How would you feel if your DH texted this to a friend?

[Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm]

Before I go on I wasn't snooping! We have a load of old phones in a draw and I was going through them to recycle them. Some of them have been used by both me and DH in the past at various times. I was looking at what was on them to make sure they were wiped and to do so if not

When I opened the texts on one of them the very first conversation was one between DH and his friend. I saw the word 'wife' so naturally wanted to know what was being said about me, thinking it'd be something either innocent or sweet and having no reason to think otherwise. Yes I know I shouldn't have read on and I know I'm wrong for doing so but the curiosity got the better of me, but feel free to judge because I know it was wrong

What DH had actually said was "you need to get a wife, all your meals cooked for you and always available for sex"

His friend replied saying DH should be more respectful as I'm lovely (aw) and that was the end of the conversation. The conversation was from 2018. We've been together for 17 years, married 15 and I've never heard him speak like this before

If you saw this would you just think it was blokey banter or be worried that's how he really saw you? Would it bother you? I can't help feeling a bit let down if I'm honest. I didn't read through anything else so I've no idea if he talks like this alot. And honestly DH is not the blokey bantery sort, he's very quiet and reserved

So YABU - blokey banter, think no more of it, I'm overreacting or YANBU - it's a bit disappointing and feeling a bit sad about it is understandable

[AntAndDecking]

He sees the entire comment as truth

That's the issue

To him you're nothing more than a cook and cleaner he gets to fuck when he wants.

I think I agree with this. Sorry OP, I don’t think he values you outside of the services you provide for him.

[thisplaceisweird]

My husband is just not the kind of person who would ever say or even think something like that - he would not partake in blokey banter with his wife (or anyone he cared about for that matter) as the butt of the joke. I guess your husband is that kind of person.

It's up to you whether that's a deal-breaker or not.

[TheyTookTheCrownButItsAllRight]

I'd say it was 'blokey banter' but I'd also be furious to be spoken about like that. It's causal sexism. And it's gross. And I would definitely not just let it slide, even if I had been snooping to have seen it.

[OwlNoises101]

I would be furious with him. I would also not be cooking all his meals and doing all the cleaning. In fact, I would likely be leaving a man who treated me like that.

[anotherbloodyyearofcovid]

It's probably pathetic blokey banter. People say stupid things. Ignore and carry on.

Unless he's disrespectful to you day to day. In which case he's an arse.

[Vloggamamma]

I would actually say it to DH. If I didn't I'd bottle it up and it would come out anyway when I was drunk and 10 times more explosive than if I;d just confronted him in the first place. Ask him what that was all about.

[goawaystormy]

I think it depends on your relationship.

Me and my boyfriend make these kind of jokes too each other. If he carries something heavy down the stairs for me I'll say 'See, this is the reason I keep you around', we both joke about sex on tap etc. And I make the same jokes to my friends when I'm not with him, and I'm sure he does too.

The thing is we both 100% know it's a joke. Would never actually expect sex on tap because we're both human beings with complex emotions who aren't always in the mood, and it just seems to be our sense of humour. We're both also younger than you, I don't know if that makes a difference.

So I wouldn't say the comment is inherently awful, if I saw the same text on my boyfriends phone I'd laugh and say something along the lines of 'Glad were on the same page about just using each other for convenience'. But your relationship isn't ours, if you don't make the same kind of jokes and it bothers you that doesn't make you wrong. I think you might need to talk to him to get to the bottoms of why it bothers you.

[Honeymint]

Is it possible he meant it tongue-in-cheek and worded it poorly?

I think the best thing you could do is bring it up with him, it was a perfectly innocent discovery and it could help to hear his explanation and for him to know that you feel hurt?

[FindingMeno]

I think it was probably not meant to be disrespectful and he thought he was being lighthearted and funny.
Well, I hope that's the case, and after 17 years you're the one to know if it's out of character.
The thing is, even if he was being a twat what action would you take?

[Nailsbythesea]

I would screen shot the conversation and print it off and stick it on the oven and not say a word.#

I'd go and sleep in the spare room, stop providing all maid and sex services.

It's beyond disrespectful -he sees you as as a maid and handy free sex provider. That's it -totally it.

The fact that you are scared of opening a can of worms by even telling him you know -means you have no self confidence or self worth.

Get a backbone. Get some self worth. Get some self esteem.

