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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to pay?

555 replies

Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:07

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris Blush

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 23/01/2022 17:09

(I’ve paid for many a family holiday for my husband and stepson, but mainly because I had more money at the time)

ChrissyPlummer · 23/01/2022 17:09

Your H is a cheeky bugger. He can pay for himself and SS if he wants to go. These threads always go the same way; you should pay for everything as SM because “you knew what you were getting in to” and “it’s not fair”. SMs are expected to act like a third parent when it comes to holidays/presents/spending money but go to a parents evening/do the school run and you’re “overstepping”.

Bringsexyback · 23/01/2022 17:10

Absolutely no way I would pay for another woman’s child to go to Disneyland with their own father can’t be bothered to contribute towards it.

Peppapigforlife · 23/01/2022 17:10

Different opinion here but why don't you see if step son's mum will pay for him and cover the cost of it being in school holidays and leave your DH at home? If she doesn't want to, you haven't done anything wrong by going just you and your son.

Livpool · 23/01/2022 17:10

@ittakes2

I think your step child is a separate issue - I am fascinated you are in a partnership where you weren't planning on taking the father of your son to Disneyland Paris with you.
I completely agree with this. It isn't something I could ever contemplate. Doesn't sound like a family
Toanewstart22 · 23/01/2022 17:10

Doesn’t your son want his dad there? (And possibly his brother)?!

Original poster
Pritty · 23/01/2022 17:11

@Peppapigforlife

Different opinion here but why don't you see if step son's mum will pay for him and cover the cost of it being in school holidays and leave your DH at home? If she doesn't want to, you haven't done anything wrong by going just you and your son.
Eh? Take DS and SS alone? Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
Pritty · 23/01/2022 17:11

Doesn't sound like a family

Doesn't sound like YOUR family.

I've been away loads with DS without him.

OP posts:
Toanewstart22 · 23/01/2022 17:11

You’re seeing this as doing your dh and ss a favour

Rather than having your son have a holiday with his mum, dad and brother

Benjispruce5 · 23/01/2022 17:11

Yanbu. If you’re now a family as he says, then he should be contributing to his family. I wouldn’t go. Plan it for next year and make a joint savings plan.

GabriellaMontez · 23/01/2022 17:15

@Peppapigforlife

Different opinion here but why don't you see if step son's mum will pay for him and cover the cost of it being in school holidays and leave your DH at home? If she doesn't want to, you haven't done anything wrong by going just you and your son.
Weirdest suggestion yet.
Rubyglitter · 23/01/2022 17:15

I can understand you not wanting to pay for ss (that’s his mum and dad's responsibility) but why don’t you want your dh there? Why not go to Disney as a family of 3?

Cameleongirl · 23/01/2022 17:16

@ittakes2

I think your step child is a separate issue - I am fascinated you are in a partnership where you weren't planning on taking the father of your son to Disneyland Paris with you.
Eh? DH and I have taken several separate holidays with our children, sometimes with just one of them (we have two). Often it's to save money and due to their ages and interests. DH and DS are currently planning a holiday together for when the pandemic finally dies down. I'm not the slightest bothered about it.
Autumndays123 · 23/01/2022 17:16

If you were a man posting this there would be many posters arguing that your savings are family money and if you and DH were to split up, those savings are half his anyway. Regardless, this seems to be more than just about money, you do not appear to want your DH or DSS to go with you, I think that's more of the issue here.

Notverygrownup · 23/01/2022 17:16

You say he's a spender not a saver, but why not explain that you can all go away together if he saves up just for that. He could set up a direct debit to a joint savings account, and you could pay into it too. Show him how much you can both save in a year to put towards a super holiday for the 4 of you. (Maybe, just maybe you could all go this year, on the agreement that he does the direct debit anyway, to repay you.)

It's important for the future that he understands that holidays, treats, birthdays etc are part of family finance and need money setting aside for them - otherwise this will be an ongoing argument. However, now it is an opportunity to organise something together which will help both children.

You say that you both work for "the family firm". His family or yours? I would be very wary if it is his family that you rely on for finances, if he has a stake in it and yet is not one to plan for the future and set some money aside for important family costs.

Bringsexyback · 23/01/2022 17:16

@Rubyglitter

I can understand you not wanting to pay for ss (that’s his mum and dad's responsibility) but why don’t you want your dh there? Why not go to Disney as a family of 3?
Because the DH once all the benefits of being her darling husband without any of the financial obligations he can’t afford to go
Davros · 23/01/2022 17:17

Take your DS, just the two of you

Kanaloa · 23/01/2022 17:18

I usually disagree with these threads and think all family children should be invited on holidays, but in this case I don’t think that. If the father was coming then I think he has a responsibility to take all his children, but it’s just you and your son, so I think it’s fine. It would be a different situation (to me) if the father was going on holiday and leaving one child of his behind but that’s not the case.

Why should he spend all his extra money while you save yours then he can still benefit from a holiday?

Peppapigforlife · 23/01/2022 17:18

It wasn't an actual suggestion, but more like if you ask her and suggest it and then she says no, you won't have to feel guilty about not paying for it. If she says yes, then dh pay for himself as he has a few months to save for it.

Livpool · 23/01/2022 17:18

@Pritty

Doesn't sound like a family

Doesn't sound like YOUR family.

I've been away loads with DS without him.

I agree but I just don't know any families where parent always takes the child away. It would make me (just me!) wonder what the point in being in the family.
Kite22 · 23/01/2022 17:19

I am a bit torn, as I think Disneyland is quite emotive. It feels like "a big holiday" or "a special holiday" so it does seem to send a bit of a message to your dss that he isn't quite part of your family.

But then, if your dh isn't going, then it is less so - just you and your dc is different from your dh going as well.

However, in terms of the way you have your finances set up, then YANBU at all for you to use this as a bit of an example to your dh of what he should have been taught growing up - that you can' t have your cake and eat it. If you want money for holiday, then you have to put money by each month into your savings, and not spend it all each month and then expect someone else to treat you to.

grapewine · 23/01/2022 17:19

@Pritty

And admittedly whilst the money is the "main" issue. I would just love to go DS and I.
Do that. He doesn't get to piss his money away and then expect you to pay for a holiday.
GabriellaMontez · 23/01/2022 17:20

@Autumndays123

If you were a man posting this there would be many posters arguing that your savings are family money and if you and DH were to split up, those savings are half his anyway. Regardless, this seems to be more than just about money, you do not appear to want your DH or DSS to go with you, I think that's more of the issue here.
The OP is explicit that they have separate finances. Not unusual when there is a previous child. The only shared money Is the bills account. Her dh chooses not to save his spare money. They earn the same.
Kanaloa · 23/01/2022 17:21

@Ozanj

I think Disneyland is an emotive one especially with young kids. There is no way your SC will forgive you all going away to Disneyland without them. If you have the money then it is a bit rubbish not inviting them.
The child’s dad has the money - isn’t it a bit ‘rubbish’ of him to splash out on himself then not have money left to invite his own child?

Lots of kids don’t get to go to Disney if their parents can’t afford it. This child’s parent can’t afford it.

NoSquirrels · 23/01/2022 17:21

Take your DS when you can afford to, alone, in school time.

Separately, tell your DH it would be brilliant to take both boys as a family, all 4 of you. Cost it up. Save 50% each, and go next year or the one after.

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