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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your DH texted this to a friend?

207 replies

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 16:51

Before I go on I wasn't snooping! We have a load of old phones in a draw and I was going through them to recycle them. Some of them have been used by both me and DH in the past at various times. I was looking at what was on them to make sure they were wiped and to do so if not

When I opened the texts on one of them the very first conversation was one between DH and his friend. I saw the word 'wife' so naturally wanted to know what was being said about me, thinking it'd be something either innocent or sweet and having no reason to think otherwise. Yes I know I shouldn't have read on and I know I'm wrong for doing so but the curiosity got the better of me, but feel free to judge because I know it was wrong

What DH had actually said was "you need to get a wife, all your meals cooked for you and always available for sex"

His friend replied saying DH should be more respectful as I'm lovely (aw) and that was the end of the conversation. The conversation was from 2018. We've been together for 17 years, married 15 and I've never heard him speak like this before

If you saw this would you just think it was blokey banter or be worried that's how he really saw you? Would it bother you? I can't help feeling a bit let down if I'm honest. I didn't read through anything else so I've no idea if he talks like this alot. And honestly DH is not the blokey bantery sort, he's very quiet and reserved

So YABU - blokey banter, think no more of it, I'm overreacting or YANBU - it's a bit disappointing and feeling a bit sad about it is understandable

OP posts:
HelloFrostyMorning · 23/01/2022 19:35

@ldontWanna

It really really depends how he is in general at home. Is he helpful, loving,respectful etc? Do you feel listened to ,valued?

I sometimes make jokes like that to my female friends. Not the sex bit ,but I have a very low sex drive so the jokes are about how little sex we're having instead.

If he's a dick normally and this is just one more thing on top of many others then it's really not good.

Exactly this. ^ Everyone says this shit! And it's hilarious that some people are denying it.

I can see I have touched a raw nerve with several posters though, including the OP. So I am done here. Said all I need to say anyway.

As you were... Wink

NoMoreFries · 23/01/2022 19:37

OP - you can't really let on what you've seen.

So I suppose - had you not seen this - how would you feel about your life and relationship anyway? The devil makes work for idle thumbs...

If you're happy with him and have been up until now - i'd not think of it again.

But if you're not happy - perhaps it's time to do things differently.

How does he treat you generally? If he's a good husband and you're happy - don't bother with it. But if he's a sexist pig - then maybe you have to think longer.

Only you know the answers.

There's nothing wrong with being the one who does all the cooking if you're happy with that. Forget about what's on the telly and the media and everyone else saying it should be half and half. If YOU'RE happy with that, then that's fine.

What works for one couple, won't work for another and vice versa.

Alisae · 23/01/2022 19:39

My takeaway from this post is…is the friend still single? Because he sounds like a keeper!

Get on it op and ditch the pathetic man baby.

CollieCali · 23/01/2022 19:39

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@Cam77

Sometimes men say dickish things when in male groups which they don’t actually mean...

Yes they do. Anyone who thinks differently is hilariously deluded.

It doesn't mean he's a horrible person, it's just what most men are like..... especially when in the company of other men/talking to other men....Not all the time, but sometimes, or at least occasionally...

Yep it really is. Sorry to pop your tiny bubble @CollieCali[/quote]
The only deluded person here is you

The very fact the friend said it wasn't acceptable disproves your 'every man does this' view

It's really sad you think this way

Honeyroar · 23/01/2022 19:40

[quote Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm]@HelloFrostyMorning you're not being very helpful. In fact you're being quite unpleasant. Fwiw no, other men I know don't talk about their wives like this and in fact DH's friend called him out on it. I'm fully open to the idea that I'm overreacting but I also don't believe for a second that all men feel this way about their wives, or make 'jokes' like this

I'm sorry if your experience of men makes you believe otherwise[/quote]
I agree with this. I’ve met plenty of men that would talk like this and thankfully a good few that wouldn’t. (I would say there are more of the type that would). If someone thinks they can generalise for all men (or women) they are definitely wrong! Or very small thinking. And backing up an opinion with lots of 🤣🤣🤣 if someone disagrees backs up my opinion.

Original poster
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 19:44

@HelloFrostyMorning plenty of people on this thread have said they don't talk like this. DH's friend told him to be more respectful so he clearly doesn't. I'm not sure why you think everyone does when there's evidence to the contrary?

OP posts:
AKASammyScrounge · 23/01/2022 19:45

@Nanny0gg

Well, doesn't show much love there does it?
Men don't gush about romantic stuff to their mates. Your DH won't t tell how much he loves or the kids
OniferousWasp · 23/01/2022 19:51

@AKASammyScrounge surely those are not the only options. Fine they don’t need to “gush about romantic stuff…” but the only alternative cannot be blatant disrespect?

