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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if your DH texted this to a friend?

207 replies

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 16:51

Before I go on I wasn't snooping! We have a load of old phones in a draw and I was going through them to recycle them. Some of them have been used by both me and DH in the past at various times. I was looking at what was on them to make sure they were wiped and to do so if not

When I opened the texts on one of them the very first conversation was one between DH and his friend. I saw the word 'wife' so naturally wanted to know what was being said about me, thinking it'd be something either innocent or sweet and having no reason to think otherwise. Yes I know I shouldn't have read on and I know I'm wrong for doing so but the curiosity got the better of me, but feel free to judge because I know it was wrong

What DH had actually said was "you need to get a wife, all your meals cooked for you and always available for sex"

His friend replied saying DH should be more respectful as I'm lovely (aw) and that was the end of the conversation. The conversation was from 2018. We've been together for 17 years, married 15 and I've never heard him speak like this before

If you saw this would you just think it was blokey banter or be worried that's how he really saw you? Would it bother you? I can't help feeling a bit let down if I'm honest. I didn't read through anything else so I've no idea if he talks like this alot. And honestly DH is not the blokey bantery sort, he's very quiet and reserved

So YABU - blokey banter, think no more of it, I'm overreacting or YANBU - it's a bit disappointing and feeling a bit sad about it is understandable

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/01/2022 17:10

You showed a lot of restraint, OP. I would have read all the messages then.

Riverlee · 23/01/2022 17:10

Wouldn’t bother me - Blokey banter.

Original poster
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 17:10

His friend is lovely and has since taken DH's advice and got married Smile

OP posts:
girafferafferaffe · 23/01/2022 17:11

He'd better start cooking some meals 👀

Original poster
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 17:12

I'm perfectly willing to accept that I'm overreacting btw, I'm genuinely looking for others opinions and how they'd feel so all of this is helpful, thanks all

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 23/01/2022 17:12

He is quite old fashion wrt women's roles though, he's never learned to cook or cooked a meal for example which is why the comment about meals hit home a bit

Is that because he believes it's the woman's job to cook? That would bother me far more than the throwaway 'joke'.

DariaMorgendorffer · 23/01/2022 17:12

It's a joke, not particularly tasteful or funny imo, but I couldn't get too worked up about it.

DariaMorgendorffer · 23/01/2022 17:13

@Butchyrestingface

He is quite old fashion wrt women's roles though, he's never learned to cook or cooked a meal for example which is why the comment about meals hit home a bit

Is that because he believes it's the woman's job to cook? That would bother me far more than the throwaway 'joke'.

Agreed.
Honeyroar · 23/01/2022 17:15

Even the bloke he was having banter with called him out on it! Not nice. Did you discuss it with him?

LuluBlakey1 · 23/01/2022 17:15

It's pathetic and he sounds ridiculous. I'd be calling him out on it and making it clear I thought it was pathetic and disappointing but I wouldn't be doing anything else. He would also find I wasn't providing food and sex on tap so to speak.

Original poster
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2022 17:17

@Butchyrestingface

He is quite old fashion wrt women's roles though, he's never learned to cook or cooked a meal for example which is why the comment about meals hit home a bit

Is that because he believes it's the woman's job to cook? That would bother me far more than the throwaway 'joke'.

Yes he does, kind of. He says while he has me he has no reason to learn to cook anyway

I'm a SAHM (I do some PT work when it's available) so it's not unreasonable that cooking/cleaning etc is my job I suppose. I'm just a bit sad that he reduced our marriage to sex and getting his tea cooked for him, even as a joke

But yes I can see it's a silly thing to get wound up over also, it's not like he was sexting my friend as a PP said!

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 23/01/2022 17:20

I suppose it depends on what he is like in general: if he is generally respectful of you and participates in domestic work etc I would write it off as an ill judged throwaway comment. Tacky but probably not dealbreaker territory.

You say he doesn’t cook much though. He sounds like someone who witnessed very stereotypical male/female roles growing up and subconsciously hasn’t really challenged this much.

I think I would say something though. He may not realise how offensive it is.

AhNowTed · 23/01/2022 17:25

My husband cooks all my meals and would hit the roof if I spoke about him in such demeaning terms.

Tonkerbea · 23/01/2022 17:27

What was the message after the friend's reply? I'd be really disappointed if my DH had sent such a misogynistic text.

If you have children, you're going to have to work really hard to break the cycle of 'woman = domestic servant'.

PumpkinCrumble · 23/01/2022 17:30

I’d be sad.
Honestly it’d really upset me. I’d probably reconsider our whole relationship.

enoughofthiscrap · 23/01/2022 17:33

This is the type of thing my DH would say in front of me as a bit of banter to wind me up. If I saw it in a text like you did I'd be pretty upset. There'd be no meals or sex for a while!

DaveGahansRealWife · 23/01/2022 17:35

So much drama on here - only YOU will know what kind of man he is and if this was a one off daft comment. Yeah - listen to the extremists on here and dump him for one comment . It actually doesn't matter what any stranger thinks about it - only you know him.

grapewine · 23/01/2022 17:37

He says while he has me he has no reason to learn to cook anyway

So it's his opinion and not "banter."

CaptainNelson · 23/01/2022 17:37

It's not great, combined with the fact that you do in fact provide him with meals (and presumably sex), and he doesn't see any reason for that to change. Personally I would have a conversation about our roles and the role models you're giving your DC, without any reference to the message.

ten987123 · 23/01/2022 17:37

I would take immediate action. Get a lover (preferably female), stop cooking and pay for takeaways on his credit card.

Supertree · 23/01/2022 17:39

I'd be hurt and shocked. Pleased that the friend pulled him up but upset that he'd had to. But it is the kind of thing that my husband and I might say to me each other as a joke. Though the 'joke' part is that he does all housework and a lot of the cooking and we certainly aren't getting sex as often as we would like with being tired from work/children. I guess in our case the joke is poking fun at those stereotypes, but if I felt that he actually saw me that way I'd be very hurt. I'd feel a bit like any woman would have done and I wasn't valued as an individual person in our marriage - just a cook and something to hump.

gannett · 23/01/2022 17:39

Crap joke, but one I admit I've made to friends about DP, who does all the cooking. Of course I love him for much more than food and sex but sometimes you just say stupid shit that comes into your head.

Would roll my eyes if I saw a message saying having a partner was good for sex but fundamentally I know he loves me for more than that too, so I wouldn't be upset.

If I had any sneaking suspicions that he really did see my role as just cooking and sex I would be very upset, but then I wouldn't be in a LTR with him to start with if that was the case.

grapewine · 23/01/2022 17:40

@CaptainNelson

It's not great, combined with the fact that you do in fact provide him with meals (and presumably sex), and he doesn't see any reason for that to change. Personally I would have a conversation about our roles and the role models you're giving your DC, without any reference to the message.
Good idea.
MrFsAunt · 23/01/2022 17:42

It would only bother me in the sense that it would be massively misleading whoever he told Grin.

mnahmnah · 23/01/2022 17:43

I would be removing the sex and food and see if he got the message

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