Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

I think its fine for just you and DS to go - if DH goes too then his son has to come. Could you defer it until later in the year to give him an opportunity to save? Basically say "I'm going to book to go on 30th June - if you have saved up enough for you and DSS by then then I'll book for the 4 of us PROVIDED you have transferred the funds to my account by then. If not then I'll just book for me and DS to go." If he kicks up at that point just tell him that it obviously wasn't important enough for him to save up for.

Just go with your Ds. Your h hasn’t saved, so he doesn’t get to go and get the benefit of your savings. I say that as someone who’s a bit of spender myself.

He wants to be able to take his kids to Disneyland on your money does he? Aye, right, as they say.

I agree he shouldn’t be taking loads of AL in term time when he has school age dc to care for in the hols, but doesn’t mean you can’t!

Not completely the same thing, but I did go away with both my parents and just my mum in my teens. My brother stayed at home. So not everything needs to be exactly equal between siblings, step or otherwise.

It's you taking your child on holiday. Go. Have fun. If your DH wants to come with his child then he can pay. If finances were joint and he was trying to save as much as he could as you do, then it should be everyone going. But this is your money and your child. I think it's fine that DH and step-child are being left.

Not me but a friend had a situation recently where she lived with her OH and her two DC and her partner had two DC from a previous relationship who didn't live with them.

OH never had any money, he spent it as soon as he got paid and if they went out for meals or anything she was expected to pay. For her 40th her parents paid for her, OH and her DC to go to Greece and her kids have been desperate to go back.

Pandemic got in the way but she was looking into another foreign holiday where she would have to pay for OH as he was unable to contribute and he told her he would prefer if she also paid for his two DC to come as they'd never been abroad. Obviously curbs on travel plans helped her put this conversation off and they've since split.

It's not quite the same situation but I thought it was absolutely bananas that he would even suggest that his partner not only pay for him but his two children while he contributed nothing!

I don't think you are unreasonable to want to treat your own child. You are the one who has saved this money.

But if DH wants to come & bring his child, then HE pays for his & his child's tickets and for half the spending money. Tell him you can't afford their tickets as well.

He needs to contribute to the savings if he wants to benefit from them.

Why can’t the father pay for himself and his child?

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your step son has two parents, and neither seem to be stepping up and offering to pay for this trip.

If your DH wants his other child on this trip then he pays. You're covering the expenses of your DS and yourself (and perhaps your DH).

I wouldn't be paying for DSS on this occasion. Perhaps in the future but not on this holiday.

It would be unfair to go without your DSS but that unfairness is solely down to his dad. I cannot believe anyone would think you unreasonable to say to him if he wants his DS to come they you will (very reasonably in my view) pay the cost if he was to come at the same time as you are your DS but he would have to pay the uplift for you all. Or he and his DS do not come. I would just say you cannot afford it so are going with your DS out of school hols and he may join if he wishes.

Step child has 2 parents, as does your DS.

It's up to your DH to make up the difference or accept that he doesn't get his own way.

I think it's fair for you and ds to go - for goodness sake make the most of being able to go away in term time!!

If your h wants to come with his dc, then he has to pay.

If you've agreed separate finances, then he can't pick and choose what should be separate and what should be joint.

If your h spends everything he makes, you will never be able to go for holidays, will you? If he wants holidays etc then he has to be more proactive about saving money.

@Universe1969

Why can’t the father pay for himself and his child?

Both his children.

OP should really be just paying for her and half her shared child's costs.

He needs to stump up the cash for himself, his child and half of OP's shared child.

Definitely don’t re-evaluate your savings - it’s good you’ve kept yours separate to him!

You pay for you and your son.

He pays for him and DSC. 50% each.

Why can't he save up until the holiday and pay half?

It’s fine for you to go just with your son . Having done DLP an enormous amount of times over the years since it opened I would say definitely do not go in the holidays .If your husband wants to take your stepchild then he can pay and take them in the holidays .

Of course you can go just you and your son. I’m married to my boys father but I go on lots of trips just the two of us. You and your son shouldn’t miss out because your partner doesn’t save his money.

I think ywbu if you, dh, and your 1 dc went together to Disney without SS.
Ywnbu if it's just you and your dc.

Your DH can save up if he feels that strongly about it. He won't.

Does your stepchild go away with his mum on holiday? I’d be going and leaving your OH at home.

Go by yourself with your son.

@moomee12

You pay for you and your son.

He pays for him and DSC. 50% each.

Why can't he save up until the holiday and pay half?

He should be paying for half of their shared DC cost too if he wants in. Why is it down to OP to cover the whole cost of their shared child?

I would start now not sharing information about your shared savings from this point on. If you had saved 'just enough' for you and DS then if there is not enough other money available - then DH and DSC just aren't able to go unless he can facilitate that. It's very difficult as if you are formally together then it's difficult to assert separation in finances if he knows about the extent of your savings. I used to be in this situation too - my ex DP never saved. I am a squirrel. The extra child was mine and I always paid more generally. But once my DS had grown up I still always ended up paying the bulk of holidays for my ex and our two DC.

My finances are now permanently separate and thank goodness I had kept the full extent of my own savings relatively private.

Yanbu - you have a clear financial set up / agreement and he is dicking around with it amd trying to guilt you.
Fair isn't equal.

You and your son go off peak to euro Disney on your own.

Then do a week camping or whatever all
of you together in the summer and DH kicks in his correct % (eg. If adults are 30% and kids are 20% then he contributes 60% to your 40%)

If your DH wants to go to any of it he needs to cough up the cash and I would include the additional cost for you and your DS to go in peak vs non peak if his son requires you to go in peak time.

@MalbecandToast

I'll get flamed for this but if you have children with a man who already had kids, you should accept that you all become a family and should take the sibling.

In theory I agree with this but at the same time I can understand the op wanting to go away with her child only. It's not just about the money.

I know the child is only four but could be asked if he would like to go away with just Mummy or with brother or sister.

He’s a joke. If he wants his older child to have nice holidays he can save up and pay for them.

Go to Disney with your son! Have an amazing time. I’m sure DSS had nice things during term time when he was younger, if he didn’t it’s because his parents didn’t arrange them, their responsibility and not your problem.

Maybe this will make him review his financial priorities. Maybe not. But no bloody way your son should be missing out because his dad can’t be arsed to plan ahead.

I don't think you need to pay for the step child, that's the responsibility of his own parents.

I do think you need to think about joint savings to avoid this happening again. I wouldn't give up my own savings to do this, but set up a separate account for your joint savings. Then you both put in the same amount, it doesn't have to be massive, even £25 a month each. Hopefully if he gets into the savings habit it will be easier to save more in future. (But keep your own savings running in the background, always!)

If all 4 of you go you should pay half each (he should probably pay more but let’s not split hairs…) if he can’t afford that then he and step child don’t go and you book for when it suits you.