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 23/01/2022 19:53

I would assume he was joking same as I would be. But he does more than half the cooking and I consider sex a two way benefit.

nitsandwormsdodger · 23/01/2022 19:55

But it isn’t a joke/ banter because it’s true!
You are a young modern woman ( particularly when you got together) how on earth have you maintained a situation where you cook all the time ?! You don’t need to mention anything about the phone just needs to say “ from now on you will cook. 3/4 time a week 50 50 and he will have to learn the way you learnt “ if he refuses he doesn’t get food simple
Do you have kids ? If so you are teaching them a terrible lesson

Mumontour85 · 23/01/2022 19:55

You can 100% 'have it out with him', if it was a joint phone you were going to wipe and you weren't exactly snooping.

Kinda sounds like jokey banter to me, but I would probably not be making him dinner or having any sex (with him!), for a few days.

I'd maybe even stage a conversation with with friend about not bothering to get a husband, use a dildo and live in peace, see how he feels hearing it✌

Hertsgirl10 · 23/01/2022 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hertsgirl10 · 23/01/2022 20:03

Sorry wrong post I dunno how this happened 😂

Onthefloor2 · 23/01/2022 20:04

I think it would make me fancy the friend! 😂

newusername2009 · 23/01/2022 20:04

I think it was a regrettable comment and the fact his friend responded like that suggests it was not very in character for your DH to talk about you like that.

peachesarenom · 23/01/2022 20:07

I'm a STAHM and cooking/cleaning are not my responsibility alone. Being a present parent is. If I were you I'd use this as an opportunity to get him cooking and cleaning! You can train him up slowly if he's really slow. Be prepared with snacks if he deliberately sabotages his first attempts. Or just start cooking for the kids alone.

You should feel respected and valued. You didn't deliberately snoop, you came across it accidentally. It's insight into how he thinks. Re-educate him.

StandsForComfort · 23/01/2022 20:10

Something similar happened to me years ago. I never brought it up with DH and tbh it still eats away at me when I remember, even though it was probably nearly ten years ago now! So I actually regret not starting a conversation about it at the time, I feel like I did myself and the relationship a disservice. Letting it go can seem like the easier option, but you should ask yourself if you'd really be comfortable with that.

tearinghairout · 23/01/2022 20:11

It sounds like childish bragging to the friend. People do say things on the spur/out of character sometimes. It depends on the context - maybe the friend had asked your Dh's opinion of marriage? But whatever, you know him. If he's not normally a dickhead I'd let it go.

PrincessPaws · 23/01/2022 20:12

I'll be honest, I couldn't really be bothered about it. Is it what you would ideally want to hear? No, of course not. But it's one of those crappy comments people make to their mates without it being super serious and thinking their other half may see it

It's a bit crap but policing other people's thoughts/language all the time is far too exhausting. If you are confident in your relationship I would tell him you had seen it, and that it was a twatty thing to say which you don't appreciate m, and then forget about it. I haven't RTFT but am sure there are some LTB/hang draw and quarter him for daring to have an unapproved thought (clearly he is abusive/an incel/cheating) but that is just ridiculous OTT mumsnet shit

CuriousCassie · 23/01/2022 20:14

Divorce DH.
Marry the friend.

montysma1 · 23/01/2022 20:15

To be fair some of the stuff I say to mates about husbands/men in jest aren't exactly complimentary....

PrincessPaws · 23/01/2022 20:18

And for the record, this has nothing to do with excusing mens behaviour - I just know that I am not a perfect human, and I expect if my husband saw my phone, there would be things I'd have said to mates that he may not like at times because they weren't intended for him to read. But then I am also sure the same could be said about the reverse!

PrincessPaws · 23/01/2022 20:19

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@Cam77

Sometimes men say dickish things when in male groups which they don’t actually mean...

Yes they do. Anyone who thinks differently is hilariously deluded.

It doesn't mean he's a horrible person, it's just what most men are like..... especially when in the company of other men/talking to other men....Not all the time, but sometimes, or at least occasionally...

Yep it really is. Sorry to pop your tiny bubble @CollieCali[/quote]
It's what most PEOPLE are like, I have seen plenty from female friends that would also not be appreciated

CaptSkippy · 23/01/2022 20:19

But he doesn't use sexist language or anything like that

At least not around you, otherwise he probably wouldn't have his precious meals cooked for him and he might find you'd have lost attraction for him, so no sex on tap anymore either.

Ugh, OP. It's all around disgusting and disrespectful, but sadly a lot of men look at their female partners this way.

THEDEACON · 23/01/2022 20:19

DH is a mysoginist and you've only just noticed

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