Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to pay?

555 replies

Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:07

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris Blush

OP posts:
MalbecandToast · 23/01/2022 16:08

I'll get flamed for this but if you have children with a man who already had kids, you should accept that you all become a family and should take the sibling.

Original poster
Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:09

And admittedly whilst the money is the "main" issue. I would just love to go DS and I.

OP posts:
Flocon · 23/01/2022 16:09

Absolutely no way should he be expecting you to pay for his child when your finances are separate. If he wants to go away he should pay for his child and half of your shared child really.

Original poster
Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:10

@MalbecandToast

I'll get flamed for this but if you have children with a man who already had kids, you should accept that you all become a family and should take the sibling.
I think what grates the most with this though is FH doesn't want to save his money - fine. But then he wants the benefits of having savings through me. Not okay imo.
OP posts:
FreedomFaith · 23/01/2022 16:11

The stepchild should definitely go, however that does not mean you pay for them. Thats for his parents to do. His dad, your partner, is going to have to find a different way to pay for it. I'd suggest credit card or loan. He'll then perhaps see that saving actually is better than paying extra because he's too lazy.

GoodnightGrandma · 23/01/2022 16:13

No. Go with your son.
You’ve already said you have separate finances so why change that now, because it’s in his favour ?

girlmom21 · 23/01/2022 16:13

I think you need to reevaluate your savings and have a shared savings pot even if nothing else is shared.

Do you have an equal amount of money you could save?

I think it's a savage place to only take one of the children. It's the kind of place you should take them all too and I agree the SC is family.

Tell DH that he needs to find x amount for spends.

Original poster
Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:13

The stepchild should definitely go

So it would be really unreasonable for me to just want to take DS by myself? Sad

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 23/01/2022 16:14

If he wants to come on the holiday he needs to pay half/whatever proportion of the holiday if that's how you've organised things.

If he can't afford to do to this then he can't come. Maybe ask him to start saving so he can come on the next one.

Flocon · 23/01/2022 16:14

I think if it's just you and DS that's fine

Original poster
Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:14

I think you need to reevaluate your savings and have a shared savings pot even if nothing else is shared.

He's a spender not a saver. It would only be me saving in a joint pot. I'd rather not be the only one saving but it still be seen as "joint". Been there and it ended horribly.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 23/01/2022 16:15

I think if the dad went without his older child that would be awful.

If just the op and her son go that's ok.

Original poster
Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:16

@OwlinaTree

I think if the dad went without his older child that would be awful.

If just the op and her son go that's ok.

No it would just be me and DS ideally.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 23/01/2022 16:16

@Pritty

I think you need to reevaluate your savings and have a shared savings pot even if nothing else is shared.

He's a spender not a saver. It would only be me saving in a joint pot. I'd rather not be the only one saving but it still be seen as "joint". Been there and it ended horribly.

What I'm saying is he'd need to contribute an equal amount and if he doesn't he doesn't get to come on holidays etc.

Suggest he sends you a set amount each month to save if that would work better. It'd mean he can't spend it and you do need to worry about someone else having any control over your finances.

44PumpLane · 23/01/2022 16:16

Honestly, take your son yourself. Going in the summer hols, although still fun, will be much much much busier. Queues will be significantly longer meaning you get to do less with your time.
It'll be harder to get a dining reservation booked, the busses to and from the parks will be more crowded so you're more likely to have to wait.

One of the joys of having a pre school child is being able to go on holiday outside of the school holidays.

Your finances are separate, if he's wanting his other son to come and treble the cost he needs to cover this uplift himself.

But honestly if he's not willing to go without his other child (and to be fair I'd be very impressed with him if he took this stance) you should just go yourself!

Haus1234 · 23/01/2022 16:16

It’s highly unreasonable to expect you to pay for your DSS when you have separate finances. I do think it’s reasonable to make it a family trip though I’m afraid, any child would be gutted to miss out on Disney (much more than any other holiday) when their sibling got to go.

Flocon · 23/01/2022 16:17

I think you need to reevaluate your savings and have a shared savings pot even if nothing else is shared. noooo don't do this! You'll be the one saving for EVERYONE but lose control over your own savings.

If anything can be shared it's a current account for bills and even then only if you trust him to pay in and take out fairly.

Isntitironic1 · 23/01/2022 16:17

@Pritty

The stepchild should definitely go

So it would be really unreasonable for me to just want to take DS by myself? Sad

You’re not being unreasonable at all, if he wants to go he should pay for himself and child, like one of the other posters said he could always pay for his half via credit card and then he may realise that he should be saving die things like this instead of expecting you to stump up the money
kerkyra · 23/01/2022 16:18

I really think you both should go and take step child,unless child is in his teens and not bothered. You are a family.

tiredofthisshit21 · 23/01/2022 16:18

You shouldn't have to pay for him and his child just because he can't be arsed saving any money. He wants to go? He pays. I have two step children and have never paid for their holidays. My husband knows that it's his cost, not mine.

Flocon · 23/01/2022 16:18

@OwlinaTree

I think if the dad went without his older child that would be awful.

If just the op and her son go that's ok.

I don't think it would be awful I just can't see why OP has to pay for everyone
BobHadBitchTits · 23/01/2022 16:19

I think it would have been a little unfair to all go but your stepson.

But there's nothing wrong with just you and your son going at all.

Yummymummy2020 · 23/01/2022 16:20

I’ll probably be frowned upon but I would say no way! Assuming he isn’t a stay at home dad, I’m thinking you miss out on certain things in order to save and he enjoys his free money choosing to spend it rather than save? If this is correct, he absolutely should pay his own way and for his other child, otherwise he is taking advantage.

MalbecandToast · 23/01/2022 16:20

Look at it this way, if your DH left you and had more children with someone else, how would you feel if those children went on an amazing holiday but your son was left out?

cushioncovers · 23/01/2022 16:20

So your Dh doesn't save and you do so the only way his child can go on holiday with you three is if you pay because your Dh can't afford it because he doesn't bother saving any of his money? If so then yanbu