMorning · 23/01/2022 19:25

@Bonnealle

It’s not great, but I’ve said something similar in a jokey way to a friend (I’m a woman).
Exactly. Everyone says it. Oh except those who HAVE STANDARDS 🤣
How would you feel if your DH texted this to a friend?
MrsLargeEmbodied · 23/01/2022 19:26

its all in the context isnt it

Cam77 · 23/01/2022 19:27

Sometimes men can say dickish things when in male groups which they don’t actually mean. Assuming he isn’t as big a prick as that one off comment makes him out to be, I’d put it down to a ”bad joke” and forget about it. That said, perhaps it’s a wake up call of sorts. Maybe your relationship is a bit too traditional re. assumed “gender roles”. Cooking the odd meal once a week shouldn’t be beyond any adult with an IQ above 80.

CollieCali · 23/01/2022 19:28

@HelloFrostyMorning

You really are trying so hard to pretend this is normal behavior for men

It's not.

You might have settled for a pig but not everyone will have. The very fact another male actively told the DH in the OP this wasn't ok proves the point there are some out there that don't act this way.

Also it's not just the comment, the OPs husband expects her to do all the cooking, upholds old fashioned gender roles for his wife and the OP is too scared to confront him due to his demeanour

But nah, this is all ok

Original poster
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 19:31

@HelloFrostyMorning you're not being very helpful. In fact you're being quite unpleasant. Fwiw no, other men I know don't talk about their wives like this and in fact DH's friend called him out on it. I'm fully open to the idea that I'm overreacting but I also don't believe for a second that all men feel this way about their wives, or make 'jokes' like this

I'm sorry if your experience of men makes you believe otherwise

OP posts:
HelloFrostyMorning · 23/01/2022 19:32

@Cam77

Sometimes men say dickish things when in male groups which they don’t actually mean...

Yes they do. Anyone who thinks differently is hilariously deluded.

It doesn't mean he's a horrible person, it's just what most men are like..... especially when in the company of other men/talking to other men....Not all the time, but sometimes, or at least occasionally...

Yep it really is. Sorry to pop your tiny bubble @CollieCali

Original poster
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 19:32

Exactly. Everyone says it

I don't

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 23/01/2022 19:33

It really really depends how he is in general at home. Is he helpful, loving,respectful etc? Do you feel listened to ,valued?

I sometimes make jokes like that to my female friends. Not the sex bit ,but I have a very low sex drive so the jokes are about how little sex we're having instead.

If he's a dick normally and this is just one more thing on top of many others then it's really not good.

HelloFrostyMorning · 23/01/2022 19:33

[quote Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm]@HelloFrostyMorning you're not being very helpful. In fact you're being quite unpleasant. Fwiw no, other men I know don't talk about their wives like this and in fact DH's friend called him out on it. I'm fully open to the idea that I'm overreacting but I also don't believe for a second that all men feel this way about their wives, or make 'jokes' like this

I'm sorry if your experience of men makes you believe otherwise[/quote]
Oh dear, you are deluded too.

I will leave it there.

Good luck in your marriage and good luck with life