Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

I’m the spender, not the saver in this house

I pay 75% of the bills, because I earn more .. and all money I’m spending is (mostly) on stuff that benefits the family.

Husband is the saver - most of his money goes into savings, but it’s “our” money .. Any big “one offs” come from that (including holidays).

It all works itself out - swings and roundabouts !

So DH is muscling in with your SS just because it's a Disney land holiday?

Fuck that. If DH wants to take SS (his child your SS) away in the school holidays great! He can.

You carry on with your plans to take DS away in term time

Go just you and your son. And whatever you do, don’t go during summer. It will be crowded and horrible, and you won’t get to do a lot. You can do something else the 4 of you during summer.

I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting to give your DS a special treat before starting school, but I would consider Eurodisney too big or special a treat to exclude DH from if he's keen to go. So in this situation, it sounds like I'd be planning for all four of you (with DH contributing for DSC and extra for the termtime costs), or not at all.

If DH was not too fussed about going though I'd crack on and book for just you and DS.

Is there something else you could consider for a 1:1 treat?

@JbSmCn

You say that he's a spender. Do you and your DS benefit from this spending - or is it all prioritised towards him and his son?

If his spending is benefiting everyone, then there is an argument that you chipping in towards everyone going would be reasonable. But if his spending is for him and his DS only, then I'd tell him to start saving.

Well obviously he sometimes spends money on DS. But he's his son so I'm not going to feel grateful for that. I spend money on DS as well.

We each pay bills etc.. and then have the rest as spending money for ourselves. We actually both work in a family company so have the same salary.

He chooses to spend his "left over" on all sorts of stuff (typically for himself in the main, and then SS or DS).

And I choose to mix, spend some on me, DS and save.

@Flocon

Absolutely no way should he be expecting you to pay for his child when your finances are separate. If he wants to go away he should pay for his child and half of your shared child really.

This. I just think when you have separate finances it just doesn't work when children are in the mix. I just cannot get my head around it.

If i was you I will wait another 2 years before bring your Dc to Disneyland. At 4, there isn't much attractions he will be allowed on and he won't remember much of it.

I think plan two trips

1, just you and DS before he starts school, you pay 100%

2, all 4 of you, in the hols, DH pays half.

winner winner chicken dinner

I live with someone who doesn't save and I pay for the big stuff. It is causing a issue where I am ready to walk

I can understand why it's grates...this isn't a step child issue this is a husband wants to do something but has no way to pay for it issue.

You pay for you and your child.
He can pay for him and his child. Ask him how he plans to do that if they want to join.

Have a fab time x

I think Disneyland is an emotive one especially with young kids. There is no way your SC will forgive you all going away to Disneyland without them. If you have the money then it is a bit rubbish not inviting them.

so is your son your husband's child?

@godmum56

so is your son your husband's child?

Yes.

@ErinAoife

If i was you I will wait another 2 years before bring your Dc to Disneyland. At 4, there isn't much attractions he will be allowed on and he won't remember much of it.

I’m presuming OP is talking about Disneyland Paris, there are only about 4 rides a 4 year old CANT go on

Going against the grain here, step-child aside, I’d be quite upset if my DH announced that he planned to go on holiday with our child but without me because I hadn’t saved enough money.

Do you earn the same?

In your OP you have referred to your son as ‘my son’ rather than the son you have with your husband. Why is this?

Just say you’re going to Tesco’s one day. Send a postcard from Disney!
Go and have some fun. Like you say, to go in the school holidays will triple the cost. Make the most of it whilst your one is little.

@Ozanj

I think Disneyland is an emotive one especially with young kids. There is no way your SC will forgive you all going away to Disneyland without them. If you have the money then it is a bit rubbish not inviting them.

We wouldn't "all" be going away. The plan was me and DS alone.

DH knew I was planning something and was fine with it, as he's been in the past when I've been away alone or with family/friends. It's only because I then looked at Disney that he now wants to come so SS can go too.

How old is stepchild? What involvement do you have with him?

Can dh set up a monthly direct debit to help pay for him and stepson? Disney is a special holiday and it’s a shame you don’t want to go as a family.

If he wants to go as well then he lays all the cost for his son, plus half for him, you and your joint child
He can’t pay? Then he doesn’t gg

I have no sympathy for people, normally men, who expect their partner to be happy to cough up for previous children, those children already have two parents

@Pritty

The stepchild should definitely go

So it would be really unreasonable for me to just want to take DS by myself?

Your gonna get a lot of poor SC you hate them.

But actually your totally ok to pay for you and DC to go away on holiday (without DH and SC)

If DH wants to go away with you at a more expensive time with SC he should you know pay for that. Like a adult.

Going against the grain here, step-child aside, I’d be quite upset if my DH announced that he planned to go on holiday with our child but without me because I hadn’t saved enough money

I've been away without him every year since DS was born. Appreciate you might not like this in your marriage but it's never been a problem in ours. He's not a big holiday person.

it’s a shame you don’t want to go as a family.

I guess it's because I've always done it and have a lovely time me and DS. I don't want the dynamic changing of being super busy and focusing around older SS instead of DS etc..

I love getting away from regular life with DS sometimes.

How old is stepchild?

He's 10.

Omfg. He's got a cheek.

Loads of people can't afford that sort of trip in the summer holidays. If it's something that's important to him he should think up a saving plan to make it happen.

You pay for you and ds. Your dh pays for his Ds (your ss) and himself. If he doesn’t want to pay then you will have a lovely mother-son Disney holiday.

I’d go somewhere else, just you and your son, this summer. Tell your husband he’s got four months to save up X amount and you’ll go at autumn half term as a family if he has, if not he’s chosen to leave his child behind and spend his money on himself.