Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

Bottom line is if either parent thinks the son should go. Then either parent should pay. Not put their hands put and ask the op to pay to for him to go. She is not financially responsible. He has two parents., they are financially responsible for him. Marrying her husband did not then make her totally financially responsible for his child with another woman and the parents didn’t have to bother their arses any more.

He should go. But the parents should pay. I’m quite surprised anyone thinks it’s ok for the parents to shove their financial responsibilities for this child onto her.

What a lovely idea of course you should make the most of taking your child on holiday before he starts school. Shame your husband has not managed to save anything for holidays but that's been his choice and he must accept the consequences. I think it would work out for the best anyway, a 4yr old and a a10yr will want to do very different things. And I am also sure your step child's mother would not take your DS on holiday with her so I wouldn't feel bad about that either.

It has nothing to do with 'ambivalence' or OP 'not wanting' DH & DSS to come on this or any other holiday. It's that OP rightly feels that it's not down to her to 'make up' for her DH's financial fecklessness.

If he doesn't save up to pay his car insurance, should OP pay for it? NO. If he charges a large purchase then doesn't save up to pay it off, should OP pay it? NO. If he wants to take his son on a father/son trip but can't be bothered to save for it, should OP subsidize it? Hell, NO. If this man wants separate finances so he's not accountable for what he spends or if he won't be financially responsible enough for them to have joint finances, then he is on his own for everything he wants. He doesn't get to blow his wages then expect OP to cover for him when he can't afford to take his son on a holiday. He snoozes, his son loses. It's unfortunate, but a lot of things in life are unfortunate.

The family unit aren’t going though. Just op and her son, who can’t always be only considered a part of the wider family unit. He’s the ops son. If both parents went without dss it would be different, but that’s not what she’s booking.
Honestly the op has saved that money, she can’t afford school holiday prices for 4 and she doesn’t have to. It’s very selfish of her dp to think this way. Hopefully this is the moment he sees spending all his money, mainly on himself, does mean his children miss out on fun things.
Someone made a good point that really the dp should be paying for himself, dss and half ds if he goes.

TBH it's quite a big age gap I'd suggest DH takes DSS on his own sometime otherwise even if you go as a family of 4 I reckon you'll be doing all the young child stuff with DS and your DH doing the pre teen stuff with DSS.

Definitely suggest a family holiday account where each of you put the same in each pay day. You still have your separate savings that you spend as you wish.

@AcrossthePond55

It has nothing to do with 'ambivalence' or OP 'not wanting' DH & DSS to come on this or any other holiday. It's that OP rightly feels that it's not down to her to 'make up' for her DH's financial fecklessness.

If he doesn't save up to pay his car insurance, should OP pay for it? NO. If he charges a large purchase then doesn't save up to pay it off, should OP pay it? NO. If he wants to take his son on a father/son trip but can't be bothered to save for it, should OP subsidize it? Hell, NO. If this man wants separate finances so he's not accountable for what he spends or if he won't be financially responsible enough for them to have joint finances, then he is on his own for everything he wants. He doesn't get to blow his wages then expect OP to cover for him when he can't afford to take his son on a holiday. He snoozes, his son loses. It's unfortunate, but a lot of things in life are unfortunate.

Tbf that's not entirely true. The OP has stated quite a few times that she would rather it just be her son that goes

@AryaStarkWolf

But I wonder how much of that is because her DH is so feckless. I also believe she said that if her DH had had the money she would have had no problem at all with him and DSS going.

I grew up near Disneyland and still live in California. Disneyland is in my blood and my sons' blood. There have been times each has had 'solo' trips with me when they were little as they're 5 years apart so the dynamics were geared to their age and the rides they wanted to/were able to go on. Even though the other one might have wanted to go, they understood it wasn't 'their turn' to go alone. In OP's situation, DSS needs to understand that it is his dad's responsibility to take him.

I wonder if the father would get so much support if he wanted to take their ds to Disneyland and leave the OP behind because she couldn't afford it?

Take your child by yourself , Disney will be horrifically busy in the summer holidays .. We went Sunday to Friday in late March pre pandemic and there were barely any ques it was fantastic we took a 4,9&10 year old they loved it so much .. Definitely get a meal plan do half board and bring snacks that will be more.than enough we did full board and we wernt hungry by lunch definitely do a character breakfast as it saves queing for meet and greets , book meals in advance as soon as your able to (go later than you think) plan your days properly to get everything done and stay at dlh if you can as it's right in the park , take advance of magic hours to do big rides you will have a great time and go again in a couple of years when your husband has saved enough to go with his son as well ... X

We have 4 children very different ages 10months 6 years ,13& 12&a half when our 10 month old is 3 we will take the younger 2 to Lapland as we really want to go and we will do a father Christmas trip , we will not take the older 2 they will have both gone on a skiing holiday with school by then and won't be believers so it would be silly to buy I'm sure they will moan when the time comes ... , they are all our biological children .. Sometimes you do separate things it's life !

