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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2022 23:27

Do they know you can’t take time off?

When you say it won’t go down well, what exactly can they do to you?

It doesn’t sound like they really want you there so just say you can’t go, worst they can do is have a tantrum but that’ll make it even easier for you.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/01/2022 23:29

Can you fly closer ad hire a car/taxi to the venue? That way you can go early rhe morning of the wedding and return the day after

Also, if you would prefer the kids to be with a parent then whoever isn't the relative stays behind with the kids?

I have a close relative who seems to be tying herself in knots to make sure me and dh can attend her wedding and the pressure is immense on us - I just want her to book where and when she wants and I'll make sure I can be there

gsaoej · 22/01/2022 23:32

One of you go and take minimal time off, the other stay home with kids?

Russo · 22/01/2022 23:32

Yanbu IMO .

I take it they don’t have any kids? Generally I find those without children don’t have the ability to consider how difficult (whatever the reasons are) it is for those with children.

My friends didn’t understand my perspective until they had their kids and even then didn’t quite understand me until they had their second.

Now we all get on very well and they’re more understanding and considerate of my situation.

They no longer expect me to travel to see them with kids in tow because they won’t do it themselves .

GrandmasCat · 22/01/2022 23:34

Everyone who chooses a destination wedding knows that a good number of people are not going to make it.

I bet they wouldn’t be offended if you say you can’t attend and if they do… though.

2pinkginsplease · 22/01/2022 23:35

Send them a card saying we are sorry we can’t come to your big day, we hope you have an amazing time and will hopefully catch up soon.

No reason need to be given unless they ask later on.

Justmuddlingalong · 22/01/2022 23:35

I'd personally wait until the others who live as far away as you start declining. That way when the shit hits the fan, you're not first in the firing line.

Ponoka7 · 22/01/2022 23:36

It depends how close, Sibling, then yes. Anyone else, no. Unless you know that there aren't any restrictions on the other guests. I also don't understand why people have to go in couples when it's a relative's wedding.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/01/2022 23:36

@GrandmasCat

Everyone who chooses a destination wedding knows that a good number of people are not going to make it.

I bet they wouldn’t be offended if you say you can’t attend and if they do… though.

Where does the OP say its a destination wedding?
ZenNudist · 22/01/2022 23:39

Is it a sibling? Are you teachers? I booked wedding for the holidays as I wanted friends and family who were teachers to come. DM was a teacher at the time! As was best man.

It doesn't sound like they've considered you at all.

Tell them: a childfree wedding sounds lovely, unfortunately we won't be able to come, it doesn't work for us.

Variants on it isn't possible. Be clear.

GrandmasCat · 22/01/2022 23:39

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I suppose they are local and have found a place 4 hours away. Otherwise the op won’t be offended at “having to go”

Aquamarine1029 · 22/01/2022 23:41

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come.

And? What exactly will they do? Why do you care? Going to their wedding simply isn't feasible for you, don't apologise for that. Decline their invitation gracefully and move on.

OperationRinka · 22/01/2022 23:43

It depends - is it a destination wedding? How much longer would they have to put it off to get to a time of year that would suit you? Why do you say "we are not allowed to take time off work" and then say "I don't want to make up the time" which implies that you could take the time off? If it's not a destination wedding then it's going to be a huge journey no matter what, that's not their fault.

Anyway, unless you and DH are cousins the obvious answer is that the one who is a close relative goes and the one who isn't stays at home with the DC. It's a close family wedding so you won't be Billy No-Mates/Emily Mate-less.

ANameChangeAgain · 22/01/2022 23:46

You don't have to be irritated by their wedding choices, you just have to politely decline. Choosing to have a child free wedding is all about getting the numbers down anyway, as they will know that its impossible for those with children to do a two night stay without them.

5foot5 · 22/01/2022 23:46

Is the wedding mid week or at a weekend?

Is the reason it is a long way away because they have chosen a location they like but where everyone will have to travel to or is it just that you live further away than everyone.

It us hard to know if they are being unreasonable in information provided. Just because you have jobs which restrict when you can have leave doesn't mean everyone is in this situation or would expect to factor this in.

Original poster
GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:54

It’s DH’s sibling who relocated a few years ago so none of their family live near the wedding location. We are not supposed to take time off work at this time but it can be negotiated for certain occasions, not sure that my work would see it as a reason to request three days off.

DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 22/01/2022 23:59

For dh brother I'd send him alone. You will cope. It will be fine. He cannot miss his brothers wedding.

2ndtimemum2 · 23/01/2022 00:02

@GooseberryBush12

It’s DH’s sibling who relocated a few years ago so none of their family live near the wedding location. We are not supposed to take time off work at this time but it can be negotiated for certain occasions, not sure that my work would see it as a reason to request three days off.

DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding.

Op I was initially thinking yanbu until I read the second paragraph. I think you need to suck it up and let dh go alone its his sibling not some randomer
Blossom64265 · 23/01/2022 00:03

For a sibling, I would find a way. If child care is not feasible, then send the sibling alone.

Anyone else, I would skip.

HeddaGarbled · 23/01/2022 00:03

DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding

It’s not ‘a’ wedding, it’s his sibling’s wedding. I think you can swallow the ‘inconvenience’ for this special occasion.

Justmuddlingalong · 23/01/2022 00:06

I would imagine they're hoping your DH at least attends. What's his take on attending alone, without you guilt tripping him about being left alone with the kids?

Kitkat151 · 23/01/2022 00:06

DH needs to go.... you just gotta suck it up if you can’t go too....imagine if it was your 2 children in years to come .....you would be really sad if one didn’t support the other on their wedding day

Shakeynf · 23/01/2022 00:10

Your Dh needs to go. And he should.
It’s only a few days . I did it years ago for my siblings and it was fine.

Original poster
GooseberryBush12 · 23/01/2022 00:11

I’m not guilt tripping him about anything but as he works away, family time is precious. If the wedding had been at a weekend it would be so much easier for us both to go

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 23/01/2022 00:13

His brother's also his family. I'm sure time with him on his wedding day is precious too.