Imagine this was your daughter. Be aware your husband thinks of you like this and tells others your role. Time to create a new path.

[OwlNoises101]

@Nailsbythesea - you've nailed it!

[JigglyPiggly]

@anotherbloodyyearofcovid

It's probably pathetic blokey banter. People say stupid things. Ignore and carry on.

Unless he's disrespectful to you day to day. In which case he's an arse.

OP has already confirmed he expects her to do all the cooking

So clearly he is no peach

[JigglyPiggly]

@underneaththeash

Meh. wouldn't bother me. I like cooking and sex.

It being expected is different

Odd you don't se the difference

I have done all the cooking my entire marriage, I love to cook and DH is useless at it (3 kitchen fires to his name) but every meal he thanks me for, every meal he offers to help with, every meal he does all the prep and cleaning. Because he doesn't expect me to do jack shit for him and sees it as a nice gesture not by 'job'

[Luredbyapomegranate]

@MuchTooTired

I’d see it as blokey banter, but I’d feel a bit let down nonetheless because it’s disrespectful and sounds twattish.

His mate on the other hand, would go up in my opinion

Yes this.

[Broads93]

"Blokey banter" is just code for socially acceptable misogyny. This is how your husband really sees you.

[2Gen]

@MuchTooTired

I’d see it as blokey banter, but I’d feel a bit let down nonetheless because it’s disrespectful and sounds twattish.

His mate on the other hand, would go up in my opinion

This.
If he's respectful to you in every other way, I would think he was just trying to be "funny" ( har de har!) and making an eejit of himself but would hope after his mate admonishing him for it, he'd learnt his lesson. If he's a good husband otherwise, I would try not to dwell on it but it isn't nice so I think YANBU. Just file it away but try not to let it upset you! If he expresses anything like it in future, jump on him and let him know you won't tolerate it!

[Luredbyapomegranate]

Oh I just read your updates.

If you really do all the cooking, and he buys into stereotypical male/female roles, it’s less of a stupid joke.

Could you use this as an opportunity to change things up a bit. How old are your kids? What bm does he to contribute to the house and childcare, beyond paying the bills.

And do you have shared finances?

[HelloFrostyMorning]

Blokey banter, but still fucking grim.

Anyone who believes their man doesn't talk this way when they're not there is deluded.

[Christmasqueenx]

If it was me I’d be a bit peeved but leave it. Talk is cheap and I’m sure loads of people say things that they don’t think through or really mean. Things look worse written down too.

I’d just think what would confronting him achieve? You know he’ll say something along the lines of ‘it was just a throwaway comment/joke, I’m sorry’. Then he’ll be pissed off that you’ve read his private messages which will potentially start up another argument. Pointless.

[JigglyPiggly]

@HelloFrostyMorning

Blokey banter, but still fucking grim.

Anyone who believes their man doesn't talk this way when they're not there is deluded.

Christ

How sad you think all men objectify their wives and women in general when alone

I feel for you

[Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm]

The fact that you are scared of opening a can of worms by even telling him you know -means you have no self confidence or self worth

This really resonates

I know he would be a) angry with me for snooping as he would see it (fair enough even though I definitely wasn't snooping, but I can see why he'd be pissed off that I read part of a private conversation) and b) would tell me I was overreacting and it was a joke and I was being ridiculous. It would most likely end up as an argument I think either way. I don't feel like I can talk to him about it even if I presented it in a sort of light hearted way like 'what's this I found/that's a bit cheeky' or whatever

So yes. I'm too worried about opening a can of worms to let him know I saw it

[Sartre]

It’s disappointing because you clearly deserve to be with his friend instead.

[Crinkle77]

@Keepitonthedownlow

YABU for saying draw instead of drawer
Your DH IBU for being a misogynistic arse

Don't be such a dick!

[ifonly4]

I'm pretty sure my DH wouldn't joke about sex being available, but meals on tap/other things wouldn't worry me - I know that with him would be total banter. Having said that, I know his friends pretty well so would give as good as I get as I'm included in lots of group chats.

[Rosscameasdoody]

@OwlNoises101

I would be furious with him. I would also not be cooking all his meals and doing all the cleaning. In fact, I would likely be leaving a man who treated me like that.

Bit extreme. OP has been with him a good while and their relationship seems a good one. This is not about the way he treats her - more about an ill judged comment. Not a leaving offence I wouldn’t have thought.