Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to pay?

555 replies

Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:07

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris Blush

OP posts:
GrapefruitPink · 23/01/2022 16:43

[quote Isntitironic1]@GrapefruitPink that’s the point though her OH is expecting her to pay for everyone’s trip out of her savings[/quote]
I know, so I'm saying he should be paying for his own?

VodselForDinner · 23/01/2022 16:43

If you split at some stage in the future and he remarries and has more children, would you be happy to never have your child holiday with their father?

Datsandcogs · 23/01/2022 16:43

YABU not to give DH a the chance to go with you.

YANBU only to pay for you and DS.

If DH wants to join then he has to pay, equally if he wants his older DS to come too he has to pay for him and the holiday price increase for changing the time of the trip.

Piggyk2 · 23/01/2022 16:44

You do right to keep your own money OP.

So your DH wants to pick the month but doesn't want to pay? I don't understand surely you would split 50/50. Why should you be footing the bill?

And Disney of all places.. not a bloody chance!

violetbunny · 23/01/2022 16:44

Your stepson has two parents of his own who can pay to take him if so inclined.
Take your son on your own. Your DH sounds entitled.

Tilltheend99 · 23/01/2022 16:44

When you marry someone with a child you are taking on their children so UABU. If you don’t want to include all of your husbands children in family holidays then you shouldn’t have married him. It’s also a bit odd that you don’t want your husband to go on the hol. Wouldn’t it be nicer for your DC if their dad was there too?

AlphaApple · 23/01/2022 16:44

I'd go for it. Your h hasn't got the money to pay for his kid, who will be going on holiday with his own mum.

But I think you need to address the differences in financial attitudes and behaviours because this will keep happening.

Flocon · 23/01/2022 16:45

@VodselForDinner

If you split at some stage in the future and he remarries and has more children, would you be happy to never have your child holiday with their father?
What has that got to do with this trip? And OP is suggesting she takes her child away without their father so she's clearly fine with this.
FreedomFaith · 23/01/2022 16:45

@Pritty

The stepchild should definitely go

So it would be really unreasonable for me to just want to take DS by myself? Sad

No it wouldn't but that doesn't appear to be your problem. Your problem seems to be that your partner wants to come, and bring his child, AND for you to pay for it. He can come if he wants, but he should take his other child too, AND he pays for both. By credit card or loan. His mess, he can clean it up.
Isntitironic1 · 23/01/2022 16:45

@ittakes2

I have also been away with just my children for various reasons....but her DH does want to go.
And that’s fine if he wants to go he should pay his share, why should OP use her hard earned savings to pay for everyone?
Original poster
Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:46

@Octopi

Is the child you want to take his?
Yes
OP posts:
JbSmCn · 23/01/2022 16:46

You say that he's a spender. Do you and your DS benefit from this spending - or is it all prioritised towards him and his son?

If his spending is benefiting everyone, then there is an argument that you chipping in towards everyone going would be reasonable. But if his spending is for him and his DS only, then I'd tell him to start saving.

Rainydonkey · 23/01/2022 16:46

I think as far as being fair to the DC, you going with just yours is completely fair. It doesn't say great things for your marriage though. Can you do this trip with DS and something else in the summer holidays for you DH and both DC? He could in theory save up for it as it's a while away yet

Babyvenusplant · 23/01/2022 16:47

I get what you mean about the money but I think its a bit sad you didn't want your husband to go on this holiday with you originally

Anna10309 · 23/01/2022 16:48

@violetbunny

Your stepson has two parents of his own who can pay to take him if so inclined. Take your son on your own. Your DH sounds entitled.
This.
Toanewstart22 · 23/01/2022 16:50

A happy, supportive and united family wouldn’t even consider this

One that isn’t, would.

It’s not hat you’re being unreasonable.
It’s that the family just isn’t a united and happy one

Original poster
Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:50

@Babyvenusplant

I get what you mean about the money but I think its a bit sad you didn't want your husband to go on this holiday with you originally
I think it's just a different set up to others. I've always been a bit of a traveller and have taken DS away before on my own, with family, with friends etc.. whilst DH has been working.

He's not bothered about himself. He just likes the idea of SS being able to go to Disney. If I was talking about going to Cornwall with friends for a week he'd not be arsed.

OP posts:
Blossom64265 · 23/01/2022 16:50

If it becomes a full family trip, your husband should be paying for himself, his son, and most importantly half for your shared child. That would hopefully help with the increased cost of going during school holidays.

If he isn’t willing to make that happen, then I would just book your trip as originally planned.

watchingrnfire · 23/01/2022 16:51

If your finanace is separate. Why does he know how much you have saved up. Don't tell him. Say you only have enough to cover yourself and your child. But as he is the father, you expect him to pay half towards your child.

It's not fair that you have to burden the cost of his child from a previous relationship, that's not your responsibility, it's is, he's trying to use you for payment for his son. That's not on!

LIZS · 23/01/2022 16:52

If it is for the summer he has time to save up.

Isthisprivate · 23/01/2022 16:52

If he comes he doesn’t just pay for himself and his child, he also needs to go half for your shared child too!

anonanonanon123 · 23/01/2022 16:52

I think it says a lot about your relationship you don't even want DH to come. Why do you stay in a relationship with him?

Isntitironic1 · 23/01/2022 16:52

@Babyvenusplant

I get what you mean about the money but I think its a bit sad you didn't want your husband to go on this holiday with you originally
Why is it sad? I’ve taken my children to Disneyland on my own before, my partner hates queuing so it is not his idea of a ‘great holiday’, he has some before for the children but much prefers beach holidays. If I want to go to Disneyland I take the kids myself. Maybe OPs husband is the same
user1493494961 · 23/01/2022 16:52

Take your DS yourself, tell DH he can save up for you all to go together.

Rangoon · 23/01/2022 16:52

I suppose the mother of your stepchild invites your child along on holidays and pays for him? I bet she's doesn't. Take your son and go. There is no way that you should be paying for your stepchild because your husband couldn't be bothered to save. Your stepchild is not your responsibility. He has two parents and you are not one of them.