@Porcupineintherough

I wonder if the father would get so much support if he wanted to take their ds to Disneyland and leave the OP behind because she couldn't afford it?

Interesting question.......

@Porcupineintherough

I wonder if the father would get so much support if he wanted to take their ds to Disneyland and leave the OP behind because she couldn't afford it?

It isn't as straight forward as that because he has the added complication of another child, which most seem to agree he shouldn't go without. If I were OP, I'd be happy for him to come and probably even want him to, but not if it meant me shelling out loads more cash because he can't come unless DSS does too. One adult added on during term time wouldn't increase the price by nearly as much.

@Porcupineintherough

I wonder if the father would get so much support if he wanted to take their ds to Disneyland and leave the OP behind because she couldn't afford it?

Yes A SAHM for example

@Porcupineintherough

I wonder if the father would get so much support if he wanted to take their ds to Disneyland and leave the OP behind because she couldn't afford it?

He would if the mother had constant opportunities to save but chose not to and spent all her own money, then turned round to OH and said take me and my child on holiday too please, oh and you pay because I couldn't be bothered to.

I wonder if the father would get so much support if he wanted to take their ds to Disneyland and leave the OP behind because she couldn't afford it?

I suppose to make that a true reflection in reverse we need to tweak that a bit.

The mum would have two children and dad wants to take the youngest, and mum has a job but is feckless with money (as OPs partner works and isn't a SAHD so that's not comparable) and mum expected dad to foot the bill for both children and up the price substantially to include the eldest.

Personally in the tweaked example above I would be taking the same stance as I have with OP which is mum would be taking the piss and I say this as a mum.

But then I don't expect people to pay my way 🤷🏼‍♀️ regardless of which gender I belong to.

@Porcupineintherough

I wonder if the father would get so much support if he wanted to take their ds to Disneyland and leave the OP behind because she couldn't afford it?

Well, my DH took DD on a trip to several Asian countries, including a day trip to Hong Kong Disneyland, without DS and myself.

It WAS for financial reasons, as we didn't want to fork out for four people at the time. Our holidays are paid for out of our joint account that we both pay into, so it's a bit different, it was definitely a joint decision.

Absolutely just go you and DS. Best thing to do before they start school is go out of season. It'll be less busy and cheaper. Go and enjoy yourself with your little one. He'll love it and leave all guilt aside. If DH wants to take both his DC on holiday then he can save up and pay and you can all go somewhere in the summer holidays

Absolutely go just the two of you, I did this a few times when my DS's were little - it was hard work but really nice!

My 11yo said take the kids to Paris and leave H behind! She's very wise.

We have 3 kids and on several occasions one of us has taken one or 2 on a trip alone. This has been both for financial and practical reasons.

If you don't take your DP I don't see how it could be an issue.

Absolutely nothing wrong with you taking your son on your own if you want to.
I wouldn't spend all my savings on a family holiday if DH couldn't be bothered to save anything to contribute.
Different situation if he couldn't afford to due to paying bills etc , but doesn't sound like this is the case for you.
Maybe this is the ideal opportunity to prove to DH why having some joint savings is an excellent idea. If I was you I would agree an amount you both can save per month and tell him you will match his contribution each month once he has transferred his contribution. If he doesn't, you don't either.
Perhaps you could book something for next year and pay it DD every month from his account and you transfer him half to ensure he pays his contribution. That's if, this is even an option still these days.

Haven't read all 22 pages so apologies if already suggested. Tell your husband you are going on your own with your pre schooler or if he is adamant that all of you go then tell him you will lend him the money for himself and his child but he starts to pay you back immediately.
Don't budge from this and say you want the debt cleared by the end of this year

@Porcupineintherough

I wonder if the father would get so much support if he wanted to take their ds to Disneyland and leave the OP behind because she couldn't afford it?

Let's see: Man has child with Woman. Woman has another child as well. They agree to maintain separate finances. Man is frugal and saves, Woman is feckless with money and spends her 'extra' on herself. Man wants to take mutual child to Disney. Woman says she wants to go, take her child along and that Man should pay for all of it because she has no money saved.

Given the same situation my answer would be the same. Woman is SoL and needs to learn to manage her money. It's unfortunate for the child, but the blame is entirely on feckless Woman and NOT on frugal Man.

@Pritty - have you managed to come to an agreement?

@MalbecandToast

I'll get flamed for this but if you have children with a man who already had kids, you should accept that you all become a family and should take the sibling.

Disagree, it's not her place to pay for the child. It's his responsibility. If she was saving for her and her son, it's fair the husband helps out a bit more, he seems like an idiot by relying on you to save and not acting like a mature adult himself. I would say to him that if he wants all 4 of you to go then he needs to step up and provide for HIS child. So many people on this thread are hypocrites and would be the first to call this woman out if she started assuming she could take him on holiday and treating him like her child, when at the end of the day he isn't.